No noise, just silence

Today after I dropped some things at the kids school, I drove myself to Mesquite. Just in driving up in the driveway things were different. Dad's car is gone. He will never drive again. I mean I know we knew this but this just makes it so much more real.

When I got inside things were so well......... quiet. No one was hurrying about to get Dad toast or coffee or mac and cheese. No one was in with him getting him comfortable or rubbing his legs or helping him get fluffed. Just Mom, in there with him hanging out working on some things. You know the time to do things that a while back we would have really wanted. Now, not so much. Be so very careful what you wish for.

I got everything out of my car and got my things put away. And then I stalled as long as I could stall because I didn't want to go see what I knew in my heart I was going to see.

When I opened the door to Mom and Dad's room you immediately noticed many things wrong. The TV was OFF........... no HGTV in the background. I can't remember when that has ever happened. Most of the lights were off except the light that has been on since we came home from the hospital on November 16th. The blinds had not been opened. Something dad would ask you to do in the morning.

And the other thing was........... Dad was sleeping............ really sleepting. His mouth was drooping over to the side a little bit. I couldn't stand it so I touched his hand just to feel his touch. He woke up but did not open his eyes. I told him I loved him and he mouthed I love you back. I am in SO much pain from my teeth and was so drugged up on pain meds that I was sleeping a little at his bedside. Dad woke up and told me to stop staring at him. That made me smile.

Jill came in and we moved Dad up a little bit in the bed. Dad is no longer able to "hold onto his bar" and help us move him. And that is another thing I found out. But under the surface, Dad is still so much still Dad. When we moved him up I was checking out his abdomen and Jill said "Is she poking on you, that's my job" and Dad pointed at me as if to say stop it. Dad took a few sips of water and some of his pills, actually four. The ones that we know help him be comfortable. The nurse is here to check Dad out. We know that he is starting to jaundice and that is not good at all. This sucks! At one point this week the nurse told us that it could be this weekend. From what I've seen I'm scared to say that really might be possible.

Pam and Deb are coming tomorrow to see Dad. Drive safely my dear aunts!

For now we are in the waiting mode........... one that we know the end result (or at least we think we do) and it is so draining................... I hope from all of this you love a little harder and longer and forgive a little more.

I'm off to go back to the kids school for an event tonight. I'll update more later.

Stephanie

Love Never Ends

Love never ends............ this is so true!

Today my sweet little boy turns seven! Happy Birthday son! I love you. Stephanie here, I never made it to Mom and Dad's last night. I did however get the cake ordered for Hayden's party and get a few gifts so that we can continue our birthday treasure hunt tradition. I ate lunch today with Hayden and went to his school at 1:30 for snack time. I took cookies (nope, not homemade). First graders are so adorable. When I told them I had to get back to work, they said that I should make a robot to look like me to do my work. If only that was truly possible.

I talked to Jill this morning around 9:00. I heard the dogs barking in the background and I could hear Dad saying "hey" as if to tell them to be quiet! That made me smile. They and the text messages I have received from Jill show Dad to be back to himself a little bit and that makes me smile. I will share those text updates with you soon I promise.

Hearing those things make me want to be there with Dad which of course I was not. I am going tomororw and Friday. My job is stressing me out. I am sure it is all in my head but I am so sick of phrases like "Okay, let me know if you'll be here" with the emphasis on "know". I would not wish this on anyone but cut me a little slack now and then.

I want to share with you My Aunt Shirley's thoughts from yesterday. Please read:

Well, after I got home from 1020 last night I posted a long comment to this
comment b/c I didn't know where else to post it and lo and behold it didn't
save. Bummer. I will attempt to update what I "updated" last night that
mysteriously disappeared.Shannon was working on the "Pancake Breakfast" church
flyers with her sweet friend Robin. The flyers will be coming directly from
Mimosa Lane Baptist and they are so beautiful. Shannon looked so good to me last
night. Please everyone give her special hugs and thoughts. She does "appear"
strong but...I saw Mike. Jill was with him. She tried to get him to eat some mac
and cheese but to no avail. He said did you come over the other night and I said
yes, with Ross. He said he just didn't remember. Then he said, tell Ross I said
thank you. When I got home last night I told Ross and he said he would go over.
I told him it needs to be very soon.I asked Mike what he would like for me to
pray specifically and he said "Corinthians." I asked Jill to find Corinthians 13
and she read it to him. It was so sweet. Mike said, that's what the preacher
says when you get married. That's right! It's the love chapter. We prayed for
peace and thanked God for the love He has for this family and for the love Mike
has for his family and the love they have for him. He said he was trying to
remember the "Shirley speech." I said what in the world is that! He said, you
know, get out of here, Jesus. I said, wait, it's get out of here, Satan! We
laughed! He said oops. So funny. I said we need Jesus in here and the devil out
of here! Precious. We talked a little out love being the absence of fear.
Interesting he wanted to hear the love chapter. He looks so tired, so very
tired. If someone wants to see him, they need to come now...

Love to all,

Stephanie

Papa Bear rallies?

I talked to Jill just now. The nurse came. Jill said that Dad is really different than he was yesterday. You know that is true when he gets irritated when you tell him the nurse is coming. Very funny! And he even laughs a little at your jokes.

Jill made Dad toast and cranberry juice. He ate at least three bites. The nurse talked to Jill and said that he is still in decline but is in a temporary rally. Dad appears to be more peaceful. Perhaps he has let go of some things.

The nurse will come each day to check on Dad so we are not doing crisis care as of yet. He has only had 2oo cc of urine output though in 25 hours. That is compared to 800 or so cc that we emptied like twice a day before so things are more than likely on a downward trend. That is not good.

If you read the comments to the previous post you will see that per Aunt Shirley "He is totally with it right now and is in there messing with his bed. Shannon is putting on her makeup and drying her hair. I still haven't seen him today but I can hear him talking and it is so different from last night when I thought it was the end. " I can agree with this comment "My emotions are so weird right now. "

I am leaving work to go order Hayden's cake for his party and get some gifts and pick them up and go by the school and run over and see Dad while things are still good. Hannah has dance tonight and Kevin normally plays tennis. I am just ALL over the place with what to do, what to do, what to do........... you see the person I normally call and walk through these things with is Dad. He will listen to me and hear all of my thoughts and tell me either........ I think you should ........................ or I think you should............ And he would ask me questions............Papa Bear, I'm missing you already.

Must go it is 5:16 pm

Stephanie

heartache

Lauren here..

I start to cry when I get a little text message there or pull up my browser and come to the "dailybaileyupdates" .. but you know what the important part is .. I can cry.
I lost it last night and what made me cry ten times harder was, I needed my Dad... I wanted my Papa Bear, to crawl in his lap and be able to cry. I know that I will have thousands of times in my life that this will happen, but the irony at the moment. I needed my Dad but he wasn't there.. he wasn't Dad.
I know that we will all have to go through this twice in our life. Just going through this a little longer and maybe its a bit of a rough journey than normal. We will all come out of this stronger, just may not feel strong at this moment. But think, the next time you have a friend, a family member, a co-worker go through this, you can hold their hand, and say you really have an idea of how they feel, and maybe provide an ounce of comfort in the situation. The comfort that is hard for us to find sisters, brother, momma..
I proud of my family for being as strong as they have been... and the continue to be amazing. But we would not be where with our with out all of our family, friends, sunday school, church, and even co-workers... You can never give enough thank yous.. but I want to say THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU. You will never know the things that you have done or will do, mean everything. I bought a thank you card the other day.. on the front it said "It is the little things that count" .. yes.. the little things.
The little moments you have with Dad, the hugs you have where you just have a good cry. The sarcastic smiles Dad gives you... How he still tries to do all that he can to help US. The phone calls you get from dad just see what is going on. When a bag of m&ms, a box of golden grahams, a cup of coffee from starbucks or a York peppermint patty can make the crappiest of days better. Another thing I have learned... how not to take the little things in life for granted.

all my brain can manage to put into words right now..
i love you all oodles and bunches. stick together.

Keeping Busy

Report from Bailey house as best as I know it this morning: Dad is resting, he said "Jill Marie" and it was in fact "Jill". I know that was good. Dad was upset and did not want Mom to leave him and "get ready for work" (Dad's words). So, I believe he is more lucid than yesterday. I really always knew that Dad would rally at least a little bit. He ate a bite or two of yogurt. Jill, Mom and Matt are there at the house. I'm not............. I know some of you might say that I should be but I feel better being here and busy and maybe just a little hiding from the reality of everything.

My Aunt Shirley is there with my mom, her sister. She is helping take care of things with the house. Cleaning and cleaning and doing dishes. Mom is making phone calls. You know the kind of calls you really don't want to have to make. So, as hard as it is people I would suggest you write down in details ALL of your wishes as much as possible to the celebration of your life after you have gone to Heaven. Leave it in a safe place.

I know that I don't want to step foot in a funeral home or talk to a funeral director. That is just not Dad at all. Stuffy and cold and so impersonal. Not my daddy. Church, although warm and inviting to me just does not say dad either. I envision gathering around with friends and family and sharing stories. Yes, the stories. So, I'm asking that if you have any stories to share about my Daddy, then please e-mail them to me. I would like to put together a book of these for my mom and sisters. So I know it is not junk mail since I don't have all of your e-mail addresses........ please put in the subject line: A Story about Mike and e-mail me your story to: stephanie_lewis232@yahoo.com and please sign your name so I know who wrote it.

