Wake Up!

That is how we started our day. At 12:15 am, with Dad telling Mom "Shannon, get up, you need to get ready for work. You said you wanted to get their early today. What time did you want to get there?" To say the least, Mom was not amused by this. When I tried to correct Dad and clue him into the time, he held up his finger as if to ssh me. Almost like he was trying to get a rise out of Mom. Then, as I was cleaning up the room, Dad told Mom "Stephanie is going through YOUR mail." Not! Funny!

Let's see to recap our night:

• Fried eggs, over easy and toast at 12:30 am, coffee too
• little sleep one minute naps
• lots of pain medicine, almost too the point I worried I gave too much
• sleep at about 3:45 am for about 1:00 hour at the most
• Awake again at around 4:30, more coffee, but not fresh coffee, a girl has to have her limits
• Finally awake to get mom up at 6:00 ish......... he kept called and saying "GET UP, GET UP" He must have missed the part where I told him that Mom was sleeping in Lauren's room tonight. So I went and woke her up.
• I crashed around 7:30 or at least tried to. Dad says to Mom, "why can't SHE get up and HELP". To which Mom replies, "Mike she is tired" to which Dad replies, "well we got sleep" People, I really think he believes he is resting and is rested.
• Dad and Steph take a nap from 8:00 ish to almost 9:00
• Mom is supposed to be getting ready for work but falls asleep in the chair waiting to give Dad his shot.
• Dad wakes up, sleepy Stephanie tries to wake up too!
• Mom gives Dad heparin shot, doctors are worried about blood clots in Dad's legs. He has swelling. We are not sure what is the cause as it could be the cancer. Jill is researching some other medicine options for us to try and help dad's anxiety and so he won't have too many halluncenations
• Mom gets ready for work. You know it is really hard to focus on getting ready when you are pulled in so many directions
• Mom is ready to go to work. Matt has left for his doctor. Dad thinks he is going to be by himself. He does not know I am staying. He is really upset with things and mad, serious frown on his face. Mom tries to resolve his issues. I tell Mom to just go. He'll be fine.
• I leave Dad in his room by himself for a few minutes to get over whatever is bugging him. You know sort of like a time out.

The rest of the day has been pretty good. Dad and I napped today from about 11:30 to 12:30 and we:

• Had Mac and Cheese for lunch
• Matt and I had lunch
• Matt did the dishes
• Stephanie cleaned up apple butter and glass from something that fell from the fridge.
• Sorted mail (sorry mom), I tried to bring Dad magazines but he said really mean "THIS IS NOT what I asked you to bring me".
• Matt went back to Wal-mart to pick up prescriptions.
• Rested
• Dad calls Lauren and tells her that he needs her to go to Spain and fix a clock, an antique one. He tells Mom some of the same.
• Took pain meds but we have not had much liquid oxdose today. We have one pill due right now.
• Stephanie attempted to sort through all of the rest of the stuff from the storage but I did not get very far.
• Lauren is back from school
• Mom is still working

Dad is very anxious I can tell. I tried to tell him it was okay to go. That we would be okay. But that conversation did not go very well. He began to tell me that Lauren knew more about him dying and how and everything. Doubt it Dad. Today he point blank looked and me and asked me if he was dying. And seriously, how are you supposed to answer that question? I told them that eventually we are all going to die. He said what do you know that I don't know. I really think that the feels like we are keeping stuff from him. Whatever. It is SO hard to have patience during this time.

My cell just rang and Dad called me. I answered and said hello. Dad replied "how did I get you on this line?" You see we have his cell programmed for speed dial to call us. He said "oh, Matt is 5" and hung up. Oh, well.............

Gotta go!

Stephanie

Sad........

I am feeling very sad today.

I am at work wrapping up a few things.

Hannah is at home with Kevin. The school called and she is not feeling well. I am headed off to Mesquite tonight. My house is a mess. My cleaning lady is coming tomorrow. And I have yet to fill out the invitations for Hayden's birthday. Guess I better get it in gear.

Jill left this morning for Austin. I talked to her today at lunchtime and she said that Dad is seeming very disoriented. That was a far cry from the conversation I had with Dad this morning. Very alert asking about Kevin and me and "his babies". He wanted to know that they were up to. I told him last night they were reading and he asked me what they were reading. I explained the books and he knew exactly which ones I was talking about.

Jill also told me that one of Dad's legs was getting a little purple. Okay, I know things get blue, but purple? I just wish that she was more open and let me know what was going on than that. I was shocked.

So, on the way back to the office I saw I had a missed call from Dad. I called him back and he said when I finally got a hold of him I sensed what Jill was talking about. He was very sluggish. Almost like he had to fight to speak every word. He was worried about the incident the other night when he didn't recognize Pam. He thought we were not taking care of him. I tried to reassure him that it was okay to feel however he felt. There is not any right or wrong answer. I just wanted to drop everything and GO to him. I told him that he should give everything to God and God will help him. He told me he WAS doing that but I worry that he is still keeping too much on his plate. God my prayer is that you and Dad are able to work this out. I am not sure that I will have PC options when I get to the Bailey house but I promise if there is something that I feel need your prayers or you guys need to know about I will find a way to update you.

More Pain, Less Boxes, No Sleep & Fear

Good Tuesday to all of you. I talked to Dad a few times today. He called to check in on Kevin (he called Kevin "your old man" - not sure where that came from). I think that is so sweet that even in the time of being in such pain and all that he is going through, he is still Dad wanting to make sure we are all okay. Kevin of course has strep throat. I'm hoping that does not go to anyone else in our house. He also wanted to know where "that folder" was I had and where his to do list was. I'm going to have to start writing down better the words that he said. Luckily, Lauren had the list and e-mailed the original list to Jill. Lauren had typed the list on her PC.

And speaking of computers, the Bailey household is without PCs except for maybe Matthew's. Dads won't turn on............. Jill's work PC is in the shop and the study PC had some viruses on it. When it rains, it pours in that area. Please say prays for my sweet sister Jill. She has lots of stress and worry about things with her job right now. Help her know it will all be okay and she will get it done.


Thank you so much for all of your prayers and well wishes. This has got to be the hardest thing I have ever done. The words to this song Stand by Rascal Flats pretty much sum up my feeling this weekend, especially the bold words.

You feel like a candle in a hurricane

Just like a picture with a broken frame

Alone and helpless Like you've lost your fight

But you'll be alright

Chorus: Cause when push comes to shove

You taste what you're made of

You might bend, till you break

Cause its all you can take

On your knees you look up

Decide you've had enough

You get mad you get strong

Wipe your hands shake it off

Then you Stand, Then you stand

This is really true, we are all finding what we are made of. What we can do when pushed and have to. How we can survive on almost no sleep. How we can be as sweet as we can when we really don't want to be. How we can find the energy to rub legs one more time or do things we never imagined we'd be able to do a few months ago.

Dad had a pretty good weekend. Sleep comes not very often. I truly believe he has himself so worked up with fear and anxiety that it has caused him to have insomnia. Friday night he slept for a few hours. Saturday night was pretty much of the same. He took almost no naps during the weekend. Oh, unless you count the 10 minute one on Sunday afternoon. Matt and I quietly walked out of the room to go make some food for brunch and no more than 10 minutes later Dad called Matt and wanted to know where we all were.

Saturday, his sister Pam and her husband Tim came for a visit. My sweet Aunt Pam took some of the night shift so that I and Mom could get some sleep. Pam shared some very good words with Dad. I really feel like she was led by God on what to say. Dad said "I need to sleep but I am scared of the unknown." Ah, yes, the unknown. Pam reminded Dad that we are all scared of the unknown but we have to give it all to God. He will never forsake or leave us. We will always be okay. I really hope this conversation lead Dad down the road of peace and comfort. I know while listening to her talk to Dad I was trying to hold back the tears.

I stayed at Mom and Dad's until midnight Sunday night. Just hanging out with him, talking to him and helping Mom and Dad sort through years and years of paperwork. I have to say that made some serious progress. We also looked at the IKEA web site and checked out prices of furniture for Matt's room. I showed Dad a bed frame (headboard include) for around $179 and Dad said that was too much, we'll have to go somewhere else. Pretty funny.

Another thing you will find is sometimes the best thing to say is nothing at all. Like when Dad says to you "I think I've been a little to hard on your mother this week." And what you really want to say is "You think" but you don't you just LISTEN and say "really?" And then you really have to get creative when Dad says "WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THAT?". To which I can reply "Not sure Dad since I did not personally observe that situation." Seriously, keep that one tucked in your back pocket because it will work no matter who the people are. You know when one girlfriend is going off on another one of your friends about something that happens and she looks at you and asks you what YOU think you can say "I'm not sure ________ (insert name) how to comment on that because I did not personally observe that or I was not there. End of story. It has saved me and I know Jill many times when Dad has put us on the spot or gone on and on about something so small that he just needs to let go.

Sunday night a few of the moms from Hayden's class got together for dinner at 5:30. I really, really wanted to try and make it. But at 4:40 when we were in the middle of something with Dad I knew I just could not leave my mom. So, I called the mom who had organized the event to tell her I would not make it and I just started crying. Silly, I know. But seriously, this is really so hard.

