Random

Here are a few random thoughts for this Friday...........

1. I had dream last night. It was set at Mom and Dad's house but I can't tell if Dad was actually living in my dream. I sense that he was a part of the dream and felt really connected to him. It was really bittersweet.
2. I am very thankful this year on Father's Day weekend is Hannah's Dance recital. All weekend that weekend we will be busy getting Hannah ready to dance and watching her dance. So, the element will be a little unfocused from celebrating Dad. Kevin won't probably be to happy about that but I think that will help me or will it?
3. I am finding I can talk about Dad more and more without getting too sad. Not sure how I feel about that.
4. Today, my kids made Kevin and I lunch. They set the table like a restaurant and made a menu with prices. They took our orders and served us. It was very cute. I might post pictures at some point.
5. I enjoyed sleepting late today, 10:30, yes, it was refreshing. I wish I could work 1/2 days every Friday. It was fun to get to spend time this morning making pancakes. Nana's pancakes to be exact.
6. I am very, very glad the weekend is here. More than you know.
7. I am NOT glad that Hayden's basketball game is at 9:00 am tomorrow morning. I am GLAD that this is the last one.
8. Hannah and I just made chocolate chip cookies and while they are baking she is watching HGTV, more HGTV. It is weird to me that she wants to watch HGTV so much. I mean when they were over at Dad's when he was living she did not sit with us and watch it. So, how does she know that is what we can do to remember Dad? There are so many memories of taking care of Dad in HGTV. In fact, some of the episodes that I am seeing I actually watching while Dad was living. That is also bittersweet.
9. I worked tonight unitl about 6:30, went and bought a birthday gift for Hannah's friend and then got OUTBACK for dinner for me and came home and ate in total peace and quiet. It was very healing.
10. I scheduled my dental work. Yikes............. I am nervous about that and I wish I could talk to my Papa Bear about it all.......... he would tell me that everything is going to be just fine. I will have to have that voice in my head. So, keep me in your thoughts next Friday morning.

Must go, Hannah is standing behind me now and wants me to come and watch HGTV with her and my doggie is whining so I must go see what he needs as well. Hope everyone has a wonderful weekend!

Stephanie

Frozen...........

Warning short novel below. You might want to pause and go get tea and coffee and come back. The keyboard is just so healing for me.

Lots of things have been happening over the last few days. I'm doing better I think and then something hits me and I go into a daze and just freeze. I cannot move. I am so thankful to be able to talk today to a sweet coworker Callie that listened to me ramble on. Callie lost someone very dear to her last January so she could totally relate to everything I was saying. It totally stinks to be members of this club, the ones that have lost someone dear but it also gives me comfort to know that there are those out there that get what I'm going through. That understand. That can truly feel your pain and walk with you in this journey. Thank you.

On the way to school the other day I told Hayden and Hannah that I had to run back home because I forgot something. I told Hannah I needed to let my boss know when Hayden's check up was. Hannah words that she spoke shocked me to the core. She said "Hayden's appointment cannot be on March 3rd". Knowing full well that that was Dad's birthday I asked her "Why can't Hayden's appointment be on the 3rd?" To which Hannah replied "Because that is Granddad's birthday, so he can't have his appointment then." Oh, I see. We started talking about our new traditions for that day. Hannah said she wanted to make a cake from scratch. Hayden said we should put 63 candles on it. That really mad me sad. Almost as much as the pain that shot through me when I was checking e-mail tonight and the subject line for one of my e-mails read:
First Reminder for Mike Bailey's Birthday on Monday March 3rd . Yikes. Yep....... Hayden has a soccer game that evening and then we will celebrate and remember Dad and Granddad. Hannah wants to make a heart shaped cake and I think that it will help us heal so every year that is going to be our new tradition for that day. Heart day................................. And, maybe we will think this year of 63 things that were special or that we remember about........... We'll see how it goes and hopefully post a picture of our cake.

Speaking of soccer, tonight was Hayden's first soccer game of the season. Game time was at 6:00. At 5:30, I was still at work which there was no reason for because I didn't have anything pressing. There was no reason I should not have been able to LEAVE and be on time to Hayden's game. I just could not go. I don't know if it was because the last game I remember going to Dad was in the hospital and still here. I remember leaving Mesquite and rushing back to my end of town after working all day on cleaning out the storage building. Or, I don't know if the reason I couldn't leave was because things were just TOO normal. Is it the normalcy of everything that is freezing me in my tracks? I think so.

The kids are off school tomororrow. I'm staying home with them in the morning. I'm excited because that means I get to sleep late and regroup. This working the entire week is draining at best. Kevin is going to stay with them in the afternoon. And then I think Kevin is going to a Maverick game tomorrow night. It will be good for the kids and I to hang out tomorrow and snuggle and probably watch more HGTV.

