Question of the Day

Question of the day: Do they make a Fentenyl patch (pain medication) for your heart?

So, here is the answer from my sweet sister:
Answer: wish they did sister...All of our hearts are hurting... it sucks :( I wish there was something to cure a broken heart. But I think we will always have a piece of our hearts missing you know?Call me if you need to sister. I love you!!

I found the question on the site of a little boy that passed away from cancer. Another loved one lost to this dreaded disease. However, I though the question was so appropriate. Dad used Fentenyl patches. I remember making sure we changed them when we should. I remember all the conversations with my sisters, calling them to make sure I changed it when I was supposed to. I remember all the pain that Dad was in. He was in a lot of pain. Over the last few days I've been reading over the journals we kept when Dad was alive. A lot of it is medical stuff, you know medicine times and what he ate. Some of the things he said to us. Some very funny conversations that make you laugh and smile and cry. But there is also a lot of references in there to how much pain he was in and it makes me realize how much better off he is in heaven so that is what I am trying to tell my heart but my mind and body still needs him here....................

Tonight after dance, I picked up one of Hannah's friends and she came home with us. Her parents were with their new doggie at the vet. Say prayers; not sure if Bella will make it through the night. Anyhow, when Don, Amber's Dad, arrived he asked me how I was doing. Don lost his Mom recently (before Dad passed away). He asked me if I was better. I told him I didn't think you ever "got over" it. He shared with me that he used to call his Mom every Sunday and now Sundays just feel weird. It told him I could relate. He said that every Easter he used to send his Mom an Easter Lily. This year she was not here to send one to. We are both in very similiar places right now.

I'm thinking about not closing this site but maybe going back to blogging on one of my other blogs. I want to write about Dad here but it feels weird to be writing on this blog because this is the blog we wrote on to keep you updated on how he was doing. And now, since he is Heaven we can't do that anymore. Don't worry, I'll let you know what I decide to do.

I also still haven't figured out the charity or hospital or some place to make a donation to every year on Dad's birthday. Something he felt passionate about. I know Family and being together so I thought about Habitat for Humanity and then I thought about the American Cancer Society but I am a little jaded because they didn't seem to help out much when I really needed it. I told them what stage we were at (the end) and they sent me all these books about treatments and how it impacts people and blah, blah, blah.......... Sisters, if you have a suggestion or my sweet Aunts if you have a suggestion then let me know. I need to hurry up. I could make a donation to Baylor Hospital but I would want it to go to a specific fund not just the general one. Cancer sucks and it just seems like with all the research we don't seem to be any closer to saving people. Every day, every minute you learn about how cancer impacts a family or someone you know. Why oh why can't we with all of the medical technology given to us figure these things out? Why do we have to continue to loose the ones we love? It just doesn't make sense.

So, I leave you with my question, do they make a pain patch for the heart? And if so, where do I get one?

Too Tired

Who would've known that a trip to Chase Bank and sitting and waiting to talk to a banking representative while reading a Newsweek would reduce me to tears. It was one of days guys. Afterwards I wondered around Big Lots. I just wanted to go home and cry. But a Sonic Diet Coke and a small bag of Cheetos made it all better. Thankful for Sonic.

Jill took some pictures of the newest members to the Bailey house - the kittens. I'll ask her and see if she'll post them. I think one of them is still nameless........

I'm just not up to keeping my promises about posting the pictures tonight. I need to make some time to tdo that though. It is 9:15 and I am in my PJ's and ready to go to sleep. My kids are not. They are watching Dancing with the Stars. Homework is done, backpacks packed and snacks made. They are super tired from staying up so late on Spring Break. Hayden even fell asleep in class today, drool on the desk and all.......... So, instead hanging with this keyboard and hiding in here with the computer I'm going to go snuggle with my kids. I will be glad when today is over!

Don't faint but this is the end of my post tonight. Short and sweet. I'm too disappointed from no comments from all you bloggers to write any more (sniff, sniff)

Hugs,
Stephanie

Together for Easter

Hello blogger family. How are you doing tonight? Easter weekend was a beautiful one here in Texas. Saturday was sunshine and beautiful blue skies. It was a little on the chilly side on Sunday morning but that did not stop my two from hunting eggs or their uncles and daddy from hiding the eggs. The kids and I even went to 8:30 services at church on Sunday, yes you read that correctly, 8:30 and we were only 5 minutes late. Aren't you proud?