Dad called me several times on Monday to ask me how to sign into his yahoo e-mail account that I helped him set up. You know stuff like passwords and all. I am so hoping he can get signed back in and write me an e-mail. I want to have his words to me so I can keep them forever. He also called to ask me if I wanted a few papers from my college days before he and mom shredded them. I told him no he could shred away.

I called and checked in with Mom last night. Dad was watching the State of the Union address. Mom said that Dad was not feeling well. Jill says that the pain is worse than she has seen it. Damn cancer. You suck...............

Must go get to sleep while I can as tomorrow night and the next I am on duty at the Bailey house and that means no sleep for me!

Hugs, Stephanie

High Anxiety, Hello Mr. Grouchy

Well as you can tell by the tittle of this post things are a little off kilter in the Bailey house this morning. Dad woke up in a pretty good mood. He had toast and coffee and more coffee. He read the paper. He feed toast to the doggies. He and Matt looked through the IKEA catalog to get some ideas for Matt's room. So, how did such a happy day get so out of balance.......

Well..............I think Dad gets annoyed (maybe not the right word) when we are buzzing around the room picking up things and trying to straighten things up and he has a little suggestion, you know maybe a comment or two about what we are doing and we keep on working trying to get to the end result of whatever we are working on, all the while acknowledging our comment in our heads, but just maybe not out loud. To which Dad replies or mumbles something under his breath like "whatever" or "don't listen to me". So frustrating people. Can I tell you that?

I just got done taking a shower and I called my Aunt Pam because it is now almost 11:00 and she was to call when she was on the way. So I found out she had called and talked to Matt. So, I went into Dad's room and told them that Pam was in Kilgore. And then Dad got very irritated with me because "That is so annoying". His words. Irritating to Pam and to him. Meaning that I called Pam and so did he. He thinks I think he is not competent to figure these things out. I told him I wanted to have a status so I COULD BE READY. Lauren came to dry Dad's hair and told him to wipe that scowl off his face. I told him that I wanted to know so I could go buy lunch and we could have that ready but I don't really think he believes me.

And, at this point I really don't care about anyone else in this house. Not literally you guys. But seriously, this is Saturday. A day for FAMILY. A day to be HOME with my kids, hanging out getting ready for basketball games and sleepovers. Not to be in the middle of grouch central and to have to tiptoe around your words and make sure you are saying the right things. Mom is in the process of sweeping and cleaning and trying to find a place for ALL of the extra things in their room that four months ago we did not have to worry about. Things like wound care supplies and pads and gloves and all that jazz. I cannot imagine the frustration of Mom's world and how much she would just like to blink her eyes and go back 2 years to life before CANCER. I would really rather be anywhere else right now than here.

Okay, I feel so much better. Seriously I just wanted to load up my stuff and GO HOME. You know this morning when I got up and coughed Dad's first reply was "GO HOME". To which I replied "GO HOME?" And he said "Yes, go outside, get in car, start it, and go home. Easy, really." He can be such a smart ass. He even wanted to call Kevin to come get me and asked me if he needed to do that. So, sweet. Maybe going home RIGHT NOW is what I should do. But then that would be leaving in a huff and that is never good.

I know Dad is just frustrated and that this is really not Dad talking. That it is the cancer and the fear and the anxiety of the situation. But it is so hard not to bite back and say something really, really ugly. You know really speak your mind.

So, I'm going to the store and get some food for lunch. I think that will make me feel better. And, Mom can continue to clean their room and Dad can hopefully get over his case of the grumpies.

Keep us in your thoughts and prayers everyone...... pray that Dad can find peace with his situation ............... his comment to me this morning was "I just want to get up and be a father and not just sit here like a lump." Oh, sweet papa, we do to.................................

Hugs,
Stephanie

Naps.. naps.. boxes...

Hebrews 13:6

So we say with confidence,

“The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid.

What can man do to me?”

Lauren here...

My second day home and still trying to get back in to the groove of things.. except I'm leaving tomorrow to get back into "serious student" mode. My brain is very confused..

Jill appreciates this much, but Dad took TWO 3 and a half hour naps today. One from 9-12:30pm and one from 6-9:30pm. And he allowed me to leave him in just Matt's care today while I took my dear sister to the airport. I am glad that Dad allowed that. Makes me feel good that he can spend time with my bubba like that and BE OK. He only called once when I was almost home just to see when I would be there.

Dad has had 4 fried eggs, 2 bowls of grits (some goes to pups) and a bowl of macaroni. Woooweee.. Happy belly. Not to mention the coffee, water, and the new juice kick that he is on.

It is good to be home and see my Papa Bear and my family. Maybe this is where I should be... I miss simplicity.

at midnight in the Bailey house you would think it is the middle of the day. Dad, Mom, and Steph are going through some boxes. Dad put on the "Oh Brother Where Art Thou" CD soundtrack... OH dear I think Mom just thought a bug or something crawled on her.. haha (false alarm)

Not much more to report today. Jill went to Austin for the weekend. Steph is here for the weekend? Pam and Tim are coming tomorrow.

I know this is about Papa Bear.. but I wanted to ask all of those who read this .. prayer is of paramount importance..
as you have Dad in your hearts and prayers I have a request for prayers..

My boyfriend, Sgt Tyler Grant is going to Iraq soon. I just ask that you keep him and his family in your prayers.

Love and cherish you all.
-la la

Stay HOME! You are Sick!

Dad called me tonight about 5:15 to check on me. You don't know how much that warms my heart when he does that. When I told him I was on my way to see him shortly. He said "YOU ARE SICK, STAY HOME!" That made me feel better but I really wanted to see him tonight. I do feel much better than I did this morning. Dad even said I sounded better. So I stayed at the office, got a few things done and am headed home to eat chili and play with my kids and take a bubble bath and GO TO BED. He told me that he has the box cleaning up all planned out. So, I told him I would rest and be over tomorrow to help him. There was really no arguing with him on that point. And my neck feels sick anyway, so he was probably right. Daddies always are............

take care everyone and keep warm.

Verse for the day........

In the LORD I put my trust. Psalm 11:1

This will have to be my verse for the day and always. I have to learn to lean on God. To trust in him. To know that with him I will be able to handle this and everything. That I will be okay. That He will hold onto me when I feel like I am falling apart.

Sleep doesn't come easy people

Hello everyone – Happy Thursday to you! Stephanie here……. Just came from my doctor for those of you who were wondering about me, she gave me some more drugs…….. Yeah!

Here are a few text updates I received from Jill over the last few days:

Tuesday January 22, 2008 11:28 pm
“Dad is sleeping, mom readin, Jill workin”

Tuesday January 22, 2008 11:43 pm
“Dad took his first nap in 7 days today. 2.5 hours” Yeah!

Jill is right Dad is not sleeping much at all lately. I can’t tell if it is he just has such high anxiety or he is afraid he might miss something or he just wants to see and do everything or he is afraid of sleep. And, today at the doctor I wonder if the cancer being in his adrenal gland is messing with his need to sleep. Who knows? But we will take whatever nap we can get.

Wednesday January 23, 2008 7:45 am
”Dad was up most of the night. Slept from 3:40 am – 4:24 am. No sleep for me. Catchin a disco nap now. Dad’s urine is really dark and solid bits. Called nurse.”

Wednesday January 23, 2008 7:47 am
“Waitin for callback (from nurse). Dad is very upset about Heath Leger. More later.”

Wednesday January 23, 2008 3:35 pm (after nurse visits Dad)
“That he is eating good. Eyes are clear which is good. And seems alert. All good for now. Nurse made suggestions on meds to aid sleep. I am so…….. (I’m guessing sleepy)”

Wednesday January 23, 2008 3:35 pm
“Dad is trying to rest……… so far unsuccessfully. Nurse was here. Changed line and bag. Some staining from bilirubin. Pulse 98. Temp 97.5. Blood Pressure 143/84”

So, guys this is so hard. As humans here on earth we want to look for signs of what is going to happen to help prepare ourselves emotionally. You know that in the end the urine becomes dark, and the body temperature cools and so on and so on. So, when you see these things begin to happen your body freaks out on the inside. But then, things change and go a little back to normal. So you catch your breath. So, for now we sit and we wait and we enjoy all of the good times and have fun when Dad calls us and checks up on everyone.

Yesterday morning at 5:30 am he called his sister Pam to check in. He kept calling and calling her cell phone. I talked to Pam and she told me she keeps her cell in her purse. Dear sweet Aunt Pam, now your brother would tell us that is simply not acceptable (smile). He called me yesterday and then said he was having problems with his cell phone and that he would call me back. I talked to him last night to tell him that Ms. Jones (his sister’s mother-n-law) passed away the night before. Dad’s speech was sort of garbled but I talked to him again this morning and he was fine. Sounded perfectly normal. You see what I mean about rallying? He said that he was the only one awake and that everyone else was sleeping. I asked if everyone else had just gone to sleep and he said no, he had been sleeping since midnight. I’ll be checking out that story.

