Only a few hours left in 2008

The current time is 10:21 pm. We are about to eat our traditinal late evening meal before heading over to our dear friends Anna and Don to ring in 2009. I can agree with Don. He and I have had a year of loss and it is time to close the chapter on this year, to remember, and move forward day by day. Today, as I went through each hour I was reflecting as to where I was last year. This year, my sisters are in Austin to celebrate the New Year. I talked to Mom a while ago and she was just home from the store and had some really yummy food to cook up for the Bailey house. Dinner is done, must write more about the reflections of this year later.

Only Two Days Until Christmas!!!!!!

On the outside you would never know I am such an emotional mess on the inside. This was evident last night when I was saying prayers with Hayden and I prayed for us to have patience with one another and prayed for us to have understanding when our sister or brother gets on our nerves. Any of you with kids home on Christmas break can probably agree that this is a prayer that must be repeated on the hour. I prayed for God to be with us this year as we face our first Christmas without Granddad. And, then during the prayer, with the lights off and snuggled with my sweet very excited son, the tears would not stop flowing. Hayden even began to sob. I tried to correct my "sharing" of these feelings with Hayden by reminding him of all the special memories with Granddad such as how he played with him and snuggled with him but that just made matters worse. I then reminded Hayden how Granddad was silly and how he got on to those doggies and how he gave wet willies. I then could not tell if Hayden was laughing or crying harder. I told him it was okay to be sad but that we also have all of the special memories in our heart.

This year as Christmas approaches, I'm not sure what to expect. Christmas is coming and fastly approaching and will be here like tomorrow. I'm not sure what I will or won't need from my family both the ones that live in my house and those that don't. Mama Bear and Brother Bear are headed south to spend Christmas Eve with my Sister Bear. My other sister bear will be east this year (oh, and by the way we went to college graduation this past weekend, will write more on that later. Our family will be in the metroplex on Christmas Eve and morning. I've always said that I would love to just hang Christmas day and hang out with the kids, watch movies, and such. But THIS year, THIS year, I'm not so sure I will be able to do that. I think it is more for the reason WHY that that is even a choice. I'm scared I think of how I feel. I know if I'm about to fall apart the craziness of the holidays will keep me from that; however, never having done this and knowing that we all grieve differently and if you talk to one person that has lost a parent what worked for them at the holidays might not work for you. It is such an individual process. So, now I must decide what our plans will be because I promised my hubby I would let him know today. I thought about asking the kids their thoughts but then decided that that is just taking the chicken way out and not really facing my feelings. I must also too remember to be true to my feelings and my heart. Wish me luck. And, if you see me in the next few days, an extra warm hug or snuggle or gentle word would probably be greatly appreciated.

Brrrrrrrrr it is 28 degrees outside. I just want to go back to sleep where the kids and my hubby are all sound asleep since I used all my time off, off to work I go.

no sleep

HGTV has signed off for the evening........... I remember when that occurred at bailey central. That meant it was time for the movie, and yes it better be set to play on repeat.

sleep escapes me these days........... I think for a number of reasons.......... as strange as it sounds being up late, when the house is quiet and sorting through mail or going through "things" or working on the tree at our house makes me feel close to Dad. It is a connection because we all know that we were up many at nights at this hour. I know I'm exhausted both emotionally and physically. So why can't I sleep. Yes, it is 3:22 am right now........... what would we be doing? Oh, making toast or coffee or mac & cheese....... I want to go make some now.

I'm going through many changes at work and at home.............. nothing is the same.....and oh, how I want things to be the same. I think it would be different if there were just a few things that were changing but is all over the place. My little girl has entered "everything is boring world, she and I clash whenever possible it seems, huge changes at the office for me, changes here at home...................... This being said gives me opportunities to be scared out of my mind and thankful all in the same breath and maybe just a little be depressed. It makes want to run away places just to wander for hours to observe other families who seem normal on the outside. To escape. I need all of you right now especially those that I see and talk to on a more frequent basis more than you can imagine. I know that I am not here like I should be. I know that my contributions are not up to par. Hopefully, as time goes by I can be what I need to be......................

The tree at my family's house is up and all the ornaments are hung. We even have a few presents wrapped. And, did I mention that Hayden is ready to open them like RIGHT NOW. No waiting people. Bailey tree is up and decorated as well. Latest reports are that Ms. Maggie has scored one ornament. Yes, the cute Snoopy one I bought Mom this year. Yikes. Speaking of ornaments, my Hallmark ornament for this year is this one; I started to get this ornament because I liked the inscriptions which reads "Every life leaves something beautiful behind". As I was putting up the tree on the back of the box for the ornament I chose reads the following:

Shining Memories

2008 was a year filled

with hopes and dreams,

smiles and laughter

and, quite possibly,

a few tears

Like every year before it,

it will live on

through the memory

of each of its opportunities,

challenges, and celebrations

large and small

To me, this pretty much sums up 2008 so far. Laughter and smiles, yes. Tears, of course. And even through all of the challenges and opportunities that we are all facing, we will always have our memories.

I can't wait to go over and see the lights on the Bailey house. I'm proud of my Mama Bear for decorating this year. I think that there will be a flood of memories of last year when I go over there. I will be taken back to last year and remembering each and every special memory with my sisters. Sitting with Dad by myself with Matt while Jill and Mark caught a movie. Trying to keep up with it with the business of the holidays. Finally shopping for Christmas at 2:00 am at Wal-mart with Lauren but only because Dad finally allowed us both to go. And we had to take separate cars so we could come home if we needed to. Geesh....... I'm entering this holiday season with a fuzzy memory of what happened last year. I can remember the over all of what happened but it is the details I'm having trouble with. In talking with my cousin today, she said that is the mind's way of coping. Blocking, because it is painful. I think I would have to agree. Speaking of cousins and family, hopefully we will be able to have a small get together with our cousins soon. No gifts or such, just fellowship and family. To love and support one another.

A few more updates:

• Jill is busy baking and last night she sent us a text message with pictures of the roll out cookies she made. Oh, the memories of Dad wanting one of those cookies and oh, all the crumbs and the mess. And the phone calls and the heys........... I do miss my family. All of them, I'm thankful that next weekend we will be together for graduation. I will take a piece of Dad to graduation because I know he will be looking down on us and be oh, so proud.
• Yes, graduation for Lauren if fastly approaching. Rumor has it that her sweetheart is back stateside. However, for the official update on that news, you will have to wait for the e-mail update from her. Sorry..............................
• My cousin's daughter is graduating this weekend from Texas Womens' University. Time moves, I remember when she was just a baby.............. I'm hoping to be able to get to see them Friday night along with my special Aunt Pam and Uncle Tim............. I need her hugs and to hear her laughter..............
• Matt is still attending classes at Devry
• Maggie the doggie is still busy, oh, so busy
• The previously planned garage sale for the Bailey place is obviously not going to be a fall event. Maybe Spring in between basketball and soccer?

Okay, sleep is coming. I wish I had Galaxy Quest the movie to play in the background. Maybe I will put in Legally Blond and snuggle up on the couch for 3 or so hours (now it is 3:40); and well, anyway.......... remember I do love all of you and I need all of you and I am here for all of you. Please know that I am

Sweet dreams

"Family Turkays" and the Holidays

Holidays, oh, the holidays....... traditions............. I can't help but think of the holidays in these ways: before dad had cancer, when dad had cancer, the holidays when he was still able to get around, the holiday when he wasn't and the holidays now that Dad is in heaven.

I survived this year, Thanksgiving, my first of many firsts. My sisters and mom and brother were all together. My hubby's family too.

I'm going through many of the motions this year. I'm thankful that I have my kids to have expectations and anticipations of the holidays. Otherwise, I'm not so sure that I would be able to move forward so well. Every thing I touch or see or do reminds me in some way of Dad. It is both good and bad. Like last night as I was putting the candy kisses on the countdown to Christmas for my kids I remembered doing the same thing last year. My big bag of stuff I would take to Mom and Dad's and sitting on mom and dad's bed and tying the candy kisses to each day and having dad watch me closely to make sure I did not sneak any candy. Oh, the memories. And those same memories growing up, me and Jill, taking the candy off to countdown to Christmas. And Christmas morning and cinnamon rolls and orange juice. Dad in his PJs and robe. Memories, precious precious memories. Lauren and I bought Mom two Hallmark speical ormaments for her tree this year. I bought one too. It is a clear frosted ornament and it says 2008 but it is titled memories.

