Has it Really Been Three Years?

Yes, it has. It has been just short of three years since our Dad was called to Heaven. I'm sorry I didn't post anything on our blog sooner. For some reason, this year, I got so busy around the time of this anniversary that I didn't even realize the date was coming up until someone reminded me. Does that mean that I'm healing or does that mean that I was just too busy this year? I'd like to think that means I'm healing. Right now, I'm sitting at the computer at the Bailey house typing this update. Just like I used to do when Dad was sick. The difference though is now I can spend as much time at the computer without Dad wondering "where" we are. And, I don't like that part one bit.


I don't wish him back here to be in pain. I just want him back HERE with us. I know that I have to trust God's plan for this but it doesn't make missing him any easier. Last night, Lauren and I were out shopping and we had been gone from the Bailey house for some time. I commented to Lauren how that would've never flown when Dad was alive. He would've been calling us for updates as to when we would be back home. Oh, the memories......


Man, oh man, I miss those calls. I still have two messages from Dad on my answering machine. It is nice to be able to hear his voice still. I know that he is watching over us from Heaven and keeping a close eye. I just wish he was able to keep his eyes and us and take care of us still. I miss you Dad. Thank you for the many memories, for loving me no matter what, for loving my mom and for loving my kids.

Spring Cleaning.....

Today is the first day of spring and it is snowing in Texas........... Yesterday it was in the 70s and this morning it was 32 degrees....... So, since it is too cold to play outside Hannah and I are cleaning up and organizing her room......... makes me sad because we are getting rid of so many "little" girl things. She is growing up. Sigh........... While we were cleaning up we found a pair of glasses that don't have lenses in them that Dad gave Hannah. And, then Hannah found the picture she painted to remember Granddad after he died. She was looking for a frame to frame the picture but the canvas is an odd size....... Then for a moment she was really quiet and after a few minutes she came to me and told me she was sad. I asked her why and she held up the picture that she had painted and pointed to it and I immediately knew what she was thinking without any more words......... The loss of my Dad, her Granddad........... is felt down to the core every day by all of us. And just when you thought you were moving forward, things like this take you backwards............ I know Dad would be so proud of all of us ........ proud of his oldest for loosing weight and "checking" her blood sugar, proud of his baby girl for school, proud of his next to oldest for all of her accomplishments and buying her "first place" and proud of his son for going to school and most of all proud of his wife for taking care of what she needs to take care of the best she knows how. We miss you Dad............... We are thankful for all of these little reminders of you.............. I like to think of the snow as Dad sending down blessings on us. Happy Spring.........

It has been two years...........

I received the following text from my sweet sister on 2-10-2010 "Been two years and one day... Still can't get over it.".

Really, I know how she feels.

I have this BIG dilemna right now. Well not really a big dilemna.

Here it the dilemna internet.....

My best friend is getting remarrried......... she asked me to stand up with her at her wedding..... something that I am honored to be asked to do and honored to do......... so, what is the problem you ask? My sweet baby girl's last day of elementary school and all of the celebrations that go with that is on the same day as this wedding.............. and her dance rehearsal for recital. My sweet daughter said "she would be fine" but then when she realized that I was going to miss the last day of school and her recital she was bummed. Oh, I forgot to mention that the wedding is also in California. Why sweet dear internet did I just not point this little fact out when it came up a LONG time ago? I just can't say no obviously to a fault. How do a lay out the priorities? Dad would say family comes first. I know he would but there would be a caveat that you should be there for your friends too. Especially the ones that have been there for you. The ones that you can pick up the phone and call no matter when the last time it was you talked to them. I want to be there to celebrate her special day. But I also want to be here. My mind thinks back to my sweet sister who made the decision to go to Califronia for a wedding that happened to also be on Dad's birthday. And, who would've known that that would be Dad's last good birthday before he died? The thought process I'm sure was there will be other birthdays........ so there will be other recitals and other lasts that I will get to participate in as the mom to my sweet baby girl. But is that a risk I'm willing to take? Do tell me internet. I've prayed about it........ I've debated about it............. I've gone to look at dresses. And, if I don't get my stuff together REALLY soon internet, I'm going to have to pay a RUSH fee for said dress for said wedding. If that is where I really decide I'm going in MAY 2010.

In addition to saying family comes first and the caveat about your friends Dad would listen to me to listen to YOU. And, while he was LISTENING to meRAMBLE on about everything he would be able to ASK you those probing questions to get to the BOTTOM of it and HELP you FIGURE it out. He was my person to talk through it with, to raise all of those questions. He would be able to know WHY I'm having such as hard time making this decision. Is it that I am scared to say NO now that I have said YES for being in the wedding. Is it MISSING out on the stuff with HANNAH. Oh, Internet, I really wish you could tell me. Now that talking with Dad is not an option it is scary to me to know that I'm going to have to figure it all out by myself. That not matter what I decide to do it will be FINE, I know that. My sweet husband tells me that everything will be fine here if I go. I've tried to bounce these thoughts and ideas off others but it is just not the same as picking up the phone and calling Dad.

I'm thankful that I have my sweet friends Dad who looks after me. He sent me this message on 2-9-2010 "I love you! Just thinking about you."

It's good to have those here, to help you when you're down......... but no matter what.... it isn't the same and I'm afraid for now I will have to agree with my sister when she says "I just can't get OVER it.".

Hope you have a good Monday and the sun shines down on you!

Thursday Thoughts

Hello out there everyone.......... how are you?



We seem to be doing "okay". "As well as can be expected." Another year has come and gone without Dad. It seems almost impossible that just almost two years ago today we were here.......

