Cleaning the Closet(s) Part 2

It is now 1:17 in the morning at the Bailey house.

Matt, Mom and all the animals are sound asleep. Me, not so much. I don't really know why because I am really exhausted both emotionally and physically. I think the reason I have such a hard time winding down is that in the Bailey house for such a long time sleep was not something you did. You took care of Dad and you looked after each other and you tried to take care of the rest of the things in your life. In my mind, when I am here, I should be doing so much more. It seems so wrong that Dad is not here to look after anymore. It seems we have so much free time on our hands. It isn't that we don't have stuff that we could do to fill the time it just seems so quiet and that is going to take a lot of getting used to. While I would not want Dad to suffer any more what I wouldn't give for one more day or conversation or dictation for one of the daily to do lists.

We are deep into reviewing and cleaning out and getting ready for a yard sale (hopefully soon). Here is just a few things we did today:

1. Matt and I loaded up lots of trash and took it to the recycle center. No more old TV entertainment center, chairs and all that trash outside by the trash cans. That looks nice.
2. Mom cleaned up the living room by mopping and dusting and mopping and dusting.
3. Maggie helped by bringing us lots of toys to play with. Seriously she things she is helping us out.
4. Matt and I boxed up some paperback books for the yard sale.
5. I finally figured out a way to go through Dad's closet. Matt was in there with me and we went through every item in the closet and saw if first it might be something that Matt could wear. We did find a few Polo's in Matt's size. There were also a few Ralph Lauren Polo's that Matt couldn't wear but I know a handsome 40 something year old that might could. And as we went through each item of clothing, we moved the items that did not fall into those categories to the bottom shelf. As I moved the items to the bottom shelf, it seemed like for every thing that I found or moved I could say "I remember when Dad wore................" Memories, always the memories.
6. I boxed up the Dad's shoes and the sweaters. I found a baseball cap, navy with Captain embroidered on it. I hung that up in the closet.
7. I took pictures of the closet in the phases of doing so it helped me to know that I will have those memories of the way things were. Taking that apart like I said in the previous post seemed wrong. I found a lot of interesting things. I'll post the pictures when I figure out how to get them off my cell phone. Probably will be sometime in 2009.
8. Matt transferred all of Dad's ties to his closet. I'm really hopeful that one day soon my sweet brother Matt will have lots of use for those ties in the way of a job interview or job of some sorts.
9. Mom and I went to see the movie Mamma Mia! It was a really good, funny, movie.
10. Mom and I came back to the house. I ate some leftover CiCi's pizza that Matt got. Matt not too happy that his sister ate his leftovers.
11. Mom organized the paperwork regarding the air conditioner and we listened to the Mama Mia soundtrack. I went through two baskets of paperwork. You know after loosing someone you realize that there are several little things that that person takes care of that you don't really realize until after they are gone. Little things or big things like household repairs and keeping up with all of that and knowing who to call. I'm thankful for our friend Randy. He is coming to look at the a/c on Tuesday.

And after all of this, Mom was ready for sleep but my mind was moving way too much so we went back into her room and worked a little more in there. It is taking shape. There is still though so much to go through and decide what to do.......... dressers, drawers in the bathroom, medical drawers from when we cared for him at home............... But I am excited about the progress we made today. Huge hugs to all of you. Thanks for continuing to love us and pray for us and hold us close. We need you...........

How to clean out a closet, Part I

Hello again. Hayden and I are at Casa Bailey tonight. Hannah is sleeping over a friend's house. Kevin is home alone, kind of like the movie. Tomorrow is his birthday so his gift is some peace and quiet. He texted me when he got home from work and told me the house was really quiet. I can relate. It is quiet here too in a really different kind of way.

I decided to come over to the Bailey house after a conversation that went something like this with Mom.

M - I've been making lists and there is lots to do.... closets to clean out
S - Hayden and I can come over Friday night, I'll help you.....

Easier. said. than. done. Seriously...........

When Hayden and I arrived Mom had just finished washing her car. When we went inside, Mom said "Come take a look at the closet, see what you think" Okay, we weren't talking about Mom's closet. Yep, Dad's closet. I, of course, I wanted to work in the kitchen, my safe zone. Memories there, meal preparatoins, making snacks, having coffee, and making food for Dad in the kitchen that NEVER closed. In the kitchen, there are not as many memories of the end of his life and the fact that he is no longer here. The bedroom, those memories are everywhere.

Mom gave the doggies a bath and then took a shower herself. I just stood there staring at the closet. Where do you start? How do you start? What to do? I just seems so wrong to take everything of the closet and sort through it all but yet I know that it something that will need to be done at some point. No rushes here. I keep thinking Dad should be here to wear the clothes....... jeans, khaki pants, shoes, polos, shirts, ties, windbreakers......... and more. I feel like that we should all be back here to do this together, me and my sisters and Mom and Matt. To me, that just seems like it would be better to have us all here together.