I talked to Mom tonight. She put up the Christmas lights outside. All by herself. I'm hoping Matt helped her but if I was a betting person I would say probably not as much as he should have. She also got out her Christmas houses and put them on top of the piano. When I talked to her tonight I think they were going to work on the tree. I think the kids and I might go over soon to check out the lights and hang out with her for a bit. It is important to me to hold her up and love on her and spend time with her. I makes me very sad to know that she is all alone in this world. That her friend, her lover, her sounding board is gone. Basically now, all she has at the Bailey house is Maggie the doggie. Maggie is good listener, she understands when you are upset. She however gets a little distracted and all she wants to do is play. I'm hoping Maggie will soon have a new place to live with her real momma, my sister Lue.

Have pictures, those to come in another post.......

One year ago today 1:30 pm

we were busy, Jill and Lue at the hospital with dad, waiting for discharge from the hospital. I was working, getting ready to leave to drive to the bailey house to make sure things were ready for dad to come home from the hospital. I was there to meet the nurse that was to be there to transition home. Her name was Ruby. I was there to meet the hospice agency
I was there when Dad called to see if I had $50 cash to tip the ambulance drivers who handled him so carefully. I did not of course have cash. So I sent matt to the store to get cash back from debit card at Albertsons. And, that did not work, so I sent him to Walgreens to buy two gift cards. And then, dad was resting comfortably as he could be and the ambulance drivers were waiting. I didn't want them to leave because I knew Dad wanted to give them something to say thanks for how good of a job they did. So, finally Matt got back with the gift cards and we gave them the gift cards to say thanks. And, then we answered the phone at the bailey house to receive a call from dad himself asking for the status of the his grits. And, as the night wore on, the bailey girls and bailey mom transitioned from daughters and wife to also medical care providers learning the ropes as we went along. Jill and Lue that night would get some much needed rest after Jill was first awakened to help figure out the morphine pump and talking on the line with the pump provider. steph would be up through the night with dad and then would leave the bailey house the next morning exhausted to come home to get ready for her daughter's birthday party. while she was at home celebrating with her daughter and her friends, Jill and Lue would get Dad up in the wheelchair and dad would spend some time in the kitchen looking around. Jill and Lue would normally not be in town for the birthday celebration but since they are they are not able to come to celebrate due the demands of all that is going on at bailey central. steph rests for a little bit and leaves to RUSH to pick up the cookie cake and arrives home to finish getting ready for the party minutes before the first guests arrive. Shower and change? Not an option, no time. And now, as we come up on the anniversary of many dates, we reflect and remember were were were last year at this time. We give thanks for the many memories, both good and bad. We are now learning how to be daugthers with just a mom and figure out those relationships and we are learning how to support mom as she figures out life without her companion. We are not liking this life but we know that we must figure out things and our way without him. It isn't easy, the holidays will be challenging times. I know personally, as I might have mentioned before, it would be fine with me to fast forward to January 1st. Hug your loved ones and let the little stuff go, because in the end, it is all just little stuff

Birthday Reflections

Reflecting, been doing a lot of that lately? You?

Like Hannah's birthday is coming up. And, I'm remembering going to the hosptial last year to celebrate with cake and Granddad giving Hannah that special necklace. She treasures that necklace. And, the day after Hannah's birthday, Granddad got to come home from the hospital. And, how the different chapter of our journey began. And how we lived for every waking moment to make sure he was comfortable. Rarely, did we check in our ourselves.

More to come on this in the next few days, but as I already promised you and myself I have to go to bed.

Angels watching over us

Got one of those calls today you don't like to get. You know the call where you see the caller ID at the office and you figure well, you can call them back but then they call again minutes later so you decide to answer. And then you go into the fear mode, the not knowing, the wishing you could snap your fingers and be right there, like NOW. No travel time. You want to just be able to give a hug and grab a Starbucks and lend a hand. You feel stupid sitting at your desk trying working. The procedures or whatever you were working on seem so trivial so not so important. Just like last fall when you were so far away from Dad and you could just get updates via phone or text.

I was talking to my sweet Hayden tonight. He is trutly my little man, the glass half full kind of guy who says to me, no there is to a way to go "she has a bike". Yes, my sweet sisters, this is your nephew. Always looking for the silver lining.

Say prayers for us tonight and hug your loved ones tighter. I truly believe that God's angels were watching closely over us and kept us all safe. Maybe one very, very special angel.

Happy Birthday Memaw

Dad's Mom's birthday (Memaw to me) was November 1st. I remember vividly this time last year. Dad was still in the hospital but he made sure we sent flowers from the place he always sent flowers. Jill took care of that for him I think. I believe that last year I was scrambling to send something too. Something different. You know a cookie bouquet or something fun. I know I sent something but I can't remember exactly what. I'm finding that I don't remember a lot about this time last year. I know we were there with Dad but the rest of the details of my life I do not remember. I know Memaw liked whatever I sent. This year, of course, without Dad to remind us we got behind and did not call or send her anything. How terrible is that? Our reminder is gone.

Memaw I'm so sorry that we did not have a gift for you on that special day. I hope you had a beautiful birthday and I know you had two precious angels looking down over you. I know that you too are adjusting to life without your precious son. The void he left in our family is huge. I know you miss him and your kids miss him.

Must go, tears flowing freely. Off to soak in a nice warm bath. Hayden tried to teach me the monkey bars tonight. Tomorrow I hope I can lift my arms above my head to get dressed. Really it isn't that bad but it could be.

Still learning how to navigate this world without my Daddy. So many things I wish I could run by him and get his input. So many, many things. One might think I could talk to friends or Kevin about these problems but no one listened quite like Dad. He had a way of just listening, not judging, just hearing you out. Gosh, how I miss that really the most especially now with so much to do and so many things to figure out.

More mac and cheese

The kids and I are at the Bailey house tonight. And, I made mac and cheese again for the kids for dinner. When might I ask will I be able to make mac and cheese without staring off into Mom and Dad's room listening for that "hey"? Hannah listed to me as I reflected. When I put her in the bathtub she too reflected. She said she remembers Granddad helping her with her bath and how he would wrap her up in a big towel afterwards and take her into the living room and she would say "look at my new dress" except the dress would be her towel. And how Granddad would blow dry her hair straight, yes, I think I have that same memory.

I am working diligently helping to get ready for a garage sale. Helping Mom sort through this and that and more this and that and more this and that. So, you get the idea. Hannah and sat down at the computer and I noticed a red tin to the right of the keyboard. So, I opened the tin and it was some chocolate covered cookies from guess when, last December. Ah, memories.

While cleaning out the Arbonne products, Mom grabbed a white binder. In it was Algebra homework, so I asked Mom if she really needed that paperwork (thinking it was back to her college days) and she said no it was Lauren's and then I noticed the dates of the coursework and realized that it was from Fall 2007, when we were all trying to keep that delicate balance of "the rest of our life (work, job, family, school)" and "taking care of dad". We soon learned that the taking care of Dad pretty much was all we could do.

In almost every single thing I touch here I feel connected to Dad. Sitting in the living room, hanging out in the den, straightening the kitchen, sending Matt to the store, giving the kids a bath, helping mom organize paperwork.........

I've heard many say they have seen something that they knew was a "sign" when people they love pass away. Today, I was at lunch at Dickey's BBQ and Hannah says "mommy" to let me know that in the background the song, Stand by Rascall Flats was playing in the background.

Must get to sleep, please tell my mind to stop and sleep for a bit.

Halloween Reflections

Hippie girl and her Aunt ???

Spiderman and ????, Halloween 2007

Evening everyone. Tomorrow is Halloween. Are your costumes ready? I have to admit that I can relate to the feeling of this mom. Her loss is much different in that she recently lost her twins; however, to some degree I think that no matter what the loss to some extent we all experience some of the same feelings. I can relate to her words from one post on one of her recent blogs: "Halloween has been a little lost on me this year. I’m sure it seems lame but every time I think of Halloween, I think about the fact that right now, at this time last year…we conceived James and Jake." I can relate, last year at this time, I was running around with Jill and Lue, talking turns at the hospital, soaking in every minute. So, last year for Halloween the kids and I and Kevin after we trick or treated in our neighborhood went up to the hospital. Lauren and Jill had wigs to make Halloween as festive as it could be considering where we were. Dad was excited to see his babies. Dad even trick or treated out of the kids candy. We took two cars so I could stay and visit after Kevin went home with the kids. As usual Jill and Lauren almost had to drag me to and put me into my car to make me leave. I didn't want to miss anything.

