Countdown to the new Grey's, one more day!

Not much to report, things are pretty much the same at Bailey house and beyond.

Mom is working on getting paperwork and items filed and taken care of. Last benefits and taxes and all that fun stuff. I'm just wishing I was not SO far away from Mom and Matt. That I could drop by and help Mom with stuff.

Matt, my sweet brother Matt. Dad's side kick for so long. Now he is all alone. Every day. Not sure about this one guys. Matt and I visited Devry. We are working on getting everything handled. Matt applied for financial aid. We are waiting.

Lots of Lauren's friends are busying themselves with graduation plans. I know this is a bittersweet time for my sweet sister. She should be right there with all of her friends but life had different plans. Really different.

Jill is staying busy working, working, working. I talked to her recently briefly. Got my reminder about Grey's! I cannot wait until tomorrow's episode. Addison is back. Yeah!!!! Watching Grey's reminds me of all the times taking care of Dad where we would try to get "one episode" in.

Keep us all close these next few weeks as we continue on this journey of healing and growing.

Ending with this excerpt from a song from by Greg Gilpin - "Until We Sing Again"

"My heart will go on beating though it may feel alone. My heart will still embrace all that lies ahead. I will walk this journey just as life has planned, but I've been changed completely, you're a part of who I am. I will hold these memories, I will take them all with me. Each and every moment for all time! We will sing again." from the song

And that is all I have to tell you about.

Stephanie

Sleepless Night = Photos Finally!

Hello family and friends. Yes, it is almost 2:00 am; why am I not sleeping? Good question. Is it all the excitement of the new Grey's? Maybe. My mind just won't shut down. Thinking, thinking. Hayden, Hannah and I cleaned house tonight and got a grip on all the mess while Kevin worked. Now, before you get too excited about the little guy and all his work, let me tell you he had motivation. He was earning money so he could sponsor his sister in the "Hoops for Heart" for the American Heart Association at their school. And, my sweet hubby brought me roses. I finally added pictures to the post on Dad's birthday. Check out those here. I'm still learning how to add mulitple pictures, etc. so bear with me. I'm starting to get out of the funk I've been in almost all week. I'm thankful for that. In almost every room in my house there is something that you might think was so every day that reminds me of dad. I must get to bed. Friday my kids have informed me is donut day. Update on donuts: We left in time this morning to get donuts but Mom forgot the donuts for the school principal. I guess there is always next week! Here are a few more pictures taken in early March:

The snowman Hannah and I built on Thursday March 6th; yes, you are correct in that Hayden has NO shoes on. Crazy Texas weather:



March 4th - we finally got to have some cake, the snow the night of Dad's birthday got in the way of our original celebration!



Our house, look at all the snow!

Foot prints in the snow, Daddy's and the kids, just like my Daddy always was with us.

Last night I said prayers with Hayden, I thanked God for letting me be his Mommy and for sending me such a sweet boy. We prayed for Tyler and his troops. We prayed for Aunt Lauren. We prayed for Hayden to have patience in his day the next day. I asked Hayden if there was anything we forgot to pray for and he said yes. Uncle Ross. Little kids have such wisdom.

Thankful it is Friday!

Stephanie

Empty Purses & Bags, Many Memories

Last night when I got home, I really, really "cleaned" out my car. I didn't realize there were so many bags that still contained items that would travel the journey back and forth with me to Dad's while taking care of him. I thought long ago I had already emptied all of those out. So, I brought it all in to the kitchen and while making dinner unpacked it all and found the following items for a walk down the memories of the past few months.... Here are just of a few of the items I found:

• Diabetes supplies and items for my insulin pump, you know extra supplies tucked away for those just in case situations


• Ricola cough drops, Dad used these. And then he'd get tired of them and place them on the tray............. wonder if Maggie ever got to have a cough drop?


• Receipts for purchases at Walgreen's on our many trips to purchase things to make our journey and Dad most comfortable