So, I headed back to the kitchen (my safe zone. I can fix stuff in the kitchen and wash dishes and it is all better). Matt joined me (against his will, well not really). We got the kitchen picked up. Then there was a game of chess with Hayden and Matt and the kitchen finally was done.

Then, I decided to go through papers and misc. stuff in the bedroom. Not of course the reason I was invited over. I think Mom summed it up when she said "this is going to be sad". So so true.

As I worked I ran across many things that made the grief fall over me and stop me in my tracks. I just wanted to curl up and go to sleep. Here are some of the things I found:

• Receipt for Emergency Room Copay for 10/18/07 - our personal D Day.
• Nurses notes from the day Dad came home from the hospital. Nurses notes read "patient alert x 3". So true. Dad arrived home from the hospital and was calling us on the home line from his cell to see where his grits were. Seriously, I'm not kidding about that one.
• Dad's glasses.
• Mom's sewing materials, velcro and a pair of Dad's boxers that Mom had to of been in the process of fixing for him so he could have the sense of normalcy and wear some of the things he always did. Never finished. Never will need to finish. These type of things are such a slap in the face.
• All of the extra furniture and tables and such that we moved around in that room to make things work for the 24/7 care and then some.
• The CD player that dad used to listen to music and how he would fiddle with it and wanted to do it himself and how he got frustrated sometimes when you tried to intervene.
• A letter I wrote Dad when I was in college that we found while Dad was alive as we went through all of the boxes that were in storage.
• The words "surge protectors" written in Dad's handwriting on a computer print out of some medications that Jill and Lue were researching. I started to save the writing because it makes me remember the pieces of Dad. But you would be proud of me. That was recycled.
• Stacks of to do lists and notes and several things in Dad's writing.
• Photo TV remote caddy was on his table 24/7 and housed all of the things that he needed to have. I thought many of nights that somehow that might end up broken or on the floor but alas it did not.
• Many, many magazines. Dad loved to read magazines.
• A receipt for one of Dad's doctor appointments.
• A notecard from a church in Live Oak, TX letting Dad know they were praying for him.
• Oh, and Mom's RE-9, craftily chewed by one adorable black puppy doggie. Oops!

In the corner, is the remnants of the medical supplies that we used to take care of dad, his dresser still filled with clothes, and medicnies and personal stuff in the bathroom. I guess this is like ripping off a band-aid. You know it is going to be painful but once you do it it stings and then you get through it. You do. It isn't fun at all. This process is going to be brutal.

On a positive note, Hayden is having a blast hanging out with his Uncle Matthew. He is staying up late (something I will probably regret later today, since it is 2:00 am it is already today). At last check they were watching Star Wars and giggling and having loads of fun. Hayden is good for Matt. I just wish there was a way so that we could see each other more often. Mom and I watched some TV, had some coffee, strawberries and I had some mini Vanilla Wafers (so yum, so not on my meal plan).

Everyone now is sleeping so must go do the same. The yeah for tomorrow is a hair cut/color or something for me!!! Maybe I'll be brave and post before and after pictures.

Stephanie

July 4th

Mom and Matt came over to the Lewis Day Care Fourth - not really there were just LOTS of cute adorable kids. I tried keeping extra busy this year because every little memory was about last July fourth and what we were doing at each time of the night. I missed Dad a lot this year. I know he would have been so proud of his grand kids and enjoyed every one's company. It really wasn't that the fourth was a big holiday that we normally got together for. It was just the fact that he was gone I think that bothered me most of all.

We watched the fireworks from our game room. Kevin's friend asked if he watched them last year. Kevin replied that he watched them from his car. Leo asked if his family was there. Kevin said no. He said someone had forgotten something and he took it to them. Yep, some did forget something. That would be Dad. And. medicines. ouch. You see the little things. Here is a silly picture from July 4Th. This isn't the best picture of all of us but it is one of the last ones I have of us together before the pictures we have from the Colorado trip. Memories to treasure.

Not much to report at Bailey Casa. Matt starts school this week at Devry. His classes are on Thursday so hopefully we can consolidate the trips from home to there to cut down on the gas bill. Matt applied for a job at AMC theaters. No word from them (at least that is what he tells me). However, I did leave him a message the other day and he has yet to call me back.....hmm..

Yard at Casa Bailey is done thanks to my hubby with some help from my brother. Said hubby took a good portion of this Saturday to take care of that. I love him for that. I tagged along and didn't do much. I helped Mom with put some labels on some catalogs. It seems to have no energy to do much over there. There was so much energy put towards doing and fixing and doing up until February and now it just seems wrong or empty or something. I'm not sure which one.

Thanks for checking in.

Happy Father's Day

Dear Dad,

Wishing and hoping your first Father's Day in heaven was a good one. I miss you terribly. My sisters do too. Not sure about my brother. He's a tough one to figure out. We are working on helping him though like we promised. It is just not easy.