I'm finding that I'm having a hard time doing much of anything right now this year because I'm thinking back as to where I was last year, reflecting. That's just it. So I'm not stuck in the past, I'm just not so sure how to move forward.

Warning, pictures of Dad in the hospital follows, so if you don't want to see, don't continue reading, they are not bad.

Here is Dad, Halloween 2007, checking out the pictures that we sent to his phone (his grandbabies in their costumes, I think in this picture Lauren was making that his screen saver. I never really saw him as looking this thin then. Funny how pictures change those memories. He wasn't mad he was focusing on whatever the girl in the costume was showing him.

Other Bailey Updates

• Happy birthday to my Aunt Pam!!! I hope you had a wonderful day
• Dad's mom, my Memaw, is currently in the hospital. They are ruling out pneumonia. She should be released on Monday and after her release she is apparently going to head back to Arkansas.
• My mom is visiting a good friend of hers in Longview to celebrate her friends birthday. She left on Saturday and will be back today. Rumor has it they were going to head to Shreveport. So maybe good luck will pay off and she might win some $$$$$?
• My Baby sister #1 worked on packing up to move (fun, not so much) but in cleaning out one of her closets she found the dress she wore in my wedding and sent me a text message of her wearing it. Ah, memories.
• Baby sister #2 is headed to the DFW area next week. I'm hoping that Wednesday when she arrives Mom, me and she and my brother can meet up for dinner. I'm thinking of making something on Wednesday and having dinner here so we can visit and such. My kids love it when any of them come.

October 18, 2007

What is the importance of this date? Well, one year ago on this date, I was sitting in my cube at my office and the phone rings and it's mom as she says "We are taking Dad to the emergency room." You know with calmness and all that like it was all going to be okay. I hung up and pondered do I leave RIGHT now, what to do, what do do. I got a hold of Lauren who was driving home for fall break to visit with Mom and Dad and head then to Austin to hang with her sister Jill and ride bikes and chill. Fall break, right? Little did we all three know that day that that would be the beginning of life in Bailey land as we knew it. I mean we all knew that Dad had cancer. That more than likely it wasn't good. But October 18th really changed our lives forever. I worked and left a little early that day. Kevin picked up and took care of the kids, I'm sure they had some type of activity that day but for the life to me I cannot remember. As I look back on last fall I don't remember much of the details, just motions and important things that had to be done.

Yesterday, October 18, 2008, was the kid's fall carnival at school. Last year I did not attend because I was heading to the hosptial, trying to decide how/if to let the kids go to the hospital, what to say, what to do. Thankfully, my mother-n-law helped us out and worked the times I had volunteered to work. This year, I tried very hard yesterday not to remember back to where I was a year ago but it was hard. I'm thankful for the busy day of soccer games at 11:00 and working the carnival at 1:00 and volleyball at 3:00 to distract me from those other memories. At 7:00 last night Hannah and I left the school. I didn't feel like I did that much but yet every muscle I think I had hurt to some degree.

Last night after the University of Texas game ended, I looked at the clock. The time was 10:30 pm. I asked Kevin if he knew what I was doing last year at this time. He said yes, at the hospital. I think about that time Lauren and I were roaming the halls, visiting the Atrium for Starbucks for the first time on this part of the journey. We were looking for something for Dad to eat. And, we were waiting ever so patiently for him to be transferred to a room.

So, I wonder, if these dates on the calendar will always hold these type of memories or as time fades will those dates change their meaning? Part of me hopes so and the other part is not sure what to think.

October 9, 2008

I meant to update the site last Thursday but didn't. Last Thursday was 8 months since Dad took his last breath here on earth. Sometimes that seems like forever, like a time that has been a lifetime since I experienced it and others it seems like it was just yesterday. There are so many things I am scared I am going to forget. Like the sound of his voice or his smell. Mom gave me one of his machines (medical in nature) that we are going to try and put on craigslist or eBay. I had it in my car for over a week and finally brought it in the house last night. And, when I did I stood in the kitchen and sobbed and sobbed. The smell of Dad and the fact that he was no longer here to use it. I was overwhelmed with so many emotions.

The holidays are fastly approaching and the Baileys are all very busy taking care of thing. I'm looking forward to the holidays but I'm scared of all that will come with celebrating those many firsts. I will need to be there and happy and not sad because I know that Dad would have wanted me to be happy for my kids and my siblings. I'm hoping that how we spent Dad's last holidays will not cloud the many memories of all of the great holidays before that. I won't let it. I won't. I will try to laugh when I want to cry and remember last year Jill and Lue and Mark working diligently to figure out the way for the wheel chair to go everywhere in the house and making sure that the house was picked up and fluffed only to have to sit with Dad for 50 plus minutes to try and convince him to get in the wheelchair and come to the table with us. And to reheat the food at least three times before we ate. And I will laugh at his crazy responses to us when Mom asked him "Mike don't you want to see the new dishwasher" when he replied "Yes, it is ALL about the dishwasher" with true Mike Bailey sarcasm. I will treasure the memories that we even under the worst of circumstances we were together and we were family and we were there for each other. And that my friends is all that matters.

broken threads

just want to write to say good night to everyone. so, good night. i know that most of you are already sleeping. there are really no new things to report on the bailey front. I don't want to keep writing the same old lines over and over and over again. And that line playing on repeat would be this: I miss dad. I miss the relationships that come with dad, I miss my family and my extended family. I miss the connection that comes wtih having dad here, that common bond and thread that ties us and keeps us together. I get to talk to lots of you on a regular basis and I appreciate that you listen to me. I feel together but apart from so much right now. Like now, my grandmother has decided to take a visit and go for a bit to Arkansas. While she is there, they are getting things ready her to be safe. If Dad was here and able, I know he would be down there helping to intsall grab bars and what not. He would be a part. It makes me sad and mad that he doesn't get to do that.

Most importantly, i've been very reflective these past few days. Reading through the journals we kept while we were taking care of dad Some things bring a smile and others a tear. Thankfully we wrote and kept some of the funny things Dad said. that makes some of this remembering easier. You know, my sisters and I did not see each other like every week before Dad was sick but you know after having spent that much time together even for the reasons we were together, I miss them a lot. It was that constant support, a hug, a cup of coffee, special homemade hot chocolate or that extra push you needed to make it through the really tough times. Now, I guess, it is the really tough times for different reasons and I'm thankful my sisters are here for me. I might not always be able to communicate my thoughts in a way that it makes it easy to understand everything that is going on and I might take you down some paths that make no sense but most importantly i am thankful that you are here to listen, to give hugs and to just be there. Seriously.

Loads we carry

I filled out a survey on our hospice provider recently. One of the questions they asked was "While patient was under the care of ________ (insert provider name) did you participate in taking care of him/her?" Seriously. I laughed. Did we participate? Of course we did. 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. That is pretty much all we did. We didn't do very much else. So, the answer to the question is not just yeah, but hell yeah.

And the quote for today "It's not the load that breaks you down, it's the way you carry it." Lena Horne (1917 - ) American actress and singer

This load we are all carrying is hard but I guess there is some truth to that quote. It is how we choose to carry all of this that matters. I talked to one of Dad's fraternity brothers today. He is a dentist so I called in a favor as brother bear of this house needs some dental work. He asked me "How are you doing" and I seriously really didn't know how to answer. Was he really asking about us and all that has happened or was it just a casual question? I told him I was doing fine and things are just hard. He shared about a loss he had in his family and we shared how it changes almost everything and it makes things hard. He understood where I was coming from thankfully. He said to tell Mom hello.

And this quote "The life of man is like a game with dice; if you don't get the throw you want, you must show your skill in making the best of the throw you get." --Terence This is so true - none of us wanted to loose Dad this soon or this early or be without him now. We wanted him here to participate with us and do all the things Dad did. To call and check up on his sisters and Mom and hang out with his grandkids and worry about us and call and check on us and come home to fluff the house and worry about my mom. But my take on this quote for THIS situation is that I have to be thankful for the time I got with him and cherish every single memory and moment.