Easter Sunday it was good to be together as family. Easter was the 2nd time we have been together under one roof. It felt good and weird all at the same time. Getting ready for Easter Sunday and setting the table made me sad. I know Dad would've loved to be here with us. I know he is watching over us. As I set out the dishes and our crystal I remembered how Dad would set up and decorate for many family gatherings. Happy Memories. Last year, for Easter, my kids made place cards for everyone. For some reason, some of them did not make in back into the Easter decoration box. I still had Hannah and Hayden's and Matt's. Mom's too........... And then there was the one that I pulled out..... It read "Mike". I wondered what to do with it? It felt odd to put it back in the bag with all of the mismatched ones that remained, so I set it out on our entry table next to the box I keep all my momentos from Dad's services and next to the several special photos that Jill gave me that were at the service. That just seemed the right thing to do at the time although I did feel a little silly. It was almost like I wanted to block off the head of the table for Dad. But that would've been even more silly. I think it is going to be harder when we get together at Mom and Dad's to change up that tradition. It felt so odd when Mom arrived to my house alone, by herself. No papa bear. I was busy in the kitchen and all of a sudden I heard Hannah say "Awww". I said what? She picked up Granddad's namecard and showed it to me. I told her we could move it if it made her sad. She said nope, it was fine. And, it also made me sad when we took family photos with my in laws and my brother n law and I remembered last years photo with Mom and Dad and my in laws. I guess maybe that is why I didn't take too many pictures. Thankfully, my sister Jill took lots of pictures of our family memories. Thank, you thank you.

So, how was your Easter? How did you celebrate this holiday? Post a comment and let us know how yours was and How you are doing. Didn't I mention, we miss you! This Bailey misses you a lot. I can't put my finger on the feeling , it is like you when you press pause on the remote so the movie can continue to play but your DVD player is broken, and doesn't remember how to work anymore. I can so relate. I know my sisters too are working through their own versions of this. We all want to continue "playing" but our minds and bodies sometimes remain on "pause". Sweeet sisters of mine, know that I am here for you to listen to you whenever you need me. No matter what time it is.

I recently purchased a book to read called Fatherless Women. I haven't started reading it. Anyone that has any suggestions on good reads for picking up pieces and starting to play again in life, do let us know. I know you can post comments to the blog, I have lots of faith in all of you!

And, that leads me to the other hardest part about losing someone. All of the unanswered questions like........ why did you do that? What did you want me to do with.......... and so on and so on........Totally, things that will never have a resolution, we can't ask him anymore. All we can do is guess and wonder if that is what he thought. So, what is....... is........... it is just that simple........... our minds will just have to catch up somehow.... And that my dear blogging friends is very, very hard.

Good night, sweet dreams.......... Love you all bunches!

Stephanie

Resilient ??

Last night at the gym, I ran into a mom I haven't seen in quite some time. Her name is Amy. You know when I run into someone I haven't seen in a long time, why must I feel the need to share "how I've been" feeling and "what I've been through"? Isn't it enough to pick up and talk about how the kids are doing? I told her as I was leaving the gym how resilient kids are and they seem to be able to pick up the pieces. Kids seem so strong and tough. She reminded me that "so are we". We are resilient. We are? Oh, yes, we are; aren't we? She made me think of a point. And it started me thinking. I, we, will get through this.

I also shared with Amy that the hardest part is being alone. You know not seeing or talking to people. Me and my sisters were glued at the hip, we were together, we were talking or texting or something. And we still do that. Don't get me wrong. It just isn't the same. I miss that so much. And I miss all of you that I talked to way more than I do these days. Well, guess what people? Today I got a voicemail message from one of those special people. Her message said this: "Stephanie (my last name), this is your favorite aunt, just calling to check on you and see how you are. I love you. Talk to you later. Bye" Can I tell you how much that made my day? It so totally did.........

Tonight the shirt I put on to go to the gym was one of the many that I must have washed and Mom and Dad's.............. and oh my goodness, the smells........... it takes me back and makes memories come rushing back to me. Happy times.

The other hard part sometimes for me is seeing everyone so happy and going about doing everyday things. I mean, don't they know my dad just died? He did, he really did. I want to drag them down with me. I want them to hurt as much as me. I know many of them have been there themselves. It just seems so odd. You want everyone you see and meet and talk to to get "where you are coming from". You want them to understand. I know that this too is a phase and it will pass. We will get through this.