Here we all are on Fathers Day 2007. Our last meal together at this table, well not the last if you count Thanksgiving which I don't because, well, Dad you didn't actually sit with us and eat. Anyhow, looking back at this photo it is precious to me. You are dressed and handsome and put together even though I know you really didn't feel all that great.

Fathers's Day 2007

Father's day for kevin. Traditional breakfast in bed. Yum. Newspaper, check. Gifts and cards from his kids and wife: Shorts and shirt for Hawaii and crocs. Kevin's best gift I think on Father's Day was going home after recital to chill for a few hours while Hannah, Hayden and I watched the rest of the recital. That was really all Kevin wanted for Father's Day was some peace and quiet. No answering millions of questions. Hayden wasn't really happy with giving that gift to his father but I think his Daddy enjoyed the gift. At least I'm hoping Kevin enjoyed the gift because Hayden made the recital not very much fun for me and Hannah by asking almost every third song "Can we go now?"

I tried not to miss not celebrating with you on Father's Day by keeping busy with Hannah and all that goes along with her dance recital. I remember you coming last year. You were not feeling well. I tried to push that memory to the back of my mind. I cried during the senior farewell song and dance where the student danced with her teacher. The song was about memories and love.

I still owe my father n law a present for Fathers Day. Kevin took his Dad and Mom out to eat. It just worked out that I had to take Hannah over to a volleyball/swim party and Mom and I went out to eat instead. I don't really know that I was up to celebrating in that way this year. I think it would have been too much. Don't get me wrong I do love my father n law. Most of the time (smile). .........................

Dad, keep looking over us, we are all going through a lot and it would mean a lot to feel your presence just a little bit and if you could whisper "it will be okay" a few times every now and then, that would be even better.

I hope all of the rest of you dad's out there had a wonderful father's day too!

Stephanie

Dreams

Wasn't feeling good last night. Had trouble sleeping. When I was asleep I had several dreams. The first was of getting Hannah ready to dance at festival. Couldn't find her costumes anywhere. Took her to the festival. While there we got wrapped up in the festival. Not sure if she even danced. Then one of my aunts took her home to get ready for her 2nd dance and I let her off to find her own way to the stage. Not typical of me at all. Very unsettling actually. I guess these are the things on my mind since this weekend is Hannah's dance recital. Getting organized and making sure we have EVERYTHING and nothing is missing. All the tights, make up and hair items all ready to go and lined up. You know you only generally have less than five minutes to change hair, tights and costume. We have it pretty well down to a science but you know...........

The other dream was going on vacation. Dad was there driving us to the hotel. I can't really get a feel for where we were but there were bodies of water, beautiful trees, etc. Maybe Colorado or Arkansas. Can't tell. Yes, Dad was there, securing reservations for his family. Checking out of one room and moving to another because more of his family had arrived. Matt was there too, in tow, following closely behind Dad's footsteps, never too far behind. Jill and Lauren were there too, checking out the resort dinner, ........................ then the dream switches more to a house environment with a kitchen and Arbonne. Mom was there and there were others that I did not recognize and conversation and fellowship. Not sure what to think about that except it was good to see Dad in my dreams like he was before he got sick. Picture of Dad's birthday below and this is exactly how I saw him in my dreams..............

Dad's Birthday 2006

Still not feeling good. Am off now to get my you know what to work. Sent e-mail to my boss. Hope he checks it.

Happy middle of the week to everyone.

Memories

Not much is new at the Bailey household. Jill and Mark visited Mom on Saturday and went to Texas Motor Speedway Saturday evening. Me, well I forgot they were in town until it was too late to visit them. I was glad Jill got a good visit in with Mom.

Lauren is getting settled at her new apartment. The kids and I plan on visiting her later this summer after indoor soccer season is over and my scooter comes in (kidding guys, kidding). Matt headed down to Austin for one night and is flying back to Dallas this evening. Mom was ALONE for the first time in I'm not sure how many years. Well, I guess alone is not really true, she was there with Maggie, Laddie, Buddy and Bear. But no adult conversation or anything like that.

Matt is set to start school July 9th I believe. I am still working on getting the money he should have received when he turned 21 from his accident when he fell on a playground when he was younger. It is not much but it will fill in the gaps for school and gas and some other things.

I miss my sisters terribly. I miss getting to see them on a regular basis. I miss our conversations. I miss their help in figuring out the most important thing then and that was rest, coffee and survivial. I miss the help and the friendships we had so much of while we were taking care of dad. Yes, much of it was survival but it was more the fact that you knew someone always had your back. Now, I don't feel like that too much. To my sisters: I love you very much and I am so very proud of both of you. Life just takes us in different directions. We will become stronger and better because of this. I'm just having one of those boo hoo days where I sure could use some Mark made French Press or Lue or Jill's hot chocolate. Seriously.

And I'm in a reflective mood.......... soaking in all of the lasts with my family as it was a family then. The picture below was taken on one of the many porches of the condo last year in Colorado. Family. That will never change. Look at the smiles on every one's faces....... I think Dad is even wearing my sweatshirt.