Ending with this quote: "If you wish to travel far and fast, travel light. Take off all your envies, jealousies, unforgiveness, selfishness, and fears." -- Glenn Clark These are words that I can hear that Dad might of said to me, not in those exact words but he always had words of wisdom and ideas for whatever we sharted with him. I think those words and that quote is going to be helpful at least to me on moving forward on this journey."

Good night and God Bless............
Stephanie

September 21st

Yesterday was mom and dad's anniversary. Would have been their 40th. We weren't there with mom to give her a hug or listen or be there. Jill, Lauren and I called her but I know that wasn't the same. Mom was very upset and understandbly so. This is the hard part when there are occassions that when Dad was here were significant dates that you marked on your calendar and made a special time to do something or celebrate. What do you do with those days now? How do you mark them? How do remember and not be so sad? I remember their anniversary last year. It was the same day that Kevin and the kids and I took Matt out for his birthday. Mom was making steak and some other yummy foods. Dad wasn't feeling much up to eating and I'm not even sure if they really had an anniversary celebration in the traditional sense. But none the less, they were together even under really bad circumstances. And now, not so much. I'm trying not to be sad but be happy but I think the tears are good for working through this thing called grief.

Hannah just came in and asked me to lay down with her and so I'm off to get ready for bed. Just when you need it a knock on your heart to stop the tears.........

Good night all, sleep tight,
Stephanie

Happy Birthday Brother Bear, September 18

Yes, the only brother bear of the Bailey household turned 26 years old yesterday. I can remember the day he was born. Mom and especially Dad were so excited. Jill and I were too. Happy memories.

I remember Matt's birthday last year. Kevin and the kids and I took him to Steak N Ale. Dad wasn't up to getting out. We got to listen to the North Texas Jazz band play there. After eating we ran by mom and dads to visit for a few minutes. I remember the conversation with Kevin and the kids that it would be for just a few minutes. When it comes to family it is hard for me to leave and keep those promises of staying just a short time. However, I am so very grateful that I went and we visited for who knew that there would be no more September 18ths with Dad around to share the joy.

I am very sad tonight. Very, very sad. I can't put my finger on exactly why. Oh, I think I probably know a little bit but really I just want to scream "IT IS GOING TO BE OKAY" really it is. They say that as time passes, this gets easier but I'd like for someone to tell me how that is possible. Every year, every celebration, every get together is going to be somewhat of a reminder that he is missing. So, I'm working in my mind on creating new traditions and relationships and moving forward even if it is baby steps.

I still have the post it note hanging in my cube that says "Check blood sugar and call dad". It brings a smile to my face and makes me chuckle all at the same time. But again it makes me miss him and wish for one more conversation to be able to have him call to check in.

Sweet dreams friends family and loved ones.

No more phone calls

hello everyone.............. just things to share tonight

• On Sunday, I dialed Dad's old cell number, I still have it programmed in my phone as Dad's cell. Don't really know why I called that number. I know that Dad is not going to answer. But somehow I was hoping his old voicemail would come up and I could hear his voice. Didn't happen of course. The phone just rang and rang. On Monday I was sitting at my desk at work and my cell phone vibrated. So I turned it over and it said "Dad's cell" meaning that that was the number that was calling me. My heart dropped and just for about 1/2 a second I halfway expected Dad to really be on the other end of that call. Realtily knows that is not the case. Really, I do. I guess it is time to remove that number from my cell but I just really can't make myself. I am choosing to think that that was Dad's way of checking up on me....................
• Today, a really good friend of mine called me on the way to work. She was checking in. During the call I learned that she lost her Dad earlier this month. And as the told me I cried and it was almost like loosing my Dad all over again. My heart aches for her. I know too well the things that one will be asking themselves and the things the heart will miss. She sounded super strong on the phone. I ask that you send prayers her way for peace and comfort during this time and to let the wonderful memories surround her and her family.
• Saw a shiny penny and thought of dad, silly I know.

More to come, must get some much needed sleep. Good night and God bless,

Stephanie

Seven months ago yesterday

I meant to update this yesterday but time got away from me............

September 9, 2008

seven months ago, you were here with us.................. although on this day seven months ago you had really already left us. I can't believe it has been that long and then at times it feels just yesterday ................... I just still can't believe it is has been seven months without you here to listen and give us advise or help us with something. We are showing that we are able to do pretty good but it sure isn't easy. I can still remember almost every little detail of that evening into the morning you passed into heaven. I remember conversations, me and Jill and Lauren sitting in the living room floor looking thorugh pictures and the hospice home health aide opening the door to your room and motioning for us to come quickly and as we got up she was motioning for us to come even quicker because she knew you were going. I guess in my mind I knew that you would not be here much longer that week but it all just seemed so hard to grasp and in many ways it still is. I remembering freaking out when they so casually threw away all of your medicines and how we worked to get you ready for your final earthly journey. How sad it was to see you drive down the street never to return. And afterwards, everyone gathered to eat dinner. I really wasn't ready for all of that. I wanted to stay in your room to feel close to you so I watched Legally Blonde like we did so many nights. Except there were no requests for toast or food or water or coffee. No stalling to take your medicines. No smelly stuff, you know what that was............... Just movie and silence. Our family rallied around us..................... it was as if time just stood still for ever right after you passed away and then everything went on as if you were still here.............. that is the hardest part about all of this I think is having to pick up and move on because I know we have to but it just feels wrong doing it all without you. There is so much that I can't go into here but I know you know those issues. They are the same ones that you stayed up many a nights making lists about and worrying about and making Jill, Lue, and me promise we would do our best to take care of. We are keeping those promises although they are not easy. Love you Papa Bear.............

Missing You

Dear Dad, I'm really missing you tonight. Kevin's working late. I'm worried cause I can't talk to him. I so need you to tell me that it is fine, that everything is fine. I'm listening and I can hear you whispering that in my ear. You might just need to whisper a little louder. This weekend we painted Hannah's room and we did semi-gloss over semi-gloss and when it appeared to not be working I wanted to pick up the phone and call and ask you about it. Yes, I know that even though Kevin said it would be fine, but little girls still want to ask their daddy. Missing you. Missing you. Mom went to Austin to visit with Jill. But I know you knew that already. Matt starts his second session at Devry tomorrow. But you knew that already too. In fact, Mom is still in Austin now, she was busy working on refinishing something and it got too late so she decided to spend another night. She has a doctor appointment tomorrow at 10:00 in Rockwall so hopefully she gets on the road early. Tomorrow is her birthday, her first one without you, her true love. I remember vividly her birthday last year. Do you? We went to Red Lobster and you were cold. So, we got you a jacket. I was looking through the pictures from that time this weekend and remembering everything. And, how Mom chose that place because nothing was sounding good to you and how you didn't eat much anyway. Steak N Ale, our "birthday" gathering place closed down this summer. I'm sad for the employees and the people who liked to eat there but glad that we don't have to face going there without you. What else, Lue sits for the GRE on Wednesday. Whisper good words for her. Jill is busy working on closing on buying her first place. Big changes there for her. She is excited and starting to take a look at things she might not want to move. So, we are all busy moving forward, with every step, it is so hard, knowing you are not hear to share all of our good and not so good things with. So, as we trudge on whisper down from Heavn a few more "It'll be okays" for me, I miss you so..........

Stephanie

Closure

Closure comes in many forms. For me, it has been this thing with Baylor Hospital or 6 Roberts. For some reason, every since Dad was discharged, I've wanted to back there to say thank you to the nurses and aides and hospital staff that took care of Dad and of us for that month back last fall.

I really wanted to get together with Lauren this weekend but I was madly cleaning out closets at my house and getting the kids ready for back to school. So, finally, tonight I finally met up with Lauren to catch up before she heads back to school for the fall. I told her that I'd been wanting to go up to the hospital and take some snacks to the people that took care of us, to say thanks and how about we meet at that place we sometimes ate at while Dad was in the hospital. So, she agreed and it was a go. She even stopped at Albertsons and picked up some cookies. Yeah, I love meeting up with my sisters. We met at Scalini's (double yum to those of you in the DFW area who have never eaten here.) Good food and conversation and catching up lead us to Starbucks, a very important stop in the taking care of Dad routine. This crazy self picture taken AT Starbucks....

Tonight, for me at least, it was about visiting all of those places one last time for all of the reasons that we visited them in the past, remembering silly things that were said and done and moving those memories to the side to help make room for new memories but to not ever forget what we've come through or what we've done.

