"Family Turkays" and the Holidays

Holidays, oh, the holidays....... traditions............. I can't help but think of the holidays in these ways: before dad had cancer, when dad had cancer, the holidays when he was still able to get around, the holiday when he wasn't and the holidays now that Dad is in heaven.

I survived this year, Thanksgiving, my first of many firsts. My sisters and mom and brother were all together. My hubby's family too.

I'm going through many of the motions this year. I'm thankful that I have my kids to have expectations and anticipations of the holidays. Otherwise, I'm not so sure that I would be able to move forward so well. Every thing I touch or see or do reminds me in some way of Dad. It is both good and bad. Like last night as I was putting the candy kisses on the countdown to Christmas for my kids I remembered doing the same thing last year. My big bag of stuff I would take to Mom and Dad's and sitting on mom and dad's bed and tying the candy kisses to each day and having dad watch me closely to make sure I did not sneak any candy. Oh, the memories. And those same memories growing up, me and Jill, taking the candy off to countdown to Christmas. And Christmas morning and cinnamon rolls and orange juice. Dad in his PJs and robe. Memories, precious precious memories. Lauren and I bought Mom two Hallmark speical ormaments for her tree this year. I bought one too. It is a clear frosted ornament and it says 2008 but it is titled memories.

I talked to Mom tonight. She put up the Christmas lights outside. All by herself. I'm hoping Matt helped her but if I was a betting person I would say probably not as much as he should have. She also got out her Christmas houses and put them on top of the piano. When I talked to her tonight I think they were going to work on the tree. I think the kids and I might go over soon to check out the lights and hang out with her for a bit. It is important to me to hold her up and love on her and spend time with her. I makes me very sad to know that she is all alone in this world. That her friend, her lover, her sounding board is gone. Basically now, all she has at the Bailey house is Maggie the doggie. Maggie is good listener, she understands when you are upset. She however gets a little distracted and all she wants to do is play. I'm hoping Maggie will soon have a new place to live with her real momma, my sister Lue.

Have pictures, those to come in another post.......

One year ago today 1:30 pm

we were busy, Jill and Lue at the hospital with dad, waiting for discharge from the hospital. I was working, getting ready to leave to drive to the bailey house to make sure things were ready for dad to come home from the hospital. I was there to meet the nurse that was to be there to transition home. Her name was Ruby. I was there to meet the hospice agency
I was there when Dad called to see if I had $50 cash to tip the ambulance drivers who handled him so carefully. I did not of course have cash. So I sent matt to the store to get cash back from debit card at Albertsons. And, that did not work, so I sent him to Walgreens to buy two gift cards. And then, dad was resting comfortably as he could be and the ambulance drivers were waiting. I didn't want them to leave because I knew Dad wanted to give them something to say thanks for how good of a job they did. So, finally Matt got back with the gift cards and we gave them the gift cards to say thanks. And, then we answered the phone at the bailey house to receive a call from dad himself asking for the status of the his grits. And, as the night wore on, the bailey girls and bailey mom transitioned from daughters and wife to also medical care providers learning the ropes as we went along. Jill and Lue that night would get some much needed rest after Jill was first awakened to help figure out the morphine pump and talking on the line with the pump provider. steph would be up through the night with dad and then would leave the bailey house the next morning exhausted to come home to get ready for her daughter's birthday party. while she was at home celebrating with her daughter and her friends, Jill and Lue would get Dad up in the wheelchair and dad would spend some time in the kitchen looking around. Jill and Lue would normally not be in town for the birthday celebration but since they are they are not able to come to celebrate due the demands of all that is going on at bailey central. steph rests for a little bit and leaves to RUSH to pick up the cookie cake and arrives home to finish getting ready for the party minutes before the first guests arrive. Shower and change? Not an option, no time. And now, as we come up on the anniversary of many dates, we reflect and remember were were were last year at this time. We give thanks for the many memories, both good and bad. We are now learning how to be daugthers with just a mom and figure out those relationships and we are learning how to support mom as she figures out life without her companion. We are not liking this life but we know that we must figure out things and our way without him. It isn't easy, the holidays will be challenging times. I know personally, as I might have mentioned before, it would be fine with me to fast forward to January 1st. Hug your loved ones and let the little stuff go, because in the end, it is all just little stuff

Birthday Reflections

Reflecting, been doing a lot of that lately? You?