Guess what else does not feel right? There have been no small people in my house since Sunday night at 7:00 pm. You read that correctly. They have been abducted by their other grandparents and rumor has it that they have spent some time around Austin, Texas. I talked to my sweet baby girl tonight and she was ready to come home. She was home sick. The house is really, really quiet.

My sweet sisters are together in Austin as I type. Hanging out. They will be back in the DFW area tomorrow. I cannot wait for all of us to be together this weekend for Easter. And my kids will get to meet the newest members of the Bailey house. And, I promise, that I will post the pictures of the cake and snow and many other things. I'm just hoping for you guys that these aren't the type of promises that like so many around the Bailey house and abound fall into the category of "broken promises".

Must go take a nice long bubble bath and enjoy the rest time in the house without the small people.

Love always,
Stepahnie

Hangin' Out with Family

Finally got to see my sister Lauren for the first time since Dad passed away yesterday. Hugs, the ones that say more than words from that sister of mine. Really cool stuff. The kids and I hung out with Mom, Matt and Lauren yesterday. We ordered pizza. Yep, from two different places. Dominos for Lue and Matt and Pizza Hut for me and the kids and Mom. Yummy stuff. Then it was a movie and wine and yummy snacks for me and Lauren and Mac and Cheese and Beans and popcorn and movies for the kids. Lauren and I also got out and ran a few errands. It was somewhat like old times. It was definitely good to be together with family. Nana and Hannah worked on Hannah's sewing maching for the first time. Fun, fun stuff. Hannah and Nana even went to Wal-mart together. Mom got to see our pantry for the first time. She said it was really cool. Then she said she wished that Dad would've been able to see it. Sad, really. I told her that Dad did get to see it and we talked about it as it was being built. Dad even helped me find the painter. He saw pictures of it too............ still not the same. Some things will just never be the same, ever.

and to you I say.. I shall remain strong

Lauren here..

I think I have gone through more emotions in the past few days than some may go through in months or heck a year. Tyler is about to board that plane to Kuwait and then will eventually be in Iraq til December-ish. That means he is really gone.. gone.. gone.. But don't worry. I am being strong and supportive for that boy. Couldn't love him anymore, very proud of him. PLEASE keep him and his family in your prayers. Here is a picture of Tyler and I if you want to put a name with a face...

School is rough. Its kicking my butt. If you don't know me, pre-cancer I was studious, I could sit down and study for a test, do my homework... I loved to learn about biology, it interested me. I am struggling right now getting back to life, back to Lauren. It is frustrating to not be able to sit down and study. I am so behind right now. It is frustrating not being me.
I just wish so much that I could talk to my dad right now. I need him. Just to say everything will be alright baby girl.
I miss you Dad.

I should be...........

I should be getting ready for work. Should be, should be. We all should be doing something else but some times we just can't. Like studying or who knows what else. I know I should be picking up where I left off and living. I know that. My body just doesn't want to some days. It just wants to be and not have to put any more emotional energy into anything more than getting up, getting dressed and chilling out.

Hayden has a school program tonight. Should be cute.

My in laws are sick with bad colds and coughs. Might not look well for the start of the kid's Spring Break.

For all of you prayer warriors out there. Please pray for Lauren's Tyler. He leaves in a few days for Iraq, eventually. Add him to any prayer lists you know of. Lift him up. And, it wouldn't hurt to add us too to this list.

I now have seven minutes to be ready to take the kids to school. Ugh...............

Bad, bad mommy........

Stephanie here. No early night for me. It is now 12:46 am and I have NOT adjusted to the time change. There are a few positivies for this one bad, bad mommy that Hannah called a "mean mommy":

• All of the clean laundry is folded. Yeah!!! It is not put away but at least it is folded. As I was folding laundry I ran across the pajama pants that Dad told me "never to wear again" and I had to chuckle on the inside. I'm not quite sure why he said that. I mean, they are cute Old Navy sleep pants.
• Today is Wednesday, the only day that both of my kids buy their lunch
• Today I get to go eat lunch with the president of our company which means I don't have to worry about my lunch either
• Today I am working out with my Personal Trainer. I hope I don't pass out.