Our final stop of my closure journey was 6 Roberts. Lauren drove but we parked in the same places and I insisted on walking up the ramp where the cars go just like I did all those nights when I'd come down to Baylor late at night to see Dad. I very rarely did elevators or stairs. They were too creepy to me. Dr. Orr was still at his office just like he was all those nights. So, although there were several things we did just the same there were many different things and I think in a way it was a way to nudge me in the direction of moving on and helping to close all those reasons why we had to come to Baylor in the first place.

The differences were apparent when we first got to the hospital, they are still working on construction of the inside of the lobby and you had to take a detour to get to the elevators to go up to the 6th floor. As we walked the detour we passed the patient elevators that took Dad up and down to his care and the sign for the "Emergency Room". Once we got on the floor we were greeted by the receptionist who helped me many a late night just by being there. We saw several familiar faces (Nora, the technician and Ann a nurse, and Mara the shift supervisor). They "remembered" us. It gave me an opportunity to catch up with them, to talk about Dad, to remember things we did and to tell them about Dad and how much longer he lived. And lived, he did. And on the floor of 6 Roberts were things that felt oh so familiar, the family room where we gathered and ate many meals, the lobby of the waiting room where we talked with hospice, the food room where we got lots of food and pudding for Dad, the nurses station, the coffee station, room 615, the big room where we could all feel at home with Dad and ALL of our stuff, the staff meeting room where I met with the chaplain, and SO, SO, much more. We took cookies and Starbucks coffee to them.

And, then we left, and headed downstairs to the restrooms and the over to the Atrium Market, another stop MANY nights on our journey for snacks and coffee and meals. I wanted to get some gum that I really liked from there. But guess what, they don't sell it anymore. So, instead we got some Odwalla Juice and I got a Coke to nurse that LOW blood sugar and the cokes weren't cold, as usual. And guess what else, who checked us out as we left the market? The same friendly lady, Ann who was so friendly and helpful to us the night Dad was in the emergency room and we needed some jello. And as we were leaving she said "we're open till 11:00 if you need anything else". To which I replied, "No we are LEAVING" to which she said "You are lucky, you are getting to leave." To which I thought "Are we?" because on one hand we aren't because that means that Dad is gone but on the other hand it means we are able to pick up the pieces and move on. That we are growing and healing and loving and helping each other. Thank you to my sister for being there for me and for going with me on this journey. Huge hugs to you! I must now say good night.

Flashbacks

Tonight, while making mac and cheese for my kids at the Bailey house I found myself looking up at the closed bedroom door, Mom and Dad's bedroom door and JUST for a minute I went back a few months almost like I was making mac and cheese for Dad. I even put Half n Half instead of milk because we were out of milk like we used to do for Dad (remember to give him more calories). I stood there stirring the macaroni almost like I was expecting Dad to call from the bedroom "Hey" or call me on the house or my cell phone to ask where we were. But that didn't happen and I was soon jolted back to our new reality. Oh, how I wish life had taken us down a different path. I miss him so much. Even going in the bedroom to put things away or organize things felt strange. Taking things out of Dad's dresser felt even stranger. Seriously. So, hard. Matt got Dad's XL T=shirts and such. I found some coins that I put in the box of stuff along with Dad's jewelry for all of us to go through when Jill, Lauren, Matt, Mom and I are all together. The coins and such went into the box along with the other special things I've found of Dad's. Tonight, after I showered and I'm all clean, I'm wearing one of Dad's white MEDIUM T-shirts. It makes me feel close to him. I put aside several more special T-shirts from his dresser to use to make a T-shirt quilt. Now, I just have to find someone who can make this for me.

To update some more of going through the Bailey house, we went through several boxes and baskets of paperwork. Mom went through three bags of clothes, etc. from her old dresser and we found a place either in the keep, toss or sale pile for everything. That is good. I started working on cleaning out the laundry room. The boxes of stuff for the yard sale is growing. There is just so much to do and go through.

Tonight Mom broke down a little bit. Seeing her like that was hard as I don't think I've seen her so upset since loosing dad. She is so strong on the outside. She was and is so frustrated about everything she is having to deal with now. This is so hard. Very hard. I'm not sure how to help. I will ponder as I sleep and pray on this one. Speaking of sleep, I don't understand why sleep cannot come easy for me when I am here. Why is it so hard? It is now 3:30 am. The kids are here with me too. Hannah is sound asleep on the couch and Hayden is fast asleep in Lue's room. I am about to join him. I love snuggling with my little guy when I can and he is not moving 100 miles an hour!!

Hugs, Stephanie

Cleaning the Closet(s) Part 2

It is now 1:17 in the morning at the Bailey house.

Matt, Mom and all the animals are sound asleep. Me, not so much. I don't really know why because I am really exhausted both emotionally and physically. I think the reason I have such a hard time winding down is that in the Bailey house for such a long time sleep was not something you did. You took care of Dad and you looked after each other and you tried to take care of the rest of the things in your life. In my mind, when I am here, I should be doing so much more. It seems so wrong that Dad is not here to look after anymore. It seems we have so much free time on our hands. It isn't that we don't have stuff that we could do to fill the time it just seems so quiet and that is going to take a lot of getting used to. While I would not want Dad to suffer any more what I wouldn't give for one more day or conversation or dictation for one of the daily to do lists.

We are deep into reviewing and cleaning out and getting ready for a yard sale (hopefully soon). Here is just a few things we did today:

1. Matt and I loaded up lots of trash and took it to the recycle center. No more old TV entertainment center, chairs and all that trash outside by the trash cans. That looks nice.
2. Mom cleaned up the living room by mopping and dusting and mopping and dusting.
3. Maggie helped by bringing us lots of toys to play with. Seriously she things she is helping us out.
4. Matt and I boxed up some paperback books for the yard sale.
5. I finally figured out a way to go through Dad's closet. Matt was in there with me and we went through every item in the closet and saw if first it might be something that Matt could wear. We did find a few Polo's in Matt's size. There were also a few Ralph Lauren Polo's that Matt couldn't wear but I know a handsome 40 something year old that might could. And as we went through each item of clothing, we moved the items that did not fall into those categories to the bottom shelf. As I moved the items to the bottom shelf, it seemed like for every thing that I found or moved I could say "I remember when Dad wore................" Memories, always the memories.
6. I boxed up the Dad's shoes and the sweaters. I found a baseball cap, navy with Captain embroidered on it. I hung that up in the closet.
7. I took pictures of the closet in the phases of doing so it helped me to know that I will have those memories of the way things were. Taking that apart like I said in the previous post seemed wrong. I found a lot of interesting things. I'll post the pictures when I figure out how to get them off my cell phone. Probably will be sometime in 2009.
8. Matt transferred all of Dad's ties to his closet. I'm really hopeful that one day soon my sweet brother Matt will have lots of use for those ties in the way of a job interview or job of some sorts.
9. Mom and I went to see the movie Mamma Mia! It was a really good, funny, movie.
10. Mom and I came back to the house. I ate some leftover CiCi's pizza that Matt got. Matt not too happy that his sister ate his leftovers.
11. Mom organized the paperwork regarding the air conditioner and we listened to the Mama Mia soundtrack. I went through two baskets of paperwork. You know after loosing someone you realize that there are several little things that that person takes care of that you don't really realize until after they are gone. Little things or big things like household repairs and keeping up with all of that and knowing who to call. I'm thankful for our friend Randy. He is coming to look at the a/c on Tuesday.

And after all of this, Mom was ready for sleep but my mind was moving way too much so we went back into her room and worked a little more in there. It is taking shape. There is still though so much to go through and decide what to do.......... dressers, drawers in the bathroom, medical drawers from when we cared for him at home............... But I am excited about the progress we made today. Huge hugs to all of you. Thanks for continuing to love us and pray for us and hold us close. We need you...........

How to clean out a closet, Part I

Hello again. Hayden and I are at Casa Bailey tonight. Hannah is sleeping over a friend's house. Kevin is home alone, kind of like the movie. Tomorrow is his birthday so his gift is some peace and quiet. He texted me when he got home from work and told me the house was really quiet. I can relate. It is quiet here too in a really different kind of way.

I decided to come over to the Bailey house after a conversation that went something like this with Mom.

M - I've been making lists and there is lots to do.... closets to clean out
S - Hayden and I can come over Friday night, I'll help you.....

Easier. said. than. done. Seriously...........

