Halloween Reflections

Hippie girl and her Aunt ???

Spiderman and ????, Halloween 2007

Evening everyone. Tomorrow is Halloween. Are your costumes ready? I have to admit that I can relate to the feeling of this mom. Her loss is much different in that she recently lost her twins; however, to some degree I think that no matter what the loss to some extent we all experience some of the same feelings. I can relate to her words from one post on one of her recent blogs: "Halloween has been a little lost on me this year. I’m sure it seems lame but every time I think of Halloween, I think about the fact that right now, at this time last year…we conceived James and Jake." I can relate, last year at this time, I was running around with Jill and Lue, talking turns at the hospital, soaking in every minute. So, last year for Halloween the kids and I and Kevin after we trick or treated in our neighborhood went up to the hospital. Lauren and Jill had wigs to make Halloween as festive as it could be considering where we were. Dad was excited to see his babies. Dad even trick or treated out of the kids candy. We took two cars so I could stay and visit after Kevin went home with the kids. As usual Jill and Lauren almost had to drag me to and put me into my car to make me leave. I didn't want to miss anything.

I'm finding that I'm having a hard time doing much of anything right now this year because I'm thinking back as to where I was last year, reflecting. That's just it. So I'm not stuck in the past, I'm just not so sure how to move forward.

Warning, pictures of Dad in the hospital follows, so if you don't want to see, don't continue reading, they are not bad.

Here is Dad, Halloween 2007, checking out the pictures that we sent to his phone (his grandbabies in their costumes, I think in this picture Lauren was making that his screen saver. I never really saw him as looking this thin then. Funny how pictures change those memories. He wasn't mad he was focusing on whatever the girl in the costume was showing him.

Other Bailey Updates

• Happy birthday to my Aunt Pam!!! I hope you had a wonderful day
• Dad's mom, my Memaw, is currently in the hospital. They are ruling out pneumonia. She should be released on Monday and after her release she is apparently going to head back to Arkansas.
• My mom is visiting a good friend of hers in Longview to celebrate her friends birthday. She left on Saturday and will be back today. Rumor has it they were going to head to Shreveport. So maybe good luck will pay off and she might win some $$$$$?
• My Baby sister #1 worked on packing up to move (fun, not so much) but in cleaning out one of her closets she found the dress she wore in my wedding and sent me a text message of her wearing it. Ah, memories.
• Baby sister #2 is headed to the DFW area next week. I'm hoping that Wednesday when she arrives Mom, me and she and my brother can meet up for dinner. I'm thinking of making something on Wednesday and having dinner here so we can visit and such. My kids love it when any of them come.

October 18, 2007

What is the importance of this date? Well, one year ago on this date, I was sitting in my cube at my office and the phone rings and it's mom as she says "We are taking Dad to the emergency room." You know with calmness and all that like it was all going to be okay. I hung up and pondered do I leave RIGHT now, what to do, what do do. I got a hold of Lauren who was driving home for fall break to visit with Mom and Dad and head then to Austin to hang with her sister Jill and ride bikes and chill. Fall break, right? Little did we all three know that day that that would be the beginning of life in Bailey land as we knew it. I mean we all knew that Dad had cancer. That more than likely it wasn't good. But October 18th really changed our lives forever. I worked and left a little early that day. Kevin picked up and took care of the kids, I'm sure they had some type of activity that day but for the life to me I cannot remember. As I look back on last fall I don't remember much of the details, just motions and important things that had to be done.

Yesterday, October 18, 2008, was the kid's fall carnival at school. Last year I did not attend because I was heading to the hosptial, trying to decide how/if to let the kids go to the hospital, what to say, what to do. Thankfully, my mother-n-law helped us out and worked the times I had volunteered to work. This year, I tried very hard yesterday not to remember back to where I was a year ago but it was hard. I'm thankful for the busy day of soccer games at 11:00 and working the carnival at 1:00 and volleyball at 3:00 to distract me from those other memories. At 7:00 last night Hannah and I left the school. I didn't feel like I did that much but yet every muscle I think I had hurt to some degree.

Last night after the University of Texas game ended, I looked at the clock. The time was 10:30 pm. I asked Kevin if he knew what I was doing last year at this time. He said yes, at the hospital. I think about that time Lauren and I were roaming the halls, visiting the Atrium for Starbucks for the first time on this part of the journey. We were looking for something for Dad to eat. And, we were waiting ever so patiently for him to be transferred to a room.

So, I wonder, if these dates on the calendar will always hold these type of memories or as time fades will those dates change their meaning? Part of me hopes so and the other part is not sure what to think.

October 9, 2008

I meant to update the site last Thursday but didn't. Last Thursday was 8 months since Dad took his last breath here on earth. Sometimes that seems like forever, like a time that has been a lifetime since I experienced it and others it seems like it was just yesterday. There are so many things I am scared I am going to forget. Like the sound of his voice or his smell. Mom gave me one of his machines (medical in nature) that we are going to try and put on craigslist or eBay. I had it in my car for over a week and finally brought it in the house last night. And, when I did I stood in the kitchen and sobbed and sobbed. The smell of Dad and the fact that he was no longer here to use it. I was overwhelmed with so many emotions.

The holidays are fastly approaching and the Baileys are all very busy taking care of thing. I'm looking forward to the holidays but I'm scared of all that will come with celebrating those many firsts. I will need to be there and happy and not sad because I know that Dad would have wanted me to be happy for my kids and my siblings. I'm hoping that how we spent Dad's last holidays will not cloud the many memories of all of the great holidays before that. I won't let it. I won't. I will try to laugh when I want to cry and remember last year Jill and Lue and Mark working diligently to figure out the way for the wheel chair to go everywhere in the house and making sure that the house was picked up and fluffed only to have to sit with Dad for 50 plus minutes to try and convince him to get in the wheelchair and come to the table with us. And to reheat the food at least three times before we ate. And I will laugh at his crazy responses to us when Mom asked him "Mike don't you want to see the new dishwasher" when he replied "Yes, it is ALL about the dishwasher" with true Mike Bailey sarcasm. I will treasure the memories that we even under the worst of circumstances we were together and we were family and we were there for each other. And that my friends is all that matters.