Right now, my mind is wide awake but my body is exhausted. And I have a confession to make. Tonight I was a very bad mom. I just needed quiet. I just wanted everyone to get there stuff done without any assistance. You know every mom's dream. For all of the little people in the house to do the following: know it was time to put on PJs and take showers and read and do homework and just do it. And, not complain or try to get out of it. I just wanted to curl in a ball and do nothing. I didn't want to be a mommy. So, what does one do when presented with this situation. Are they sweet, do they smile do they love that much more? No, they yell and the scream and they threaten galore. (this does remind me of the How do Dinosaurs Books by Mark Teague (I think)) I feel terrible but I guess the end result was sweet. My entire family fell asleep (Kevin, Hannah & Hayden) in the master bedroom in our QUEEN bed watching what else, HGTV. Well, me, still awake. I think though that after I tell all of you bloggers out there sweet dreams I will fall asleep somewhere. I cannot believe that this past Sunday has been a a month since Dad went to Heaven. It really doesn't seem possible. But then on the other hand it does. Lauren will be coming home for Spring Break this Friday. Keep her close as she does this. It will be weird and sad and so many more emotions as she comes home to the Bailey house for the first time. There are so many firsts.............. but thankfully with that there are so many memories. I am trying to make sure that we keep those memories close.......... Sweet dreams....

New Members of the Bailey Family

Hello everyone.

The Bailey house has two new members to its family. They are of the four legged kind. Two cute kittens for Mom and Matt to love and help them begin to heal. Once I move to the age of this technology, I will figure out how to post their pictures.

Life around my house is slowy getting back to some type of normal. I still have moments where I freeze and forget to breathe. I went to the gym last night for the first time in I can't remember when. As I was on the treadmill I remembered one time at the gym unplugging a treadmill so I could charge my phone "in case Dad called" and then calling him as I was leaving the gym. I think the memories will be in every little portion of life whether it is something we did with Dad or something he said. It is all so strange. It still doesn't feel right to not have to check in with Dad or my sisters. Very, very strange.

Hannah went to talk with our school counselor. I was glad for that. She read Hannah a book called Lifetimes. Hannah was glad to talk with her. Hayden has gotten to where he DOES not like to go to sleep. Thinks it is boring. I know with him that is nothing new but I can't help but worry that he might be worried about death just a little bit. I know kids are pretty tough.

Anyhow, I did have another dream about Dad. I'm sleeping okay I think. I'm just exhausted from the emotions of it all. I am ready for bed right now at 7:00. Of course that is not going to happen. There are little girls to pick up from dance and homework to supervise and baths to get and clothes to fold. I know don't do to much. I'm not. I'm just trying to keep my head above water.

Until next time,
Stephanie

The dentist, a place to heal?

Who knew that going to the dentist would be a place to break down and cry and start to let the tears go and begin to heal? Oh, yes. The dentist office and a decision and no papa bear to call. As you know, my top two right teeth, your chewing molars, have huge cavities. I was going to have one of them pulled and do a root canal on the other tooth. However, when I arrived at the dentist office I was so nervous and I had second thoughts about pulling that tooth. I wanted to talk it over with someone. I needed to call Dad and have him listen to me run through my pros and cons. But I could not talk to him. Oh, how I wanted to. And so the tears came more and more. I believe the dentist's office staff just thought I was nervous. Oh, how wrong they were.

I called the dentist back in and he and I talked. He told me that if I needed a 2nd opinion I should get it. I told him that I did not doubt his professional opinion but I was working through some emotional stuff. The person I needed to seek advise from I could not. He was gone. I then called Mom and she did not have life experiences to draw from. Mom suggested I call Shirley. Thankfully, Shirley answered her cell and I boo who cried to her. Shirley told me that she thought I should do root canals on both teeth and save them. She knew that Dad would tell me the same thing. So I hung up with her and let them no that there would be no teeth pulling today.

We started the root canal process.

So, long story short, I did a first today. I had a huge big life event and I made it through. And I started the process of doing many many firsts of things without Dad or where I cannot draw upon him. I think this has to be the hardest part not being able to call him and run something by him and have him listen to me. He would always listen. I know I am a big girl. I know I need to made decisions and stand on my own two feet. But, I just needed my Daddy. Thank you Aunt Shirley for listening to your crazy niece. Thank, you thank you.

When I left the dentist's office I cried some more. The coolest part about the dentist was that while I was getting my teeth worked on I could watch TV. They have the coolest TVs mounted on the ceiling, And guess what channel I watched most of the time? HGTV, of course. And I guess that was my way of having Dad with me. I have 4 more appointments before this is all said and done. Ugh, ugh. My mouth was in a lot of pain this afternoon and tonight but with some time it is getting better.