• Receipt for Elliot Hardware where I purchased items so the Christmas lights could go up and we not worry about any electrical issues. This was always Dad's job. Last night when I talked to my sister Lauren, we discussed Christmas 2008. There is hope and potential that Tyler might be getting to come HOME Christmas Eve. We talked about how this year our Christmas would be anything but typical. You know, I haven't really given it too much thought. But it must of weighted heavily on my mind as last night guess what I dreamed about? Christmas. Is was most definitely Christmas 2008. The surroundings were the place at the Lake where we went with Mom and Dad as kids. It was Nanny's place but Dad loved to go there. We had a tree and presents. My cousin Kim was there with her "trailer", mobile I'm guessing, she brought "their tree" for her kids to decorate. It was beautiful just as my cousin Kim is. Then the dream goes to the bedroom where Mom and Dad slept. On the bed, washed and folded and rolled in that room were clothes of Dads. And underneath there were some clothes of Lauren's. I asked her if she needed her clothes and she said not now. Also, in the dream was my cousin Travis. His little girl Ashley was, well, a toddler. We were driving............... looking for a McDonald's. And then the dream ended when Kevin woke me up to tell me that it was 7:05 am and time to start another day. I'm guessing that the real version of Christmas will be very similar. All of us not wanting to disturb the things of Dad but knowing we really must move on and start our own traditions. It is too early to start and venture out to think about what to do in that regard. Scares me. I really am not ready to "combine" the Lewis and Bailey worlds for holidays such as Thanksgiving. I am really saddened that last year I had to share Thanksgiving with the Lewis side. Well, I didn't go but my kids and hubby did. So, this year, Thanksgiving will have to be a new tradition. Maybe we'll head again to Austin to see my sister Jill. Of course, last time we did that, Dad was there too.......... I'm open for suggestions to how you guys out there who have done this have celebrated these many firsts. The picture above was taken Thanksgiving 2006 as Dad and Mom were heading home. Dad wasn't feeling all that great. Don't ask about my silly kids and their clothes choices. I think they were warm. We had gone that night for a walk in the park with my sisters.


• Emergen-C, the drink we drank to keep us well when we started to feel bad. Because we could not afford to be sick!


• Sympathy card (my first) from a friend


• Coupon for $20 off at Chico's, the store I shopped at during my "shopping" adventure after Dad died.


• Tussinex cough syrup, one of my best friends during trying to get well while taking care of Dad. You didn't want to "cough" while he was sleeping and run the risk of waking him up. Not good.


• Many, many memories from hanging with my sisters............. I learned a lot about different products and beauty stuff from them............... I miss the companionship we formed even though it wasn't under happy times. We pulled together, we were there for each other. That is not to say we aren't there for each other now. It is just, well.. different


• Candy, and a smile on my face remembering how Dad would be concerned about what I ate.


• The list requesting items for the Valentine Party from the 1st grade room moms, we all lived much in mobile fashion then. Always on the go.


• Christmas cards, receipts and other items I'd taken to Dad's to try and keep organized while over there. My mobile office, times many versions..........

And then the kicker, a note card pad, seems innocent enough right? well on the notecards were written the following things:

• Dr. Orr's office phone number 214-370-1003, where he had called me on October 19, 2007 and I had to call him back. I wanted to know more about Dad's condition. I learned pretty much that day after we had "that talk" that there was not much else that could be done to "save" Dad. I was at the Radisson in Fort Worth at a business conference. I broke down and sobbed in the lobby. Not happy memories


• Times that various parents were going to work our booth at the carnival.... this might have been from the year before but it made me think about how this past year I had to miss that time because I was visiting Dad in the hospital. I wouldn't change that for anything.


• Directions to Baylor Hospital from my house................ Pearl, right on Pearl, Left on Pacific, Pacific becomes Gaston..................... Memories of leaving the hospital many, many times late at night when Dad was first admitted and "getting" lost in the sea of tall buildings "trying to find my way home"

I guess now we are all trying to "find our way". Papa Bear, I miss you so much. I know you are watching over us. I know you are no longer suffering and for that I am thankful. I am holding fast to the memories of you and all you taught me. Doesn't mean I have to like it.

Hugs everyone,

Stephanie

Update on Tyler

Hello family.. Lauren here..
saw that Stephanie was going to update on Tyler so I figured I would make it easy on her and do it.

He is in Iraq and is doing guard duty (means he is safe!). He will be doing this for about another 2 weeks and then he will be out doing patrols (ahhh) for about a month. He will most likely be switching between these two every month. He is in good spirits which is always good. Not much more to say except to keep those thoughts and prayers coming. I know he and his parents greatly appreciate your support.

All I have for you now.
Love to you all :)

More Reflections

It was a beautiful weekend here in the area. Hope you too had a wonderful time and you spent it wisely with family and friends. A few weekend reflections................

Friday night, Mesquite all the way, a little time also in Rowlett visiting with my Aunt Shirley. I was in the area getting my hair cut. Didn't make it out with my girlfriend for dinner but did eat a burger at Burger Street. It reminded me of the Friday night before Dad died. Amy got a burger from there and shared some with me. So it was a "thing" to do. I know it is silly. I am silly. I won't deny that. I wanted to take my brother out to dinner but he had plans. Tried to get in touch with that cousin of mine but she wasn't available either. I know people have plans and last minute ones don't always work out. Instead I focused on spending time with family, my mom and aunt and supporting my aunt as she has supported us all these past few months. I entered a hospital setting for the first time since "going there" to see Dad. Taking the elevator, smelling the hosptial smells, sitting in the family room and stopping at the nurses station made me have to remind myself to breathe. I know I'm silly and not everything should relate back to dad but I'm guessing that this is part of the healing process for me at least.