And, yes, I have a huge cavity in my tooth, two to be exact. So, much that it is either root canal or pull them. I guess that is to mirror the holes that are going to be in my heart very soon. Yikes!

I am at work today. It seems just so much more productive than sitting and waiting and crying and crying. I feel so much better when I have my lists and things I need to accomplish. Whether they be for Hayden's birthday or for work or for the kid's school reading night I just think that I will get through this so much better than if I sit and sit and think and think........ don't worry guys. I know at some point it will hit me and I will have to deal. Don't worry about that. Deal with it I will.

I called hospice to come to the house today to pick up the wheelchair and other items we had for Dad. He has not used them in such a long time. And I guess it will be good to get them out of the house so they do not serve as constant reminders every time you see them that these too are things that Dad will never do again. The call to hospice was difficult. Hopefully, these things will be gone soon.

I just placed a call to one of my Dad's fraternity brothers (who happens to be a dentist) to ask his opinion about my teeth and to give him an update on my dad's situation. He is to call me back soon. I do trust his opinion. The receptionist asked how Dad was doing. I replied "not good, he is preparing to move from this life". To which she replied, "I am so sorry, I really liked your dad"........................ Me, too!

Crisis Care

I belive the time has come for Crisis Care to be with the Bailey House for 24 hours. A nurse is coming out tonight at 9:00. I have not talked to anyone since I learned of this but I wanted to let you guys know. I am thankful that we will not be alone, well I know that God will walk with us but I mean we will not be alone and hospice can answer the tehnical and medical questions and do their best to keep Dad as comfortable as possible.

What I wouldn't give to hear another "hello, hello" or hear my cell phone ring and it be Dad and he say "What's up."

I'm off to put my kids to bed, you know the ones that live in my house that I tend to forget live here. I am just so sad. All I can do right now is cry. I think I will sit in the bubble bath and try and absorb this all. That is if my sweet cousin Clay left me any hot water!

Hugs, Stephanie

But wait a minute Dad............

We are not finished with our lists............... and last time I saw you on Sunday you were sleeping so peacefully and I did not hug you because I did not want to wake you up. I did not tell you that I loved you and did not hear you say "I love you" or "How are my babies" ............. maybe there is still some time for that. I am not sure. I thought you were still working on your never ending lists of "things to do" Don't we still have a few things to do? We still have boxes to go through.......... you never got to see what a great job Lue and I did with all of that. And we did not get Matthew's furniture from Ikea. But I guess we did get it all picked out. I am struggling here Dad, help me. I do not want you to suffer but I am not ready to let you go. Seriously this has be the hardest thing I have ever done in my life.

So, Dad here is my letter from me to you............

Dear Dad,

Thank you for being there for me always

No matter what the trial or question

You always had an answer, even thought it might not be what we wanted to hear.

You could solve any problem not matter what it was

from boy troubles to school to friends

And sometimes I know we shared more than you wanted to know.......

In the end you listened and helped us through but you always let us make

the final decision

You loved us.......... more importantly you loved our mom

You taught us the importance of family and friends, but most important family

Family always first over anything

You loved us unconditionally even though sometimes I know we made that hard

You loved your babies the most. And, they loved you.

Tonight at Walgreens Hannah wanted to buy a Valentine for herself but then she felt selfish

So, she started looking for something for you...........

She found this lion that did this silly dance and she knew that it would make you laugh

I broke my heart to tell her that you would love it I know you would but you might not

appreciate now as much as you would have, she loved you so much..........

I think I might buy it for her anyway for Valentines and say it is from you......

You are the rock of all of us Dad, you kept us going.

I know that God will hold you and us and we will be okay

Even though this might hurt for a long, long time.........

I cannot imagine my life without you here to lean on
It is going to be so different.
I know you will always be there

Thank you for being the best daddy to me ever!

For loving me, for drying my hair straight for reading to me, for all the special things we

ever did together

Your daughter,

Stephanie

Dad is not so much Dad today........

Jill is back from Austin and is at Mom and Dad's today. I sent Jill a text message to ask for updates (the updates are below) This is making my heart sad. My head is in line with what is happening. But it my heart is freaking out. I just know I will not be prepared no matter what. I just want my dad to be back to dad. To look up at me and say "blood sugar" (that meant he wanted to know my blood sugar right now" or to ask "how his babies (grandkids) were doing. And right now he is not Dad at all. I am thankful for the time this weekend where he hugged me and loved on me. Where he asked how Kevin was feeling. Where he told Mom how hard I worked on Friday to take care of me. How he said a prayer and thanked God for me. My heart is just so sad and scared. Please God take good care of Daddy, please don't let him suffer more than he has to. We want him here. You know your plan.

Message from Jill at 3:42 pm
"He has not had anything (food) today and has not had a lucid moment. Doesn't know who I am at all. Just says 'ow. Can u help? And don't do that and stop. ' Won't take meds"

Response text from Steph to Jill
"I am so sorry. Does he know mom or Matt? We need to report this change to hospice and his nurse. I talked to our medical director. He had nothing but good things to say about our
hopsice agency".

Message from Jill at 4:45 pm
"The nurse was here."

Message from Jill at 4:47 pm
He just says "Help me, will you please help me over and over. Can ya help me? Please please." He is not Dad today at all.

Message from Jill at 5:23 pm
"Nurse says he will pass within the month. 24 hours care can come when it is close. Hard to say when that will be."

Message from Jill at 5:27 pm
"Couple of sips of water. He keeps sayin can I go? Can I please go. Will you help me go? I say go where? Go to sleep? Go poop? He says 'I don't know. Ow, ow, ow.' "

Steph's response to Jill
"Jill he might be asking 4 permission to go as in leave this life. Tell him yes he can" (I want to say no don't go really."

Message from Jill at 5:28 pm
"I did just smile at him and he gave me one of his fake smiles. That is the first real reaction I have gotten from him".

Message from Jill at 5:37 pm
"Might cancel Colorado trip if dad doesn't come around. I am going to wait till Wednesday."

Message from Jill at 5:38 pm
"I told him he can go and we will be okay. Told him he can go whenever and wherever he wants."

Keep us very close these next few days.

Stephanie

Pain: 50 Us: 5

Not much different to report today. Dad's pain seems to be out of control. I called the nurse today and she advised that we were not giving medicine often enought to Dad. This we know but he is sometimes so reluctant to take any medicine. So the nurse gave us some good suggestions on what to do and how to phrase things so that we get medicines down and stay ahead of the pain because that is so much easier than the pain getting ahead of us. Right now, it is so frustrating because he is not a little kid but you have to work with him like he is. Like today, when the nurse asked him if he wanted medicine and Dad said yes a does of 5, the nurse gave him 15. That feels so deceitful. But necessary none the less.

Mom got to go to Sunday School this morning.

Matt is here with Mom. I have been here since 1:00 this morning. Dad slept last night from 12 to 1 and then was up until about 2:30 or so and slept until about 4:00 and then was up until almost 6:00 when I offered him an English Muffin and he said okay. I went to the kitchen and came back and he was asleep. So, I shut the door and I ate the muffin and went back to bed. Dad got up probably around 6:45 ish and Mom got up with him. Anyone see a trend here? And, if any of you are night owls and are good medicine pushers here is your formal inviation to come to the Bailey House any night.

Dad is napping right now. I am going getting ready to go visit with some of our friends in Plano for the superbowl. I'm excited but stressed and feel rushed.

The main question I have to ask is where do the days go? I mean it is already almost 4:30 pm and I have not hardly done anything but take care of Dad and the doggies.

Jill is in Austin and will be on the road after the Superbowl. I am really looking forward to sleeping in my own bed tonight.

Go Giants!
Stephanie

Dad's Starving!

Good afternoon. Stephanie here. To recap this morning.

Dad slept from 12 - 1 am. He was awake from 1 am to 3 am. Matt and I were up with him during this time. Of course, he had to get mom up too because he was starving. So at 1:15 am he had grits and eggs and an english muffin. Most of the english muffin went to the dog Laddie. I got a litte bite of it. Seriously, Matt and I offered to cook the food but it just seems to be so much better when his sweet wife gets up and does it for him.

It was really scary because when Dad woke up he looked so sleepy and groggy. But he finally woke up a little more. And, in the middle of the night I learned I am thankful for:

• Lysol spray to cover up the smells.............. ewh the smells
• Gloves to protect your hands
• Ability to breathe deep and not throw up
• Dad's ability to still have his sense of humor during all of this
• My brother who actually stepped up the plate and got up and brought me stuff while we were taking care of Dad
• Coffee, more coffee

That is all I am allowed to say about our middle of the night trials at the Bailey house. Dad fell sound asleep at about 3:03 am. I quietly tiptoed around the room to pick up all of the supplies to avoid anyone tripping over anything when they woke up and finally got myself to sleep around 3;40. I got up a few times during the night and checked on Dad and he was still storing away.

I haven't been in this morning to see how he is doing. I wanted to have some breakfast myself and coffee and check my e-mail and update you guys before I did. I also want to check in with my sweet little family who I have not seen since Wednesday night. Hannah is going to a movie today with some friends. Basketball game for Hayden. I miss them very, very much.

Will update more today as time allows. Keep us close. And, Bailey sisters............ I think we would welcome you back whenever you could join us. From what I have observed it is just being in there with Dad during the day to get him stuff, pray with him, and keep him company. It would be nice anytime you can come. During the week, maybe down early in the morning and back in the evening. Whatever works.............