It has almost been one year since the whole family took the trip to Colorado. Mom, Dad, Matt and Lauren stayed at our house the night before the flight. Dad's last real trip that did not include hospitals. I saw many signs then that he was really sick but I guess my heart chose to ignore them. I clearly remember as Jill and Lauren planned this trip Dad saying something like "they are acting like this is going to be my last vacation" and I wonder if he really knew that it might or could be? Here is a picture of Mom and Dad at the airport right before we boarded the flight............ happy times......... memories

And the Bailey kids (well I still think of them as kids) - not the most flattering picture of my sweet brother bear but remember it was like 6:00 in the morning. And at least we had Starbucks...........

And grand kids as they boarded the flight and helped Granddad with his luggage.

It will be the good memories that gets us through the rough times. It really has to be what does.

And another night where I have become one of those moms who treats her computer like a child instead of "being a parent". Good thing my "barked orders" appear to have been obeyed. Only time and a few steps downstairs will tell. I'm heading downstairs and right to bed. My heart and head aches way too much tonight.

Stephanie

Wrong Turns

It seems our life has taken several wrong turns lately. I won't bore you guys with all of the details. It isn't even worth blogging about. It is just so true that death changes everything and trust me when I say everything. Relationships, finances, holidays, memories. All different. We are all dealing the best can be expected. I'll update you on the Bailey house more later. Mom and Matt are there. Life as we knew it is getting back on track for rest of us. Mom and Matt are there. Period.

Anyhow, back to my original story. A few weeks back I was to meet Lauren at the Studio Movie Grill off 75 in Dallas to see the movie Made of Honor. Matt was to pick Lauren up at the airport. I left work somewhat late (surprise, surprise) and headed to the movie with the awesome directions my sweet hubby gave me. I got a phone call that Matt still had not made it to the airport. He was LOST. Very lost. So, when Matt arrived 2 hours late to pick her up we had to revise our plans. Mom ended up meeting me in the parking lot of the movie theater. We decided to meet for dinner at Houston's. I split the bill with Mom. That place is expensive but the service is awesome and the food just as much. Lauren and I decided that we could catch the last showing of the movie at a different theater. It was a really, really good movie.

After leaving the movie, I take 75 and then being part of my somewhat directionally challenged family I ended up going the wrong way. I ended up going on to I-30 and figured and took the first exit to "turn" around. Well, there is no turning around when you exit 2nd street, just so you know. So, you are driving around in Fair Park. Yep, I was almost in tears. Serious tears. And then I look up and guess what guided me to out of the bad area? Yep, the blue outline of Roberts Hospital at Baylor. And so I debated on whether to park and go up and visit the night nurses and have my closure there. But instead, I sat under the bridge that we went over several times taking dad to radiation and sobbed. Serious sobs, gut wrenching. A good idea to be there by myself, not so much. Then I decided to get a drink at the McDonalds for one last closure stop. And, the line took forever. I went home and took a nice long hot bath. It was definitely the scenic route. Not the most direct. But as I realize as part of this journey there are a long of twists and turns that we do not predict in life or even want and that wrong turns, or right we have to make the best of the hand that we have been dealt.

Memorial Day

A day of remembrance............ I am thankful for those in our country who stand for us. Please continue to pray for Tyler (Lauren's sweetheart) and his unit.

This is a day to remember. Yes, a day to remember many things........... but, oh how we wish we could forget them. Forget and go back to "the way things were". Forget all of the bad things that have happened. Things and relationships are forever changed. It is a very sad turn of events. We all have to find new ways in this crazy world. Hurt and heartache seems to come at every turn and our hearts just seem to break over and over again.

Over the last few days, for some reason, I go over in my mind the last words Dad spoke to me, Superbowl Sunday, he was so not himself and he was in pain and he told me to "Get out!" (well not exactly but that is the PG 13 version of the words). And so I did........... and I went to the restroom with the doggies and sat and sat and listened to him say "Hello, hello.........." Mom came home shortly after that and he was all full of charm and niceness. He even ate some Carrot Cake. And then I left to go to the superbowl party and Mom and Dad were snoozing. And, that was the last time I really saw Dad awake....... ah, yes, the "memories"................ I know that I cannot beat myself up too much over the why didn't I but I have so many questions and no answers for things I wished I would have asked. Now, they will just be questions in my mind. Oh what I wouldn't give for one more chance to have a conversation with my Dad.

Mom and Matt and Matt's friend Patrick came over today for an early dinner of burgers and fries. Yummy burgers I might add thanks to Chef Kevin. Oh, and swimming. I kept looking up and around to see where Dad was or did they need to get home because he might not be feeling well. I kept remembering the last time we were all here together to celebrate a holiday. I kept thinking about the exact places Dad went and sat. I remember him sitting out by the pool for a bit on July 4th. I can't wrap my memory around Memorial Day last year and I'm not sure why. Were we all together at my house? Or did we not have a family gathering. hmmmmm................