Saturday Matt and I visited Devry and got him all signed up for college that starts in July. Prayers are needed that the financial aid part of this works out for the best for him. Money is not something that grows on trees in the Bailey household. Matt is working (although not sure if he knows that) on securing some summer employment so he can pay for gas to go back and forth to school and support his "I don't want to eat what is at home" habit. Silly, silly brother of mine. Prayers for Matt as he moves on in this journey and decides what he wants to do when he grows up.

Mom and Matt got to watch Hayden's baseball game Saturday night. Hayden's team won. It was a weekend of sports galore on the Lewis side of things.

Still wrapping up all of the paperwork for Dad's estate. Such a tedious process. The HIPAA laws and privacy laws due not make this process any easier.

I'm off to have lunch with my little princess. As usual I have a case of the Monday blues. Pray that I get out of this funk. I also have an update on Tyler but don't have all the details with me at this moment..........

We appreciate all of your prayers............
SBL

To my dear Aunt Pam, I miss you bunches. Are you out there? Please call me when you can. I need to hear your voice and laugh.

Reflections

It's Friday...... I'm feeling sentimental today. Reflecting on lots of things. Missing my dad more today for some reason. I think it is because I'm heading to Mesquite later today to get my hair cut. And going to Mesquite used to mean so much more, there was so much more to do. You know taking care of Dad. I plan on meeting up with a good friend of mine tonight to catch up. That will be my happy, oh, and so will a new hair-do!

Right now I'm listening to the Rascal Flats CD that my sister gave me. On the outside of the CD case she wrote "Steph, to my darling sister. Enjoy. Lue" That CD became my anthem of sorts for keeping me sane when taking care of Dad. Especially the song: Stand. However, in getting through some really tough days lately the song "I Wish" by Rascal Flats has become more special. It is really what Dad taught all of us and I feel like he is up above whispering these words to all of us. The words to the song are below. I hope you all have a wonderful weekend.

I Wish, by Rascal Flats

I hope that days come easy and moments pass slow,

and each road leads you where you want to go,

and if you're faced with a choice, and you have to choose,

I hope you choose the one that means the most to you.

and if one door opens to another door closed,

I hope you keep on walkin' till you find the window,

if it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile,

more then anything, more then anything,

My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it,

to your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,

You never need to carry more then you can hold,

and while you're out there getting where you're getting to,

I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,

Yeah, this, is my wish.

I hope you never look back, but ya never forget,

all the ones who love you, in the place you left,

I hope you always forgive, and you never regret,

and you help somebody every chance you get,

Oh, you find God's grace, in every mistake,

and you always give more then you take.

Moving on

Hello everyone. Hope you are having a wonderful Wednesday. Sharing this picture of Dad and Hayden last July 4th. Hayden was cold after swimming so he was all snuggled up with Dad. Dad wasn't feeling too good that day. However, the fact that Hayden is all snuggled up and watching TV with Granddad are happy memories. His smile is comforting to me.

Also, I wanted to let you the location of my new blog.

http://lewisfamilyhappenings.blogspot.com/

Not to worry, this site is not going anywhere, we might just not update as often. Let us hear from you!!! Rumor has it that we are working on a family reunion for the Curry side. I'm counting on my cousin Kim to help me keep the promise of all of the Bailey clan getting together at some point this summer.

Verse of the day:

Jesus said, "Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me." John 14:1

Yes, this is the shortest post for me ever.

Hugs, Steph

What Cancer Cannot Do

I found this on another site and found it to be somewhat true. Cancer does rob you of your most special family members but........

What Cancer Cannot Do

It cannot cripple love, it cannot shatter hope
It cannot corrode faith, it cannot destroy peace
It cannot kill friendship, it cannot suppress memories
It cannot silence courage, it cannot invade the soul
It cannot steal eternal life, it cannot conquer the spirit

Keep those prayers coming our way.

Tax Day!

Hello friends and family. Tax Day! Are you done with yours??? I am e-filed it this morning. Thankful for Turbo Tax. Yeah! Don't really know what all the fuss was about. It was just sitting down and making myself do it. The Bailey house also got their taxes done as well. Mom with a little help from her sweet cousin Norma sat down Sunday evening and got it all done!