NAPS......... yeah

Dad napped from 5:45 tonight until almost 9:30. I napped some too. Maggie and I had a very good nap. She has been so sweet to me tonight. She knows I am stressed to the max.

Dad woke up from his nap very groggy and sleepy. Scary I tell you. But then he came around and started asking questions "How is Kevin feeling?"

Mom got home and brought Chinese Food for me, Matt and her. Dad did not eat dinner tonight. He kept saying he was not sure what he wanted, he was thinking about it and he would let me know. Mom visited with Dad while I cleaned up the kitchen Stephanie style. Matt did the dishes, don't get me wrong but it was all the papers and "stuff" that was everywhere. So, in order to have an outlet for all of this emotion I cleaned up the kitchen and did some other straightening.

I am tired and am trying not to get grouchy. But you know I was on duty almost all day yesterday and will be into the night. Yesterday, I helped Lauren figure out the car thing and made sure that no one conversation went the wrong direction. Okay, that sounded bad. What I mean is I am trying to convey to everyone to listen to dad and if he tells you there is a bird in the room flying around, you go along with it. And, when you leave dad's room to go get something in the kitchen you always make it all about dad. You say "Dad I'm going to the kitchen what can I get for you?" Not "Dad I am going to make me some lunch". And, when you come in the room you tell him everything you are doing. So, this is a learned behavior.

Got to run, here a cell phone ringing somewhere and I bet Dad is awake and Mom is not and I cannot finish this update.

More tomorrow.

Mom gave Dad his nightly meds. I went in to bring Dad the medicine book and

Observations......

Hello everyone, Stephanie here again. Just wanted to update everyone on this afternoon.



Dad is .........

Well that was at 3:00 when I thought Dad was going to take a nap and Dad has other things in mind.

Matt is running errands. Lauren is running errands. Mom is working. Jill is in Austin. Dad is napping. No that was not a typo. I am about to. Wish me luck.

Some observations for all you bloggers out there......

• Dealing with the dying is like taking care of a two year old in the middle of a temper tantrum. You might as well agree with them and move on. Arguing over a lollipop in the middle of the store is never a good idea. I find this so true with Dad. When he says something crazy, then you should just go with it.
• Having experience being a mom helps with this process. ........
• Save your tissue paper from Christmas gifts and that comes in handy to wrap up your ornaments from your tree. Did not do this last year. Wish I would of.
• Deodarant is not something you should forget to wear when sitting for hours on end in your Dad's room with the heater going non stop. Thankful I was able to get a break for bath number two.
• When you are ready to sit and chill, that will never be an option
• It will take you 5 days to make one business phone call becuase you will try to make the call and get called to help do something else
• You sometimes never know when to help and when to leave stuff alone. This is normal
• You want to SCREAM out loud often. Running outside and actually doing it is very, very helpful.
• Doggies really know when you are very upset and try to comfort you the best they can. Maggie has been right by my side all day.
• There will be times when you HATE your siblings and are very aggravagted with them and you don't understand why they are the way they are.
• Prayer is very helpful. Dad told his nurse we have been praying three times a day and that has been working.
• You will not be able to call anyone back when you said you would because you get pulled somewhere else

So, that is that........ I am going to go nap with Maggie and pray that Mom does not wake us up when she gets home.

Steak & Sauce

Okay guys, in all that ranting (see post below tittled "What to Say") I forgot tell you that last night for dinner Dad had a piece of steak. We cut off a piece of the steak and cooked it for him. I guess never imagining that he would actually eat it all and after he was done he asked if there was any more. Ooops! When we brought him the steak he asked for sauces for the steak so we brought him A-1, Heinz 57 and ketchup and he tried all of them.

Then he wanted to know what Lauren was having for dessert. So, he had peaches and ice cream. Yum!

And, then Lauren and I went to Walgreens and dad was upset because we did not tell him we were going (which we so did) and that he had been calling us for hours (no missed calls on my end).

Anywho, pray that today holds peace for Dad for him to find peace with this situation and pray for patience and understanding for us. Pray for God to lead our words and walk around on our shoulder.

Hugs guys ........... I could really use a hug..............

Stephanie

What to say?

Stephanie here....................

What do you say to the dying? How do you listen to their words and not take them personally. You know this is not something that we have a life script for, that our training growing up gave us any words to use. We can read and read on the sites for hospice to tell us what "kinds" of things to do but that leaves out the element of the fact that each person is so different. So, how to talk and listen is very difficult. I know we need to lean on God. That is something maybe I missed last night and yesterday.

Last night I crashed around midnight. I could not do it anymore. So, I left my sister, Lauren, who had already told me that she could not stay up nights to take care of Dad. I can so imagine because I have been there. She tried to get me up once around 3:30 am and was not successful. I know my sister Jill has done this for about 5 days straight all on her own (with Mom's help), you know the days and the nights and I really don't know how she did it.

And to further support my story of not knowing what to say and talking things personally I share with you this story:

This morning, I have no idea what went on except that Dad wanted to "get up". And, that could mean so many things when he says that. Like he could just mean that he wants to go up in the bed. But you know I think mentally he wants to "get up" and "walk again". So, when he said that today Lauren told him that she could not get him up. And then I don't know what happened after that except as I was laying on the couch I could hear Dad yelling and as I was walking through the den I heard Dad say to Lauren "Go back to Arkansas and don't come back" Ouch. To which Mom replied "Michael!" You know because we all want him to realize how unreasonable he sounds and that is when Dad told mom to "Shut the _________ up". " I mean seriously guys, I know that is not really Dad. But, it is so hard when you hear those things to just not want to pack up your car and go home and never come back. So, when I walked in the room somehow it ended up that we all, me, Lauren and Mom just left the room.

Dad told mom he was going to call the police. I told her fine, let him call them. Seriously, maybe if they took us to jail we would all get maybe 8 hours of sleep. We could all share a cell. Just kidding you guys.

So, while we were all three out in the den, we heard Dad on the phone and here is the conversation "I need the number for elder abuse.............." Everyone else but me was like "GO IN THERE and SEE WHAT HE is Doing". I just let him talk and talk. And the rest of the convesration went like this "Elder abuse? I need to report abuse, yes,............" And he proceeded to give his full name and address and social security number. And then, he hung up. I had gone into the room and this point and started to straighten up a little bit. I was just letting Dad go on and on because he was doing all of this talking into the remote control for the bed adjustment. Lauren is from the den saying "Stephanie" Ha, ha.. okay not so funny. So when I left the room with mom for a minute again to tell them what happened. Dad called "Elder Abuse" back and told them to "hold off for a while".................... Good, you know if they did come out here, I wonder what would they say? You know sometimes I just think Dad needs to vent without anyone else in there with him.

You know right now, there is no reasoning with Dad. I just go along with whatever he says, no matter how right or wrong it is. I feel that there is no point of arguing with him at this point because you cannot reason with him.

I have no ideas what to do right now. I do know this much. That since Luaren and Matt are here I should not be. I should be working, or should I? No one but Gods know how or when the end will be. I will just have to give this to God and let him figure it out for me. Because you know right now I am DONE!

Wake Up!

That is how we started our day. At 12:15 am, with Dad telling Mom "Shannon, get up, you need to get ready for work. You said you wanted to get their early today. What time did you want to get there?" To say the least, Mom was not amused by this. When I tried to correct Dad and clue him into the time, he held up his finger as if to ssh me. Almost like he was trying to get a rise out of Mom. Then, as I was cleaning up the room, Dad told Mom "Stephanie is going through YOUR mail." Not! Funny!

Let's see to recap our night:

• Fried eggs, over easy and toast at 12:30 am, coffee too
• little sleep one minute naps
• lots of pain medicine, almost too the point I worried I gave too much
• sleep at about 3:45 am for about 1:00 hour at the most
• Awake again at around 4:30, more coffee, but not fresh coffee, a girl has to have her limits
• Finally awake to get mom up at 6:00 ish......... he kept called and saying "GET UP, GET UP" He must have missed the part where I told him that Mom was sleeping in Lauren's room tonight. So I went and woke her up.
• I crashed around 7:30 or at least tried to. Dad says to Mom, "why can't SHE get up and HELP". To which Mom replies, "Mike she is tired" to which Dad replies, "well we got sleep" People, I really think he believes he is resting and is rested.
• Dad and Steph take a nap from 8:00 ish to almost 9:00
• Mom is supposed to be getting ready for work but falls asleep in the chair waiting to give Dad his shot.
• Dad wakes up, sleepy Stephanie tries to wake up too!
• Mom gives Dad heparin shot, doctors are worried about blood clots in Dad's legs. He has swelling. We are not sure what is the cause as it could be the cancer. Jill is researching some other medicine options for us to try and help dad's anxiety and so he won't have too many halluncenations
• Mom gets ready for work. You know it is really hard to focus on getting ready when you are pulled in so many directions
• Mom is ready to go to work. Matt has left for his doctor. Dad thinks he is going to be by himself. He does not know I am staying. He is really upset with things and mad, serious frown on his face. Mom tries to resolve his issues. I tell Mom to just go. He'll be fine.
• I leave Dad in his room by himself for a few minutes to get over whatever is bugging him. You know sort of like a time out.