When Hayden and I arrived Mom had just finished washing her car. When we went inside, Mom said "Come take a look at the closet, see what you think" Okay, we weren't talking about Mom's closet. Yep, Dad's closet. I, of course, I wanted to work in the kitchen, my safe zone. Memories there, meal preparatoins, making snacks, having coffee, and making food for Dad in the kitchen that NEVER closed. In the kitchen, there are not as many memories of the end of his life and the fact that he is no longer here. The bedroom, those memories are everywhere.

Mom gave the doggies a bath and then took a shower herself. I just stood there staring at the closet. Where do you start? How do you start? What to do? I just seems so wrong to take everything of the closet and sort through it all but yet I know that it something that will need to be done at some point. No rushes here. I keep thinking Dad should be here to wear the clothes....... jeans, khaki pants, shoes, polos, shirts, ties, windbreakers......... and more. I feel like that we should all be back here to do this together, me and my sisters and Mom and Matt. To me, that just seems like it would be better to have us all here together.

So, I headed back to the kitchen (my safe zone. I can fix stuff in the kitchen and wash dishes and it is all better). Matt joined me (against his will, well not really). We got the kitchen picked up. Then there was a game of chess with Hayden and Matt and the kitchen finally was done.

Then, I decided to go through papers and misc. stuff in the bedroom. Not of course the reason I was invited over. I think Mom summed it up when she said "this is going to be sad". So so true.

As I worked I ran across many things that made the grief fall over me and stop me in my tracks. I just wanted to curl up and go to sleep. Here are some of the things I found:

• Receipt for Emergency Room Copay for 10/18/07 - our personal D Day.
• Nurses notes from the day Dad came home from the hospital. Nurses notes read "patient alert x 3". So true. Dad arrived home from the hospital and was calling us on the home line from his cell to see where his grits were. Seriously, I'm not kidding about that one.
• Dad's glasses.
• Mom's sewing materials, velcro and a pair of Dad's boxers that Mom had to of been in the process of fixing for him so he could have the sense of normalcy and wear some of the things he always did. Never finished. Never will need to finish. These type of things are such a slap in the face.
• All of the extra furniture and tables and such that we moved around in that room to make things work for the 24/7 care and then some.
• The CD player that dad used to listen to music and how he would fiddle with it and wanted to do it himself and how he got frustrated sometimes when you tried to intervene.
• A letter I wrote Dad when I was in college that we found while Dad was alive as we went through all of the boxes that were in storage.
• The words "surge protectors" written in Dad's handwriting on a computer print out of some medications that Jill and Lue were researching. I started to save the writing because it makes me remember the pieces of Dad. But you would be proud of me. That was recycled.
• Stacks of to do lists and notes and several things in Dad's writing.
• Photo TV remote caddy was on his table 24/7 and housed all of the things that he needed to have. I thought many of nights that somehow that might end up broken or on the floor but alas it did not.
• Many, many magazines. Dad loved to read magazines.
• A receipt for one of Dad's doctor appointments.
• A notecard from a church in Live Oak, TX letting Dad know they were praying for him.
• Oh, and Mom's RE-9, craftily chewed by one adorable black puppy doggie. Oops!

In the corner, is the remnants of the medical supplies that we used to take care of dad, his dresser still filled with clothes, and medicnies and personal stuff in the bathroom. I guess this is like ripping off a band-aid. You know it is going to be painful but once you do it it stings and then you get through it. You do. It isn't fun at all. This process is going to be brutal.

On a positive note, Hayden is having a blast hanging out with his Uncle Matthew. He is staying up late (something I will probably regret later today, since it is 2:00 am it is already today). At last check they were watching Star Wars and giggling and having loads of fun. Hayden is good for Matt. I just wish there was a way so that we could see each other more often. Mom and I watched some TV, had some coffee, strawberries and I had some mini Vanilla Wafers (so yum, so not on my meal plan).

Everyone now is sleeping so must go do the same. The yeah for tomorrow is a hair cut/color or something for me!!! Maybe I'll be brave and post before and after pictures.

Stephanie

July 4th

Mom and Matt came over to the Lewis Day Care Fourth - not really there were just LOTS of cute adorable kids. I tried keeping extra busy this year because every little memory was about last July fourth and what we were doing at each time of the night. I missed Dad a lot this year. I know he would have been so proud of his grand kids and enjoyed every one's company. It really wasn't that the fourth was a big holiday that we normally got together for. It was just the fact that he was gone I think that bothered me most of all.

We watched the fireworks from our game room. Kevin's friend asked if he watched them last year. Kevin replied that he watched them from his car. Leo asked if his family was there. Kevin said no. He said someone had forgotten something and he took it to them. Yep, some did forget something. That would be Dad. And. medicines. ouch. You see the little things. Here is a silly picture from July 4Th. This isn't the best picture of all of us but it is one of the last ones I have of us together before the pictures we have from the Colorado trip. Memories to treasure.

Not much to report at Bailey Casa. Matt starts school this week at Devry. His classes are on Thursday so hopefully we can consolidate the trips from home to there to cut down on the gas bill. Matt applied for a job at AMC theaters. No word from them (at least that is what he tells me). However, I did leave him a message the other day and he has yet to call me back.....hmm..

Yard at Casa Bailey is done thanks to my hubby with some help from my brother. Said hubby took a good portion of this Saturday to take care of that. I love him for that. I tagged along and didn't do much. I helped Mom with put some labels on some catalogs. It seems to have no energy to do much over there. There was so much energy put towards doing and fixing and doing up until February and now it just seems wrong or empty or something. I'm not sure which one.

Thanks for checking in.

Happy Father's Day

Dear Dad,

Wishing and hoping your first Father's Day in heaven was a good one. I miss you terribly. My sisters do too. Not sure about my brother. He's a tough one to figure out. We are working on helping him though like we promised. It is just not easy.

Here we all are on Fathers Day 2007. Our last meal together at this table, well not the last if you count Thanksgiving which I don't because, well, Dad you didn't actually sit with us and eat. Anyhow, looking back at this photo it is precious to me. You are dressed and handsome and put together even though I know you really didn't feel all that great.

Fathers's Day 2007

Father's day for kevin. Traditional breakfast in bed. Yum. Newspaper, check. Gifts and cards from his kids and wife: Shorts and shirt for Hawaii and crocs. Kevin's best gift I think on Father's Day was going home after recital to chill for a few hours while Hannah, Hayden and I watched the rest of the recital. That was really all Kevin wanted for Father's Day was some peace and quiet. No answering millions of questions. Hayden wasn't really happy with giving that gift to his father but I think his Daddy enjoyed the gift. At least I'm hoping Kevin enjoyed the gift because Hayden made the recital not very much fun for me and Hannah by asking almost every third song "Can we go now?"

I tried not to miss not celebrating with you on Father's Day by keeping busy with Hannah and all that goes along with her dance recital. I remember you coming last year. You were not feeling well. I tried to push that memory to the back of my mind. I cried during the senior farewell song and dance where the student danced with her teacher. The song was about memories and love.

I still owe my father n law a present for Fathers Day. Kevin took his Dad and Mom out to eat. It just worked out that I had to take Hannah over to a volleyball/swim party and Mom and I went out to eat instead. I don't really know that I was up to celebrating in that way this year. I think it would have been too much. Don't get me wrong I do love my father n law. Most of the time (smile). .........................

Dad, keep looking over us, we are all going through a lot and it would mean a lot to feel your presence just a little bit and if you could whisper "it will be okay" a few times every now and then, that would be even better.

I hope all of the rest of you dad's out there had a wonderful father's day too!

Stephanie

Dreams

Wasn't feeling good last night. Had trouble sleeping. When I was asleep I had several dreams. The first was of getting Hannah ready to dance at festival. Couldn't find her costumes anywhere. Took her to the festival. While there we got wrapped up in the festival. Not sure if she even danced. Then one of my aunts took her home to get ready for her 2nd dance and I let her off to find her own way to the stage. Not typical of me at all. Very unsettling actually. I guess these are the things on my mind since this weekend is Hannah's dance recital. Getting organized and making sure we have EVERYTHING and nothing is missing. All the tights, make up and hair items all ready to go and lined up. You know you only generally have less than five minutes to change hair, tights and costume. We have it pretty well down to a science but you know...........

