Missing You, Part II

I guess this is somewhat repetitive. I miss Dad. Especially at times like these when the weather is bad outside. I know if he was here he would be calling mom at the office and checking on her and calling her and calling her and making sure she was on her way home. It is not that I can't call and check on her, I can. It is not that I don't care. It is just that well, I get busy and I don't follow up like Dad would. You know Tuesday night the weather was bad and I didn't even fall up with her until I heard it sleeting outside. Luckily she was safe and sound at home. Yes, it is the little things that make you miss him even more.

And tonight, as I type this post, my brother is on his way to a job interview. And I am missing that Dad is not here to witness this occasion or to do all of the things I know that Dad would have done - like ask "what are you wearing?" "you're wearing that?" "do you plan on shaving?" To quiz him and do mock interviews with him. Mom and I did what we thought our part should have been. Mom ironed his shirt. Mom and I both did mock interview questions with him.

There is something crazy about these times that makes me want to talk to Dad. There are other times I long for conversation with him but these times just simply remind me even more that those conversations are to be no more. Period. And oh, how I do miss them. I think I'm even harder on myself because of the promises I made to Dad before he died. I know I cannot fill Dad's place but I can do my best to watch over his family and love them and check on them. I promised I will do my best. So, when it comes to walking someone through an interview I ask myself, did I do enough?

I think to that it is getting really close to Superbowl Sunday. This Sunday was the last time I had a conversation with Dad. Well, not a conversation, really, Dad knows what I'm talking about. Or maybe he doesn't because I think his mind was staring to slip somewhat and he was tired and frustrated. And, even though that conversation ended crazily I still know that Dad loved me. And, so, on Superbowl Sunday as we are getting ready to head to friends. I will remember that image of Superbowl of Mom and Dad resting. I will try push the "regret" friend away who keeps trying to visit me because I didn't go and give Dad a hug buy and hear his voice tell me he loved me one more time. I will instead cherish the memories that they got to get some good rest.

Good night all, say prayers tonight for brother bear................

It's a New Year

I'm having trouble believing it is 2009. It will take me some more time before I am able to write that without first making a 2008 and having to work to make it look like 2009. I cannot believe we are in a year that Dad has never lived in. That we will be doing things that he will not be a part of . That we will celebrate many firsts without him. That part is hard. It just dawned on me the other day that I'm not the only one it is hard for. You forget that the little people in your life are on this journey with you. And that they FEEL and that they get sad too. I don't know why, but you do. It was evident this past weekend when we FINALLY got down ALL of the holiday decorations and Hannah did not want to put her tree up. It was because her tree had decorations that Jill and Lauren made when Granddad was sick. I really believe that to her that was putting up the memories. I had to tell her that we will always have the memories. They will always be with us. Always.

As I move into 2009, Dad is in ever thing I pick up and touch - from the orange juice (remembering drinking oj last year to stay well to take care of him), to a movie (Galaxy Quest) to HGTV to simply making mac and cheese no matter where I am to exercising up in the loft on the eliptical remembering back Dad calling me on my cell (Fall 2007) to see when I would be heading to Mesquite. And, it is not a stop in your tracks can't move forward don't want to get out of bed sadness or anything like that, it is a part of who I am and who I have become because of this. Today I found myself a little more sad and went back to read over some of the blog entries from early 2008. I am so thankful we wrote down and kept this journal to help us to remember. I miss seeing my sisters......... having them there with me supporting me every step of the way.......... I know that they are supporting me now I just got so used to having them close. I think in missing them is missing a part of the old way, because having them together means he here with us............. I guess in wanting the three of us to be together is in a way wanting things to go back to how they were......... Life has taken us back to our paths............... that is good thing.............. I just wish it didn't make my heart hurt so much

Good night all,
Stephanie