Lauren is starting summer school very shortly. Jill is helping her move into her new place. The campus is quiet and most of her friends have graduated and moved on. New phases, many new beginnings. Jill is traveling bunches and bunches and bunches and bunches.

The kitties are growing up very quickly. I have new pictures to share with you guys but of course, that will have to wait for another day.

My mom is taking steps to become even more healthly and taking care of herself. I am so proud of her. More than she ever knows.

Matt is starting school in July. He has a meeting Friday with the financial aid officers at the school. Pray for that meeting to go well and for one of us to be there for him if we need to be.

I hope you all have a wonderful week.

Stephanie

A card made me sad

Today, I was looking for the anniversary card for Kevin. In my "card" drawer, was a Christmas card that I bought for Dad. I never did give it to him. Never can now. Sad. Very. Very. Very. Sad. And yet, we move on.

As time goes by you go through so many different emotions and try and find your place back in society. You feel a loss of not only your parent, but your family circle, your purpose, yourself and place in the world. You feel as though your whole world has been shattered and continue to pick up the pieces one by one.After a while, the phone stops ringing and I have realized that I not only miss my dad, I miss all the people who called to check in and ask "How is Mike". I miss everyone asking us how we are doing, I miss all the people coming over bringing meals, I miss all the time I spent caring for Dad, I miss all the drive to and from the hospital, I miss every second of the few months with Dad during his illness as well as all the times we had throughout the years. I miss being Dad's daughter here on earth.

2 Corinthians 4:16-18
"Therefore do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes on not what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."

Countdown to the new Grey's, one more day!

Not much to report, things are pretty much the same at Bailey house and beyond.

Mom is working on getting paperwork and items filed and taken care of. Last benefits and taxes and all that fun stuff. I'm just wishing I was not SO far away from Mom and Matt. That I could drop by and help Mom with stuff.

Matt, my sweet brother Matt. Dad's side kick for so long. Now he is all alone. Every day. Not sure about this one guys. Matt and I visited Devry. We are working on getting everything handled. Matt applied for financial aid. We are waiting.

Lots of Lauren's friends are busying themselves with graduation plans. I know this is a bittersweet time for my sweet sister. She should be right there with all of her friends but life had different plans. Really different.

Jill is staying busy working, working, working. I talked to her recently briefly. Got my reminder about Grey's! I cannot wait until tomorrow's episode. Addison is back. Yeah!!!! Watching Grey's reminds me of all the times taking care of Dad where we would try to get "one episode" in.

Keep us all close these next few weeks as we continue on this journey of healing and growing.

Ending with this excerpt from a song from by Greg Gilpin - "Until We Sing Again"

"My heart will go on beating though it may feel alone. My heart will still embrace all that lies ahead. I will walk this journey just as life has planned, but I've been changed completely, you're a part of who I am. I will hold these memories, I will take them all with me. Each and every moment for all time! We will sing again." from the song

And that is all I have to tell you about.

Stephanie

Sleepless Night = Photos Finally!

Hello family and friends. Yes, it is almost 2:00 am; why am I not sleeping? Good question. Is it all the excitement of the new Grey's? Maybe. My mind just won't shut down. Thinking, thinking. Hayden, Hannah and I cleaned house tonight and got a grip on all the mess while Kevin worked. Now, before you get too excited about the little guy and all his work, let me tell you he had motivation. He was earning money so he could sponsor his sister in the "Hoops for Heart" for the American Heart Association at their school. And, my sweet hubby brought me roses. I finally added pictures to the post on Dad's birthday. Check out those here. I'm still learning how to add mulitple pictures, etc. so bear with me. I'm starting to get out of the funk I've been in almost all week. I'm thankful for that. In almost every room in my house there is something that you might think was so every day that reminds me of dad. I must get to bed. Friday my kids have informed me is donut day. Update on donuts: We left in time this morning to get donuts but Mom forgot the donuts for the school principal. I guess there is always next week! Here are a few more pictures taken in early March:

The snowman Hannah and I built on Thursday March 6th; yes, you are correct in that Hayden has NO shoes on. Crazy Texas weather:



March 4th - we finally got to have some cake, the snow the night of Dad's birthday got in the way of our original celebration!



Our house, look at all the snow!

Foot prints in the snow, Daddy's and the kids, just like my Daddy always was with us.

Last night I said prayers with Hayden, I thanked God for letting me be his Mommy and for sending me such a sweet boy. We prayed for Tyler and his troops. We prayed for Aunt Lauren. We prayed for Hayden to have patience in his day the next day. I asked Hayden if there was anything we forgot to pray for and he said yes. Uncle Ross. Little kids have such wisdom.

Thankful it is Friday!