The rest of the day has been pretty good. Dad and I napped today from about 11:30 to 12:30 and we:

• Had Mac and Cheese for lunch
• Matt and I had lunch
• Matt did the dishes
• Stephanie cleaned up apple butter and glass from something that fell from the fridge.
• Sorted mail (sorry mom), I tried to bring Dad magazines but he said really mean "THIS IS NOT what I asked you to bring me".
• Matt went back to Wal-mart to pick up prescriptions.
• Rested
• Dad calls Lauren and tells her that he needs her to go to Spain and fix a clock, an antique one. He tells Mom some of the same.
• Took pain meds but we have not had much liquid oxdose today. We have one pill due right now.
• Stephanie attempted to sort through all of the rest of the stuff from the storage but I did not get very far.
• Lauren is back from school
• Mom is still working

Dad is very anxious I can tell. I tried to tell him it was okay to go. That we would be okay. But that conversation did not go very well. He began to tell me that Lauren knew more about him dying and how and everything. Doubt it Dad. Today he point blank looked and me and asked me if he was dying. And seriously, how are you supposed to answer that question? I told them that eventually we are all going to die. He said what do you know that I don't know. I really think that the feels like we are keeping stuff from him. Whatever. It is SO hard to have patience during this time.

My cell just rang and Dad called me. I answered and said hello. Dad replied "how did I get you on this line?" You see we have his cell programmed for speed dial to call us. He said "oh, Matt is 5" and hung up. Oh, well.............

Gotta go!

Stephanie

Sad........

I am feeling very sad today.

I am at work wrapping up a few things.

Hannah is at home with Kevin. The school called and she is not feeling well. I am headed off to Mesquite tonight. My house is a mess. My cleaning lady is coming tomorrow. And I have yet to fill out the invitations for Hayden's birthday. Guess I better get it in gear.

Jill left this morning for Austin. I talked to her today at lunchtime and she said that Dad is seeming very disoriented. That was a far cry from the conversation I had with Dad this morning. Very alert asking about Kevin and me and "his babies". He wanted to know that they were up to. I told him last night they were reading and he asked me what they were reading. I explained the books and he knew exactly which ones I was talking about.

Jill also told me that one of Dad's legs was getting a little purple. Okay, I know things get blue, but purple? I just wish that she was more open and let me know what was going on than that. I was shocked.

So, on the way back to the office I saw I had a missed call from Dad. I called him back and he said when I finally got a hold of him I sensed what Jill was talking about. He was very sluggish. Almost like he had to fight to speak every word. He was worried about the incident the other night when he didn't recognize Pam. He thought we were not taking care of him. I tried to reassure him that it was okay to feel however he felt. There is not any right or wrong answer. I just wanted to drop everything and GO to him. I told him that he should give everything to God and God will help him. He told me he WAS doing that but I worry that he is still keeping too much on his plate. God my prayer is that you and Dad are able to work this out. I am not sure that I will have PC options when I get to the Bailey house but I promise if there is something that I feel need your prayers or you guys need to know about I will find a way to update you.

More Pain, Less Boxes, No Sleep & Fear

Good Tuesday to all of you. I talked to Dad a few times today. He called to check in on Kevin (he called Kevin "your old man" - not sure where that came from). I think that is so sweet that even in the time of being in such pain and all that he is going through, he is still Dad wanting to make sure we are all okay. Kevin of course has strep throat. I'm hoping that does not go to anyone else in our house. He also wanted to know where "that folder" was I had and where his to do list was. I'm going to have to start writing down better the words that he said. Luckily, Lauren had the list and e-mailed the original list to Jill. Lauren had typed the list on her PC.

And speaking of computers, the Bailey household is without PCs except for maybe Matthew's. Dads won't turn on............. Jill's work PC is in the shop and the study PC had some viruses on it. When it rains, it pours in that area. Please say prays for my sweet sister Jill. She has lots of stress and worry about things with her job right now. Help her know it will all be okay and she will get it done.


Thank you so much for all of your prayers and well wishes. This has got to be the hardest thing I have ever done. The words to this song Stand by Rascal Flats pretty much sum up my feeling this weekend, especially the bold words.

You feel like a candle in a hurricane

Just like a picture with a broken frame

Alone and helpless Like you've lost your fight

But you'll be alright

Chorus: Cause when push comes to shove

You taste what you're made of

You might bend, till you break

Cause its all you can take

On your knees you look up

Decide you've had enough

You get mad you get strong

Wipe your hands shake it off

Then you Stand, Then you stand

This is really true, we are all finding what we are made of. What we can do when pushed and have to. How we can survive on almost no sleep. How we can be as sweet as we can when we really don't want to be. How we can find the energy to rub legs one more time or do things we never imagined we'd be able to do a few months ago.

Dad had a pretty good weekend. Sleep comes not very often. I truly believe he has himself so worked up with fear and anxiety that it has caused him to have insomnia. Friday night he slept for a few hours. Saturday night was pretty much of the same. He took almost no naps during the weekend. Oh, unless you count the 10 minute one on Sunday afternoon. Matt and I quietly walked out of the room to go make some food for brunch and no more than 10 minutes later Dad called Matt and wanted to know where we all were.

Saturday, his sister Pam and her husband Tim came for a visit. My sweet Aunt Pam took some of the night shift so that I and Mom could get some sleep. Pam shared some very good words with Dad. I really feel like she was led by God on what to say. Dad said "I need to sleep but I am scared of the unknown." Ah, yes, the unknown. Pam reminded Dad that we are all scared of the unknown but we have to give it all to God. He will never forsake or leave us. We will always be okay. I really hope this conversation lead Dad down the road of peace and comfort. I know while listening to her talk to Dad I was trying to hold back the tears.

I stayed at Mom and Dad's until midnight Sunday night. Just hanging out with him, talking to him and helping Mom and Dad sort through years and years of paperwork. I have to say that made some serious progress. We also looked at the IKEA web site and checked out prices of furniture for Matt's room. I showed Dad a bed frame (headboard include) for around $179 and Dad said that was too much, we'll have to go somewhere else. Pretty funny.

Another thing you will find is sometimes the best thing to say is nothing at all. Like when Dad says to you "I think I've been a little to hard on your mother this week." And what you really want to say is "You think" but you don't you just LISTEN and say "really?" And then you really have to get creative when Dad says "WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THAT?". To which I can reply "Not sure Dad since I did not personally observe that situation." Seriously, keep that one tucked in your back pocket because it will work no matter who the people are. You know when one girlfriend is going off on another one of your friends about something that happens and she looks at you and asks you what YOU think you can say "I'm not sure ________ (insert name) how to comment on that because I did not personally observe that or I was not there. End of story. It has saved me and I know Jill many times when Dad has put us on the spot or gone on and on about something so small that he just needs to let go.

Sunday night a few of the moms from Hayden's class got together for dinner at 5:30. I really, really wanted to try and make it. But at 4:40 when we were in the middle of something with Dad I knew I just could not leave my mom. So, I called the mom who had organized the event to tell her I would not make it and I just started crying. Silly, I know. But seriously, this is really so hard.

Dad called me several times on Monday to ask me how to sign into his yahoo e-mail account that I helped him set up. You know stuff like passwords and all. I am so hoping he can get signed back in and write me an e-mail. I want to have his words to me so I can keep them forever. He also called to ask me if I wanted a few papers from my college days before he and mom shredded them. I told him no he could shred away.

I called and checked in with Mom last night. Dad was watching the State of the Union address. Mom said that Dad was not feeling well. Jill says that the pain is worse than she has seen it. Damn cancer. You suck...............

Must go get to sleep while I can as tomorrow night and the next I am on duty at the Bailey house and that means no sleep for me!

Hugs, Stephanie

High Anxiety, Hello Mr. Grouchy

Well as you can tell by the tittle of this post things are a little off kilter in the Bailey house this morning. Dad woke up in a pretty good mood. He had toast and coffee and more coffee. He read the paper. He feed toast to the doggies. He and Matt looked through the IKEA catalog to get some ideas for Matt's room. So, how did such a happy day get so out of balance.......

Well..............I think Dad gets annoyed (maybe not the right word) when we are buzzing around the room picking up things and trying to straighten things up and he has a little suggestion, you know maybe a comment or two about what we are doing and we keep on working trying to get to the end result of whatever we are working on, all the while acknowledging our comment in our heads, but just maybe not out loud. To which Dad replies or mumbles something under his breath like "whatever" or "don't listen to me". So frustrating people. Can I tell you that?

I just got done taking a shower and I called my Aunt Pam because it is now almost 11:00 and she was to call when she was on the way. So I found out she had called and talked to Matt. So, I went into Dad's room and told them that Pam was in Kilgore. And then Dad got very irritated with me because "That is so annoying". His words. Irritating to Pam and to him. Meaning that I called Pam and so did he. He thinks I think he is not competent to figure these things out. I told him I wanted to have a status so I COULD BE READY. Lauren came to dry Dad's hair and told him to wipe that scowl off his face. I told him that I wanted to know so I could go buy lunch and we could have that ready but I don't really think he believes me.

And, at this point I really don't care about anyone else in this house. Not literally you guys. But seriously, this is Saturday. A day for FAMILY. A day to be HOME with my kids, hanging out getting ready for basketball games and sleepovers. Not to be in the middle of grouch central and to have to tiptoe around your words and make sure you are saying the right things. Mom is in the process of sweeping and cleaning and trying to find a place for ALL of the extra things in their room that four months ago we did not have to worry about. Things like wound care supplies and pads and gloves and all that jazz. I cannot imagine the frustration of Mom's world and how much she would just like to blink her eyes and go back 2 years to life before CANCER. I would really rather be anywhere else right now than here.