Anyhow, I must go get to work. I am working a little more than half a day today and then going to see my Papa Bear. The DFW area is supposed to get bad weather (we shall see about that) like a thin layer of ice tonight after midnight so I really can’t afford to be stuck over there as I need to work tomorrow some.

Oops, I almost forgot a very big THANK YOU to my Aunt Shirley for going over to Mom and Dad's to hang out with Dad and Mom on Monday night so Jill could get some much needed work down. I got home at 3:00 am Monday so I was not looking forward to going over and staying that late again. Aunt Pam is coming this weekend and Lauren should be on the road home now.

I hope you all have a wonderful day. Keep us in your prayers. Hug your loved ones. Smile. Take pleasure in the beauty and wonder of earth. Forgo a grudge. Forgive an enemy. Listen. Examine your demands on others (are you listening papa bear? – smile). Apologize. Be kind, be gentle. Laugh a little. Laugh a little more. Speak your love.

I love you all very much!

Clutter be Gone! Christmas FINALLY OVER!

Well……… in case you were waiting and wondering, yes I got the computer part exchanged for Matt’s computer and Matt got his PC fully operational with Internet connections and all. Yeah! Many, many thanks to my brother in law David for coming over Friday night to make that all happen. I am very thankful that it all worked out fine.

I know you guys have been waiting for an update. There is nothing horrible going on at the present time. We’ve just all been VERY BUSY! I started to update several times over the weekend but struggled with what to write. The nurse came to see Dad Friday and said that his wound looked good but that his right lung did not sound as strong as his left. That might mean the cancer has spread. That made dad sad and he held up his hand and told the nurse that he did not want to hear anymore. I cannot imagine. I don’t know what to make of this news.

Friday night I spent the night over at Mom and Dad’s. I was up with Dad until 3:30 am and he slept until about 5:30 am. Then we had toast. Then I think Dad took a little nap, I know I did for at least an hour. Then Dad had grits and a poached egg. But, I could never get the poached egg over easy, so I think most of the eggs went to the doggies. The doggies were happy about that. Dad and I took one additional nap around 10:30, maybe another hour. And, for the rest of the day I was in a coma, almost like a walking zombie. I went to Hayden’s basketball game Saturday night, to dinner with my family and fell asleep at my house on the bed with NO sheets on it, didn’t seem to matter at 8:00 pm and slept solid until the next day. I was tired.
Saturday my sweet Aunt Shirley stopped by for a visit and brought her sweet little grandson Brennan. He was so sweet and was a little bright spot in the afternoon. So talkative and he made dad smile a few times. He is a very busy little boy.

My mom’s cousin was with us from Wednesday to this past Monday. She was an angel special sent by God that I know for sure. She cooked, washed dishes after dishes, looked after my momma, answered phones, and played with doggies. She sat with Dad and visited with him and even helped with some of his care. Leg rubbing is an important job. Dad’s legs hurt him so much. That was awesome. Norma, thank you so much for taking a huge burden off of us. It really meant a lot I know to me that you were able to leave your family and come help us in our time of need. We already miss you! At least it wasn’t all work and no play as Mom and Norma were able to go out to eat at Olive Garden Saturday evening. I know that time was much needed fun and conversation. Poor Jill was left with Dad. Matt had Patrick over to get the last few things finished with his computer. I know that that had to be exhausting!

Sunday was a day of FINALLY putting up my Christmas tree and picking up general clutter and my house and cleaning up. Sunday night I went to Dad’s old office and met my Aunt Shirley and got the items that were in Dad’s office. Very bittersweet to see my Dad’s old office no longer my dad’s. He should be there working, planning houses, coordinating things. It just made me very, very sad. And then that night, when I got to Dad’s I brought all of the boxes in the house and took them to him one by one and he went through each one of them and he threw away the trash and told me what where to put each and every thing. He had his pillow, a heating pad, blanket and several things up at the office for pain. That made me very sad too. So, we found a place for everything, I think. I still have all of the art work from his office in the back of my SUV and that will have to wait for another day.

Dad had me open the doors to his closet to see if I thought that Kevin might wear his Izod shirts. I told Dad I would ask Kevin what he thought. He just wants to make sure that his special stuff and the things he cared about are given to special people.

He had Jill take pictures of the back carport. You know all of the boxes of things that we took out of the storage building back in October? Well, people, as you might have seen we have been very busy and that stuff is STILL there. Hasn’t really been touched. And now, Dad wants to get that cleaned up too………. He had Mom help him clean out his red armoire in their room yesterday. So, now there are boxes and stuff everywhere. Clutter makes us Bailey sisters cranky, so I’m hoping we can soon find a place for all of that stuff as I know getting stuff done and cleaned and organized is important to Dad and maybe, just maybe is part of this process.

I have so much more to share with you guys but I’m thinking about taking tomorrow off to go see my sweet papa bear so right now my purpose is WORK!!

yea.. we are blessed

Greetings here from Arkadoo...

I know how my sister feels now when she is away from dad for so long. It is very very hard. I just want to be home taking care of him, SEEING him. I just need help not feeling selfish for coming back to school. I don't want to feel that way, but I feel like my leaving left a huge burden on those left to take care of the Bailey household. I know that I am here to focus and take care of school, but it is hard knowing that all is not well back home. And I'm not just 45 minutes away or 15 minutes away. I am 4 hours away and it sucks.

TO my sisters or aunt or mother or any one for that matter...
please tell me when I need to come home. My professors.. and everyone are understanding of this situation and please don't feel like its necessary for me to stay here for 5 straight days.. it is so so so so hard. I'm trying to focus and take care of work, but its hard to not think about where you should be. My heart is telling me to be home, but my head is saying take care of things.. heart troops head... I want to be home this weekend Jill to help support you. I feel like you're taking on too much and I need to help you. Help me help you!

I miss my family and I miss my Papa

I love everyone. We are blessed.
lots of prayer and hugs and kisses

-lue

Blessed......... hugs........ kisses

I am feeling so blessed tonight, and blue (more about that later). I just had a conversation with a co-worker who said her daughter would be very resentful when her husband's mom was ill and she had to pick up ALL the slack with the kids. And it made me realize HOW BLESSED I am. My husband is wonderful in all of this. Never asks questions, and no he probably does not understand all I'm thinking but that does not matter. He is here for me to pick up the slack and do whatever. And I love him for that. really love him.

And I am blessed and thankful that Norma has taken on the role today at the Bailey house of keeping it clean and picked up and doing whatever. She has already been keeping busy with dishes and laundry and dishes and laundry and visiting with Dad. I told you people there were lots of dishes........ now I have a witnesss to it all!! Hopefully my mom is on her way home to visit and have some dinner. We are blessed to be surrounded by family members who love us and want to do whatever it takes to help us. That makes me happy.

Dad called me twice today. The first time was to get an update on everything. He wanted to know about the PC. Said that that was causing a major issue because he needed his PC back. I told him that Matt was using the family PC and that his PC was on the floor in his room and so he should just ask for it back. That seemed to settle him. He wanted to know how his babies (aka grand kids were doing). He told me how much he enjoyed my message that we sent him this morning. He said it was a good way to start his day. When we get ready to hang up, Dad says "HUGS & KISSES" and I hang on every word............ hugs and kisses everyone.

I'm feeling a bit blue tonight. I am still at work and have accomplished absolutely nothing since 5:05. I know my blood sugar got very low. I don't even want to admit how many Girl Scout Lemonades I just ate. Seriously what is up with that? So, why am I still at the office. My desk looks like a tornado hit it but I don't care. Again, why didn't I finish and grade the papers for the new trainee. Don't know. Did I mention I don't care, not at all. It will be here tomorrow.

I will try and get some updates from Jill and post something tonight when I get home. I am off to Fry's to take back this PC part. Wish me luck as I'm going out of my element big time.

At least I know I am blessed,
Stephanie

Killing me...........

to not be able to see my Papa Bear since what Sunday? Yes, that is so true. I am working, yes again, the necessary evils of life. Jill there with him, as is Mom and Matt. Dad is so well taken care of but I hate it that I am here and he is there. I want to run and go see him but for me that means a 45 minute trip one way. So, here are my latest text updates from Jill:

Yesterday 10:13 am:
"Hi. Getting dressed. Hospice agency here a bit ago. Washed dad's hair and changed shirt."

I talked to Dad yesterday a few times. He called me to tell me that the Hoods (Norma) was on the way. I am excited that Mom will have a companion and that there will be extra hands there to do whatever needs to be done.

This morning on the way to school I had the kids voice record a message on my cell phone "Good morning. Have a great day"

Text update from Jill today at 10:32 am
"Your message made dad laugh and smile. Said it was a good way to start the day."

Yeah, I am glad for that.

I have a call into my doctor to kill off my green goo monster that has been in my body for way, way too long. Hopefully, she will be able to call in some good stuff to make it go away. I'm training a new employee today so that I can really not be away too much.