Norma was in town this past weekend to visit Mom and go to the Ladies Tea at Mom's church. Jill and Lauren were in town for Mom's tea as well. It was good to see my sisters even if it was for a short time. We are all busy getting back to our old routines. Very busy I tell you!

I seem to be doing better in getting back to old routines. I am thinking about some grief counseling or support groups for the rough spots. I just need to check it out. I seem to spend a lot of time reflecting. Like when we were at the church for the tea and we walked by the fellowship hall I had to catch my breath, because you know the last time were were there was for Dad's services and we were surrounded by friends and family.

So, here is the weekend recap from Camp Bailey:

• My sweet hubby mowed the Bailey lawn and made it beautiful again this Saturday. Huge, huge thank you from me and my sisters!
• My kids got to play with the kitties and Maggie. That Maggie doggie is a mess I tell you.
• Matt visited with his friend Patrick
• Norma and I washed LOTS of dishes from the tea party, thank you Norma for your help!
• Norma and Mom had a nice dinner out at Steak N Ale with Mom's Sunday School teacher Sherry.......
• Lauren's boyfriend Tyler is now at his base in Baghdad. He will be stationed at Camp Victory located at the Baghdad Airport. His duty will be Base security and Patrolling an area southwest of his base. Thank you for all your prayers in this regard. Please continue to pray for Tyler and his team.

Hope you have a great day!

Stephanie

Does this apply to you?

From my daily calendar at work:
You know you drink too much coffee when.........

• You don't sweat, you percolate.
• You don't tan, you roast.
• You don't get mad, you get steamed.

Notes, there are three different updates for today..... And guess what else, I finally with Kevin's help uploaded all of the pictures from my memory card to the PC. So, soon I should have some additional pictures for all of you. Like many things it became too overwhelming and stopped me in my tracks because guess what there were way too many pictures of Dad on there. Good memories and sad ones all wrapped up into one. Ugh....... There are some really cute ones of Dad with the kids. Those were not included in the ones of the slide show. We didn't want all of you to see how sick he was. Trust me, that really makes you sad. I haven't decided if I might share some of those with you. It will show the love he had for his kids and his grandkids and family.

I'm off to watch Hayden's baseball game. Go Yankees, six and seven year old Yankees that is.

To end with another daily calendar saying "Well, this day was a total wast of make-up". Maybe not, but sometimes it sure feel that way. What about you?

Hugs to all of you. Especially my sweetest Aunty Pam. Forgot to tell you I talked to her the other day. She caught me up on how Dad's mom was doing. We need to get down to visit with her. I am planning soon to maybe go down one Sunday. I miss, miss, miss Dad's sisters like you wouldn't believe. It is my connection to his memory hugely.

Oh, yep, baseball game.............

Stephanie

Chaos continues

I saw Mama and Brother Bear this weekend. They came to Hannah's volleyball game. Her team did not win but played really hard. Afterwards, we went to Bennigans with my in-laws and Mom and Matt joined us as an early celebration for my birthday. Mom and Matt and I did some shopping at Big Lots. Mom is wrapping up preparations for the tea at her church hosted by the ladies group. Mom and Matt came by my house to look over some paperwork. Matt and I visited about his schooling and discussed where he'd like to go. Lots to do..........

Mom and Matt headed home and I decided to go over to Mom's to help around the house as I could. Mom had dinner Saturday night with her friend Sherri. Matt and I had a Saturday Night Clean House (mainly kitchen though). Fun. Matt might not say it was fun. It was crazy trying to keep up with the kitties and doggies. Matt's kitty seemed to like to get into everything. Open a cabinet to put something away and Bear was right there jumping into the cabinet. Ugh. Once mom got home she and I went over some more papers for Dad's estate. Craziness I tell you. Craziness. Hayden and I headed home around 11:30 that night. One might think that a seven year old would fall asleep on the way home. Not a chance of that. He talked and chattered to me the whole way home. Yep, he is my son.

There is lots more going on with the family. Please keep us close. Medical issues, hospital stays and upcoming surgeries are on the horizon. I'm not at liberty to post all of those details here just yet but I know you that are praying will be able to life us up. Please pray for this chaos to end.

Not a big Fan of Mondays..........

Hello everyone. Monday. Again. I'm not a big fan of Monday.

The weekend comes to a screeching halt and it seems there are so many weekend loose ends. And guess what time my entire family woke up this morning? 7:30 am. Yikes! I had so many things I was going to "wrap up" last night but fell asleep with Hayden and then woke up and went and cuddled with my little princess. I of course did not use my time wisely this weekend.

