More Pain, Less Boxes, No Sleep & Fear

Good Tuesday to all of you. I talked to Dad a few times today. He called to check in on Kevin (he called Kevin "your old man" - not sure where that came from). I think that is so sweet that even in the time of being in such pain and all that he is going through, he is still Dad wanting to make sure we are all okay. Kevin of course has strep throat. I'm hoping that does not go to anyone else in our house. He also wanted to know where "that folder" was I had and where his to do list was. I'm going to have to start writing down better the words that he said. Luckily, Lauren had the list and e-mailed the original list to Jill. Lauren had typed the list on her PC.

And speaking of computers, the Bailey household is without PCs except for maybe Matthew's. Dads won't turn on............. Jill's work PC is in the shop and the study PC had some viruses on it. When it rains, it pours in that area. Please say prays for my sweet sister Jill. She has lots of stress and worry about things with her job right now. Help her know it will all be okay and she will get it done.


Thank you so much for all of your prayers and well wishes. This has got to be the hardest thing I have ever done. The words to this song Stand by Rascal Flats pretty much sum up my feeling this weekend, especially the bold words.

You feel like a candle in a hurricane

Just like a picture with a broken frame

Alone and helpless Like you've lost your fight

But you'll be alright

Chorus: Cause when push comes to shove

You taste what you're made of

You might bend, till you break

Cause its all you can take

On your knees you look up

Decide you've had enough

You get mad you get strong

Wipe your hands shake it off

Then you Stand, Then you stand

This is really true, we are all finding what we are made of. What we can do when pushed and have to. How we can survive on almost no sleep. How we can be as sweet as we can when we really don't want to be. How we can find the energy to rub legs one more time or do things we never imagined we'd be able to do a few months ago.

Dad had a pretty good weekend. Sleep comes not very often. I truly believe he has himself so worked up with fear and anxiety that it has caused him to have insomnia. Friday night he slept for a few hours. Saturday night was pretty much of the same. He took almost no naps during the weekend. Oh, unless you count the 10 minute one on Sunday afternoon. Matt and I quietly walked out of the room to go make some food for brunch and no more than 10 minutes later Dad called Matt and wanted to know where we all were.

Saturday, his sister Pam and her husband Tim came for a visit. My sweet Aunt Pam took some of the night shift so that I and Mom could get some sleep. Pam shared some very good words with Dad. I really feel like she was led by God on what to say. Dad said "I need to sleep but I am scared of the unknown." Ah, yes, the unknown. Pam reminded Dad that we are all scared of the unknown but we have to give it all to God. He will never forsake or leave us. We will always be okay. I really hope this conversation lead Dad down the road of peace and comfort. I know while listening to her talk to Dad I was trying to hold back the tears.

I stayed at Mom and Dad's until midnight Sunday night. Just hanging out with him, talking to him and helping Mom and Dad sort through years and years of paperwork. I have to say that made some serious progress. We also looked at the IKEA web site and checked out prices of furniture for Matt's room. I showed Dad a bed frame (headboard include) for around $179 and Dad said that was too much, we'll have to go somewhere else. Pretty funny.

Another thing you will find is sometimes the best thing to say is nothing at all. Like when Dad says to you "I think I've been a little to hard on your mother this week." And what you really want to say is "You think" but you don't you just LISTEN and say "really?" And then you really have to get creative when Dad says "WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THAT?". To which I can reply "Not sure Dad since I did not personally observe that situation." Seriously, keep that one tucked in your back pocket because it will work no matter who the people are. You know when one girlfriend is going off on another one of your friends about something that happens and she looks at you and asks you what YOU think you can say "I'm not sure ________ (insert name) how to comment on that because I did not personally observe that or I was not there. End of story. It has saved me and I know Jill many times when Dad has put us on the spot or gone on and on about something so small that he just needs to let go.

Sunday night a few of the moms from Hayden's class got together for dinner at 5:30. I really, really wanted to try and make it. But at 4:40 when we were in the middle of something with Dad I knew I just could not leave my mom. So, I called the mom who had organized the event to tell her I would not make it and I just started crying. Silly, I know. But seriously, this is really so hard.

Dad called me several times on Monday to ask me how to sign into his yahoo e-mail account that I helped him set up. You know stuff like passwords and all. I am so hoping he can get signed back in and write me an e-mail. I want to have his words to me so I can keep them forever. He also called to ask me if I wanted a few papers from my college days before he and mom shredded them. I told him no he could shred away.

I called and checked in with Mom last night. Dad was watching the State of the Union address. Mom said that Dad was not feeling well. Jill says that the pain is worse than she has seen it. Damn cancer. You suck...............

Must go get to sleep while I can as tomorrow night and the next I am on duty at the Bailey house and that means no sleep for me!

Hugs, Stephanie