Hannah and Hayden are doing well. Monday is a school holiday and I asked her if she wanted to go to Grandma and Papa's. Something normally they get really excited about and she told me that she just wanted to see me because she never really gets too. I told her that I could see what I could do. Ouch! This is really hard.

The Bailey Prayer request for Thursday: Prayer warriors - here your go:

• Steph to feel better
• Jill to be able to get lots of work done today, no not the take care of Dad work but you know the kid that pays the bills.......
• Lauren to get lots of school work done today and have the awesome focus that only God can provide. Go sister!
• Matt to help where he can when he can and to be sweet and loving and sweet and to rub Dad's feet when they need to be rubbed.
• Dad to be comfortable today and work on his list and find peace. I am way behind on my "to do's" from Dad's list. I need to get working on those. Geez, whatever!
• Mom to have a great day and find peace too. We all need peace.
• The courage to tell Dad it is okay to go when he is ready. I am really struggling with that one. I am SO not ready to say it is okay. I am do not want him to go on. I am scared that I will so fall apart.

Man, okay, that was a very long list of things to ask God for. So, you guys better log off of blog world. Get praying!

Hugs and lots of love. I love you guys!
Stephanie

An update from Tuesday

Stephanie here…………

Text update I received from Jill yesterday at 11:26 am on 1/15/08:

"Dad slept from 12-2.Woke up coughing his head off. Back to sleep at 2:30 and wide awake at 3:00. Awake til 5:15. Had mac and cheese and almond steamer. Slept til 8:50."

I am stressing though that Dad got the cough from me. I promise I washed my hands a million gillion times when I was over there last. I am still feeling very under the weather. This cough will not go away. Still green goo. I need to call my doctor.

I talked to Dad several times yesterday. At one point he was eating mac and cheese and fish sticks. Yeah, more protein!! And then another time, he was having grits. Everytime I talked to him he said he was sleepy and was going to try and take a nap. Sometimes it is very easy to understand him on the phone other times the words seems so garbled.

Last night, Jill and Matt got to go to a musical on some tickets Matt won. Shirley and Mom hung out with Dad. Talked to Mom last night and she sounded good and relaxed. I know it helps when you have the companionship of your sister.

No reports from Camp Bailey this morning. I am at work today. Please pray that I am able to focus on my responsibilities here. I am feeling at the end of my rope emotionally. It was a very interesting night at Camp Lewis last night. I’ll update on that later.

Help is on the way people............

I wish that I had something different to report, but things seem to basically be the same. We continue to pray for the lessening of the pain and peace for Dad. His strong will to live and take care of his family is what keeps us all going. We know that all of this is part of God's plan. We don't understand it, and frankly we don't like it, but we remain strong in our faith.

That is so true, we don't understand it. And that is why it is so important for the help we can get on earth, you know the push your sleeves up and scrub dishes kind of help. And, it is my understanding that that type of help is coming directly from San Antonio on Wednesday. She will be here to do dishes, sweep the floors, wash clothes, fold laundry, pet and play with the doggies, answer the phone and take messages and listen for folks to knock on the door. She will also be able to visit with and pray with my sweet Mom and cook dinner occasionally. These are the bestest things you can do for us right now............... Maybe even sit with Dad and visit as he tolerates it............... So you are on the schedule for Wednesday, yeah! No turning back now (smile)!

I left Mom and Dad's last night about 7:45 and went to pick up my kids from my in-laws. I hadn't seen them all weekend. I kept staying at Mom and Dad's hoping to get some more things done. It just seems like you sit in this wicked time machine and the days fly by so fast it makes your head spin. Where does the time go? What happened to our plans for the day? I think though that as more and more time goes by we are going to realize that the imporant things are just sitting with Dad and being there and if the kitchen is so messy you can't see the countertops then that is fine (even though it will probably drive some of us crazy).............. And the other part sometimes is that when you are talking to Dad about the day to day things of life, it is Dad but then again it is not so you cannot talk to him about the boring day to day things.......... he needs peace and understanding not whining and griping and he said she said stuff. So, hard people, seriously so hard.

And, to the comment about needing my sisters....... I totally understand what Lauren means when she says it just helps having all of us there. We can be there to support each other in different ways. We are all special and have our special ways of being there. That is how God created us. It is really hard when you are in the trenches with Dad and you can't yell out into the den and say "sister, can you please............ ?" I know we will get through this, that our awesome God does not give us anything we cannot handle. But seriously, I feel very tested on this one.

Hope you have a great Monday!
Stephanie

eggs.. bacon.. biscuits??

So yea about the title.
Dad has been eating eggs the past few days. A poached egg in the middle of his perfectly cooked grits. Mom made her yummy homemade biscuits and Matt cooked some bacon AND Dad ate a plate of biscuits with strawberry preserves and some bacon. Not quite sure what to think about that. Dad said he was glad that food was tasting good again, but that maybe food has tasted this good, but he was too chicken to try. Whatever it is, I'm glad he is getting protein.

Oh Lauren here by the way.

It is almost 10pm and I sit here and wonder, like I do every day, Where did the day go? Maybe I should try to sleep while Mom is up. I have a feeling Dad isn't going to get that 5 hours of sleep straight again... BUT Matt just heated up some potato skins from the steak dinner I bought my sweet sister last night. She forgot to take it home for her lunch. Poop. YUMMY. Sorry sister. It wont go to waste.

I am ready for my other sister to come home.. I like to have my sisters here. Both of them. And I am about to leave them.. I feel horrible for abandoning you Jillybean. I am so anxious or maybe that is not the right word.. about going back to school. I have been weird the past few days... more distant. I just am dreading having to adjust to another way of life. Last October my world got shaken up and I adjusted... Now I have to balance being a "normal" college student and being studious and such.. but also worrying about how Dad is doing... Trying not to drive myself crazy in thinking that I should be home. I know that it will all work out. God would not give me anything that He knew I could not handle. As far as worrying:

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. Matthew 6:34

I try to remember that. Sometimes I struggle to give it all up to God. I think many struggle with that.

Anywho, I need to get to packing up the rest of my college life and oh yea my books and stuff.. I might need those.

Love you all and keep those prayers coming this way.

Chirstmas is Almost Over You Guys!

Okay, almost all of the Christmas decorations are FINALLY packed up at the Bailey house for next year. The tree is still in the living room but at least the ornaments are off of it. We have a few decorations that are in need of a storage bin.

Matt made dad a John Denver CD.......... totally cool............. I hear singing along I think from the Dad and Mom's room. They are listening to the song.........."Take me home country road......... take me home......... country road." I wonder if that song has multiple meanings? When I look at Dad it makes me somewhat sad because he is so very thin sometimes. At times he doesn't seem like Dad but at times he has his witty and can be so funny. Like tonight Lauren is meeting and old classmate friend (a boy) at Texas Roadhouse. But they are meeting with some other friends and the boy is bringing his girlfriend bu that still did not stop Dad from saying "I'm telling Tyler." Too funny. From my perspective Dad had a really good day. He does not seem to have TOO much pain. He took one nap but of course by the time I got in there to sleep he was awake and saying his FAMOUS "HEY". So, why am I not surprised. It is just like taking care of the newborn baby when you finally decide to rest the baby wakes up crying.

Matt had a good visit with his friend. He had complete joy when he was leaving that was really cool!

Laddie got at bath today. He looks like a totally different dog. Maggie is very sad and had a different day. She didn't get all of her afternon naps in and Mom didn't talk to her much when she got home so she was out of sorts. Both dogs helped me but the rest of the Christmas decoratoins up. They had to be bribed to help with a treat.

It is now officially 8:50 pm and I am STILL in my PJs! Why am I the only one that did not get dressed? Don't know. I do feel a little better. Still coughing up green goo! Yuck!!! Probably to much info for blog world but at least I am not coughing quite as much. Hopefully my sweet sister is bringing me dinner. Hayden's first basketball game was tonight. His team lost. Bummer!!! Kevin is home with the kids tonight. I miss being home........... I am off to make a coke or coffee. I need caffeine!! Matt does not have as much faith in Lauren so he is off to get Taco Bell.

Mom is reading to Dad. I am off to check on them.

Go Cowboys!

Stephanie

Communications & Cleaning

Hello hear from Camp Bailey......... lazy day around the Bailey house NOT. Lauren and I have been cleaning....... well Lauren has been cleaning mostly. The house is looking very HGTVish....... Suzy Homemaker, well maybe so! Mom is giving platets. Her appointment to give was today at 12:30.

Well let me back up a bit........ this morning around 11:40 Matt shows in in the kitchen and says hello I'm going to Patricks house........ and I'm standing in the kitchen thinking oh my that is not good because Lauren is meeting a friend for lunch and Mom is about to leave to give platelets. I can't be by myself. And then Matt starts to loose it because NO ONE told him about any of this. I was the keeper of all of the information and NO ONE communicated to anyone of the PLANS. So, I then turned into the keeper of the peace because you see everyone just assumed that Matt would BE HERE. And no one asked him. Not Mom, not me, not Lauren. So, I came up with a plan.......... and it included Braums for Matt (yeah!). Mom and Lauren could go on with their plans and Matt could do his plans when Lauren got back. And YEAH everyone was happy! I love happiness........... But seriously people, we ALL need to do a better job in the communication department.

