no sleep

HGTV has signed off for the evening........... I remember when that occurred at bailey central. That meant it was time for the movie, and yes it better be set to play on repeat.

sleep escapes me these days........... I think for a number of reasons.......... as strange as it sounds being up late, when the house is quiet and sorting through mail or going through "things" or working on the tree at our house makes me feel close to Dad. It is a connection because we all know that we were up many at nights at this hour. I know I'm exhausted both emotionally and physically. So why can't I sleep. Yes, it is 3:22 am right now........... what would we be doing? Oh, making toast or coffee or mac & cheese....... I want to go make some now.

I'm going through many changes at work and at home.............. nothing is the same.....and oh, how I want things to be the same. I think it would be different if there were just a few things that were changing but is all over the place. My little girl has entered "everything is boring world, she and I clash whenever possible it seems, huge changes at the office for me, changes here at home...................... This being said gives me opportunities to be scared out of my mind and thankful all in the same breath and maybe just a little be depressed. It makes want to run away places just to wander for hours to observe other families who seem normal on the outside. To escape. I need all of you right now especially those that I see and talk to on a more frequent basis more than you can imagine. I know that I am not here like I should be. I know that my contributions are not up to par. Hopefully, as time goes by I can be what I need to be......................

The tree at my family's house is up and all the ornaments are hung. We even have a few presents wrapped. And, did I mention that Hayden is ready to open them like RIGHT NOW. No waiting people. Bailey tree is up and decorated as well. Latest reports are that Ms. Maggie has scored one ornament. Yes, the cute Snoopy one I bought Mom this year. Yikes. Speaking of ornaments, my Hallmark ornament for this year is this one; I started to get this ornament because I liked the inscriptions which reads "Every life leaves something beautiful behind". As I was putting up the tree on the back of the box for the ornament I chose reads the following:

Shining Memories

2008 was a year filled

with hopes and dreams,

smiles and laughter

and, quite possibly,

a few tears

Like every year before it,

it will live on

through the memory

of each of its opportunities,

challenges, and celebrations

large and small

To me, this pretty much sums up 2008 so far. Laughter and smiles, yes. Tears, of course. And even through all of the challenges and opportunities that we are all facing, we will always have our memories.

I can't wait to go over and see the lights on the Bailey house. I'm proud of my Mama Bear for decorating this year. I think that there will be a flood of memories of last year when I go over there. I will be taken back to last year and remembering each and every special memory with my sisters. Sitting with Dad by myself with Matt while Jill and Mark caught a movie. Trying to keep up with it with the business of the holidays. Finally shopping for Christmas at 2:00 am at Wal-mart with Lauren but only because Dad finally allowed us both to go. And we had to take separate cars so we could come home if we needed to. Geesh....... I'm entering this holiday season with a fuzzy memory of what happened last year. I can remember the over all of what happened but it is the details I'm having trouble with. In talking with my cousin today, she said that is the mind's way of coping. Blocking, because it is painful. I think I would have to agree. Speaking of cousins and family, hopefully we will be able to have a small get together with our cousins soon. No gifts or such, just fellowship and family. To love and support one another.

A few more updates:

• Jill is busy baking and last night she sent us a text message with pictures of the roll out cookies she made. Oh, the memories of Dad wanting one of those cookies and oh, all the crumbs and the mess. And the phone calls and the heys........... I do miss my family. All of them, I'm thankful that next weekend we will be together for graduation. I will take a piece of Dad to graduation because I know he will be looking down on us and be oh, so proud.
• Yes, graduation for Lauren if fastly approaching. Rumor has it that her sweetheart is back stateside. However, for the official update on that news, you will have to wait for the e-mail update from her. Sorry..............................
• My cousin's daughter is graduating this weekend from Texas Womens' University. Time moves, I remember when she was just a baby.............. I'm hoping to be able to get to see them Friday night along with my special Aunt Pam and Uncle Tim............. I need her hugs and to hear her laughter..............
• Matt is still attending classes at Devry
• Maggie the doggie is still busy, oh, so busy
• The previously planned garage sale for the Bailey place is obviously not going to be a fall event. Maybe Spring in between basketball and soccer?

Okay, sleep is coming. I wish I had Galaxy Quest the movie to play in the background. Maybe I will put in Legally Blond and snuggle up on the couch for 3 or so hours (now it is 3:40); and well, anyway.......... remember I do love all of you and I need all of you and I am here for all of you. Please know that I am

Sweet dreams