I was was a squatter (one who contributes none if very little) to my household. My sweet hubby did lots. Mowed and worked in our yard. It looks great. I could not get motivated to do the many lists of projects and things (including finishing our taxes). Too much going on in my head. There are also times of great sadness where I burst into tears and its seems that no one understands. They are so worried about the noise I'm making or the fact I'm sobbing so much my spit is getting in their bath water. It seems so "all about them". I want them to understand what I'm going through. I know they can't be there. And then I wonder if I'm being fair to them. They shouldn't have to be subjected to all of this. It makes me want to just run away. Hannah does seem to get things and seems so grown up that I like to share and talk with her but I must remember that she is just a 10 year old "little" girl even though on the outside sometimes she fools me. Ah, reality.

Last night Hayden and I left for Wal-mart to "pick up a few things" and we were gone FOREVER. Didn't have my cell...... Lewis house could not get in touch with us. Needless to say that was a sucky way to end the weekend. Not happy memories people. I'm off to grab some lunch. Talk to you guys later.

One more day until my birthday!! Yeah, me!

because things aren't crazy enough

Life at the Bailey house was just too calm so Mom and Matt got kitties. Chaos is back. Buddy, Mom's kitty is just presh and fetches his little mouse too over and over again. Matt named his kitty, Bear. Maggie would like to eat the kitties and their toys, but she is trying to be good! This is one of the funnier pictures I got of the kitties over Easter weekend. I added two other pictures to the sidebar. Love you all...jillybean

Heaven and other random thoughts

Heaven will mean more to you now- your dearest treasure is there. "For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also" (Matthew 6:21). This is oh so true. Still working on working through several issues. We will get there. I have faith. God and you guys will carry us through this. Please know that sometimes I'm just not ready to do all of the things I used to do or have all of the conversations I used to have. Sometimes, I just want to curl up in a ball and try to forget all of this pain. Know that I love all of you very, very much. Each of you has provided and played an intergal part when Dad was living. We could not have gotten through some of the phases without you. Now that Dad is gone it is up to us to write that next chapter.

April fool funny. Last night my back was itching. I asked Hannah to please put some lotion on it. She was rubbing it in and said "Mommy, you have a spider crawling on your back." I replied "Well, get if off" She kept rubbing the lotion. I should have known this was a joke becuase there were no squeals or screams. I said "GET IT OFF" She said "April Fools Mommy".

Random thoughts from one sleepy mama

I should be in bed sleeping. My kids are. My hubby probably is sleeping, TV is going but I bet he is sleeping. Here is a warning for you as the title of this post suggests, there will be lots of random comments............. I'm in a random mood, one minute I will be talking about something and then out of blue I'll start a totally different conversation. Just ask my little girl. This weekend I let the kids both have a friend over Saturday night for a sleepover. Hannah and her friend went to sleep at 2:30 am. So, Sunday she was a little cranky. Okay a lot cranky. On the way home from Hayden's game I told her that if she could not be responsible and get more sleep and not be cranky the next day she could not have any more friends stay over. To which she replied "That was random". Nope, no lead into the discussion, just random, random and from one feeling to the next.

That is how things are these days........ random......... no warning for feelings or emotions or what might come from ones mouth. Some things I really want to say and get out there I'm not quite sure how to even start. Things are awkward at best around the Bailey house. Some things I say and wish I would've kept to myself. This is just part of this life, learning to cope and find our new normal in this world without dad.

So, the rest of my random thoughts are as follows:

Try to find peace if you are stressing.......... seriously, life is way to short........... case is point........ Dad was only 62, some kids who pass away are only 9............. so life is too short to worry or hold grudges or think about what you should've said .......... way, way too short.................. remember this guys........ learn lessons even in death

Every time, I clean my glasses off I think about Dad and how while he was sick he would take my glasses from me and clean them and say "Now I bet you can really see"

Making mac and cheese brings back memories 100 fold.............. to mac and cheese at 1:00 am to the steps back and forth to Dad's room to make sure you got it just right. When making mac and cheese for the kids I find myself wondering would this be Dad worthy or would it get sent back to the kitchen?

When I see the post it note at my desk that says "check blood sugar and call Dad" I think of all the times he would call just to check in on me; how I do miss those conversations. I still have Dad's mobile number programmed in my cell phone. Can't bring it to myself to actually delete it just yet.

I miss my Dad.......... I want to call him and bounce things off him. I miss, miss him.

Off to bed, maybe I'll catch some of Dad in my dreams somewhere.

Hugs everyone. Seriously, it is almost 1:00 in the morning. Why can't I turn my mind off and get some sleep.