And, the most exciting news of all is that Dad slept from about 1:30 a.m. to 6:20 a.m. this morning. That is awesome......... He woke up and Mom and I visited with him and he had grits and a poached EGG.........yes, you read that correctly......... protein! Yeah!!! Dad is visiting right now with Shirley and Lauren is cleaning out the fridge and I am well, typing and updating all you guys. I am in serious need of a nap.

More later!

Stephanie

Welcome to the funny farm.......

Stephanie here....... the funny farm that is so true........ I feel like we are all part of it at some point. So, dear sister Lauren I FINALLY showed up at around midnight. I had SUCH a hard time leaving my dear family of four to come here. It is not that I didn't want to come and help and take care of dad and lend my support. It is just that I wanted things to be normal so I could stay home and come for other reasons like birthdays and Mothers Day and all the other holidays. When I got here Dad had just woken up from sleeping and it scared me because he was more disoriented that I've seen him. Not a confused I don't know where I am but confused as to why he was feeling the way he was. Lauren told him that he wasn't sure what Shirley had told him and she reminded him to remember the things she had told him. He told us that he thought about calling Shirley but he wasn't sure if she had "talked to Ross". My dear Aunt Shirley, I'm not sure what you would need to "talk to Ross" about but whatever peace you were able to give maybe you could come back again soon? Maybe my dear Aunt Shirley has been graduated to our level and should be sleeping with her phone!!

Dad feel back asleep after Lauren stretched him out. I won't even say what he thought about that. Lauren remembers............ funny, huh? Laughing, seriously, well awkward! !! I got here even later because I stopped by Wal-mart to buy some cool PJs for me and Lauren. They say Hugs come in ALL sizes. And, I also bought her some groceries and gifts for going back to school...... you know stuff like mac and cheese, spaghetti, and golden grahams. And, plus I think it was just one more way to delay coming here and getting back into the reality of everything.

So, here is what Dad said to me "I am glad you are here..... welcome to the
funny farm". Such a character. He asked me about how was the squirrel (more on that later) and said "I didn't get a picture". And, when I heard those things my heart knew I was in the right place even if my body thinks it should be elsewhere. And, my sweet hubby gave me a hug before I left that said it will be okay.

So, I am off to crawl into some bed somewhere......... my sweet sis has a laundry list of things to do tomorrow like put away the rest of the Christmas decorations and clean out the fridge and pantry and I must add that the kitchen and den look almost like HGTV worthy! Thank you sweet sister! And, my sweet brother put all of those million of dishes that accumulate in Dads room in the dishwasher. I think we're going to be able to work together after all........

Sweet dreams blog world. I love each and every one of you!

Stephanie

was that a smile?

Lauren here

Dad slept a little more last night.. maybe about 3 hours total. I woke up early to take over so Jill could go to bed for a few more hours. Where did the day go? It is already 9pm geez.

Shirley came over today to hang out with Dad and talk to him about finding some peace. Shirley, I don't know what all you said to Dad, but I haven't seem him smile and look so peaceful in a very long time. He might need you to come over and do that every day. Thank you so much Aunt Shirley, you are a dear and I love you very much!

The nurse came around when Shirley was leaving and we took care of business. Dad's ticker seems to be doing well and she had nothing negative to say. He just told her that he was feeling relaxed and needed a nap. Yes a nap. He hadn't slept all day. He finally fell asleep. He said that he hasn't had such ease falling asleep and being ok with it all.

Mom is home, made her some dinner and she is hanging out with Papa Bear. Jill made it home safely to Austin and I miss her already. Where is my other dear sister. I feel like she has been away too long!! She should be coming here shortly...


Take care all.

Spirtual Self

Stephanie here......... I did talk to Dad tonight. He was sleepy. He says he needs about six hours of sleep but only gets about three. I think if you might ask those that take care of him that might be stretching the truth a little bit. I don't think he has slept but maybe two nights more than a few hours a time. I know that would make me exhausted. I see fear; fear of going to sleep and not waking back up to be with us. Dad asked me what his grand kids were up to. I gave him a mini run down and he said he thought I enjoyed being mom right now. That I needed to do that. I agree with him. But why does it feel SO WRONG?

Well I'm home again tonight. I feel like a broken record. Broken being the ultimate word. I'm here at home with my kids doing all the normal things like make dinner and referee fights and oversee homework that 3 months ago I would never have given a second thought to. Now, being home with kids instead of with Dad and my sisters well just feels wrong. I want to be there to see him and talk to him. I just want to touch him and feel him and oh yeah, Dad's favorite stare at him while he sleeps. It seems in my mind a little over the top. Lesson here: Spend all the time you can with those you love so you won't be trying to fit it all in at the end. I don't think that is what I'm doing but I do want to soak up every second even if some of the words on Dad's end are a little grumpy. I would say he is entitled.

Pray for spiritual healing of my papa bear since we cannot heal the rest of him on this earth. I think there are questions he just needs answers to. I hope that whoever can give him those answers shows up soon. Although my spiritual self is struggling because does that mean once that is all resolved he will be ready to leave us?

And on a much happier note Greys is NOT a rerun tonight. Yeah!!!!! It starts in 15 minutes. I am not accustomed to watching live TV so I think I will let it record and have the kids in bed by nine so I can watch it a little delayed. This cough is not going away AND THAT IS BEYOND ANNOYING!

Off to check my blood sugar. If you see my papa tell him that I'm doing so. That would make him proud.

Finding peace...

Lauren here...

Jill's turn up with dad last night. He didn't hardly sleep, and if and when he did fall asleep, it was only for a few minutes. The cable guy just came to fix some stuff and Matt was in there with Dad, I just went in to check on him and Dad is ASLEEP!!!! Hopefully he can get some rest. OK, come on now, he is already awake and calling me. I just want him to get rest because I know that he will wake up feeling a little better. But then again I can see where is anxious about going to sleep.

Dad needs to find peace. He told me today he wants a shrink or a counselor to talk to about it. I asked him if there were things that we could help with. He said it was things that couldn't be fixed. Like not seeing me get married or seeing me graduate (yes I cried and so did he) He also worries about Mom and Matt. I just told him that I couldn't promise that everything would be OK, but I did tell him that we would all work our hardest and exhaust all options to help out. I hope that helped him a little. I want Dad to find peace, I can't imagine what he is going through.

Matt and Jill just adjusted Dad, maybe he can get a little comfortable...

more later...

I Get By with a little help from my FRIENDS

Hi! Bye! That was my conversation with Dad tonight! Mom handed Dad the phone and that is what he said to me. I told him I just wanted to call and say hi and then the kids screamed "Hello Granddad" and "We Love You" I called to check in with Mom. She said she has started the conversation with Dad's doctor about radiation. Waiting on word from them. That was good to hear.

Jill and Lauren are at the movies tonight. Talked to Lauren too and she said they ran away. Dad gave them the standard pouty face when face when they announced they were going. Poor Mom, I hope that Dad relaxes and just chills. They were watching HGTV and flipping over to watch some of the Maverick game. Mom said that Dad was a little more uncomfortable today. That scares me so!

I had dinner tonight with one of my good friends (mom to one of Hannah's good friends) while they were at dance. It was good to catch up. I don't remember the last time in the last few months that I have gotten to do that where it wasn't me picking up my kids from her house because she had covered for me because I was somewhere else. Her sweet hubby is leaving Friday to go North to see his mom who is not in good health. Lift them up in prayer too. Throughout this it has been the kindness of friends that have stepped in and taken up the slack and picked up my kids from events and from school and fed them dinner and let carve pumpkins. Your kindness is appreciated more than you know.

And why you are praying and asking for specific things....... Ask for me to have energy and focus to get what needs to be done done and to let go all of the little things that I don't have to do. Pray for this coughing bug to leave my body so I can feel better. I did stay home from work this morning and rested more and I felt like a whole new person.

Okay, I hear that unsupervised my kids have turned on the Disney Channel. And yes, it is 10:30. Never enough hours in the day. Dance and basketball and baths and homework and chill out time and it is LATE people. Christmas break killed our bedtime routine. For those of you laughing "what routine?" at least it was not THIS late! Hayden fell asleep the other day in class but thankfully the sweet little girl Rebeca saved him.

And, I get by with the help and encouragement of my family, the bestest of friends! Thank you for all of your encouraging words.

Here is to another day! Hope you have a great Thursday!

so fresh and so clean

Lauren here...

Dad slept a little more last night. Seemed to be a bit more restful. He hasn't napped yet today, but I think he might be working on one. I woke Jill and Matt up about 9:15 this morning.. and I went to take a little snooze about 10am. Jill has been in there most of the day, I have been working on keeping the den and kitchen/breakfast area clean. Its almost there... About to make some lunch though.