Like Hannah's birthday is coming up. And, I'm remembering going to the hosptial last year to celebrate with cake and Granddad giving Hannah that special necklace. She treasures that necklace. And, the day after Hannah's birthday, Granddad got to come home from the hospital. And, how the different chapter of our journey began. And how we lived for every waking moment to make sure he was comfortable. Rarely, did we check in our ourselves.

More to come on this in the next few days, but as I already promised you and myself I have to go to bed.

Angels watching over us

Got one of those calls today you don't like to get. You know the call where you see the caller ID at the office and you figure well, you can call them back but then they call again minutes later so you decide to answer. And then you go into the fear mode, the not knowing, the wishing you could snap your fingers and be right there, like NOW. No travel time. You want to just be able to give a hug and grab a Starbucks and lend a hand. You feel stupid sitting at your desk trying working. The procedures or whatever you were working on seem so trivial so not so important. Just like last fall when you were so far away from Dad and you could just get updates via phone or text.

I was talking to my sweet Hayden tonight. He is trutly my little man, the glass half full kind of guy who says to me, no there is to a way to go "she has a bike". Yes, my sweet sisters, this is your nephew. Always looking for the silver lining.

Say prayers for us tonight and hug your loved ones tighter. I truly believe that God's angels were watching closely over us and kept us all safe. Maybe one very, very special angel.

Happy Birthday Memaw

Dad's Mom's birthday (Memaw to me) was November 1st. I remember vividly this time last year. Dad was still in the hospital but he made sure we sent flowers from the place he always sent flowers. Jill took care of that for him I think. I believe that last year I was scrambling to send something too. Something different. You know a cookie bouquet or something fun. I know I sent something but I can't remember exactly what. I'm finding that I don't remember a lot about this time last year. I know we were there with Dad but the rest of the details of my life I do not remember. I know Memaw liked whatever I sent. This year, of course, without Dad to remind us we got behind and did not call or send her anything. How terrible is that? Our reminder is gone.

Memaw I'm so sorry that we did not have a gift for you on that special day. I hope you had a beautiful birthday and I know you had two precious angels looking down over you. I know that you too are adjusting to life without your precious son. The void he left in our family is huge. I know you miss him and your kids miss him.

Must go, tears flowing freely. Off to soak in a nice warm bath. Hayden tried to teach me the monkey bars tonight. Tomorrow I hope I can lift my arms above my head to get dressed. Really it isn't that bad but it could be.

Still learning how to navigate this world without my Daddy. So many things I wish I could run by him and get his input. So many, many things. One might think I could talk to friends or Kevin about these problems but no one listened quite like Dad. He had a way of just listening, not judging, just hearing you out. Gosh, how I miss that really the most especially now with so much to do and so many things to figure out.

More mac and cheese

The kids and I are at the Bailey house tonight. And, I made mac and cheese again for the kids for dinner. When might I ask will I be able to make mac and cheese without staring off into Mom and Dad's room listening for that "hey"? Hannah listed to me as I reflected. When I put her in the bathtub she too reflected. She said she remembers Granddad helping her with her bath and how he would wrap her up in a big towel afterwards and take her into the living room and she would say "look at my new dress" except the dress would be her towel. And how Granddad would blow dry her hair straight, yes, I think I have that same memory.

I am working diligently helping to get ready for a garage sale. Helping Mom sort through this and that and more this and that and more this and that. So, you get the idea. Hannah and sat down at the computer and I noticed a red tin to the right of the keyboard. So, I opened the tin and it was some chocolate covered cookies from guess when, last December. Ah, memories.

While cleaning out the Arbonne products, Mom grabbed a white binder. In it was Algebra homework, so I asked Mom if she really needed that paperwork (thinking it was back to her college days) and she said no it was Lauren's and then I noticed the dates of the coursework and realized that it was from Fall 2007, when we were all trying to keep that delicate balance of "the rest of our life (work, job, family, school)" and "taking care of dad". We soon learned that the taking care of Dad pretty much was all we could do.

In almost every single thing I touch here I feel connected to Dad. Sitting in the living room, hanging out in the den, straightening the kitchen, sending Matt to the store, giving the kids a bath, helping mom organize paperwork.........

I've heard many say they have seen something that they knew was a "sign" when people they love pass away. Today, I was at lunch at Dickey's BBQ and Hannah says "mommy" to let me know that in the background the song, Stand by Rascall Flats was playing in the background.

Must get to sleep, please tell my mind to stop and sleep for a bit.