Stephanie

Empty Purses & Bags, Many Memories

Last night when I got home, I really, really "cleaned" out my car. I didn't realize there were so many bags that still contained items that would travel the journey back and forth with me to Dad's while taking care of him. I thought long ago I had already emptied all of those out. So, I brought it all in to the kitchen and while making dinner unpacked it all and found the following items for a walk down the memories of the past few months.... Here are just of a few of the items I found:

• Diabetes supplies and items for my insulin pump, you know extra supplies tucked away for those just in case situations


• Ricola cough drops, Dad used these. And then he'd get tired of them and place them on the tray............. wonder if Maggie ever got to have a cough drop?


• Receipts for purchases at Walgreen's on our many trips to purchase things to make our journey and Dad most comfortable


• Receipt for Elliot Hardware where I purchased items so the Christmas lights could go up and we not worry about any electrical issues. This was always Dad's job. Last night when I talked to my sister Lauren, we discussed Christmas 2008. There is hope and potential that Tyler might be getting to come HOME Christmas Eve. We talked about how this year our Christmas would be anything but typical. You know, I haven't really given it too much thought. But it must of weighted heavily on my mind as last night guess what I dreamed about? Christmas. Is was most definitely Christmas 2008. The surroundings were the place at the Lake where we went with Mom and Dad as kids. It was Nanny's place but Dad loved to go there. We had a tree and presents. My cousin Kim was there with her "trailer", mobile I'm guessing, she brought "their tree" for her kids to decorate. It was beautiful just as my cousin Kim is. Then the dream goes to the bedroom where Mom and Dad slept. On the bed, washed and folded and rolled in that room were clothes of Dads. And underneath there were some clothes of Lauren's. I asked her if she needed her clothes and she said not now. Also, in the dream was my cousin Travis. His little girl Ashley was, well, a toddler. We were driving............... looking for a McDonald's. And then the dream ended when Kevin woke me up to tell me that it was 7:05 am and time to start another day. I'm guessing that the real version of Christmas will be very similar. All of us not wanting to disturb the things of Dad but knowing we really must move on and start our own traditions. It is too early to start and venture out to think about what to do in that regard. Scares me. I really am not ready to "combine" the Lewis and Bailey worlds for holidays such as Thanksgiving. I am really saddened that last year I had to share Thanksgiving with the Lewis side. Well, I didn't go but my kids and hubby did. So, this year, Thanksgiving will have to be a new tradition. Maybe we'll head again to Austin to see my sister Jill. Of course, last time we did that, Dad was there too.......... I'm open for suggestions to how you guys out there who have done this have celebrated these many firsts. The picture above was taken Thanksgiving 2006 as Dad and Mom were heading home. Dad wasn't feeling all that great. Don't ask about my silly kids and their clothes choices. I think they were warm. We had gone that night for a walk in the park with my sisters.


• Emergen-C, the drink we drank to keep us well when we started to feel bad. Because we could not afford to be sick!


• Sympathy card (my first) from a friend


• Coupon for $20 off at Chico's, the store I shopped at during my "shopping" adventure after Dad died.


• Tussinex cough syrup, one of my best friends during trying to get well while taking care of Dad. You didn't want to "cough" while he was sleeping and run the risk of waking him up. Not good.


• Many, many memories from hanging with my sisters............. I learned a lot about different products and beauty stuff from them............... I miss the companionship we formed even though it wasn't under happy times. We pulled together, we were there for each other. That is not to say we aren't there for each other now. It is just, well.. different


• Candy, and a smile on my face remembering how Dad would be concerned about what I ate.


• The list requesting items for the Valentine Party from the 1st grade room moms, we all lived much in mobile fashion then. Always on the go.


• Christmas cards, receipts and other items I'd taken to Dad's to try and keep organized while over there. My mobile office, times many versions..........

And then the kicker, a note card pad, seems innocent enough right? well on the notecards were written the following things:

• Dr. Orr's office phone number 214-370-1003, where he had called me on October 19, 2007 and I had to call him back. I wanted to know more about Dad's condition. I learned pretty much that day after we had "that talk" that there was not much else that could be done to "save" Dad. I was at the Radisson in Fort Worth at a business conference. I broke down and sobbed in the lobby. Not happy memories


• Times that various parents were going to work our booth at the carnival.... this might have been from the year before but it made me think about how this past year I had to miss that time because I was visiting Dad in the hospital. I wouldn't change that for anything.


• Directions to Baylor Hospital from my house................ Pearl, right on Pearl, Left on Pacific, Pacific becomes Gaston..................... Memories of leaving the hospital many, many times late at night when Dad was first admitted and "getting" lost in the sea of tall buildings "trying to find my way home"

I guess now we are all trying to "find our way". Papa Bear, I miss you so much. I know you are watching over us. I know you are no longer suffering and for that I am thankful. I am holding fast to the memories of you and all you taught me. Doesn't mean I have to like it.

Hugs everyone,

Stephanie

Update on Tyler

Hello family.. Lauren here..
saw that Stephanie was going to update on Tyler so I figured I would make it easy on her and do it.