The other dream was going on vacation. Dad was there driving us to the hotel. I can't really get a feel for where we were but there were bodies of water, beautiful trees, etc. Maybe Colorado or Arkansas. Can't tell. Yes, Dad was there, securing reservations for his family. Checking out of one room and moving to another because more of his family had arrived. Matt was there too, in tow, following closely behind Dad's footsteps, never too far behind. Jill and Lauren were there too, checking out the resort dinner, ........................ then the dream switches more to a house environment with a kitchen and Arbonne. Mom was there and there were others that I did not recognize and conversation and fellowship. Not sure what to think about that except it was good to see Dad in my dreams like he was before he got sick. Picture of Dad's birthday below and this is exactly how I saw him in my dreams..............

Dad's Birthday 2006

Still not feeling good. Am off now to get my you know what to work. Sent e-mail to my boss. Hope he checks it.

Happy middle of the week to everyone.

Memories

Not much is new at the Bailey household. Jill and Mark visited Mom on Saturday and went to Texas Motor Speedway Saturday evening. Me, well I forgot they were in town until it was too late to visit them. I was glad Jill got a good visit in with Mom.

Lauren is getting settled at her new apartment. The kids and I plan on visiting her later this summer after indoor soccer season is over and my scooter comes in (kidding guys, kidding). Matt headed down to Austin for one night and is flying back to Dallas this evening. Mom was ALONE for the first time in I'm not sure how many years. Well, I guess alone is not really true, she was there with Maggie, Laddie, Buddy and Bear. But no adult conversation or anything like that.

Matt is set to start school July 9th I believe. I am still working on getting the money he should have received when he turned 21 from his accident when he fell on a playground when he was younger. It is not much but it will fill in the gaps for school and gas and some other things.

I miss my sisters terribly. I miss getting to see them on a regular basis. I miss our conversations. I miss their help in figuring out the most important thing then and that was rest, coffee and survivial. I miss the help and the friendships we had so much of while we were taking care of dad. Yes, much of it was survival but it was more the fact that you knew someone always had your back. Now, I don't feel like that too much. To my sisters: I love you very much and I am so very proud of both of you. Life just takes us in different directions. We will become stronger and better because of this. I'm just having one of those boo hoo days where I sure could use some Mark made French Press or Lue or Jill's hot chocolate. Seriously.

And I'm in a reflective mood.......... soaking in all of the lasts with my family as it was a family then. The picture below was taken on one of the many porches of the condo last year in Colorado. Family. That will never change. Look at the smiles on every one's faces....... I think Dad is even wearing my sweatshirt.

It has almost been one year since the whole family took the trip to Colorado. Mom, Dad, Matt and Lauren stayed at our house the night before the flight. Dad's last real trip that did not include hospitals. I saw many signs then that he was really sick but I guess my heart chose to ignore them. I clearly remember as Jill and Lauren planned this trip Dad saying something like "they are acting like this is going to be my last vacation" and I wonder if he really knew that it might or could be? Here is a picture of Mom and Dad at the airport right before we boarded the flight............ happy times......... memories

And the Bailey kids (well I still think of them as kids) - not the most flattering picture of my sweet brother bear but remember it was like 6:00 in the morning. And at least we had Starbucks...........

And grand kids as they boarded the flight and helped Granddad with his luggage.

It will be the good memories that gets us through the rough times. It really has to be what does.

And another night where I have become one of those moms who treats her computer like a child instead of "being a parent". Good thing my "barked orders" appear to have been obeyed. Only time and a few steps downstairs will tell. I'm heading downstairs and right to bed. My heart and head aches way too much tonight.

Stephanie

Wrong Turns

It seems our life has taken several wrong turns lately. I won't bore you guys with all of the details. It isn't even worth blogging about. It is just so true that death changes everything and trust me when I say everything. Relationships, finances, holidays, memories. All different. We are all dealing the best can be expected. I'll update you on the Bailey house more later. Mom and Matt are there. Life as we knew it is getting back on track for rest of us. Mom and Matt are there. Period.

Anyhow, back to my original story. A few weeks back I was to meet Lauren at the Studio Movie Grill off 75 in Dallas to see the movie Made of Honor. Matt was to pick Lauren up at the airport. I left work somewhat late (surprise, surprise) and headed to the movie with the awesome directions my sweet hubby gave me. I got a phone call that Matt still had not made it to the airport. He was LOST. Very lost. So, when Matt arrived 2 hours late to pick her up we had to revise our plans. Mom ended up meeting me in the parking lot of the movie theater. We decided to meet for dinner at Houston's. I split the bill with Mom. That place is expensive but the service is awesome and the food just as much. Lauren and I decided that we could catch the last showing of the movie at a different theater. It was a really, really good movie.

After leaving the movie, I take 75 and then being part of my somewhat directionally challenged family I ended up going the wrong way. I ended up going on to I-30 and figured and took the first exit to "turn" around. Well, there is no turning around when you exit 2nd street, just so you know. So, you are driving around in Fair Park. Yep, I was almost in tears. Serious tears. And then I look up and guess what guided me to out of the bad area? Yep, the blue outline of Roberts Hospital at Baylor. And so I debated on whether to park and go up and visit the night nurses and have my closure there. But instead, I sat under the bridge that we went over several times taking dad to radiation and sobbed. Serious sobs, gut wrenching. A good idea to be there by myself, not so much. Then I decided to get a drink at the McDonalds for one last closure stop. And, the line took forever. I went home and took a nice long hot bath. It was definitely the scenic route. Not the most direct. But as I realize as part of this journey there are a long of twists and turns that we do not predict in life or even want and that wrong turns, or right we have to make the best of the hand that we have been dealt.

Memorial Day

A day of remembrance............ I am thankful for those in our country who stand for us. Please continue to pray for Tyler (Lauren's sweetheart) and his unit.

This is a day to remember. Yes, a day to remember many things........... but, oh how we wish we could forget them. Forget and go back to "the way things were". Forget all of the bad things that have happened. Things and relationships are forever changed. It is a very sad turn of events. We all have to find new ways in this crazy world. Hurt and heartache seems to come at every turn and our hearts just seem to break over and over again.

Over the last few days, for some reason, I go over in my mind the last words Dad spoke to me, Superbowl Sunday, he was so not himself and he was in pain and he told me to "Get out!" (well not exactly but that is the PG 13 version of the words). And so I did........... and I went to the restroom with the doggies and sat and sat and listened to him say "Hello, hello.........." Mom came home shortly after that and he was all full of charm and niceness. He even ate some Carrot Cake. And then I left to go to the superbowl party and Mom and Dad were snoozing. And, that was the last time I really saw Dad awake....... ah, yes, the "memories"................ I know that I cannot beat myself up too much over the why didn't I but I have so many questions and no answers for things I wished I would have asked. Now, they will just be questions in my mind. Oh what I wouldn't give for one more chance to have a conversation with my Dad.

Mom and Matt and Matt's friend Patrick came over today for an early dinner of burgers and fries. Yummy burgers I might add thanks to Chef Kevin. Oh, and swimming. I kept looking up and around to see where Dad was or did they need to get home because he might not be feeling well. I kept remembering the last time we were all here together to celebrate a holiday. I kept thinking about the exact places Dad went and sat. I remember him sitting out by the pool for a bit on July 4th. I can't wrap my memory around Memorial Day last year and I'm not sure why. Were we all together at my house? Or did we not have a family gathering. hmmmmm................

Lauren is starting summer school very shortly. Jill is helping her move into her new place. The campus is quiet and most of her friends have graduated and moved on. New phases, many new beginnings. Jill is traveling bunches and bunches and bunches and bunches.

The kitties are growing up very quickly. I have new pictures to share with you guys but of course, that will have to wait for another day.

My mom is taking steps to become even more healthly and taking care of herself. I am so proud of her. More than she ever knows.

Matt is starting school in July. He has a meeting Friday with the financial aid officers at the school. Pray for that meeting to go well and for one of us to be there for him if we need to be.

I hope you all have a wonderful week.

Stephanie

A card made me sad

Today, I was looking for the anniversary card for Kevin. In my "card" drawer, was a Christmas card that I bought for Dad. I never did give it to him. Never can now. Sad. Very. Very. Very. Sad. And yet, we move on.