Dad got his grits earlier. I am glad that we finally found some that he will eat without having to drive to Baylor every morning.. We got Dad all freshened up today, shaved, hair and face washed. He looks like a new man. I think that always makes him feel better. I told him it is such a beautiful day outside and I opened the blinds up all the way so he can see the sunshine flowing in. Sunshine is such a happy wonderful thing. I love days like this.

Maggie has been a sick pup today. I think she ate a part of a tennis ball this morning (imagine that) Well it didn't agree with her. She took a nap in there with Dad, although he begrudgingly said it was ok for her to be there. It was her safe spot, especially since I've been cleaning. Laddie is enjoying the cool tile floor that I uncovered in the breakfast area.

Today seems to be a better day all around (yay) Now if we just get Mom home, Dad will feel even better. He really does not want me to go to school, which is understandable. I just know that last semester did not work doing school at home and this semester I have last semesters work to do as well. OH boy. I just told him I was a plane ride away from being home.

well I have hungry people in the house including myself...

more later. I LOVE YOU GUYS!!

I need to put some gas in my tire.. wait gas in my air.. no AIR IN MY TIRE!!

Lauren here...

this title is about how our brain's are some days. Jill and I got to get away for a little while and head out to Firewheel and do some shopping. It was a pleasant evening. I think we were a bit braindead and needed dinner but did have some Starbucks and an Auntie Anne's pretzel. Always a bonus!! We didn't really come home with much. All the spring and summer stuff is out already, I still want long sleeves people!

Dad seemed a bit anxious and uncomfortable today. He didn't sleep hardly any all night (not unusual) and didn't go to sleep or nap I guess until about 2:30pm. He slept about 3 hours. From then he has been in and out of sleep.. maybe about 10-15 minutes at a time. That probably means no sleep tonight. Hopefully we can get Dad comfortable so maybe he sleeps a little bit. Jill and I got Bewitched at the store, maybe Dad will watch it with us. Get away from Legally Blonde for a little while (although it is better than Galaxy Quest)

There is not much else to report tonight...

Chocolate always loves you back .........

Chcolcolate always loves you back..............

That was the message from the Dove Chocolate heart that Hannah opened tonight. Isn't that so true. Sometimes chocolate loves you a little too much!! And speaking of things that you love, I love getting to spend time with my family........... and tonight was totally awesome! Here was my night:

• Pick my kids up from school
• Hurry to get Hannah and Hayden's dinner made
• get Hannah to dance on time.
• Go to Wal-mart and back to dance in under an hour to pick Hannah up. Hayden followed me around with our list marking things off and telling me "Mom that is not on the list". But at least he would write it and add it............. So cute! We got to dance at 7:33. We would have been on time but this Mom caved and let Hayden pick out a toy (for which he will be paying me back for) and that took extra time.
• And then on the way to the car Hayden spotted two one dollar bills. I have to tell you I felt guilty picking it up. But Hayden said: Finders keepers.
• Made pizza for me and my hubby, well mainly for my hubby...... with a glass of wine waiting when he got home from tennis
• Stood around in the kitchen having true family time. The funny for tonight was while at Wal-mart I picked up a magnet for the fridge that had a whole bunch of Valentine words that you could use to make sayings. Hannah was appalled by the word "Sexy" so she took all of those and made a big deal of tossing them in the trash. Seriously, can I just freeze her innocence and not let her grow up anymore? Please?
• Made homemade brownies for the kids. They guilted me into it!
• Helped them get their PJs on and get ready for bed.
• Cleaned up kitchen
• Started a load of laundry
• Cleaned out junk drawer........
• Now 11:26 and kids are sleepting and Kevin is watching a movie. I let them stay up too late......... and no they did not just go to sleep

Most importantly I was just here! Tonight I truly enjoyed my kids. I still feel yucky. Like I could rest for days and days. But tonight I didn't feel like the daughter of a father who has cancer. I felt normal and it felt wonderful. But I did have a little guilt for feeling normal. Jeez, people.

It was just a really cool family night with only a hint of the fact of the reality of the situation creeping way into the back of my mind. I let the reality back in when I called Dad to tell him good night and the reality really hit back home. He sounded so groggy, okay guys, I know he is entitled to be tired. But really he sounded different to me. I told him I was calling to tell him good night and that I loved him. He said Love you too......... hope you have a good night.

And I get sad, like the other night when I was loading up my car to go home and he held out his arms to hug me bye and I said "I'll be back after I load my car." And, when I came back I didn't get my hug because he was sleeping. I have this silly feeling that I should blow off work the rest of this week and just go hang and be. I heard from somewhere that Dad wanted to do more radiation. I think the pain is really starting to be awful. I just don't know if that is really even an option. I'm just really trying to live and be so I have no regrets and I know that that might not be possible. I am thankful for those that listen and give me advise. Thank you, thank you!

So, I am going to go drift off to dream land about chocolate and happy thoughts and sweet memories of my papa....................

Good night bloggers! Good night sisters - hope you had as much fun shopping as I did with my family!
Stephanie

Trying to Keep my Cool!

Hello again everyone..... I am still at work. No updates from inside Camp Bailey. Sisters? I'm hoping that means you guys are so busy working on work and homework that you don't have time for an update?

All the pressures of work and "getting it all done" are about to make me spout off and same something really ugly to whoever I see next. No, that is not appropriate. Boy can I just see the comments in a performance appraisal for that one. So, my lips will stay sealed and instead I will do silly things like throw ice down the hall and laugh out loud. Laughter is really missing from our daily routine. I know that it does make me feel better at Dad's when he says something funny and we laugh ourselves to tears. Instead of laughing and looking at the joys in my everyday new reality, what I really want to do is make everyone hurt as much as I hurt on the inside. I am so jealous of all of those that have their daddies healthy. I want so much to listen to everyone go ON and ON about what seems to me so trivial (like how work is going or other nonsense), which really normally I would want to know. I just want you to understand my pain and relate to me somehow and tell me it is going to be okay when in reality you know it is going to hurt over and over for a long time. I so hope that makes sense.

I did go on a date lunch today with my hubby and NOT ONCE did we or I talk about my dad or how he was doing or scheduling or how much vacation I am not going to have. We talked about HIM and his clients and customers and it was such a nice breath of fresh air. I know I need to schedule some time to talk to someone professionally about all of this but seriously, do I have time?

I am off to get this work done so I can leave on time. Tuesday nights are homework nights at my house and Hannah has dance and I have a motherboard to return to Fry's. I know I should of done that while I was in Mesquite but I wanted to stay and visit with my Aunt Shirley instead of running errands. Who knows maybe we could of run them together. Kevin has tennis tonight too if the weather holds up. I have to actually look up the time of dance because I have forgotten what time it starts. Okay, I really have to go because now I'm crying and I am not up to answering "What's wrong" from random coworkers.

See you all soon!

Stephanie

Same Story, Different Day

Good morning everyone! Happy Tuesday to you! Hope this finds you well.

Last night as I was leaving work, Dad called me. He had some questions for some of the instructions the nurse gave him last Friday. So, since I have her cell number I called and verified the information. (Yes, I know probably not the proper chain of command for the agency but I really don't care at this point. I am thankful for caller ID) And, I called back and passed the information on to those in charge of Camp Bailey (Jill or Lauren) Gee I can’t remember which sister I talked to. Oh, and Dad’s back hurt. What is new? Take pain meds and turn over. Just about the only thing you can do. Sorry Papa!

And, last night my kids were both at basketball practice and I had the house all to myself. So I went home, made a salad and ate tamales. Too many tamales. My lower back hurt in a weird way last night and I could not get comfortable. God, is this possibly your way of helping me to have empathy for my dad? It was so awesome to just rest! I still have that nasty cough and I feel like crap!

Emotionally, I have a very short fuse. I am tired of this situation. I am ready for something new. Tired of the same old stuff but then thankful for the sweet special memories and hanging on everyone word from papa bear. Want some new perspective. So today I am choosing to be sunny and bright……. Otherwise, I am going to blow. Literally! You know last night, when my kids got home I didn’t even get out of bed to say hello or tell them good night or see how their day went. I just couldn’t. Didn’t have the emotional energy. How sad. I did help Kevin give Hayden his medicine and snuggle with Hayden but that was about all. I keep telling myself that this is only temporary and is not forever. But my heart is not hearing that message.

Make sure you tell sometime that you love them today! Give a hug! Life is way too short!

Stephanie

case of the MONDAYS

Lauren here...

been awhile since I have posted on here. I'm just getting back into the swing of things after being gone what I'm sure seemed forever to those that were at the Bailey house. Sometimes it is just hard to come back here.. knowing that nothing has changed and you know Dad's not going to get better and things will get harder. Its almost for a split moment you aren't the the girl who's father is dying of cancer.

What I'm about to say may sound horrible, but please someone please tell me I'm not alone in feeling/being/thinking this way ...
I sometimes find that I am emotionally detaching myself from my daily life. I don't want to cry in front of other people. I don't want someone to know that I'm hurting too. I guess it is "protecting" everyone else. It is hard to see those that you love hurting and crying. I know that I can come to you sisters and cry, but I don't because it is already hard enough. I have more I could say but I'm afraid it might come out twisted.

