Only Two Days Until Christmas!!!!!!

On the outside you would never know I am such an emotional mess on the inside. This was evident last night when I was saying prayers with Hayden and I prayed for us to have patience with one another and prayed for us to have understanding when our sister or brother gets on our nerves. Any of you with kids home on Christmas break can probably agree that this is a prayer that must be repeated on the hour. I prayed for God to be with us this year as we face our first Christmas without Granddad. And, then during the prayer, with the lights off and snuggled with my sweet very excited son, the tears would not stop flowing. Hayden even began to sob. I tried to correct my "sharing" of these feelings with Hayden by reminding him of all the special memories with Granddad such as how he played with him and snuggled with him but that just made matters worse. I then reminded Hayden how Granddad was silly and how he got on to those doggies and how he gave wet willies. I then could not tell if Hayden was laughing or crying harder. I told him it was okay to be sad but that we also have all of the special memories in our heart.

This year as Christmas approaches, I'm not sure what to expect. Christmas is coming and fastly approaching and will be here like tomorrow. I'm not sure what I will or won't need from my family both the ones that live in my house and those that don't. Mama Bear and Brother Bear are headed south to spend Christmas Eve with my Sister Bear. My other sister bear will be east this year (oh, and by the way we went to college graduation this past weekend, will write more on that later. Our family will be in the metroplex on Christmas Eve and morning. I've always said that I would love to just hang Christmas day and hang out with the kids, watch movies, and such. But THIS year, THIS year, I'm not so sure I will be able to do that. I think it is more for the reason WHY that that is even a choice. I'm scared I think of how I feel. I know if I'm about to fall apart the craziness of the holidays will keep me from that; however, never having done this and knowing that we all grieve differently and if you talk to one person that has lost a parent what worked for them at the holidays might not work for you. It is such an individual process. So, now I must decide what our plans will be because I promised my hubby I would let him know today. I thought about asking the kids their thoughts but then decided that that is just taking the chicken way out and not really facing my feelings. I must also too remember to be true to my feelings and my heart. Wish me luck. And, if you see me in the next few days, an extra warm hug or snuggle or gentle word would probably be greatly appreciated.

Brrrrrrrrr it is 28 degrees outside. I just want to go back to sleep where the kids and my hubby are all sound asleep since I used all my time off, off to work I go.