He is in Iraq and is doing guard duty (means he is safe!). He will be doing this for about another 2 weeks and then he will be out doing patrols (ahhh) for about a month. He will most likely be switching between these two every month. He is in good spirits which is always good. Not much more to say except to keep those thoughts and prayers coming. I know he and his parents greatly appreciate your support.

All I have for you now.
Love to you all :)

More Reflections

It was a beautiful weekend here in the area. Hope you too had a wonderful time and you spent it wisely with family and friends. A few weekend reflections................

Friday night, Mesquite all the way, a little time also in Rowlett visiting with my Aunt Shirley. I was in the area getting my hair cut. Didn't make it out with my girlfriend for dinner but did eat a burger at Burger Street. It reminded me of the Friday night before Dad died. Amy got a burger from there and shared some with me. So it was a "thing" to do. I know it is silly. I am silly. I won't deny that. I wanted to take my brother out to dinner but he had plans. Tried to get in touch with that cousin of mine but she wasn't available either. I know people have plans and last minute ones don't always work out. Instead I focused on spending time with family, my mom and aunt and supporting my aunt as she has supported us all these past few months. I entered a hospital setting for the first time since "going there" to see Dad. Taking the elevator, smelling the hosptial smells, sitting in the family room and stopping at the nurses station made me have to remind myself to breathe. I know I'm silly and not everything should relate back to dad but I'm guessing that this is part of the healing process for me at least.

Saturday Matt and I visited Devry and got him all signed up for college that starts in July. Prayers are needed that the financial aid part of this works out for the best for him. Money is not something that grows on trees in the Bailey household. Matt is working (although not sure if he knows that) on securing some summer employment so he can pay for gas to go back and forth to school and support his "I don't want to eat what is at home" habit. Silly, silly brother of mine. Prayers for Matt as he moves on in this journey and decides what he wants to do when he grows up.

Mom and Matt got to watch Hayden's baseball game Saturday night. Hayden's team won. It was a weekend of sports galore on the Lewis side of things.

Still wrapping up all of the paperwork for Dad's estate. Such a tedious process. The HIPAA laws and privacy laws due not make this process any easier.

I'm off to have lunch with my little princess. As usual I have a case of the Monday blues. Pray that I get out of this funk. I also have an update on Tyler but don't have all the details with me at this moment..........

We appreciate all of your prayers............
SBL

To my dear Aunt Pam, I miss you bunches. Are you out there? Please call me when you can. I need to hear your voice and laugh.

Reflections

It's Friday...... I'm feeling sentimental today. Reflecting on lots of things. Missing my dad more today for some reason. I think it is because I'm heading to Mesquite later today to get my hair cut. And going to Mesquite used to mean so much more, there was so much more to do. You know taking care of Dad. I plan on meeting up with a good friend of mine tonight to catch up. That will be my happy, oh, and so will a new hair-do!

Right now I'm listening to the Rascal Flats CD that my sister gave me. On the outside of the CD case she wrote "Steph, to my darling sister. Enjoy. Lue" That CD became my anthem of sorts for keeping me sane when taking care of Dad. Especially the song: Stand. However, in getting through some really tough days lately the song "I Wish" by Rascal Flats has become more special. It is really what Dad taught all of us and I feel like he is up above whispering these words to all of us. The words to the song are below. I hope you all have a wonderful weekend.

I Wish, by Rascal Flats

I hope that days come easy and moments pass slow,

and each road leads you where you want to go,

and if you're faced with a choice, and you have to choose,

I hope you choose the one that means the most to you.

and if one door opens to another door closed,

I hope you keep on walkin' till you find the window,

if it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile,

more then anything, more then anything,

My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it,

to your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,

You never need to carry more then you can hold,

and while you're out there getting where you're getting to,

I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,

Yeah, this, is my wish.

I hope you never look back, but ya never forget,

all the ones who love you, in the place you left,

I hope you always forgive, and you never regret,

and you help somebody every chance you get,

Oh, you find God's grace, in every mistake,

and you always give more then you take.

Moving on

Hello everyone. Hope you are having a wonderful Wednesday. Sharing this picture of Dad and Hayden last July 4th. Hayden was cold after swimming so he was all snuggled up with Dad. Dad wasn't feeling too good that day. However, the fact that Hayden is all snuggled up and watching TV with Granddad are happy memories. His smile is comforting to me.

Also, I wanted to let you the location of my new blog.

http://lewisfamilyhappenings.blogspot.com/

Not to worry, this site is not going anywhere, we might just not update as often. Let us hear from you!!! Rumor has it that we are working on a family reunion for the Curry side. I'm counting on my cousin Kim to help me keep the promise of all of the Bailey clan getting together at some point this summer.

Verse of the day:

Jesus said, "Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me." John 14:1

Yes, this is the shortest post for me ever.