And, the next coolest part about going to the dentist for this was that I had a McDonalds Chocolate shake for lunch because my mouth was numb and chewing made my mouth a danger to me. As I ordered the chocolate shakes I remembered walking to McDonalds by Baylor Hospital to get chocolate shakes for my sweet sisters. Isn't crazy how something so normal as ordering a shake can bring back the memories? I guess the cool thing about memories is that you will have them in your heart forever.

Off to snuggle up and finish journaling my text messages. That has also been somewhat healing. To go through and relive every little moment and memory as if to not forget and to grieve about every memory and to begin to heal.

To my sweet sisters and brother and mama bear. I love you very very much. I miss you all and am here for you when and if you need to talk.

Stephanie

Sweet Dreams

Okay, you've had fair warning. Below is the song Hannah wrote and sung to me about Granddad dying. I've only modified the spelling of the the words to make it easier for everyone to follow. She told me that Kevin helped her with the rhyming words but it was her ideas. The words are really sweet. I only wish you could hear her sing it to you too.

Sweet Dreams

I know you're not in any pain

But that feeeling still rushing down my vein and

I know but why did you have to go?

Sweet Dreams, Sweet Dreams to you and your family.

Sweet Dreams.

You passed away now I'm feeling so gray

Why did it have to be that way?

But Sweet Dreams, Sweet Dreams to you and your family.

Sweet Dreams.

You'll still be in my mind but soon I'll have to leave the past
behind

Living a life without you is harder than I thought

You gone is making my stomach in a knot

Being able to see the smile on your face

Make me want to put securely in a case

Seeing you in a hospital bed

makes me wonder in my head

If it will soon be

Sweet dreams, sweet dreams, sweet dreams

you'll be inside of me

Sweet dreams, sweet dreams

To: Mommy

Questions, Decisions and The Song

I am so nervous tonight. I have an appointment with the dentist to get one tooth pulled and then do a root canal on the other. I'm nervous as is this the right decision. I want so badly to call and run it by Dad. Or for him to tell me I made the right choice and it will be okay. Do whatever you think you need to do. I guess I will replay that tomorrow in my mind.

It snowed again here today. It was beautiful and grey all at the same time. The past few days I have been going through my cell phone and reading old text message from while Dad was sick. I'm reading them and writing them down in a journal format. So far it has brought a smile to my face and sadness to my heart all at the same time. In reading towards the end it makes me realize even more how sick he was here on earth. It was and is hard to see because I am selfish and I want him here. I want him with us. Helping us. Supporting us. I worry about my Mama Bear. I know she is strong. I am checking on her. But who will be there on the other end to question and call her and make sure she is leaving work and all those things that Dad used to do. What about that?

The kids and I made a snowman tonight. He was cute. Can't remember his name though. It looks like another no snow day for the kids tomorrow as I believe the temps will stay above freezing tonight. I wil lhave lots of pictures to share hopefully soon. I still can't find my camera cord to download the pictures. It will turn up right?

I will save the song for another post. It needs an entry all its own.

Reality & Changes

You know it hits you when you know you'll never see Dad walk into to a room again. I mean we know this but it is just really starting to sink in. He'll never come into the dining room and take his seat at head of the table. Or help fluff for a meal. It brings about so many questions as to what to do during these times. This year I think we will work on maybe maybe many new memories before hitting the old ones head on. Next year I might be better able to handle those.

I am home right now for lunch. I do not want to go back to the office. I feel blah today. It could have something to do with a high blood sugar due to a problem with equipment that I should've picked up on much earlier. I just didn't think it was that. My mind must be cloudy today.

You know the reality hits you when you call home to Mom and Dads. Or Mom calls for that matter. And the phone rings and rings and rings and rings and rings. Come on, I know you've been there. In the past, SOMEONE answered. Maybe it was me or Jill or Lauren or Dad or even Mom but someone answered. Phone answering does not seem to be said priority for one brother that we love very much. Seriously bubba, if you don't want an all points bullletin next time you are MIA, you might want to change a FEW things. And then the kicker, which I need to remind Mom about is that when that no one answers call notes comes on the line and says "Michael Bailey" is not available. The hard part is that it is Dad saying his name in his own voice. He is not available. That we get. We are almost working on accepting some of these changes.

