broken threads

just want to write to say good night to everyone. so, good night. i know that most of you are already sleeping. there are really no new things to report on the bailey front. I don't want to keep writing the same old lines over and over and over again. And that line playing on repeat would be this: I miss dad. I miss the relationships that come with dad, I miss my family and my extended family. I miss the connection that comes wtih having dad here, that common bond and thread that ties us and keeps us together. I get to talk to lots of you on a regular basis and I appreciate that you listen to me. I feel together but apart from so much right now. Like now, my grandmother has decided to take a visit and go for a bit to Arkansas. While she is there, they are getting things ready her to be safe. If Dad was here and able, I know he would be down there helping to intsall grab bars and what not. He would be a part. It makes me sad and mad that he doesn't get to do that.

Most importantly, i've been very reflective these past few days. Reading through the journals we kept while we were taking care of dad Some things bring a smile and others a tear. Thankfully we wrote and kept some of the funny things Dad said. that makes some of this remembering easier. You know, my sisters and I did not see each other like every week before Dad was sick but you know after having spent that much time together even for the reasons we were together, I miss them a lot. It was that constant support, a hug, a cup of coffee, special homemade hot chocolate or that extra push you needed to make it through the really tough times. Now, I guess, it is the really tough times for different reasons and I'm thankful my sisters are here for me. I might not always be able to communicate my thoughts in a way that it makes it easy to understand everything that is going on and I might take you down some paths that make no sense but most importantly i am thankful that you are here to listen, to give hugs and to just be there. Seriously.

Loads we carry

I filled out a survey on our hospice provider recently. One of the questions they asked was "While patient was under the care of ________ (insert provider name) did you participate in taking care of him/her?" Seriously. I laughed. Did we participate? Of course we did. 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. That is pretty much all we did. We didn't do very much else. So, the answer to the question is not just yeah, but hell yeah.

And the quote for today "It's not the load that breaks you down, it's the way you carry it." Lena Horne (1917 - ) American actress and singer

This load we are all carrying is hard but I guess there is some truth to that quote. It is how we choose to carry all of this that matters. I talked to one of Dad's fraternity brothers today. He is a dentist so I called in a favor as brother bear of this house needs some dental work. He asked me "How are you doing" and I seriously really didn't know how to answer. Was he really asking about us and all that has happened or was it just a casual question? I told him I was doing fine and things are just hard. He shared about a loss he had in his family and we shared how it changes almost everything and it makes things hard. He understood where I was coming from thankfully. He said to tell Mom hello.

And this quote "The life of man is like a game with dice; if you don't get the throw you want, you must show your skill in making the best of the throw you get." --Terence This is so true - none of us wanted to loose Dad this soon or this early or be without him now. We wanted him here to participate with us and do all the things Dad did. To call and check up on his sisters and Mom and hang out with his grandkids and worry about us and call and check on us and come home to fluff the house and worry about my mom. But my take on this quote for THIS situation is that I have to be thankful for the time I got with him and cherish every single memory and moment.

Ending with this quote: "If you wish to travel far and fast, travel light. Take off all your envies, jealousies, unforgiveness, selfishness, and fears." -- Glenn Clark These are words that I can hear that Dad might of said to me, not in those exact words but he always had words of wisdom and ideas for whatever we sharted with him. I think those words and that quote is going to be helpful at least to me on moving forward on this journey."

Good night and God Bless............
Stephanie

September 21st

Yesterday was mom and dad's anniversary. Would have been their 40th. We weren't there with mom to give her a hug or listen or be there. Jill, Lauren and I called her but I know that wasn't the same. Mom was very upset and understandbly so. This is the hard part when there are occassions that when Dad was here were significant dates that you marked on your calendar and made a special time to do something or celebrate. What do you do with those days now? How do you mark them? How do remember and not be so sad? I remember their anniversary last year. It was the same day that Kevin and the kids and I took Matt out for his birthday. Mom was making steak and some other yummy foods. Dad wasn't feeling much up to eating and I'm not even sure if they really had an anniversary celebration in the traditional sense. But none the less, they were together even under really bad circumstances. And now, not so much. I'm trying not to be sad but be happy but I think the tears are good for working through this thing called grief.

Hannah just came in and asked me to lay down with her and so I'm off to get ready for bed. Just when you need it a knock on your heart to stop the tears.........

Good night all, sleep tight,
Stephanie

Happy Birthday Brother Bear, September 18

Yes, the only brother bear of the Bailey household turned 26 years old yesterday. I can remember the day he was born. Mom and especially Dad were so excited. Jill and I were too. Happy memories.

I remember Matt's birthday last year. Kevin and the kids and I took him to Steak N Ale. Dad wasn't up to getting out. We got to listen to the North Texas Jazz band play there. After eating we ran by mom and dads to visit for a few minutes. I remember the conversation with Kevin and the kids that it would be for just a few minutes. When it comes to family it is hard for me to leave and keep those promises of staying just a short time. However, I am so very grateful that I went and we visited for who knew that there would be no more September 18ths with Dad around to share the joy.

