Two Years Ago - October 18, 2007

October 18......... a day filled with celebration (my aunt's birthday).......... fall......... cooler weather........... but for me, it is the day that life that I knew it changed forever.

October 17, Dad was still Dad........of course, he had cancer but he could still get up and walk around. He could get in the car and come to my house. He could get up and hug me good bye. And, I will never forget exactly where I was on October 18 in 2007 . I was sitting in at my desk at my office working. Mom called me to say they were at the emergency room. And, me, being naive, thought..... it will be fine.......... I remember trying to rationalize that things good get better. Looking back though there were so many things that happened in the hospital that should have been clues that things were not "going" to get better at all............. Like which room we received at 6 Roberts or the location of where they put my dad. Yep, next to all "those" patients... not the ones that are "coming home". There was radiation for pallative reasons. But with all of that I still remember that no matter what my Dad had hope. Regardless of what he probably knew was coming he still did not give up that "we can do this attitude". After being released from the hospital he still wanted to see if they would do more radiaion.... I am trying to remember to live each day with that "can do" attitude. It is just harder some days that others....

I hate that my family had to endure this process but I am thankful for the many blessings that came out of this for me. Leaning on my sisters, family that was there for us and of course the many, many late nights of being up with my Dad. Taking care of him was one of the hardest things I've every done. But I would not change what we had to do for anything.

There is not a moment that goes by that I don't miss him.... And, I can always think of a reason why I could call him...... he was always there just to listen to what I needed to say and to never judge what I was thinking...... don't get me wrong, he had is opinions but he wanted your decision to be YOURS................ I know at my AGE I should be a GROWN UP and able to not go runnning to my dad but there is nothing like the comfort of your daddy's arms no matter how old you are.............. all of you girls out there know what I'm talking about...... Sometimes, you JUST need your DAD... and when he isn't here there is no amount of substitutes for him!!

So, as we enter into a new season of holidays and Thanksgiving, I am going to try and remember my blessings and be thankful for the extra time we had with Dad........... I will try hard to put a smile on my face and not fall into a deep slump that I can't get out off...... I will remember to put one foot in front of the other and that life goes on............. I will remember that I have a WONDEFUL HUSBAND and KIDS that NEED me. '

One would think that as time goes on this process would get easier; however, it just seems like it doesn't - there are just new challenges to face.
Hug you loved ones.... tell them how you feel and remember this Thanksgiving to count your blessing...........

Stephanie

That's all I know about that, Part II

Everytime I hear some one end a conversation with "that's all I know about that", my mind floods back to MANY conversations with Dad about many things. He would always end his conversations with you with a sign off "That's all I know about that". Makes me miss him and feel his presence when I hear someone say that. It is funny how such a simple thing can make you happy and sad all at the same time. There is a lot of that lately. It has been over a year since Dad went to Heaven. We are all working through things and healing the best we know how too. Some Baileys are starting new chapters in their lives. It is a different time. It is hard. Every smell and sound and thing at that place reminds me something about Dad. LIke this past weekend, I had a low blood sugar and Mom decided to check her sugar. And, when she did she brought out a ziploc baggie with glass cleaner stuff. And, everytime, I clean my classes that reminds me of Dad too. It is good to know that he is in everything that I do but sometimes, I wish I could get through a day of him not being so into everything because that just makes me miss him more. Happy Mothers Day to all of you Moms out there. Love your family and let the little things go. You never know what life my have in store for you tomorrow.

The Great Organization

Well, things have been busy around the Bailey house these past few days. Some of us started part time jobs. Jill, Mark, Lauren, Tyler, Kevin and I worked this past Sunday of finally going through all of the stuff that we removed from the storage buildings plus all of the stuff that had been added to the stuff outisde on the back patio. Lauren and Tyler made two trips to the dump to get ride of trash. They rocked. I know Dad would be so proud of us. Tyler and Lauren were on Spring Break this week so they visited with Mom and took her out to eat. There is now more Maggie May doggie at Bailey central. She is now a resident of the state where L lives. I know Lue is excited to have Maggie May with her. Jill is back home from helping. Must go, lots to do. Have to go through paperwork here and make lists of stuff to do tomorrow. The lists, they will never leave us alone.

Sad Day

Today, my grandmother, Jean Bailey Cromer but just Mamaw to me was called to heaven. Keep us close especially my sweet Aunts and cousins. I am thankful that I was able to talk to her on Tuesday and tell her that I loved her. I am sad that I was not able to get to visit with her one more time to take her a gift or send her flower or see her very special smile. I know that she was very proud of each one of us and loved us very much. I will post more as I know about arrangements and just ask that you pray for us all.