There is a memory in Dad in almost everything I do from wiping off my glasses to using Burt's Bees Chapstick on my lips. Bittersweet.

Must go eat and check my sugar again to see where I stand and take something for this headache.

Hope you have a super Tuesday and if you are going to you have voted.

Stephanie

Never give up... never surrender...

For all that do not know where the title originates it is from Galaxy Quest... That is the movie that our Papa Bear just loved. We watched it all night.. just put it on repeat. It was comforting..

Funny is that Galaxy Quest was on HBO today. I happened upon it so I had to DVR it. It is just so familiar, so Dad. Jill is watching it tonight as well. It has kept me company tonight as I attempted to be a student. Right now I am still going through the motions...

Happy Birthday Papa Bear... I love you to the moon and back... I miss you

To my momma, sisters, and brother....

I LOVE YOU

63 things about Mike

The kids and I started this list of things about Dad and Granddad. Their contributions are in blue. Hayden got tired I think and interested in a Mavs game. I think it is somewhat harder for him to talk about things. Hannah was busy with homework. So, I wanted to finish and post so it would be posted on his birthday. Hayden says we will add one thing to the list each year. And the other tradition we will start is making a contribution to an organization in Dad's memory. I just haven't figured out where yet. So, here is the list............

1. Born on March 3, 1945
2. Liked drinking DejaBlue Water.
3. He was very nice.
4. Loving his family.
5. Sailing.
6. He was a Lambda Chi.
7. Loving his four sisters, he took care of them when and how he could.
8. Has six nephews.
9. Has four nieces.
10. Having an extensive sailboat collection.
11. He was in the Navy.
12. Loving chocolate cake, every birthday.
13. Being a great friend to many........
14. Eating mac & cheese, creamy mac and cheese, only creamy mac & cheese, he loved creamy mac & cheese..... Oh, and toast with jelly or jam.......... but not apple butter.
15. Drinking coffee with half & half and sweet n low.
16. Watching Dallas Cowboys football.
17. Galaxy Quest, the movie, he liked that movie, you know on his birthday Lauren sent a text to Jill that it was on HBO today, how appropriate.........
18. HGTV, he liked almost all episodes on HGTV
19. Watching old movies
20. Taking us to school in his bathrobe and getting in a fender bender on the way home, oops!
21. Watching movies with Matt
22. Calling to check in with his wife to see when she was coming home
23. Family dinners
24. His smile and laugh and warm hug
25. Thanksgiving with formal place settings and name cards
26. Christmas morning & cinnamon rolls & Orange Juice, and special Christmas gifts in our stockings, usually money to go shopping the day after Christmas......
27. They day Lauren was born, oh, the memories
28. Reading Time magazine and magazines in general
29. Calling to check in with you to see how you were doing
30. Signing his name to your birthday cards "Love Dad"
31. Waiting up for you to come home............
32. Getting his opinion that you needed to help you with life's decisions
33. Worrying about you
34. Being there for our high school graduations
35. Reading the Sunday morning funnies every Sunday
36. Watching many soccer games and tournaments, and coming to dance recitals for his kids and granddaughter
37. Loving us, loving us, loving us.....................
38. Reading the newspaper everyday till the very end
39. Watching Dallas Mavericks basketball and Dallas Stars Hockey
40. Celebrating his birthday at Steak N Ale
41. Helping us with our homework
42. Taking care of his grand babies
43. Reassuring us it would be okay, especially when I was scared before Hannah was born and I was about to have surgery, a c-section.
44. Not eating off paper plates! Nope, no paper plates!!!
45. Saying "hello..........hello............" and "hey, hey"
46. Eating Rice Krispies
47. Fluffing the house. Always.
48. Never liking clutter.
49. Always loving the doggie Laddie that was evident with how much toast and eggs and grits he shared with Laddie. Don't ever let his bark fool you. He loved those doggies, Maggie too.
50. Wanting to be surrounded by family.
51. Singing the John Denver song "Take me Home, Country Road"
52. Sharing his birthday with his interior designer friend, Judy
53. Taking care of his wife "Wake up Shannon!"
54. Making sure his kids were up when they needed to be, ALWAYS..... (sorry to my hubby Kevin, I was very spoiled for very long........ thank you for continuing to spoil me)
55. Taking and making time for family reunions
56. Calling his Mom on Sundays, his niece Kim remembered this when she lived with Mamaw. Mamaw always looked forward to those calls.
57. Watching Matt & Lauren sleep. He said they looked so peaceful.
58. Snuggling with Hannah and Hayden, his babies........... always
59. Loving his nephews like his own kids
60. Remembering birthdays, especially his mom's even when he was in the hospital this past year, he made sure we had something sent from him........
61. Loving us not matter what we did, totally unconditionally
62. Eggs & Grits, but only over easy eggs and grits.
63. He is 63 now in heaven, healed from cancer.