As time goes by you go through so many different emotions and try and find your place back in society. You feel a loss of not only your parent, but your family circle, your purpose, yourself and place in the world. You feel as though your whole world has been shattered and continue to pick up the pieces one by one.After a while, the phone stops ringing and I have realized that I not only miss my dad, I miss all the people who called to check in and ask "How is Mike". I miss everyone asking us how we are doing, I miss all the people coming over bringing meals, I miss all the time I spent caring for Dad, I miss all the drive to and from the hospital, I miss every second of the few months with Dad during his illness as well as all the times we had throughout the years. I miss being Dad's daughter here on earth.

2 Corinthians 4:16-18
"Therefore do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes on not what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."

Countdown to the new Grey's, one more day!

Not much to report, things are pretty much the same at Bailey house and beyond.

Mom is working on getting paperwork and items filed and taken care of. Last benefits and taxes and all that fun stuff. I'm just wishing I was not SO far away from Mom and Matt. That I could drop by and help Mom with stuff.

Matt, my sweet brother Matt. Dad's side kick for so long. Now he is all alone. Every day. Not sure about this one guys. Matt and I visited Devry. We are working on getting everything handled. Matt applied for financial aid. We are waiting.

Lots of Lauren's friends are busying themselves with graduation plans. I know this is a bittersweet time for my sweet sister. She should be right there with all of her friends but life had different plans. Really different.

Jill is staying busy working, working, working. I talked to her recently briefly. Got my reminder about Grey's! I cannot wait until tomorrow's episode. Addison is back. Yeah!!!! Watching Grey's reminds me of all the times taking care of Dad where we would try to get "one episode" in.

Keep us all close these next few weeks as we continue on this journey of healing and growing.

Ending with this excerpt from a song from by Greg Gilpin - "Until We Sing Again"

"My heart will go on beating though it may feel alone. My heart will still embrace all that lies ahead. I will walk this journey just as life has planned, but I've been changed completely, you're a part of who I am. I will hold these memories, I will take them all with me. Each and every moment for all time! We will sing again." from the song

And that is all I have to tell you about.

Stephanie

Sleepless Night = Photos Finally!

Hello family and friends. Yes, it is almost 2:00 am; why am I not sleeping? Good question. Is it all the excitement of the new Grey's? Maybe. My mind just won't shut down. Thinking, thinking. Hayden, Hannah and I cleaned house tonight and got a grip on all the mess while Kevin worked. Now, before you get too excited about the little guy and all his work, let me tell you he had motivation. He was earning money so he could sponsor his sister in the "Hoops for Heart" for the American Heart Association at their school. And, my sweet hubby brought me roses. I finally added pictures to the post on Dad's birthday. Check out those here. I'm still learning how to add mulitple pictures, etc. so bear with me. I'm starting to get out of the funk I've been in almost all week. I'm thankful for that. In almost every room in my house there is something that you might think was so every day that reminds me of dad. I must get to bed. Friday my kids have informed me is donut day. Update on donuts: We left in time this morning to get donuts but Mom forgot the donuts for the school principal. I guess there is always next week! Here are a few more pictures taken in early March:

The snowman Hannah and I built on Thursday March 6th; yes, you are correct in that Hayden has NO shoes on. Crazy Texas weather:



March 4th - we finally got to have some cake, the snow the night of Dad's birthday got in the way of our original celebration!



Our house, look at all the snow!

Foot prints in the snow, Daddy's and the kids, just like my Daddy always was with us.

Last night I said prayers with Hayden, I thanked God for letting me be his Mommy and for sending me such a sweet boy. We prayed for Tyler and his troops. We prayed for Aunt Lauren. We prayed for Hayden to have patience in his day the next day. I asked Hayden if there was anything we forgot to pray for and he said yes. Uncle Ross. Little kids have such wisdom.

Thankful it is Friday!

Stephanie

Empty Purses & Bags, Many Memories

Last night when I got home, I really, really "cleaned" out my car. I didn't realize there were so many bags that still contained items that would travel the journey back and forth with me to Dad's while taking care of him. I thought long ago I had already emptied all of those out. So, I brought it all in to the kitchen and while making dinner unpacked it all and found the following items for a walk down the memories of the past few months.... Here are just of a few of the items I found:

• Diabetes supplies and items for my insulin pump, you know extra supplies tucked away for those just in case situations


• Ricola cough drops, Dad used these. And then he'd get tired of them and place them on the tray............. wonder if Maggie ever got to have a cough drop?


• Receipts for purchases at Walgreen's on our many trips to purchase things to make our journey and Dad most comfortable


• Receipt for Elliot Hardware where I purchased items so the Christmas lights could go up and we not worry about any electrical issues. This was always Dad's job. Last night when I talked to my sister Lauren, we discussed Christmas 2008. There is hope and potential that Tyler might be getting to come HOME Christmas Eve. We talked about how this year our Christmas would be anything but typical. You know, I haven't really given it too much thought. But it must of weighted heavily on my mind as last night guess what I dreamed about? Christmas. Is was most definitely Christmas 2008. The surroundings were the place at the Lake where we went with Mom and Dad as kids. It was Nanny's place but Dad loved to go there. We had a tree and presents. My cousin Kim was there with her "trailer", mobile I'm guessing, she brought "their tree" for her kids to decorate. It was beautiful just as my cousin Kim is. Then the dream goes to the bedroom where Mom and Dad slept. On the bed, washed and folded and rolled in that room were clothes of Dads. And underneath there were some clothes of Lauren's. I asked her if she needed her clothes and she said not now. Also, in the dream was my cousin Travis. His little girl Ashley was, well, a toddler. We were driving............... looking for a McDonald's. And then the dream ended when Kevin woke me up to tell me that it was 7:05 am and time to start another day. I'm guessing that the real version of Christmas will be very similar. All of us not wanting to disturb the things of Dad but knowing we really must move on and start our own traditions. It is too early to start and venture out to think about what to do in that regard. Scares me. I really am not ready to "combine" the Lewis and Bailey worlds for holidays such as Thanksgiving. I am really saddened that last year I had to share Thanksgiving with the Lewis side. Well, I didn't go but my kids and hubby did. So, this year, Thanksgiving will have to be a new tradition. Maybe we'll head again to Austin to see my sister Jill. Of course, last time we did that, Dad was there too.......... I'm open for suggestions to how you guys out there who have done this have celebrated these many firsts. The picture above was taken Thanksgiving 2006 as Dad and Mom were heading home. Dad wasn't feeling all that great. Don't ask about my silly kids and their clothes choices. I think they were warm. We had gone that night for a walk in the park with my sisters.


• Emergen-C, the drink we drank to keep us well when we started to feel bad. Because we could not afford to be sick!


• Sympathy card (my first) from a friend


• Coupon for $20 off at Chico's, the store I shopped at during my "shopping" adventure after Dad died.


• Tussinex cough syrup, one of my best friends during trying to get well while taking care of Dad. You didn't want to "cough" while he was sleeping and run the risk of waking him up. Not good.


• Many, many memories from hanging with my sisters............. I learned a lot about different products and beauty stuff from them............... I miss the companionship we formed even though it wasn't under happy times. We pulled together, we were there for each other. That is not to say we aren't there for each other now. It is just, well.. different


• Candy, and a smile on my face remembering how Dad would be concerned about what I ate.


• The list requesting items for the Valentine Party from the 1st grade room moms, we all lived much in mobile fashion then. Always on the go.


• Christmas cards, receipts and other items I'd taken to Dad's to try and keep organized while over there. My mobile office, times many versions..........

And then the kicker, a note card pad, seems innocent enough right? well on the notecards were written the following things:

• Dr. Orr's office phone number 214-370-1003, where he had called me on October 19, 2007 and I had to call him back. I wanted to know more about Dad's condition. I learned pretty much that day after we had "that talk" that there was not much else that could be done to "save" Dad. I was at the Radisson in Fort Worth at a business conference. I broke down and sobbed in the lobby. Not happy memories


• Times that various parents were going to work our booth at the carnival.... this might have been from the year before but it made me think about how this past year I had to miss that time because I was visiting Dad in the hospital. I wouldn't change that for anything.


• Directions to Baylor Hospital from my house................ Pearl, right on Pearl, Left on Pacific, Pacific becomes Gaston..................... Memories of leaving the hospital many, many times late at night when Dad was first admitted and "getting" lost in the sea of tall buildings "trying to find my way home"

I guess now we are all trying to "find our way". Papa Bear, I miss you so much. I know you are watching over us. I know you are no longer suffering and for that I am thankful. I am holding fast to the memories of you and all you taught me. Doesn't mean I have to like it.

Hugs everyone,

Stephanie