Okay, I feel so much better. Seriously I just wanted to load up my stuff and GO HOME. You know this morning when I got up and coughed Dad's first reply was "GO HOME". To which I replied "GO HOME?" And he said "Yes, go outside, get in car, start it, and go home. Easy, really." He can be such a smart ass. He even wanted to call Kevin to come get me and asked me if he needed to do that. So, sweet. Maybe going home RIGHT NOW is what I should do. But then that would be leaving in a huff and that is never good.

I know Dad is just frustrated and that this is really not Dad talking. That it is the cancer and the fear and the anxiety of the situation. But it is so hard not to bite back and say something really, really ugly. You know really speak your mind.

So, I'm going to the store and get some food for lunch. I think that will make me feel better. And, Mom can continue to clean their room and Dad can hopefully get over his case of the grumpies.

Keep us in your thoughts and prayers everyone...... pray that Dad can find peace with his situation ............... his comment to me this morning was "I just want to get up and be a father and not just sit here like a lump." Oh, sweet papa, we do to.................................

Hugs,
Stephanie

Naps.. naps.. boxes...

Hebrews 13:6

So we say with confidence,

“The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid.

What can man do to me?”

Lauren here...

My second day home and still trying to get back in to the groove of things.. except I'm leaving tomorrow to get back into "serious student" mode. My brain is very confused..

Jill appreciates this much, but Dad took TWO 3 and a half hour naps today. One from 9-12:30pm and one from 6-9:30pm. And he allowed me to leave him in just Matt's care today while I took my dear sister to the airport. I am glad that Dad allowed that. Makes me feel good that he can spend time with my bubba like that and BE OK. He only called once when I was almost home just to see when I would be there.

Dad has had 4 fried eggs, 2 bowls of grits (some goes to pups) and a bowl of macaroni. Woooweee.. Happy belly. Not to mention the coffee, water, and the new juice kick that he is on.

It is good to be home and see my Papa Bear and my family. Maybe this is where I should be... I miss simplicity.

at midnight in the Bailey house you would think it is the middle of the day. Dad, Mom, and Steph are going through some boxes. Dad put on the "Oh Brother Where Art Thou" CD soundtrack... OH dear I think Mom just thought a bug or something crawled on her.. haha (false alarm)

Not much more to report today. Jill went to Austin for the weekend. Steph is here for the weekend? Pam and Tim are coming tomorrow.

I know this is about Papa Bear.. but I wanted to ask all of those who read this .. prayer is of paramount importance..
as you have Dad in your hearts and prayers I have a request for prayers..

My boyfriend, Sgt Tyler Grant is going to Iraq soon. I just ask that you keep him and his family in your prayers.

Love and cherish you all.
-la la

Stay HOME! You are Sick!

Dad called me tonight about 5:15 to check on me. You don't know how much that warms my heart when he does that. When I told him I was on my way to see him shortly. He said "YOU ARE SICK, STAY HOME!" That made me feel better but I really wanted to see him tonight. I do feel much better than I did this morning. Dad even said I sounded better. So I stayed at the office, got a few things done and am headed home to eat chili and play with my kids and take a bubble bath and GO TO BED. He told me that he has the box cleaning up all planned out. So, I told him I would rest and be over tomorrow to help him. There was really no arguing with him on that point. And my neck feels sick anyway, so he was probably right. Daddies always are............

take care everyone and keep warm.

Verse for the day........

In the LORD I put my trust. Psalm 11:1

This will have to be my verse for the day and always. I have to learn to lean on God. To trust in him. To know that with him I will be able to handle this and everything. That I will be okay. That He will hold onto me when I feel like I am falling apart.

Sleep doesn't come easy people

Hello everyone – Happy Thursday to you! Stephanie here……. Just came from my doctor for those of you who were wondering about me, she gave me some more drugs…….. Yeah!

Here are a few text updates I received from Jill over the last few days:

Tuesday January 22, 2008 11:28 pm
“Dad is sleeping, mom readin, Jill workin”

Tuesday January 22, 2008 11:43 pm
“Dad took his first nap in 7 days today. 2.5 hours” Yeah!

Jill is right Dad is not sleeping much at all lately. I can’t tell if it is he just has such high anxiety or he is afraid he might miss something or he just wants to see and do everything or he is afraid of sleep. And, today at the doctor I wonder if the cancer being in his adrenal gland is messing with his need to sleep. Who knows? But we will take whatever nap we can get.

Wednesday January 23, 2008 7:45 am
”Dad was up most of the night. Slept from 3:40 am – 4:24 am. No sleep for me. Catchin a disco nap now. Dad’s urine is really dark and solid bits. Called nurse.”

Wednesday January 23, 2008 7:47 am
“Waitin for callback (from nurse). Dad is very upset about Heath Leger. More later.”

Wednesday January 23, 2008 3:35 pm (after nurse visits Dad)
“That he is eating good. Eyes are clear which is good. And seems alert. All good for now. Nurse made suggestions on meds to aid sleep. I am so…….. (I’m guessing sleepy)”

Wednesday January 23, 2008 3:35 pm
“Dad is trying to rest……… so far unsuccessfully. Nurse was here. Changed line and bag. Some staining from bilirubin. Pulse 98. Temp 97.5. Blood Pressure 143/84”

So, guys this is so hard. As humans here on earth we want to look for signs of what is going to happen to help prepare ourselves emotionally. You know that in the end the urine becomes dark, and the body temperature cools and so on and so on. So, when you see these things begin to happen your body freaks out on the inside. But then, things change and go a little back to normal. So you catch your breath. So, for now we sit and we wait and we enjoy all of the good times and have fun when Dad calls us and checks up on everyone.

Yesterday morning at 5:30 am he called his sister Pam to check in. He kept calling and calling her cell phone. I talked to Pam and she told me she keeps her cell in her purse. Dear sweet Aunt Pam, now your brother would tell us that is simply not acceptable (smile). He called me yesterday and then said he was having problems with his cell phone and that he would call me back. I talked to him last night to tell him that Ms. Jones (his sister’s mother-n-law) passed away the night before. Dad’s speech was sort of garbled but I talked to him again this morning and he was fine. Sounded perfectly normal. You see what I mean about rallying? He said that he was the only one awake and that everyone else was sleeping. I asked if everyone else had just gone to sleep and he said no, he had been sleeping since midnight. I’ll be checking out that story.

Anyhow, I must go get to work. I am working a little more than half a day today and then going to see my Papa Bear. The DFW area is supposed to get bad weather (we shall see about that) like a thin layer of ice tonight after midnight so I really can’t afford to be stuck over there as I need to work tomorrow some.

Oops, I almost forgot a very big THANK YOU to my Aunt Shirley for going over to Mom and Dad's to hang out with Dad and Mom on Monday night so Jill could get some much needed work down. I got home at 3:00 am Monday so I was not looking forward to going over and staying that late again. Aunt Pam is coming this weekend and Lauren should be on the road home now.

I hope you all have a wonderful day. Keep us in your prayers. Hug your loved ones. Smile. Take pleasure in the beauty and wonder of earth. Forgo a grudge. Forgive an enemy. Listen. Examine your demands on others (are you listening papa bear? – smile). Apologize. Be kind, be gentle. Laugh a little. Laugh a little more. Speak your love.

I love you all very much!

Clutter be Gone! Christmas FINALLY OVER!

Well……… in case you were waiting and wondering, yes I got the computer part exchanged for Matt’s computer and Matt got his PC fully operational with Internet connections and all. Yeah! Many, many thanks to my brother in law David for coming over Friday night to make that all happen. I am very thankful that it all worked out fine.

I know you guys have been waiting for an update. There is nothing horrible going on at the present time. We’ve just all been VERY BUSY! I started to update several times over the weekend but struggled with what to write. The nurse came to see Dad Friday and said that his wound looked good but that his right lung did not sound as strong as his left. That might mean the cancer has spread. That made dad sad and he held up his hand and told the nurse that he did not want to hear anymore. I cannot imagine. I don’t know what to make of this news.

Friday night I spent the night over at Mom and Dad’s. I was up with Dad until 3:30 am and he slept until about 5:30 am. Then we had toast. Then I think Dad took a little nap, I know I did for at least an hour. Then Dad had grits and a poached egg. But, I could never get the poached egg over easy, so I think most of the eggs went to the doggies. The doggies were happy about that. Dad and I took one additional nap around 10:30, maybe another hour. And, for the rest of the day I was in a coma, almost like a walking zombie. I went to Hayden’s basketball game Saturday night, to dinner with my family and fell asleep at my house on the bed with NO sheets on it, didn’t seem to matter at 8:00 pm and slept solid until the next day. I was tired.
Saturday my sweet Aunt Shirley stopped by for a visit and brought her sweet little grandson Brennan. He was so sweet and was a little bright spot in the afternoon. So talkative and he made dad smile a few times. He is a very busy little boy.

My mom’s cousin was with us from Wednesday to this past Monday. She was an angel special sent by God that I know for sure. She cooked, washed dishes after dishes, looked after my momma, answered phones, and played with doggies. She sat with Dad and visited with him and even helped with some of his care. Leg rubbing is an important job. Dad’s legs hurt him so much. That was awesome. Norma, thank you so much for taking a huge burden off of us. It really meant a lot I know to me that you were able to leave your family and come help us in our time of need. We already miss you! At least it wasn’t all work and no play as Mom and Norma were able to go out to eat at Olive Garden Saturday evening. I know that time was much needed fun and conversation. Poor Jill was left with Dad. Matt had Patrick over to get the last few things finished with his computer. I know that that had to be exhausting!