I can't believe I leave for school in a week. Everything will seem so foreign such as routine... Granted I will be driving home as soon as classes are over on Fridays and driving back to school on Sundays. Driving will get old.. Um southwest airlines here I come. That means I have to bust my butt while I am at school to not have things to take care of over the weekend and get my other classes from last semester done ASAP. When you think of me at school--Think of a hermit

Today has been pretty OK. I have been cleaning the kitchen for what seems hours. but I mean CLEANING the kitchen. Steph-a-loo would be proud. Jill has been setting up appointments for work so she can get the ball for the new year rolling. Hopefully we can get her home this weekend.

Matt has been chilling with Dad most of the day watching movies. Dad feels the need to call me when he wants toast.. Matt can make toast.. Matt just tip toed out of dad's room.. must mean that Papa bear is napping at the moment, first one all day. oh what to do..

more later.. I'm getting side-tracked..

New Year, not a happy one

Hello everyone..... this weekend was a productive one. At my house, I took down all of the Christmas decorations (still working on the tree), folded and put away laundry and booked Hayden's birthday party. Kevin took down our Christmas lights. On Sunday, my sweet hubby went with me to Mom and Dads and he worked on Dad's to do list which included taking down the Christmas lights, repairing and working on the car port and adding weather stripping to the doors. I went Walgreen's with Matthew and we hit an after Christmas sale on wrapping paper........ 25 cents a roll. I won't need paper for a while. Yeah!

Dad was doing pretty good on Saturday. His sister Pam and her hubby Tim came for a visit. Seriously, Dad is just in better spirits when Pam is around. Or maybe he is just hiding his true self and the meanness for when "company" is not there. But seriously, I wish I could build her a wing on the house and have her stay with us for the duration. Any angels out there that can make that happen that would be great. I need cash people............ we all do!!

On Sunday, Dad seemed to have a little more pain. Not sure why. I talked to him this morning and he sounded groggy (said his mouth was dry). He said he would call me to come rub his legs.

Lauren has nine days before the spring semester starts at school. Oh, the decisions. Oh, how I wish that we could go back in time to October 2006, you know the pre cancer days. I have learned one lesson in all of this is that I will no longer take time for granted. Enjoy your family members no matter how they drive you crazy. Hug your Mom and Dad. Spend time with them when you can. As you will never know what God has in store for tomorrow.

And you know that cancer sucks. I know you all know that. That it worms its way into ever aspect of your life and robs you of almost everything. Something as simple as watching a movie is a little thing that does not happen often at the Bailey House. That is evident by the fact that this weekend when I suggested to Hannah we watch a family movie she says to me "Mommy you are part of this family sort of - you are really part of the Bailey family." So, I guess that is how she sees it.

And, today when I get to work I get at 10:30 meeting request from my boss (mind you it is already 10:39 am) letting me know that in 2008 before I can use Family Leave Medical Act (FLMA) leave (which is unpaid) that I must use ALL but 5 days of Paid Time Off (PTO) days. Which means that I'll have 5 days after to use FOR THE REST OF THIS YEAR.......... So, I guess my family will be going to Hawaii without me.......... And I guess I will not be taking off any time to spend with my kids at Christmas. So, you see Cancer Sucks! Happy New Year to you too!

Stephanie

That's all I know about that

I just got of the phone with dad. He called me to tell me that his sister was on her way. That she had called about 45 minutes ago. He asked about me because he knew that I was a little under the weather. I told him I was doing a little better but I had a little cough. He went on to tell me about the night and that he was up the first half and he slept the second half. He told me that Mom had an issue last night (nothing bad you guys, just some hives) and he thinks they finally got it under control. He even told me he was sure I'd hear more about that.......... gee, does he know his wife or what? We talked about his list of things to do and I asked him if he and Lauren worked on that yesterday. I told him that maybe Kevin might be over later today and he told me that Kevin would probably rather be doing things outside and projects than just sitting. He said he would try and find the list. Sorry Kevin! We talked about the carport and the fact that it needed to be looked at it and he told me that there should be a post propped up by the house and I told him he was right there was one. I went on to explain the summarized version of Kevin's thoughts for making it more secure. He said that it might not help because sometimes Mom runs into it but with her new car not so much. I told him that there was not a security detail for that issue!!! He agreed. I told him that she seemed proud of the new car. He agreed again. He said that Lauren and Jill were fluffing the house for the visits today. He told me that he had had breakfast and done most of his morning routine. Yeah!

And then the dogs started barking and I asked what they could possibly be barking at and dad said and I quote "Somebody could of farted and they would be barking." Now that is funny guys!

And, then he said "That is all I know about that"

And then I said, I would call and let him know my ETA (estimated time of arrival) and he said okay ............. And now, I'm thinking that I've been up long enough and all I want to do is sleep!

So, here's hoping I make the right decision for my health and peace of mind.

Worried Papa

Last night, when I was laying down in Mom and Dad's room and my tummy was hurting (aka CRAMPS, bad ones and maybe stomach issues) Dad says to me:

"I have some medicine you can take, how about some oydose 5 mg?" So sweet that he wanted to make sure I had medicine. However, if I took that much pain stuff I would not be here typing you these words.

And, now it is a worried Stephanie......... just talked to Dad and while he is alert and talking to me he was very sleepy. Said he napped today a little more and he felt rested. Yeah! And psychology wise he felt better, yeah for that too!

Jill and Lauren are together and I'm getting no updates from inside camp Bailey. It is so hard to be away and not be able to observe first hand. I know that I need to be home resting tonight but it is so hard....... I know that when Jill is in Austin we don't give her a play by play but I need that so much. I know when you are there you get wrapped up in taking care of dad and forget the people on the outside. So, I will understand that for now because this is about Papa Bear. But seriously sisters, update the blog!

And the exciting news for all of you Desperate Housewifes fans is that this Sunday is a new epidode.

I am going to go and try and follow doctors orders and my Aunt Shirley and Aunt Pam orders and GO TO SLEEP! Wish me lots of luck!

Stephanie

Diagnosis: Exhaustion

Well, I took Hayden to the doctor, he has a mild bronchitis but nothing major. Got medicine.

The nurse came to see Dad today and talked with him and Lauren for a long time. She added a few new medicines to his routine. Hopefully, he'll take them without making frowny faces to us.

I called the nurse after Lauren texted me that she had left. That goodness for Caller ID because now I have her cell number. Probably not the proper chain of commands for contacting her but thankfully she does not mind and it is not a power that I abuse. I asked her some pretty pointed questions and she had some answers for me and had some good suggestions on how to word talking to dad. She promised that they would be here for us. She said that some of the issues is saying to Dad "Dad I need to do xxxx" instead we could say "Dad would it be okay with you if I sit here and work on xxxx. I will be right here with you but this is going to require total concentration. So, what can I get you before I start working on this? Matt will be right here with you and can get whatever you need while I am concentrating. Would that be okay with you?" This way it feels like he is still in control while the other way feels like we are taking control away. And, there are already so many things that he has lost control over since this happened to him. I asked her if she has seen any other family cases like this and she said that this was one of the extreme cases but we already knew that. Demanding? Yes! Manipulative? Yes......... Loving and worried? Yes too..............

So after much additional evaluation I have found out what is wrong with me: EXHAUSTION!Duh!

The nurse also told me that the symptoms of pure exhaustion can mimic that of flu like symptoms that when she worked the night shift that the nurses would sit in blankets because they had the chills........... ah, if I only would have talked to her today before I wasted 2 hours at my doctor. But at least I have peace of mind that I don't have any true germs that I can spread to my other family members.

Jill is back from Austin........ she told me that before this week (she was home from Monday until today) that since October 18th she has only spent 6 nights at home! Yikes! And, I know that she has been away to sales conference and to see Mark's family but there is NOTHING like sleeping in your own bed and seeing your animals and waking up and getting coffee out of your OWN kitchen. And the sad part of the reality of the conversation is something that I think we are all feeling..... is WE JUST want to stay home and not go back to Dads. We just want to be at our own house. I do get that sense of dread when I have to leave to come to Mom and Dad's not that I don't want to help but I just want my NORMAL back.

Lauren and Jill and Mom and Matt will hold down the watch tonight.

My Aunt Pam might be coming to see Dad tomorrow. I am off to call her and give her a report.

Kevin has left to go to Logan's and get yummy dinner. Take Out, although not the healthiest for me that is one of the other things I am thankful for these days.

Signing off for now.....