And now, our family is the same but oh so very different. We are still here, but everyone has gone their separate ways most of the time. It is a new place of fitting in and finding your place. It sucks. I'm not going to lie to you. I mean I'm trying to start 2010 half glass full, but sometimes it just isn't that easy. I miss the conversations with Dad.


Thankfully, my best friends Dad is there for me. I texted him last night after a pretty bad day to see if he was still up. I needed SOMEONE to talk to. That someone who could tell you it was okay. I was being super hard on myself. I came home and didn't hear from him. He texted me this morning to call him. So I did. And, then I got in trouble for not "picking up the phone" and calling him LAST night. Yes, I feel love and hugs again. Thankful for that.



I had an awesome dream the other night. It was summer time. We were at the lake. All of my cousins were there with their families. My Dad was there. He was coordinating and making sure we had everything we needed. We were all getting ready to go sailing. My grandmother, Nanny, and great grandmothers were there too. And then, I woke up. I remembered, yet again. Reality hits, IT was only a DREAM. He is gone. Cancer robbed him from us too early.



So, when I saw read this:



Life is short! Break the rules, forgive quickly, kiss slowly, love truly, laugh uncontrollably, & never regret anything that made you smile!



I thought it was the perfect Thursday thought to share. This is so true, especially the part about loving, laughing and forgiving....... Life is short........... we know that all too well.



Hug your kids. Forgive your mate. Call a friend. Laugh.



Good night!

Two Years Ago - October 18, 2007

October 18......... a day filled with celebration (my aunt's birthday).......... fall......... cooler weather........... but for me, it is the day that life that I knew it changed forever.

October 17, Dad was still Dad........of course, he had cancer but he could still get up and walk around. He could get in the car and come to my house. He could get up and hug me good bye. And, I will never forget exactly where I was on October 18 in 2007 . I was sitting in at my desk at my office working. Mom called me to say they were at the emergency room. And, me, being naive, thought..... it will be fine.......... I remember trying to rationalize that things good get better. Looking back though there were so many things that happened in the hospital that should have been clues that things were not "going" to get better at all............. Like which room we received at 6 Roberts or the location of where they put my dad. Yep, next to all "those" patients... not the ones that are "coming home". There was radiation for pallative reasons. But with all of that I still remember that no matter what my Dad had hope. Regardless of what he probably knew was coming he still did not give up that "we can do this attitude". After being released from the hospital he still wanted to see if they would do more radiaion.... I am trying to remember to live each day with that "can do" attitude. It is just harder some days that others....

I hate that my family had to endure this process but I am thankful for the many blessings that came out of this for me. Leaning on my sisters, family that was there for us and of course the many, many late nights of being up with my Dad. Taking care of him was one of the hardest things I've every done. But I would not change what we had to do for anything.

There is not a moment that goes by that I don't miss him.... And, I can always think of a reason why I could call him...... he was always there just to listen to what I needed to say and to never judge what I was thinking...... don't get me wrong, he had is opinions but he wanted your decision to be YOURS................ I know at my AGE I should be a GROWN UP and able to not go runnning to my dad but there is nothing like the comfort of your daddy's arms no matter how old you are.............. all of you girls out there know what I'm talking about...... Sometimes, you JUST need your DAD... and when he isn't here there is no amount of substitutes for him!!

So, as we enter into a new season of holidays and Thanksgiving, I am going to try and remember my blessings and be thankful for the extra time we had with Dad........... I will try hard to put a smile on my face and not fall into a deep slump that I can't get out off...... I will remember to put one foot in front of the other and that life goes on............. I will remember that I have a WONDEFUL HUSBAND and KIDS that NEED me. '

One would think that as time goes on this process would get easier; however, it just seems like it doesn't - there are just new challenges to face.
Hug you loved ones.... tell them how you feel and remember this Thanksgiving to count your blessing...........

Stephanie

That's all I know about that, Part II

Everytime I hear some one end a conversation with "that's all I know about that", my mind floods back to MANY conversations with Dad about many things. He would always end his conversations with you with a sign off "That's all I know about that". Makes me miss him and feel his presence when I hear someone say that. It is funny how such a simple thing can make you happy and sad all at the same time. There is a lot of that lately. It has been over a year since Dad went to Heaven. We are all working through things and healing the best we know how too. Some Baileys are starting new chapters in their lives. It is a different time. It is hard. Every smell and sound and thing at that place reminds me something about Dad. LIke this past weekend, I had a low blood sugar and Mom decided to check her sugar. And, when she did she brought out a ziploc baggie with glass cleaner stuff. And, everytime, I clean my classes that reminds me of Dad too. It is good to know that he is in everything that I do but sometimes, I wish I could get through a day of him not being so into everything because that just makes me miss him more. Happy Mothers Day to all of you Moms out there. Love your family and let the little things go. You never know what life my have in store for you tomorrow.

The Great Organization

Well, things have been busy around the Bailey house these past few days. Some of us started part time jobs. Jill, Mark, Lauren, Tyler, Kevin and I worked this past Sunday of finally going through all of the stuff that we removed from the storage buildings plus all of the stuff that had been added to the stuff outisde on the back patio. Lauren and Tyler made two trips to the dump to get ride of trash. They rocked. I know Dad would be so proud of us. Tyler and Lauren were on Spring Break this week so they visited with Mom and took her out to eat. There is now more Maggie May doggie at Bailey central. She is now a resident of the state where L lives. I know Lue is excited to have Maggie May with her. Jill is back home from helping. Must go, lots to do. Have to go through paperwork here and make lists of stuff to do tomorrow. The lists, they will never leave us alone.