Sunday was a day of FINALLY putting up my Christmas tree and picking up general clutter and my house and cleaning up. Sunday night I went to Dad’s old office and met my Aunt Shirley and got the items that were in Dad’s office. Very bittersweet to see my Dad’s old office no longer my dad’s. He should be there working, planning houses, coordinating things. It just made me very, very sad. And then that night, when I got to Dad’s I brought all of the boxes in the house and took them to him one by one and he went through each one of them and he threw away the trash and told me what where to put each and every thing. He had his pillow, a heating pad, blanket and several things up at the office for pain. That made me very sad too. So, we found a place for everything, I think. I still have all of the art work from his office in the back of my SUV and that will have to wait for another day.

Dad had me open the doors to his closet to see if I thought that Kevin might wear his Izod shirts. I told Dad I would ask Kevin what he thought. He just wants to make sure that his special stuff and the things he cared about are given to special people.

He had Jill take pictures of the back carport. You know all of the boxes of things that we took out of the storage building back in October? Well, people, as you might have seen we have been very busy and that stuff is STILL there. Hasn’t really been touched. And now, Dad wants to get that cleaned up too………. He had Mom help him clean out his red armoire in their room yesterday. So, now there are boxes and stuff everywhere. Clutter makes us Bailey sisters cranky, so I’m hoping we can soon find a place for all of that stuff as I know getting stuff done and cleaned and organized is important to Dad and maybe, just maybe is part of this process.

I have so much more to share with you guys but I’m thinking about taking tomorrow off to go see my sweet papa bear so right now my purpose is WORK!!

yea.. we are blessed

Greetings here from Arkadoo...

I know how my sister feels now when she is away from dad for so long. It is very very hard. I just want to be home taking care of him, SEEING him. I just need help not feeling selfish for coming back to school. I don't want to feel that way, but I feel like my leaving left a huge burden on those left to take care of the Bailey household. I know that I am here to focus and take care of school, but it is hard knowing that all is not well back home. And I'm not just 45 minutes away or 15 minutes away. I am 4 hours away and it sucks.

TO my sisters or aunt or mother or any one for that matter...
please tell me when I need to come home. My professors.. and everyone are understanding of this situation and please don't feel like its necessary for me to stay here for 5 straight days.. it is so so so so hard. I'm trying to focus and take care of work, but its hard to not think about where you should be. My heart is telling me to be home, but my head is saying take care of things.. heart troops head... I want to be home this weekend Jill to help support you. I feel like you're taking on too much and I need to help you. Help me help you!

I miss my family and I miss my Papa

I love everyone. We are blessed.
lots of prayer and hugs and kisses

-lue

Blessed......... hugs........ kisses

I am feeling so blessed tonight, and blue (more about that later). I just had a conversation with a co-worker who said her daughter would be very resentful when her husband's mom was ill and she had to pick up ALL the slack with the kids. And it made me realize HOW BLESSED I am. My husband is wonderful in all of this. Never asks questions, and no he probably does not understand all I'm thinking but that does not matter. He is here for me to pick up the slack and do whatever. And I love him for that. really love him.

And I am blessed and thankful that Norma has taken on the role today at the Bailey house of keeping it clean and picked up and doing whatever. She has already been keeping busy with dishes and laundry and dishes and laundry and visiting with Dad. I told you people there were lots of dishes........ now I have a witnesss to it all!! Hopefully my mom is on her way home to visit and have some dinner. We are blessed to be surrounded by family members who love us and want to do whatever it takes to help us. That makes me happy.

Dad called me twice today. The first time was to get an update on everything. He wanted to know about the PC. Said that that was causing a major issue because he needed his PC back. I told him that Matt was using the family PC and that his PC was on the floor in his room and so he should just ask for it back. That seemed to settle him. He wanted to know how his babies (aka grand kids were doing). He told me how much he enjoyed my message that we sent him this morning. He said it was a good way to start his day. When we get ready to hang up, Dad says "HUGS & KISSES" and I hang on every word............ hugs and kisses everyone.

I'm feeling a bit blue tonight. I am still at work and have accomplished absolutely nothing since 5:05. I know my blood sugar got very low. I don't even want to admit how many Girl Scout Lemonades I just ate. Seriously what is up with that? So, why am I still at the office. My desk looks like a tornado hit it but I don't care. Again, why didn't I finish and grade the papers for the new trainee. Don't know. Did I mention I don't care, not at all. It will be here tomorrow.

I will try and get some updates from Jill and post something tonight when I get home. I am off to Fry's to take back this PC part. Wish me luck as I'm going out of my element big time.

At least I know I am blessed,
Stephanie

Killing me...........

to not be able to see my Papa Bear since what Sunday? Yes, that is so true. I am working, yes again, the necessary evils of life. Jill there with him, as is Mom and Matt. Dad is so well taken care of but I hate it that I am here and he is there. I want to run and go see him but for me that means a 45 minute trip one way. So, here are my latest text updates from Jill:

Yesterday 10:13 am:
"Hi. Getting dressed. Hospice agency here a bit ago. Washed dad's hair and changed shirt."

I talked to Dad yesterday a few times. He called me to tell me that the Hoods (Norma) was on the way. I am excited that Mom will have a companion and that there will be extra hands there to do whatever needs to be done.

This morning on the way to school I had the kids voice record a message on my cell phone "Good morning. Have a great day"

Text update from Jill today at 10:32 am
"Your message made dad laugh and smile. Said it was a good way to start the day."

Yeah, I am glad for that.

I have a call into my doctor to kill off my green goo monster that has been in my body for way, way too long. Hopefully, she will be able to call in some good stuff to make it go away. I'm training a new employee today so that I can really not be away too much.

Hannah and Hayden are doing well. Monday is a school holiday and I asked her if she wanted to go to Grandma and Papa's. Something normally they get really excited about and she told me that she just wanted to see me because she never really gets too. I told her that I could see what I could do. Ouch! This is really hard.

The Bailey Prayer request for Thursday: Prayer warriors - here your go:

• Steph to feel better
• Jill to be able to get lots of work done today, no not the take care of Dad work but you know the kid that pays the bills.......
• Lauren to get lots of school work done today and have the awesome focus that only God can provide. Go sister!
• Matt to help where he can when he can and to be sweet and loving and sweet and to rub Dad's feet when they need to be rubbed.
• Dad to be comfortable today and work on his list and find peace. I am way behind on my "to do's" from Dad's list. I need to get working on those. Geez, whatever!
• Mom to have a great day and find peace too. We all need peace.
• The courage to tell Dad it is okay to go when he is ready. I am really struggling with that one. I am SO not ready to say it is okay. I am do not want him to go on. I am scared that I will so fall apart.

Man, okay, that was a very long list of things to ask God for. So, you guys better log off of blog world. Get praying!

Hugs and lots of love. I love you guys!
Stephanie

An update from Tuesday

Stephanie here…………

Text update I received from Jill yesterday at 11:26 am on 1/15/08:

"Dad slept from 12-2.Woke up coughing his head off. Back to sleep at 2:30 and wide awake at 3:00. Awake til 5:15. Had mac and cheese and almond steamer. Slept til 8:50."

I am stressing though that Dad got the cough from me. I promise I washed my hands a million gillion times when I was over there last. I am still feeling very under the weather. This cough will not go away. Still green goo. I need to call my doctor.

I talked to Dad several times yesterday. At one point he was eating mac and cheese and fish sticks. Yeah, more protein!! And then another time, he was having grits. Everytime I talked to him he said he was sleepy and was going to try and take a nap. Sometimes it is very easy to understand him on the phone other times the words seems so garbled.

Last night, Jill and Matt got to go to a musical on some tickets Matt won. Shirley and Mom hung out with Dad. Talked to Mom last night and she sounded good and relaxed. I know it helps when you have the companionship of your sister.

No reports from Camp Bailey this morning. I am at work today. Please pray that I am able to focus on my responsibilities here. I am feeling at the end of my rope emotionally. It was a very interesting night at Camp Lewis last night. I’ll update on that later.

Help is on the way people............

I wish that I had something different to report, but things seem to basically be the same. We continue to pray for the lessening of the pain and peace for Dad. His strong will to live and take care of his family is what keeps us all going. We know that all of this is part of God's plan. We don't understand it, and frankly we don't like it, but we remain strong in our faith.

That is so true, we don't understand it. And that is why it is so important for the help we can get on earth, you know the push your sleeves up and scrub dishes kind of help. And, it is my understanding that that type of help is coming directly from San Antonio on Wednesday. She will be here to do dishes, sweep the floors, wash clothes, fold laundry, pet and play with the doggies, answer the phone and take messages and listen for folks to knock on the door. She will also be able to visit with and pray with my sweet Mom and cook dinner occasionally. These are the bestest things you can do for us right now............... Maybe even sit with Dad and visit as he tolerates it............... So you are on the schedule for Wednesday, yeah! No turning back now (smile)!

I left Mom and Dad's last night about 7:45 and went to pick up my kids from my in-laws. I hadn't seen them all weekend. I kept staying at Mom and Dad's hoping to get some more things done. It just seems like you sit in this wicked time machine and the days fly by so fast it makes your head spin. Where does the time go? What happened to our plans for the day? I think though that as more and more time goes by we are going to realize that the imporant things are just sitting with Dad and being there and if the kitchen is so messy you can't see the countertops then that is fine (even though it will probably drive some of us crazy).............. And the other part sometimes is that when you are talking to Dad about the day to day things of life, it is Dad but then again it is not so you cannot talk to him about the boring day to day things.......... he needs peace and understanding not whining and griping and he said she said stuff. So, hard people, seriously so hard.