Stephanie

Things I am thankful for

I am thankful for:

1. Coffee
2. My sisters, Mom and brother
3. My kids
4. Kraft Mac and Cheese
5. A supportive hubby
6. Helpful Friends
7. My Sweet Aunts
8. My Cousin Amy who listens........
9. Relaxing baths
10. Sleep!
11. Chocolate
12. Papa Bear

Just What the Dr. Ordered - SLEEP

I am home from work today.......... I thought I was really coming down with something like the flu. I just came from the doctor and the good new is that I not have the flu or strep or a urinary tract infection........ I was so worried about spreading germs to the rest of my family and dad. They gave me a prescription for antibiotics and told me to push fluids and rest. So, I am going to do just what the doctor ordered. I know resting is hard to do for all of us walking this walk. Sisters, please don't be too jealous but I am going to sleep ALL day. I'm older than you so I need the rest (ha ha ha). I had the doctor write me a prescription for 7-8 hours of sleep a night. We'll see how that gets filled. . So, I guess my body is finally saying ENOUGH............. jeez guys this is so hard. You know that only God knows the end of time and you can make yourself crazy reviewing dad's day to day symptoms based on the list that our hospice nurse gave us. This process is just so hard to know the end result, to grieve every day while enjoying the good times left......... I hate to say this out loud but God hasn't our papa suffered enough?

Off to rest. I plan on taking Hayden to the doctor today at 3:40 so I have about a few hours to rest.

Thanks to all who have sent us cards and gift cards lately. These are so much appreciated and helpful.

Keep us in your prayers.

Stephanie

Changing of the Guards

Lauren is back from her trip to see Tyler. She is rested and tired all at the same time.

Mom worked today and she ,like me, feels like she is in a walking coma. It is truly amazing that God gives us the strength to function. I'm not sure how.

Dad is very anxious tonight. Well I'm not sure if anxious is the right word. He is upset and letting me know how much he loves me by calling him me over to his beside by saying... "Stephanie Anne" He told me how much he loved me and then the waterworks started on both ends............. And then I told Dad that he was "my person" and that made the waterworks flow even more and then he told me to STOP IT!

My brother in law came over today to look at Matt's computer. Yeah! So we have a plan. Now hopefully it will not cost too much money. Dad visited some with David and had a nice visit.

Matt even watched an entire movie with Dad with Dad's strict instructions that Matt was not allowed to talk too much. So, funny!

And the sucky part is I think I have a fever.......... yes.........100.8...... and I am very scared for any germs I have shared with Dad today. I feel achy and everything.............. but part of it is just you know normal girly stuff.......... I am thankful to my sis for bringing me medicine bedside.

I am going home....... wish me luck driving and telling dad bye. I just want to sleep in my own bed and be able to call my doctor tomorrow and get in with them. I am hoping it is just exhaustion and not any bugs that I can share with anyone here..............

I leave Dad in capable hands with Mom and Lauren and my brother Matt.........

Jill should be back sometime tomorrow, hopefully!

You guys will be just fine!

Hugs!
Stephanie

Brother bear awake........ mom resting....

Okay waking brother bear went as well as can be expected. Mama Bear's cell phone alarm is going off but she is not waking up; but really how can you expect her to when she went to sleep at 2:00 and then got up around 3:15 to move Dad up in the bed????. Now all the lights are on in the room and she is still snoozing.............. I don't know if she plans on going to work today or not. Matt is in there with Dad and I wish I could lock him in so I could rest and know that someone was staying with Dad....... I think I will take the air mattress back into the living room and that way I can hear what is going on. What do you guys think about that plan?



Oh, I know what. Maggie the dog got a bath the other day so she is back on the approved visitor list so she can come into Mom and Dad's room and play with Mom. Last night she was adorable. Dad even saved her some cheez its and when she came back into the room Dad found the cheezits he had wrapped in a tissue and gave them to her. So cute. If I remember, I will try and post the picture I took of her last night. She has the look that I think we all feel........ seriously can we just get some sleep?

Off to get some caffeine.

Stephanie

NO sleep for Papa Bear?

Hello fellow blog readers......... Stephanie here..... it is 5 in the morning on Thursday, I think, I have not been home since Monday morning................ I am running out of cute PJs to wear to keep me warm and fuzzy and happy.............. Seriously, I see laundry on my to do list; along with calling my boss to explain that I will not be there again today. I hope that they continue to be accepting of my absences..............

Dad had toast this morning at around 2:30 am and then we started his new movie Legally Blond and then I went and got some Cheezits and then he wanted a coke and then he needed better reading light for reading his magazines. I know I dozed in the chair beside him and then finally around 5:00 I climbed into bed with mom.......... I am now up in hopes that I can get my brother up to make coffee and sit with Dad so I can rest solid for 2 hours.......... although at this point I don't really know that 2 hours will make that much difference................. Dad really said he liked those little cheez it crackers......... it is so funny the things he finally eats that taste good. You know you hate to force your wishes on but I so wish he would doze solid.

Dad talked to Jill just now........... I told him that she said she would be up at 5:00 to work and should be done working at 7:00................. He wanted to make sure we had fresh coffee for her............. so sweet except she is in Austin...........

I hope that this post even makes sense

Wish me luck on waking brother bear!

Stephanie

Sleep, no.......... Pain, yes

Yes, you read the time correctly 2:19 am and Mom, me and Dad are still awake. Dad does not require sleep at all. I think he likes to visit with us and enjoys our company. I have many funny stories from the last few days but I am only supposed to be getting Mom a glass of water before we all attempt to tuck in and go to sleep. When Dad does sleep at the most it is only for about 2 hours at a time. He made some comment tonight about dying but he is not ready to go and I would agree. His will to be here is incredible. His pain today seemed to be a little more. He can be so stubborn sometimes when it comes to taking the medicine we suggest. He does not want to be out of it. And I guess I can understand his fear because sometimes we need him to rest so we can to.

Lauren's school spring semester starts in a few weeks. Jill has lots and lots of catching up to do at work. Mom is trying to balance the whole caregiver.

Being summoned bye!

Happy New Year!`

Happy New Year Everyone.

Last night, Dad snoozed 7:45 pm to about 11:30 pm and seriously, in hindsight we should of done the same. But we were making other family memories and playing chicken foot dominoes and celebrating the new year with:

• Mom
• Hannah & Hayden
• Kevin & Stephanie and
• Of course, Chef Matt

Kevin came over last night about 8:00...... he was delayed by a flat tire in a not so flattering part of Dallas.... I am thankful he was safe! We had queso, pizza, onion dip and chips and ranch dip and veggies. And of course olives for Hannah. And most importantly Kraft Mac and Cheese for Dad.

Dad woke up from his cat nap and of course even though we checked on him more times than I can count he woke up alone and was not surrounded by anyone when he woke up. Mom was sitting beside him in the chair when he fell asleep and so I guess he thought she should still be there when he woke up. However, there was a HUGE pile of covers on the bed and I'm guessing he thought that that was me (Stephanie) not answering him........ That was fun (NOT!).

Kevin and the kids spent the night. The kids rang in the new year and watched the ball drop in New York and did the count down to ring in the new year in Dallas, Texas. I am so thankful Kevin was here today............ the things he did are too numerous to list here. And although I did not really show my appreciation for him being here because I was tired and cranky (you try going to bed at 4:45 and getting up at 5;30 and then sleeping from 8:00 to 10:00 and tell me how SWEET you can be)........... and for breakfast all I wanted was eggs and bacon and Dad said that the bacon will stink up the place too much.................... Anyhow, back to all of the things that Kevin did today for me:

1. Made eggs
2. Helped the kids fix pancakes
3. Made my Dad mac and cheese to which he replied "it is perfect"
4. Made chili
5. Made Blacked Eyed Peas for Mom and me
6. Played with the kids
7. Visited with Matt and visited with Matt
8. Got Lauren's car to start
9. Brought me breakfast
10. Brought me coffee, that is important!
11. And most importantly he was JUST HERE........... enough said

So, Kevin, this is thank you more than you'll ever know.

So know............. the bad news......... Lauren is not coming back from Arkansas today like we thought and I'm sure now that Dad knows this but he hasn't been officially told. I know this time is hard but I just wish we would have known what was going on so that we could of prepared better and I could of told my boss I would not be there on Wednesday.

Jill should probably be back tomorrow too. She is scheduled to depart Austin at 10:00 am. She might stay until Thursday. Thursday is the day the kids go back to school. I know Kevin is excited about that part. I mean how many questions and questions can you answer from one sweet six year old boy?

Well I have many more stories about the last few days but I need to get a nap in before the all nighter part two. Matt just came in and said that Dad wanted to see me before my nap and I know he is going to ask me about Lauren's plans.

Off to take Dad and Mom some black eyed peas!

Wish me lots of luck!

Stephanie

Never Wake a Sleeping Bear

This is so true..... not matter how much you want to see it. That is Stephanie yesterday around 3:00; Dad was sleeping so soundly and you know they say that that is one thing that might change; that you might not be able to wake him up. And then after I did wake him - one true reason was because it was time for his meds the other reason was I just wanted him to WAKE UP! After he woke up, I realized my mistake because he was so disoriented, he tried to drink the lotion and plug his cell phone charger into the post it notes, and splash water all over his bed (which he later claimed to mom that he was trying to splash water on his face). Okay, so maybe I was misunderstood. Anyhow, Mom was trying to make some many needed phone calls to various places, oh how the little things get away from us in a time like this and when she asked if me if Dad was still sleeping and I said no, I woke him up, she said "Why". I seriously 2nd that motion.

That is a mistake I will not make again.

Stephanie learned her lesson!