Happy Father's Day

Dear Dad,

Wishing and hoping your first Father's Day in heaven was a good one. I miss you terribly. My sisters do too. Not sure about my brother. He's a tough one to figure out. We are working on helping him though like we promised. It is just not easy.

Here we all are on Fathers Day 2007. Our last meal together at this table, well not the last if you count Thanksgiving which I don't because, well, Dad you didn't actually sit with us and eat. Anyhow, looking back at this photo it is precious to me. You are dressed and handsome and put together even though I know you really didn't feel all that great.

Fathers's Day 2007

Father's day for kevin. Traditional breakfast in bed. Yum. Newspaper, check. Gifts and cards from his kids and wife: Shorts and shirt for Hawaii and crocs. Kevin's best gift I think on Father's Day was going home after recital to chill for a few hours while Hannah, Hayden and I watched the rest of the recital. That was really all Kevin wanted for Father's Day was some peace and quiet. No answering millions of questions. Hayden wasn't really happy with giving that gift to his father but I think his Daddy enjoyed the gift. At least I'm hoping Kevin enjoyed the gift because Hayden made the recital not very much fun for me and Hannah by asking almost every third song "Can we go now?"

I tried not to miss not celebrating with you on Father's Day by keeping busy with Hannah and all that goes along with her dance recital. I remember you coming last year. You were not feeling well. I tried to push that memory to the back of my mind. I cried during the senior farewell song and dance where the student danced with her teacher. The song was about memories and love.

I still owe my father n law a present for Fathers Day. Kevin took his Dad and Mom out to eat. It just worked out that I had to take Hannah over to a volleyball/swim party and Mom and I went out to eat instead. I don't really know that I was up to celebrating in that way this year. I think it would have been too much. Don't get me wrong I do love my father n law. Most of the time (smile). .........................

Dad, keep looking over us, we are all going through a lot and it would mean a lot to feel your presence just a little bit and if you could whisper "it will be okay" a few times every now and then, that would be even better.

I hope all of the rest of you dad's out there had a wonderful father's day too!

Stephanie

Dreams

Wasn't feeling good last night. Had trouble sleeping. When I was asleep I had several dreams. The first was of getting Hannah ready to dance at festival. Couldn't find her costumes anywhere. Took her to the festival. While there we got wrapped up in the festival. Not sure if she even danced. Then one of my aunts took her home to get ready for her 2nd dance and I let her off to find her own way to the stage. Not typical of me at all. Very unsettling actually. I guess these are the things on my mind since this weekend is Hannah's dance recital. Getting organized and making sure we have EVERYTHING and nothing is missing. All the tights, make up and hair items all ready to go and lined up. You know you only generally have less than five minutes to change hair, tights and costume. We have it pretty well down to a science but you know...........

The other dream was going on vacation. Dad was there driving us to the hotel. I can't really get a feel for where we were but there were bodies of water, beautiful trees, etc. Maybe Colorado or Arkansas. Can't tell. Yes, Dad was there, securing reservations for his family. Checking out of one room and moving to another because more of his family had arrived. Matt was there too, in tow, following closely behind Dad's footsteps, never too far behind. Jill and Lauren were there too, checking out the resort dinner, ........................ then the dream switches more to a house environment with a kitchen and Arbonne. Mom was there and there were others that I did not recognize and conversation and fellowship. Not sure what to think about that except it was good to see Dad in my dreams like he was before he got sick. Picture of Dad's birthday below and this is exactly how I saw him in my dreams..............

Dad's Birthday 2006

Still not feeling good. Am off now to get my you know what to work. Sent e-mail to my boss. Hope he checks it.

Happy middle of the week to everyone.

Memories

Not much is new at the Bailey household. Jill and Mark visited Mom on Saturday and went to Texas Motor Speedway Saturday evening. Me, well I forgot they were in town until it was too late to visit them. I was glad Jill got a good visit in with Mom.

Lauren is getting settled at her new apartment. The kids and I plan on visiting her later this summer after indoor soccer season is over and my scooter comes in (kidding guys, kidding). Matt headed down to Austin for one night and is flying back to Dallas this evening. Mom was ALONE for the first time in I'm not sure how many years. Well, I guess alone is not really true, she was there with Maggie, Laddie, Buddy and Bear. But no adult conversation or anything like that.

