Last night when I got home, I really, really "cleaned" out my car. I didn't realize there were so many bags that still contained items that would travel the journey back and forth with me to Dad's while taking care of him. I thought long ago I had already emptied all of those out. So, I brought it all in to the kitchen and while making dinner unpacked it all and found the following items for a walk down the memories of the past few months.... Here are just of a few of the items I found:
- Diabetes supplies and items for my insulin pump, you know extra supplies tucked away for those just in case situations
- Ricola cough drops, Dad used these. And then he'd get tired of them and place them on the tray............. wonder if Maggie ever got to have a cough drop?
- Receipts for purchases at Walgreen's on our many trips to purchase things to make our journey and Dad most comfortable
- Receipt for Elliot Hardware where I purchased items so the Christmas lights could go up and we not worry about any electrical issues. This was always Dad's job. Last night when I talked to my sister Lauren, we discussed Christmas 2008. There is hope and potential that Tyler might be getting to come HOME Christmas Eve. We talked about how this year our Christmas would be anything but typical. You know, I haven't really given it too much thought. But it must of weighted heavily on my mind as last night guess what I dreamed about? Christmas. Is was most definitely Christmas 2008. The surroundings were the place at the Lake where we went with Mom and Dad as kids. It was Nanny's place but Dad loved to go there. We had a tree and presents. My cousin Kim was there with her "trailer", mobile I'm guessing, she brought "their tree" for her kids to decorate. It was beautiful just as my cousin Kim is. Then the dream goes to the bedroom where Mom and Dad slept. On the bed, washed and folded and rolled in that room were clothes of Dads. And underneath there were some clothes of Lauren's. I asked her if she needed her clothes and she said not now. Also, in the dream was my cousin Travis. His little girl Ashley was, well, a toddler. We were driving............... looking for a McDonald's. And then the dream ended when Kevin woke me up to tell me that it was 7:05 am and time to start another day. I'm guessing that the real version of Christmas will be very similar. All of us not wanting to disturb the things of Dad but knowing we really must move on and start our own traditions. It is too early to start and venture out to think about what to do in that regard. Scares me. I really am not ready to "combine" the Lewis and Bailey worlds for holidays such as Thanksgiving. I am really saddened that last year I had to share Thanksgiving with the Lewis side. Well, I didn't go but my kids and hubby did. So, this year, Thanksgiving will have to be a new tradition. Maybe we'll head again to Austin to see my sister Jill. Of course, last time we did that, Dad was there too.......... I'm open for suggestions to how you guys out there who have done this have celebrated these many firsts. The picture above was taken Thanksgiving 2006 as Dad and Mom were heading home. Dad wasn't feeling all that great. Don't ask about my silly kids and their clothes choices. I think they were warm. We had gone that night for a walk in the park with my sisters.
- Emergen-C, the drink we drank to keep us well when we started to feel bad. Because we could not afford to be sick!
- Sympathy card (my first) from a friend
- Coupon for $20 off at Chico's, the store I shopped at during my "shopping" adventure after Dad died.
- Tussinex cough syrup, one of my best friends during trying to get well while taking care of Dad. You didn't want to "cough" while he was sleeping and run the risk of waking him up. Not good.
- Many, many memories from hanging with my sisters............. I learned a lot about different products and beauty stuff from them............... I miss the companionship we formed even though it wasn't under happy times. We pulled together, we were there for each other. That is not to say we aren't there for each other now. It is just, well.. different
- Candy, and a smile on my face remembering how Dad would be concerned about what I ate.
- The list requesting items for the Valentine Party from the 1st grade room moms, we all lived much in mobile fashion then. Always on the go.
- Christmas cards, receipts and other items I'd taken to Dad's to try and keep organized while over there. My mobile office, times many versions..........
- Dr. Orr's office phone number 214-370-1003, where he had called me on October 19, 2007 and I had to call him back. I wanted to know more about Dad's condition. I learned pretty much that day after we had "that talk" that there was not much else that could be done to "save" Dad. I was at the Radisson in Fort Worth at a business conference. I broke down and sobbed in the lobby. Not happy memories
- Times that various parents were going to work our booth at the carnival.... this might have been from the year before but it made me think about how this past year I had to miss that time because I was visiting Dad in the hospital. I wouldn't change that for anything.
- Directions to Baylor Hospital from my house................ Pearl, right on Pearl, Left on Pacific, Pacific becomes Gaston..................... Memories of leaving the hospital many, many times late at night when Dad was first admitted and "getting" lost in the sea of tall buildings "trying to find my way home"
I guess now we are all trying to "find our way". Papa Bear, I miss you so much. I know you are watching over us. I know you are no longer suffering and for that I am thankful. I am holding fast to the memories of you and all you taught me. Doesn't mean I have to like it.
Hugs everyone,
Stephanie
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