And, to the comment about needing my sisters....... I totally understand what Lauren means when she says it just helps having all of us there. We can be there to support each other in different ways. We are all special and have our special ways of being there. That is how God created us. It is really hard when you are in the trenches with Dad and you can't yell out into the den and say "sister, can you please............ ?" I know we will get through this, that our awesome God does not give us anything we cannot handle. But seriously, I feel very tested on this one.

Hope you have a great Monday!
Stephanie

eggs.. bacon.. biscuits??

So yea about the title.
Dad has been eating eggs the past few days. A poached egg in the middle of his perfectly cooked grits. Mom made her yummy homemade biscuits and Matt cooked some bacon AND Dad ate a plate of biscuits with strawberry preserves and some bacon. Not quite sure what to think about that. Dad said he was glad that food was tasting good again, but that maybe food has tasted this good, but he was too chicken to try. Whatever it is, I'm glad he is getting protein.

Oh Lauren here by the way.

It is almost 10pm and I sit here and wonder, like I do every day, Where did the day go? Maybe I should try to sleep while Mom is up. I have a feeling Dad isn't going to get that 5 hours of sleep straight again... BUT Matt just heated up some potato skins from the steak dinner I bought my sweet sister last night. She forgot to take it home for her lunch. Poop. YUMMY. Sorry sister. It wont go to waste.

I am ready for my other sister to come home.. I like to have my sisters here. Both of them. And I am about to leave them.. I feel horrible for abandoning you Jillybean. I am so anxious or maybe that is not the right word.. about going back to school. I have been weird the past few days... more distant. I just am dreading having to adjust to another way of life. Last October my world got shaken up and I adjusted... Now I have to balance being a "normal" college student and being studious and such.. but also worrying about how Dad is doing... Trying not to drive myself crazy in thinking that I should be home. I know that it will all work out. God would not give me anything that He knew I could not handle. As far as worrying:

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. Matthew 6:34

I try to remember that. Sometimes I struggle to give it all up to God. I think many struggle with that.

Anywho, I need to get to packing up the rest of my college life and oh yea my books and stuff.. I might need those.

Love you all and keep those prayers coming this way.

Chirstmas is Almost Over You Guys!

Okay, almost all of the Christmas decorations are FINALLY packed up at the Bailey house for next year. The tree is still in the living room but at least the ornaments are off of it. We have a few decorations that are in need of a storage bin.

Matt made dad a John Denver CD.......... totally cool............. I hear singing along I think from the Dad and Mom's room. They are listening to the song.........."Take me home country road......... take me home......... country road." I wonder if that song has multiple meanings? When I look at Dad it makes me somewhat sad because he is so very thin sometimes. At times he doesn't seem like Dad but at times he has his witty and can be so funny. Like tonight Lauren is meeting and old classmate friend (a boy) at Texas Roadhouse. But they are meeting with some other friends and the boy is bringing his girlfriend bu that still did not stop Dad from saying "I'm telling Tyler." Too funny. From my perspective Dad had a really good day. He does not seem to have TOO much pain. He took one nap but of course by the time I got in there to sleep he was awake and saying his FAMOUS "HEY". So, why am I not surprised. It is just like taking care of the newborn baby when you finally decide to rest the baby wakes up crying.

Matt had a good visit with his friend. He had complete joy when he was leaving that was really cool!

Laddie got at bath today. He looks like a totally different dog. Maggie is very sad and had a different day. She didn't get all of her afternon naps in and Mom didn't talk to her much when she got home so she was out of sorts. Both dogs helped me but the rest of the Christmas decoratoins up. They had to be bribed to help with a treat.

It is now officially 8:50 pm and I am STILL in my PJs! Why am I the only one that did not get dressed? Don't know. I do feel a little better. Still coughing up green goo! Yuck!!! Probably to much info for blog world but at least I am not coughing quite as much. Hopefully my sweet sister is bringing me dinner. Hayden's first basketball game was tonight. His team lost. Bummer!!! Kevin is home with the kids tonight. I miss being home........... I am off to make a coke or coffee. I need caffeine!! Matt does not have as much faith in Lauren so he is off to get Taco Bell.

Mom is reading to Dad. I am off to check on them.

Go Cowboys!

Stephanie

Communications & Cleaning

Hello hear from Camp Bailey......... lazy day around the Bailey house NOT. Lauren and I have been cleaning....... well Lauren has been cleaning mostly. The house is looking very HGTVish....... Suzy Homemaker, well maybe so! Mom is giving platets. Her appointment to give was today at 12:30.

Well let me back up a bit........ this morning around 11:40 Matt shows in in the kitchen and says hello I'm going to Patricks house........ and I'm standing in the kitchen thinking oh my that is not good because Lauren is meeting a friend for lunch and Mom is about to leave to give platelets. I can't be by myself. And then Matt starts to loose it because NO ONE told him about any of this. I was the keeper of all of the information and NO ONE communicated to anyone of the PLANS. So, I then turned into the keeper of the peace because you see everyone just assumed that Matt would BE HERE. And no one asked him. Not Mom, not me, not Lauren. So, I came up with a plan.......... and it included Braums for Matt (yeah!). Mom and Lauren could go on with their plans and Matt could do his plans when Lauren got back. And YEAH everyone was happy! I love happiness........... But seriously people, we ALL need to do a better job in the communication department.

And, the most exciting news of all is that Dad slept from about 1:30 a.m. to 6:20 a.m. this morning. That is awesome......... He woke up and Mom and I visited with him and he had grits and a poached EGG.........yes, you read that correctly......... protein! Yeah!!! Dad is visiting right now with Shirley and Lauren is cleaning out the fridge and I am well, typing and updating all you guys. I am in serious need of a nap.

More later!

Stephanie

Welcome to the funny farm.......

Stephanie here....... the funny farm that is so true........ I feel like we are all part of it at some point. So, dear sister Lauren I FINALLY showed up at around midnight. I had SUCH a hard time leaving my dear family of four to come here. It is not that I didn't want to come and help and take care of dad and lend my support. It is just that I wanted things to be normal so I could stay home and come for other reasons like birthdays and Mothers Day and all the other holidays. When I got here Dad had just woken up from sleeping and it scared me because he was more disoriented that I've seen him. Not a confused I don't know where I am but confused as to why he was feeling the way he was. Lauren told him that he wasn't sure what Shirley had told him and she reminded him to remember the things she had told him. He told us that he thought about calling Shirley but he wasn't sure if she had "talked to Ross". My dear Aunt Shirley, I'm not sure what you would need to "talk to Ross" about but whatever peace you were able to give maybe you could come back again soon? Maybe my dear Aunt Shirley has been graduated to our level and should be sleeping with her phone!!

Dad feel back asleep after Lauren stretched him out. I won't even say what he thought about that. Lauren remembers............ funny, huh? Laughing, seriously, well awkward! !! I got here even later because I stopped by Wal-mart to buy some cool PJs for me and Lauren. They say Hugs come in ALL sizes. And, I also bought her some groceries and gifts for going back to school...... you know stuff like mac and cheese, spaghetti, and golden grahams. And, plus I think it was just one more way to delay coming here and getting back into the reality of everything.

So, here is what Dad said to me "I am glad you are here..... welcome to the
funny farm". Such a character. He asked me about how was the squirrel (more on that later) and said "I didn't get a picture". And, when I heard those things my heart knew I was in the right place even if my body thinks it should be elsewhere. And, my sweet hubby gave me a hug before I left that said it will be okay.

So, I am off to crawl into some bed somewhere......... my sweet sis has a laundry list of things to do tomorrow like put away the rest of the Christmas decorations and clean out the fridge and pantry and I must add that the kitchen and den look almost like HGTV worthy! Thank you sweet sister! And, my sweet brother put all of those million of dishes that accumulate in Dads room in the dishwasher. I think we're going to be able to work together after all........

Sweet dreams blog world. I love each and every one of you!

Stephanie

was that a smile?

Lauren here

Dad slept a little more last night.. maybe about 3 hours total. I woke up early to take over so Jill could go to bed for a few more hours. Where did the day go? It is already 9pm geez.

Shirley came over today to hang out with Dad and talk to him about finding some peace. Shirley, I don't know what all you said to Dad, but I haven't seem him smile and look so peaceful in a very long time. He might need you to come over and do that every day. Thank you so much Aunt Shirley, you are a dear and I love you very much!

The nurse came around when Shirley was leaving and we took care of business. Dad's ticker seems to be doing well and she had nothing negative to say. He just told her that he was feeling relaxed and needed a nap. Yes a nap. He hadn't slept all day. He finally fell asleep. He said that he hasn't had such ease falling asleep and being ok with it all.

Mom is home, made her some dinner and she is hanging out with Papa Bear. Jill made it home safely to Austin and I miss her already. Where is my other dear sister. I feel like she has been away too long!! She should be coming here shortly...


Take care all.

Spirtual Self

Stephanie here......... I did talk to Dad tonight. He was sleepy. He says he needs about six hours of sleep but only gets about three. I think if you might ask those that take care of him that might be stretching the truth a little bit. I don't think he has slept but maybe two nights more than a few hours a time. I know that would make me exhausted. I see fear; fear of going to sleep and not waking back up to be with us. Dad asked me what his grand kids were up to. I gave him a mini run down and he said he thought I enjoyed being mom right now. That I needed to do that. I agree with him. But why does it feel SO WRONG?