Birthday Plans

Dear Dad,
Hannah and I are trying to keep upbeat, knowing that tomorow you would have celebrated your64th birthday. We are thinking about what to do tomorrow. I know if you were we would celebrate with you at Steak N Ale or by making a yummy meal at home. Wouldn't you know that Steak N Ale closed down last year? This along with many other things will force us to start new traditions. Hannah has already decided that each year we will add a think to this post, kind if like adding another candle. Hannah has to take the TAKS test tomorrow. I told her that you would want her to be upbeat and happy and not sad because you are not here. But seriously Dad this is not an easy task. So, anyhow, we are off to bed (well not really). You could always call my bluff. You know that I'll probably be up for a I'm not going straight to bed. I have "stuff" to get ready for tomorrow. Hannah is going to write you a note too. (see below)
Love, Stephanie

Dear Granddad, i miss you so much, the first holidays i spent without you, i'm had a hard time getting through it especially because the taks is tommorrow in 4th i got a 97 and i hope i do better tommorow well i have to go to bed
i love you , hannah

Stephanie here again, Just tucked Hannah in to sleep. Seroiusly, who knew that kids would be so in tune to things. And, so tomorrow is another day. We will all be stonger, and better for it.

Off to look through binders and pack my lunch and take a shower and get to bed hopefully at a resaonable hour. I invited Mom over tomorow evening but she wasn't sure what the plans were. If she comes from work, then that Matt without anyone to hang out with on this day. I forgot to ask the kids if I should make a cake for Granddad. Last year, we did and it was more the symbolism in it and I don't think anyone but me (who didn't need ANY of it) actually ate it. We made the cake from scratch. So, if I need to make it I probably should do that tonight. And, for the record since I don't have all the ingredients, it would NOT be from scratch. We will probably have mac and cheese and all those other foods that "Granddad" ate that I know he liked but seriously were NOT his favorites.

Hug those you love, let the grudges go.... life is too short.

Stephanie

Missing You, Part II

I guess this is somewhat repetitive. I miss Dad. Especially at times like these when the weather is bad outside. I know if he was here he would be calling mom at the office and checking on her and calling her and calling her and making sure she was on her way home. It is not that I can't call and check on her, I can. It is not that I don't care. It is just that well, I get busy and I don't follow up like Dad would. You know Tuesday night the weather was bad and I didn't even fall up with her until I heard it sleeting outside. Luckily she was safe and sound at home. Yes, it is the little things that make you miss him even more.

And tonight, as I type this post, my brother is on his way to a job interview. And I am missing that Dad is not here to witness this occasion or to do all of the things I know that Dad would have done - like ask "what are you wearing?" "you're wearing that?" "do you plan on shaving?" To quiz him and do mock interviews with him. Mom and I did what we thought our part should have been. Mom ironed his shirt. Mom and I both did mock interview questions with him.

There is something crazy about these times that makes me want to talk to Dad. There are other times I long for conversation with him but these times just simply remind me even more that those conversations are to be no more. Period. And oh, how I do miss them. I think I'm even harder on myself because of the promises I made to Dad before he died. I know I cannot fill Dad's place but I can do my best to watch over his family and love them and check on them. I promised I will do my best. So, when it comes to walking someone through an interview I ask myself, did I do enough?

I think to that it is getting really close to Superbowl Sunday. This Sunday was the last time I had a conversation with Dad. Well, not a conversation, really, Dad knows what I'm talking about. Or maybe he doesn't because I think his mind was staring to slip somewhat and he was tired and frustrated. And, even though that conversation ended crazily I still know that Dad loved me. And, so, on Superbowl Sunday as we are getting ready to head to friends. I will remember that image of Superbowl of Mom and Dad resting. I will try push the "regret" friend away who keeps trying to visit me because I didn't go and give Dad a hug buy and hear his voice tell me he loved me one more time. I will instead cherish the memories that they got to get some good rest.

Good night all, say prayers tonight for brother bear................

It's a New Year

I'm having trouble believing it is 2009. It will take me some more time before I am able to write that without first making a 2008 and having to work to make it look like 2009. I cannot believe we are in a year that Dad has never lived in. That we will be doing things that he will not be a part of . That we will celebrate many firsts without him. That part is hard. It just dawned on me the other day that I'm not the only one it is hard for. You forget that the little people in your life are on this journey with you. And that they FEEL and that they get sad too. I don't know why, but you do. It was evident this past weekend when we FINALLY got down ALL of the holiday decorations and Hannah did not want to put her tree up. It was because her tree had decorations that Jill and Lauren made when Granddad was sick. I really believe that to her that was putting up the memories. I had to tell her that we will always have the memories. They will always be with us. Always.

As I move into 2009, Dad is in ever thing I pick up and touch - from the orange juice (remembering drinking oj last year to stay well to take care of him), to a movie (Galaxy Quest) to HGTV to simply making mac and cheese no matter where I am to exercising up in the loft on the eliptical remembering back Dad calling me on my cell (Fall 2007) to see when I would be heading to Mesquite. And, it is not a stop in your tracks can't move forward don't want to get out of bed sadness or anything like that, it is a part of who I am and who I have become because of this. Today I found myself a little more sad and went back to read over some of the blog entries from early 2008. I am so thankful we wrote down and kept this journal to help us to remember. I miss seeing my sisters......... having them there with me supporting me every step of the way.......... I know that they are supporting me now I just got so used to having them close. I think in missing them is missing a part of the old way, because having them together means he here with us............. I guess in wanting the three of us to be together is in a way wanting things to go back to how they were......... Life has taken us back to our paths............... that is good thing.............. I just wish it didn't make my heart hurt so much

Good night all,
Stephanie