Good night all. My head hurts. My throat hurts and my heart aches. So I must go to bed.

Happy Birthday Papa Bear

Dear Papa Bear. Today is your birthday. I miss you very, very much. We all miss you very, very much. Your granddaughter is making sure we remember you today and celebrate with all of the things you loved. She is convinced that you talked to God and Mother Nature and sent snow on your special day. Today you turn 63 in heaven, cancer free. Cancer free and 63.............. I just wish you could be celebrating here with us.......... you don't know how much I really wish that to be true............

How did I make it through today without falling apart???? I think the only way was by keeping VERY busy. I went to a meeting at the kid's school and I kept incredibly focused and busy at work. No ADHD here. Nope, not today. My aunts would be SO proud of me and I think so would my Papa Bear. I went back and forth from feeling like one minute I was okay and then the next minutes like feeling I was about to fall apart. I stopped at Wal-mart to buy some stuff to finish making our heart cake and I almost went in circles trying to find everything. It is just sometimes that feeling of being totally LOST in place that should find yourself totally together. And, then I came home and Hayden was coping with everything by getting louder and louder and I needed QUIET and Hannah was some where in between. And then Hannah splashed the powdered sugar on the counter from making the icing for the cake and guess where it ended up, splattered all over the WOOD floors................. and that is just how I feel some days............ SPLATTERED.................

The hardest part about today was when I got off work and it was starting to sleet and I wanted to call Dad and ask him if Mom should still try to come to Hayen's game or what he thought about this or that. Dad was always the one I found myself calling for different things like that. Little girls and even big girls call on their daddies for that. Daddies always have the answers to everything you ask them. EVERYTHING. And even if they don't have the answers they make you think that they do. Case in point like Dad telling us everything was fine with his health when it really wasn't and we totally believed him. But I guess Dad's really do know what is best.


I managed to pick my kids up okay from school. They were very excited that it was snowing. On the way to pick them up I called Pizza Hut and ordered dinner. Hayden had a game tonight and I had a celebration to continue to plan so I would not have time to prepare dinner "at home". On the way to Pizza Hut, the kids started talking about Granddad's favorite things that we should have for the celebration. Hayden said we needed to have DejaBlue water because that was Granddad's favorite water. Well, not really it was just easy for him to drink, and so that is what the kids associated that with. So, on the way home from basketball Kevin stopped and bought us some DejaBlue water. Hannah said we should have toast. And Hayden said we should have Mac & Cheese. So, as you you will soon see see from the photos with the cake (I cannot find my cord to download pics from my camera so those will have to wait for another day - I am also missing several other things I need to return, I am very scattered), those things made it into the celebration of Heart Day, sort of. I reminded the kids that those things were somewhat Granddad's favorites towards the end of life but if he really ate his favorite it might be Chicken N Dumplings or Steak.............. Hayden was very excited when he thought we were going to eat steak for REAL for dinner. It is really amazing to me the things they remember about their Granddad.

Speaking of the kids, they defnitely lighten the mood somewhat. That is a good thing. Tonight Hannah's knock knock joke:

Knock knock, who's there. Juicy, Juicy who. Did you juicy the snow outside?

Okay, maybe you had to be there. I think I might be missing part of her punch line.

When we got home from Hayden's game it was REALLY snowing so we played out side. Hannah is still convinced that Granddad sent the show. I think it is really sweet way to think about today. We are sprinkled with his love today. And, to draw the connections closer it snowed on the day Hannah was born and then on Granddad's birthday. Anyhow, Hayden fell asleep before we got to have cake and hot chocolate. Hannah wasn't far behind him. So we'll have cake tomorrow.

I did manage to watch some late night TV and oh, yes, have COFFEE..........

Hugs, Papa Bear.........I love you to the moon and back. Happy Birthday.

Your daughter, Stephanie