Well I'm home again tonight. I feel like a broken record. Broken being the ultimate word. I'm here at home with my kids doing all the normal things like make dinner and referee fights and oversee homework that 3 months ago I would never have given a second thought to. Now, being home with kids instead of with Dad and my sisters well just feels wrong. I want to be there to see him and talk to him. I just want to touch him and feel him and oh yeah, Dad's favorite stare at him while he sleeps. It seems in my mind a little over the top. Lesson here: Spend all the time you can with those you love so you won't be trying to fit it all in at the end. I don't think that is what I'm doing but I do want to soak up every second even if some of the words on Dad's end are a little grumpy. I would say he is entitled.

Pray for spiritual healing of my papa bear since we cannot heal the rest of him on this earth. I think there are questions he just needs answers to. I hope that whoever can give him those answers shows up soon. Although my spiritual self is struggling because does that mean once that is all resolved he will be ready to leave us?

And on a much happier note Greys is NOT a rerun tonight. Yeah!!!!! It starts in 15 minutes. I am not accustomed to watching live TV so I think I will let it record and have the kids in bed by nine so I can watch it a little delayed. This cough is not going away AND THAT IS BEYOND ANNOYING!

Off to check my blood sugar. If you see my papa tell him that I'm doing so. That would make him proud.

Finding peace...

Lauren here...

Jill's turn up with dad last night. He didn't hardly sleep, and if and when he did fall asleep, it was only for a few minutes. The cable guy just came to fix some stuff and Matt was in there with Dad, I just went in to check on him and Dad is ASLEEP!!!! Hopefully he can get some rest. OK, come on now, he is already awake and calling me. I just want him to get rest because I know that he will wake up feeling a little better. But then again I can see where is anxious about going to sleep.

Dad needs to find peace. He told me today he wants a shrink or a counselor to talk to about it. I asked him if there were things that we could help with. He said it was things that couldn't be fixed. Like not seeing me get married or seeing me graduate (yes I cried and so did he) He also worries about Mom and Matt. I just told him that I couldn't promise that everything would be OK, but I did tell him that we would all work our hardest and exhaust all options to help out. I hope that helped him a little. I want Dad to find peace, I can't imagine what he is going through.

Matt and Jill just adjusted Dad, maybe he can get a little comfortable...

more later...

I Get By with a little help from my FRIENDS

Hi! Bye! That was my conversation with Dad tonight! Mom handed Dad the phone and that is what he said to me. I told him I just wanted to call and say hi and then the kids screamed "Hello Granddad" and "We Love You" I called to check in with Mom. She said she has started the conversation with Dad's doctor about radiation. Waiting on word from them. That was good to hear.

Jill and Lauren are at the movies tonight. Talked to Lauren too and she said they ran away. Dad gave them the standard pouty face when face when they announced they were going. Poor Mom, I hope that Dad relaxes and just chills. They were watching HGTV and flipping over to watch some of the Maverick game. Mom said that Dad was a little more uncomfortable today. That scares me so!

I had dinner tonight with one of my good friends (mom to one of Hannah's good friends) while they were at dance. It was good to catch up. I don't remember the last time in the last few months that I have gotten to do that where it wasn't me picking up my kids from her house because she had covered for me because I was somewhere else. Her sweet hubby is leaving Friday to go North to see his mom who is not in good health. Lift them up in prayer too. Throughout this it has been the kindness of friends that have stepped in and taken up the slack and picked up my kids from events and from school and fed them dinner and let carve pumpkins. Your kindness is appreciated more than you know.

And why you are praying and asking for specific things....... Ask for me to have energy and focus to get what needs to be done done and to let go all of the little things that I don't have to do. Pray for this coughing bug to leave my body so I can feel better. I did stay home from work this morning and rested more and I felt like a whole new person.

Okay, I hear that unsupervised my kids have turned on the Disney Channel. And yes, it is 10:30. Never enough hours in the day. Dance and basketball and baths and homework and chill out time and it is LATE people. Christmas break killed our bedtime routine. For those of you laughing "what routine?" at least it was not THIS late! Hayden fell asleep the other day in class but thankfully the sweet little girl Rebeca saved him.

And, I get by with the help and encouragement of my family, the bestest of friends! Thank you for all of your encouraging words.

Here is to another day! Hope you have a great Thursday!

so fresh and so clean

Lauren here...

Dad slept a little more last night. Seemed to be a bit more restful. He hasn't napped yet today, but I think he might be working on one. I woke Jill and Matt up about 9:15 this morning.. and I went to take a little snooze about 10am. Jill has been in there most of the day, I have been working on keeping the den and kitchen/breakfast area clean. Its almost there... About to make some lunch though.

Dad got his grits earlier. I am glad that we finally found some that he will eat without having to drive to Baylor every morning.. We got Dad all freshened up today, shaved, hair and face washed. He looks like a new man. I think that always makes him feel better. I told him it is such a beautiful day outside and I opened the blinds up all the way so he can see the sunshine flowing in. Sunshine is such a happy wonderful thing. I love days like this.

Maggie has been a sick pup today. I think she ate a part of a tennis ball this morning (imagine that) Well it didn't agree with her. She took a nap in there with Dad, although he begrudgingly said it was ok for her to be there. It was her safe spot, especially since I've been cleaning. Laddie is enjoying the cool tile floor that I uncovered in the breakfast area.

Today seems to be a better day all around (yay) Now if we just get Mom home, Dad will feel even better. He really does not want me to go to school, which is understandable. I just know that last semester did not work doing school at home and this semester I have last semesters work to do as well. OH boy. I just told him I was a plane ride away from being home.

well I have hungry people in the house including myself...

more later. I LOVE YOU GUYS!!

I need to put some gas in my tire.. wait gas in my air.. no AIR IN MY TIRE!!

Lauren here...

this title is about how our brain's are some days. Jill and I got to get away for a little while and head out to Firewheel and do some shopping. It was a pleasant evening. I think we were a bit braindead and needed dinner but did have some Starbucks and an Auntie Anne's pretzel. Always a bonus!! We didn't really come home with much. All the spring and summer stuff is out already, I still want long sleeves people!

Dad seemed a bit anxious and uncomfortable today. He didn't sleep hardly any all night (not unusual) and didn't go to sleep or nap I guess until about 2:30pm. He slept about 3 hours. From then he has been in and out of sleep.. maybe about 10-15 minutes at a time. That probably means no sleep tonight. Hopefully we can get Dad comfortable so maybe he sleeps a little bit. Jill and I got Bewitched at the store, maybe Dad will watch it with us. Get away from Legally Blonde for a little while (although it is better than Galaxy Quest)

There is not much else to report tonight...

Chocolate always loves you back .........

Chcolcolate always loves you back..............

That was the message from the Dove Chocolate heart that Hannah opened tonight. Isn't that so true. Sometimes chocolate loves you a little too much!! And speaking of things that you love, I love getting to spend time with my family........... and tonight was totally awesome! Here was my night:

• Pick my kids up from school
• Hurry to get Hannah and Hayden's dinner made
• get Hannah to dance on time.
• Go to Wal-mart and back to dance in under an hour to pick Hannah up. Hayden followed me around with our list marking things off and telling me "Mom that is not on the list". But at least he would write it and add it............. So cute! We got to dance at 7:33. We would have been on time but this Mom caved and let Hayden pick out a toy (for which he will be paying me back for) and that took extra time.
• And then on the way to the car Hayden spotted two one dollar bills. I have to tell you I felt guilty picking it up. But Hayden said: Finders keepers.
• Made pizza for me and my hubby, well mainly for my hubby...... with a glass of wine waiting when he got home from tennis
• Stood around in the kitchen having true family time. The funny for tonight was while at Wal-mart I picked up a magnet for the fridge that had a whole bunch of Valentine words that you could use to make sayings. Hannah was appalled by the word "Sexy" so she took all of those and made a big deal of tossing them in the trash. Seriously, can I just freeze her innocence and not let her grow up anymore? Please?
• Made homemade brownies for the kids. They guilted me into it!
• Helped them get their PJs on and get ready for bed.
• Cleaned up kitchen
• Started a load of laundry
• Cleaned out junk drawer........
• Now 11:26 and kids are sleepting and Kevin is watching a movie. I let them stay up too late......... and no they did not just go to sleep

Most importantly I was just here! Tonight I truly enjoyed my kids. I still feel yucky. Like I could rest for days and days. But tonight I didn't feel like the daughter of a father who has cancer. I felt normal and it felt wonderful. But I did have a little guilt for feeling normal. Jeez, people.

It was just a really cool family night with only a hint of the fact of the reality of the situation creeping way into the back of my mind. I let the reality back in when I called Dad to tell him good night and the reality really hit back home. He sounded so groggy, okay guys, I know he is entitled to be tired. But really he sounded different to me. I told him I was calling to tell him good night and that I loved him. He said Love you too......... hope you have a good night.

And I get sad, like the other night when I was loading up my car to go home and he held out his arms to hug me bye and I said "I'll be back after I load my car." And, when I came back I didn't get my hug because he was sleeping. I have this silly feeling that I should blow off work the rest of this week and just go hang and be. I heard from somewhere that Dad wanted to do more radiation. I think the pain is really starting to be awful. I just don't know if that is really even an option. I'm just really trying to live and be so I have no regrets and I know that that might not be possible. I am thankful for those that listen and give me advise. Thank you, thank you!

So, I am going to go drift off to dream land about chocolate and happy thoughts and sweet memories of my papa....................

Good night bloggers! Good night sisters - hope you had as much fun shopping as I did with my family!
Stephanie