I am very sad tonight. Very, very sad. I can't put my finger on exactly why. Oh, I think I probably know a little bit but really I just want to scream "IT IS GOING TO BE OKAY" really it is. They say that as time passes, this gets easier but I'd like for someone to tell me how that is possible. Every year, every celebration, every get together is going to be somewhat of a reminder that he is missing. So, I'm working in my mind on creating new traditions and relationships and moving forward even if it is baby steps.

I still have the post it note hanging in my cube that says "Check blood sugar and call dad". It brings a smile to my face and makes me chuckle all at the same time. But again it makes me miss him and wish for one more conversation to be able to have him call to check in.

Sweet dreams friends family and loved ones.

No more phone calls

hello everyone.............. just things to share tonight

• On Sunday, I dialed Dad's old cell number, I still have it programmed in my phone as Dad's cell. Don't really know why I called that number. I know that Dad is not going to answer. But somehow I was hoping his old voicemail would come up and I could hear his voice. Didn't happen of course. The phone just rang and rang. On Monday I was sitting at my desk at work and my cell phone vibrated. So I turned it over and it said "Dad's cell" meaning that that was the number that was calling me. My heart dropped and just for about 1/2 a second I halfway expected Dad to really be on the other end of that call. Realtily knows that is not the case. Really, I do. I guess it is time to remove that number from my cell but I just really can't make myself. I am choosing to think that that was Dad's way of checking up on me....................
• Today, a really good friend of mine called me on the way to work. She was checking in. During the call I learned that she lost her Dad earlier this month. And as the told me I cried and it was almost like loosing my Dad all over again. My heart aches for her. I know too well the things that one will be asking themselves and the things the heart will miss. She sounded super strong on the phone. I ask that you send prayers her way for peace and comfort during this time and to let the wonderful memories surround her and her family.
• Saw a shiny penny and thought of dad, silly I know.

More to come, must get some much needed sleep. Good night and God bless,

Stephanie

Seven months ago yesterday

I meant to update this yesterday but time got away from me............

September 9, 2008

seven months ago, you were here with us.................. although on this day seven months ago you had really already left us. I can't believe it has been that long and then at times it feels just yesterday ................... I just still can't believe it is has been seven months without you here to listen and give us advise or help us with something. We are showing that we are able to do pretty good but it sure isn't easy. I can still remember almost every little detail of that evening into the morning you passed into heaven. I remember conversations, me and Jill and Lauren sitting in the living room floor looking thorugh pictures and the hospice home health aide opening the door to your room and motioning for us to come quickly and as we got up she was motioning for us to come even quicker because she knew you were going. I guess in my mind I knew that you would not be here much longer that week but it all just seemed so hard to grasp and in many ways it still is. I remembering freaking out when they so casually threw away all of your medicines and how we worked to get you ready for your final earthly journey. How sad it was to see you drive down the street never to return. And afterwards, everyone gathered to eat dinner. I really wasn't ready for all of that. I wanted to stay in your room to feel close to you so I watched Legally Blonde like we did so many nights. Except there were no requests for toast or food or water or coffee. No stalling to take your medicines. No smelly stuff, you know what that was............... Just movie and silence. Our family rallied around us..................... it was as if time just stood still for ever right after you passed away and then everything went on as if you were still here.............. that is the hardest part about all of this I think is having to pick up and move on because I know we have to but it just feels wrong doing it all without you. There is so much that I can't go into here but I know you know those issues. They are the same ones that you stayed up many a nights making lists about and worrying about and making Jill, Lue, and me promise we would do our best to take care of. We are keeping those promises although they are not easy. Love you Papa Bear.............

Missing You

Dear Dad, I'm really missing you tonight. Kevin's working late. I'm worried cause I can't talk to him. I so need you to tell me that it is fine, that everything is fine. I'm listening and I can hear you whispering that in my ear. You might just need to whisper a little louder. This weekend we painted Hannah's room and we did semi-gloss over semi-gloss and when it appeared to not be working I wanted to pick up the phone and call and ask you about it. Yes, I know that even though Kevin said it would be fine, but little girls still want to ask their daddy. Missing you. Missing you. Mom went to Austin to visit with Jill. But I know you knew that already. Matt starts his second session at Devry tomorrow. But you knew that already too. In fact, Mom is still in Austin now, she was busy working on refinishing something and it got too late so she decided to spend another night. She has a doctor appointment tomorrow at 10:00 in Rockwall so hopefully she gets on the road early. Tomorrow is her birthday, her first one without you, her true love. I remember vividly her birthday last year. Do you? We went to Red Lobster and you were cold. So, we got you a jacket. I was looking through the pictures from that time this weekend and remembering everything. And, how Mom chose that place because nothing was sounding good to you and how you didn't eat much anyway. Steak N Ale, our "birthday" gathering place closed down this summer. I'm sad for the employees and the people who liked to eat there but glad that we don't have to face going there without you. What else, Lue sits for the GRE on Wednesday. Whisper good words for her. Jill is busy working on closing on buying her first place. Big changes there for her. She is excited and starting to take a look at things she might not want to move. So, we are all busy moving forward, with every step, it is so hard, knowing you are not hear to share all of our good and not so good things with. So, as we trudge on whisper down from Heavn a few more "It'll be okays" for me, I miss you so..........

Stephanie