Only a few hours left in 2008

The current time is 10:21 pm. We are about to eat our traditinal late evening meal before heading over to our dear friends Anna and Don to ring in 2009. I can agree with Don. He and I have had a year of loss and it is time to close the chapter on this year, to remember, and move forward day by day. Today, as I went through each hour I was reflecting as to where I was last year. This year, my sisters are in Austin to celebrate the New Year. I talked to Mom a while ago and she was just home from the store and had some really yummy food to cook up for the Bailey house. Dinner is done, must write more about the reflections of this year later.

Only Two Days Until Christmas!!!!!!

On the outside you would never know I am such an emotional mess on the inside. This was evident last night when I was saying prayers with Hayden and I prayed for us to have patience with one another and prayed for us to have understanding when our sister or brother gets on our nerves. Any of you with kids home on Christmas break can probably agree that this is a prayer that must be repeated on the hour. I prayed for God to be with us this year as we face our first Christmas without Granddad. And, then during the prayer, with the lights off and snuggled with my sweet very excited son, the tears would not stop flowing. Hayden even began to sob. I tried to correct my "sharing" of these feelings with Hayden by reminding him of all the special memories with Granddad such as how he played with him and snuggled with him but that just made matters worse. I then reminded Hayden how Granddad was silly and how he got on to those doggies and how he gave wet willies. I then could not tell if Hayden was laughing or crying harder. I told him it was okay to be sad but that we also have all of the special memories in our heart.

This year as Christmas approaches, I'm not sure what to expect. Christmas is coming and fastly approaching and will be here like tomorrow. I'm not sure what I will or won't need from my family both the ones that live in my house and those that don't. Mama Bear and Brother Bear are headed south to spend Christmas Eve with my Sister Bear. My other sister bear will be east this year (oh, and by the way we went to college graduation this past weekend, will write more on that later. Our family will be in the metroplex on Christmas Eve and morning. I've always said that I would love to just hang Christmas day and hang out with the kids, watch movies, and such. But THIS year, THIS year, I'm not so sure I will be able to do that. I think it is more for the reason WHY that that is even a choice. I'm scared I think of how I feel. I know if I'm about to fall apart the craziness of the holidays will keep me from that; however, never having done this and knowing that we all grieve differently and if you talk to one person that has lost a parent what worked for them at the holidays might not work for you. It is such an individual process. So, now I must decide what our plans will be because I promised my hubby I would let him know today. I thought about asking the kids their thoughts but then decided that that is just taking the chicken way out and not really facing my feelings. I must also too remember to be true to my feelings and my heart. Wish me luck. And, if you see me in the next few days, an extra warm hug or snuggle or gentle word would probably be greatly appreciated.

Brrrrrrrrr it is 28 degrees outside. I just want to go back to sleep where the kids and my hubby are all sound asleep since I used all my time off, off to work I go.

no sleep

HGTV has signed off for the evening........... I remember when that occurred at bailey central. That meant it was time for the movie, and yes it better be set to play on repeat.

sleep escapes me these days........... I think for a number of reasons.......... as strange as it sounds being up late, when the house is quiet and sorting through mail or going through "things" or working on the tree at our house makes me feel close to Dad. It is a connection because we all know that we were up many at nights at this hour. I know I'm exhausted both emotionally and physically. So why can't I sleep. Yes, it is 3:22 am right now........... what would we be doing? Oh, making toast or coffee or mac & cheese....... I want to go make some now.

I'm going through many changes at work and at home.............. nothing is the same.....and oh, how I want things to be the same. I think it would be different if there were just a few things that were changing but is all over the place. My little girl has entered "everything is boring world, she and I clash whenever possible it seems, huge changes at the office for me, changes here at home...................... This being said gives me opportunities to be scared out of my mind and thankful all in the same breath and maybe just a little be depressed. It makes want to run away places just to wander for hours to observe other families who seem normal on the outside. To escape. I need all of you right now especially those that I see and talk to on a more frequent basis more than you can imagine. I know that I am not here like I should be. I know that my contributions are not up to par. Hopefully, as time goes by I can be what I need to be......................

The tree at my family's house is up and all the ornaments are hung. We even have a few presents wrapped. And, did I mention that Hayden is ready to open them like RIGHT NOW. No waiting people. Bailey tree is up and decorated as well. Latest reports are that Ms. Maggie has scored one ornament. Yes, the cute Snoopy one I bought Mom this year. Yikes. Speaking of ornaments, my Hallmark ornament for this year is this one; I started to get this ornament because I liked the inscriptions which reads "Every life leaves something beautiful behind". As I was putting up the tree on the back of the box for the ornament I chose reads the following:

Shining Memories

2008 was a year filled

with hopes and dreams,

smiles and laughter

and, quite possibly,

a few tears

Like every year before it,

it will live on

through the memory

of each of its opportunities,

challenges, and celebrations

large and small

To me, this pretty much sums up 2008 so far. Laughter and smiles, yes. Tears, of course. And even through all of the challenges and opportunities that we are all facing, we will always have our memories.

I can't wait to go over and see the lights on the Bailey house. I'm proud of my Mama Bear for decorating this year. I think that there will be a flood of memories of last year when I go over there. I will be taken back to last year and remembering each and every special memory with my sisters. Sitting with Dad by myself with Matt while Jill and Mark caught a movie. Trying to keep up with it with the business of the holidays. Finally shopping for Christmas at 2:00 am at Wal-mart with Lauren but only because Dad finally allowed us both to go. And we had to take separate cars so we could come home if we needed to. Geesh....... I'm entering this holiday season with a fuzzy memory of what happened last year. I can remember the over all of what happened but it is the details I'm having trouble with. In talking with my cousin today, she said that is the mind's way of coping. Blocking, because it is painful. I think I would have to agree. Speaking of cousins and family, hopefully we will be able to have a small get together with our cousins soon. No gifts or such, just fellowship and family. To love and support one another.

A few more updates:

• Jill is busy baking and last night she sent us a text message with pictures of the roll out cookies she made. Oh, the memories of Dad wanting one of those cookies and oh, all the crumbs and the mess. And the phone calls and the heys........... I do miss my family. All of them, I'm thankful that next weekend we will be together for graduation. I will take a piece of Dad to graduation because I know he will be looking down on us and be oh, so proud.
• Yes, graduation for Lauren if fastly approaching. Rumor has it that her sweetheart is back stateside. However, for the official update on that news, you will have to wait for the e-mail update from her. Sorry..............................
• My cousin's daughter is graduating this weekend from Texas Womens' University. Time moves, I remember when she was just a baby.............. I'm hoping to be able to get to see them Friday night along with my special Aunt Pam and Uncle Tim............. I need her hugs and to hear her laughter..............
• Matt is still attending classes at Devry
• Maggie the doggie is still busy, oh, so busy
• The previously planned garage sale for the Bailey place is obviously not going to be a fall event. Maybe Spring in between basketball and soccer?

Okay, sleep is coming. I wish I had Galaxy Quest the movie to play in the background. Maybe I will put in Legally Blond and snuggle up on the couch for 3 or so hours (now it is 3:40); and well, anyway.......... remember I do love all of you and I need all of you and I am here for all of you. Please know that I am

Sweet dreams