Matt is set to start school July 9th I believe. I am still working on getting the money he should have received when he turned 21 from his accident when he fell on a playground when he was younger. It is not much but it will fill in the gaps for school and gas and some other things.

I miss my sisters terribly. I miss getting to see them on a regular basis. I miss our conversations. I miss their help in figuring out the most important thing then and that was rest, coffee and survivial. I miss the help and the friendships we had so much of while we were taking care of dad. Yes, much of it was survival but it was more the fact that you knew someone always had your back. Now, I don't feel like that too much. To my sisters: I love you very much and I am so very proud of both of you. Life just takes us in different directions. We will become stronger and better because of this. I'm just having one of those boo hoo days where I sure could use some Mark made French Press or Lue or Jill's hot chocolate. Seriously.

And I'm in a reflective mood.......... soaking in all of the lasts with my family as it was a family then. The picture below was taken on one of the many porches of the condo last year in Colorado. Family. That will never change. Look at the smiles on every one's faces....... I think Dad is even wearing my sweatshirt.

It has almost been one year since the whole family took the trip to Colorado. Mom, Dad, Matt and Lauren stayed at our house the night before the flight. Dad's last real trip that did not include hospitals. I saw many signs then that he was really sick but I guess my heart chose to ignore them. I clearly remember as Jill and Lauren planned this trip Dad saying something like "they are acting like this is going to be my last vacation" and I wonder if he really knew that it might or could be? Here is a picture of Mom and Dad at the airport right before we boarded the flight............ happy times......... memories

And the Bailey kids (well I still think of them as kids) - not the most flattering picture of my sweet brother bear but remember it was like 6:00 in the morning. And at least we had Starbucks...........

And grand kids as they boarded the flight and helped Granddad with his luggage.

It will be the good memories that gets us through the rough times. It really has to be what does.

And another night where I have become one of those moms who treats her computer like a child instead of "being a parent". Good thing my "barked orders" appear to have been obeyed. Only time and a few steps downstairs will tell. I'm heading downstairs and right to bed. My heart and head aches way too much tonight.

Stephanie

Wrong Turns

It seems our life has taken several wrong turns lately. I won't bore you guys with all of the details. It isn't even worth blogging about. It is just so true that death changes everything and trust me when I say everything. Relationships, finances, holidays, memories. All different. We are all dealing the best can be expected. I'll update you on the Bailey house more later. Mom and Matt are there. Life as we knew it is getting back on track for rest of us. Mom and Matt are there. Period.

Anyhow, back to my original story. A few weeks back I was to meet Lauren at the Studio Movie Grill off 75 in Dallas to see the movie Made of Honor. Matt was to pick Lauren up at the airport. I left work somewhat late (surprise, surprise) and headed to the movie with the awesome directions my sweet hubby gave me. I got a phone call that Matt still had not made it to the airport. He was LOST. Very lost. So, when Matt arrived 2 hours late to pick her up we had to revise our plans. Mom ended up meeting me in the parking lot of the movie theater. We decided to meet for dinner at Houston's. I split the bill with Mom. That place is expensive but the service is awesome and the food just as much. Lauren and I decided that we could catch the last showing of the movie at a different theater. It was a really, really good movie.

After leaving the movie, I take 75 and then being part of my somewhat directionally challenged family I ended up going the wrong way. I ended up going on to I-30 and figured and took the first exit to "turn" around. Well, there is no turning around when you exit 2nd street, just so you know. So, you are driving around in Fair Park. Yep, I was almost in tears. Serious tears. And then I look up and guess what guided me to out of the bad area? Yep, the blue outline of Roberts Hospital at Baylor. And so I debated on whether to park and go up and visit the night nurses and have my closure there. But instead, I sat under the bridge that we went over several times taking dad to radiation and sobbed. Serious sobs, gut wrenching. A good idea to be there by myself, not so much. Then I decided to get a drink at the McDonalds for one last closure stop. And, the line took forever. I went home and took a nice long hot bath. It was definitely the scenic route. Not the most direct. But as I realize as part of this journey there are a long of twists and turns that we do not predict in life or even want and that wrong turns, or right we have to make the best of the hand that we have been dealt.