Hugs, Steph

What Cancer Cannot Do

I found this on another site and found it to be somewhat true. Cancer does rob you of your most special family members but........

What Cancer Cannot Do

It cannot cripple love, it cannot shatter hope
It cannot corrode faith, it cannot destroy peace
It cannot kill friendship, it cannot suppress memories
It cannot silence courage, it cannot invade the soul
It cannot steal eternal life, it cannot conquer the spirit

Keep those prayers coming our way.

Tax Day!

Hello friends and family. Tax Day! Are you done with yours??? I am e-filed it this morning. Thankful for Turbo Tax. Yeah! Don't really know what all the fuss was about. It was just sitting down and making myself do it. The Bailey house also got their taxes done as well. Mom with a little help from her sweet cousin Norma sat down Sunday evening and got it all done!

Norma was in town this past weekend to visit Mom and go to the Ladies Tea at Mom's church. Jill and Lauren were in town for Mom's tea as well. It was good to see my sisters even if it was for a short time. We are all busy getting back to our old routines. Very busy I tell you!

I seem to be doing better in getting back to old routines. I am thinking about some grief counseling or support groups for the rough spots. I just need to check it out. I seem to spend a lot of time reflecting. Like when we were at the church for the tea and we walked by the fellowship hall I had to catch my breath, because you know the last time were were there was for Dad's services and we were surrounded by friends and family.

So, here is the weekend recap from Camp Bailey:

• My sweet hubby mowed the Bailey lawn and made it beautiful again this Saturday. Huge, huge thank you from me and my sisters!
• My kids got to play with the kitties and Maggie. That Maggie doggie is a mess I tell you.
• Matt visited with his friend Patrick
• Norma and I washed LOTS of dishes from the tea party, thank you Norma for your help!
• Norma and Mom had a nice dinner out at Steak N Ale with Mom's Sunday School teacher Sherry.......
• Lauren's boyfriend Tyler is now at his base in Baghdad. He will be stationed at Camp Victory located at the Baghdad Airport. His duty will be Base security and Patrolling an area southwest of his base. Thank you for all your prayers in this regard. Please continue to pray for Tyler and his team.

Hope you have a great day!

Stephanie

Does this apply to you?

From my daily calendar at work:
You know you drink too much coffee when.........

• You don't sweat, you percolate.
• You don't tan, you roast.
• You don't get mad, you get steamed.

Notes, there are three different updates for today..... And guess what else, I finally with Kevin's help uploaded all of the pictures from my memory card to the PC. So, soon I should have some additional pictures for all of you. Like many things it became too overwhelming and stopped me in my tracks because guess what there were way too many pictures of Dad on there. Good memories and sad ones all wrapped up into one. Ugh....... There are some really cute ones of Dad with the kids. Those were not included in the ones of the slide show. We didn't want all of you to see how sick he was. Trust me, that really makes you sad. I haven't decided if I might share some of those with you. It will show the love he had for his kids and his grandkids and family.

I'm off to watch Hayden's baseball game. Go Yankees, six and seven year old Yankees that is.

To end with another daily calendar saying "Well, this day was a total wast of make-up". Maybe not, but sometimes it sure feel that way. What about you?

Hugs to all of you. Especially my sweetest Aunty Pam. Forgot to tell you I talked to her the other day. She caught me up on how Dad's mom was doing. We need to get down to visit with her. I am planning soon to maybe go down one Sunday. I miss, miss, miss Dad's sisters like you wouldn't believe. It is my connection to his memory hugely.

Oh, yep, baseball game.............

Stephanie

Chaos continues

I saw Mama and Brother Bear this weekend. They came to Hannah's volleyball game. Her team did not win but played really hard. Afterwards, we went to Bennigans with my in-laws and Mom and Matt joined us as an early celebration for my birthday. Mom and Matt and I did some shopping at Big Lots. Mom is wrapping up preparations for the tea at her church hosted by the ladies group. Mom and Matt came by my house to look over some paperwork. Matt and I visited about his schooling and discussed where he'd like to go. Lots to do..........

Mom and Matt headed home and I decided to go over to Mom's to help around the house as I could. Mom had dinner Saturday night with her friend Sherri. Matt and I had a Saturday Night Clean House (mainly kitchen though). Fun. Matt might not say it was fun. It was crazy trying to keep up with the kitties and doggies. Matt's kitty seemed to like to get into everything. Open a cabinet to put something away and Bear was right there jumping into the cabinet. Ugh. Once mom got home she and I went over some more papers for Dad's estate. Craziness I tell you. Craziness. Hayden and I headed home around 11:30 that night. One might think that a seven year old would fall asleep on the way home. Not a chance of that. He talked and chattered to me the whole way home. Yep, he is my son.

There is lots more going on with the family. Please keep us close. Medical issues, hospital stays and upcoming surgeries are on the horizon. I'm not at liberty to post all of those details here just yet but I know you that are praying will be able to life us up. Please pray for this chaos to end.