In just about everything I do there is a memory or thought of my sweet papa. Seriously, everything. And then I run across things that reduce me to tears like last night I found his report of catscan from the D-Day of October 18, 2007. I will FOREVER be grateful to my sweet sister Lauren who I was talking to on the phone on the way home from seeing her at college who as I was in Mesquite said "Are you going to stop by and see Dad?" Duh, yes. So, I did. And that is a very sweet memory of my Papa Bear. He was weak but up. Mom and Dad had been cleaning that Sunday. Dad was proud of all they had done in their room. He was up and moving and walking around. Not bound to the bed like the last few months of his life. That was the last time I saw him up and walking and doing all of the things Dads do. He was in pain but he was still Dad. And I never will forget what Hannah asked me when we got in the car. "Mom is Granddad going to die?" Of course this is before I knew how SERIOUS things were. Because Daddy said it was not that bad and we always believe our Daddy. Thank you sweet sister for nudging me to stop by. For that I will be forever grateful.

There is so much more to share with you all but my head is starting to hurt and I need to seek out the Advil Liquid Gels and get to bed. I promise I will soon share a song that Hannah wrote about her Granddad dying. I will give you adequate time to prepare yourselves and get your Kleenex ready. She sang it to me. I bawled and cried. Hannah cried. It makes me realize that she is healing much like me. I should know this but I'm thinking of her like a little girl when she is a mini adult. Seriously.

I love you all bunches and bunces and miss you all very, very much!

HGTV marathon

Morning everyone, how are you today? I hope this finds you well.

Things around the Bailey house are I guess back to the new normal. Matthew is taking Laddie the doggie to the vet to get his teeth cleaned. I talked to Mom and she was getting ready for work.

I’m trying to do okay this morning. I just feel spaced out. Like I’m a part of my body but not really – like I’ve checked out. I’m sure that eventually I will snap out of it. I know that it will take time for this to occur. I think one of the biggest reasons for feeling this way is that for so many months there was so much going on. So much stuff to do and people to visit and human contact. I mean, I saw one of my sisters every few days…… at times I saw both of them. I hung out with my brother and mom. We were there and we were together, of course, not at a spa or vacation but none the less we were together. People surrounded us. They called and checked in to get updates on Dad. It just feels weird. I guess that it will take my body some time to adjust to this level of human contact and slow back down to this pace of normal. Time to catch our breath and remember all of the things we put on hold for so long (oh, like getting to the gym, yes, that is a big one!). I know we have to move on, that life goes on, but it just feels wrong right now. It will feel right very soon I just know it has to.

Last night, Hayden had basketball practice. It was just me and Hannah at home. After Hannah had finished dinner, had her shower and we finalized homework and lunches, Hannah said “Let’s watch HGTV mommy”. So, sweet. Not something she would’ve watched I don’t think before. It would have been Disney channel or Nickelodeon all the way. The kids feel asleep on the floor in our room last night watching House Hunters on HGTV. Kevin and I stayed up until after midnight watching more HGTV. Many memories of Dad in HGTV. Many, many memories.....

Must get to work, I love you all very much! Thank you for being there for us all of these months for praying for us and for everything you do for us now. We could not have done it without you!

Stephanie

That panic...feeling not quite yourself?

Lauren here..

greetings...

I know what you mean sister... I do not think that I have come to the full realization that Dad is really gone. It seems like it didn't really happen, although you know good and well that it did. It is like when my car wouldn't turn over about a week ago. I sat there and was like well, now what do I do? You know what first came to my mind.. Call Dad. Crap. It hit me. I can't call him, what do I do... who do I call? I literally sat there for 5 minutes...thinking...

I find myself staring off into to space as well.. It is not that you are always thinking... you are really just mindlessly staring. You momentarily mentally check out. Someone can be talking to you.. and you are .. oh wait.. what did you say, sorry I was off in space. I can't even stand to sometimes be idle for very long..

Ever get just a panic feeling ... that has happened to me a few times.. I feel like my body is just shaky and I'm anxious .. etc.. etc.. And then I lost it. Cried.. a good cry. I really haven't done that much since Dad passed away...

Thought I might share a bit of how I have been feeling. But overall I am doing pretty ok..

love to all

Sick to My Stomach

Stephanie here............ There is a gnawing feeling in the bottom of my stomach that will not go away. Nope, currently, I thankfully do not have the stomach bug that has been going around. Did you think that is what it would be based on the title of my post? Nope, it is just a feeling that something is missing. We all know what that something is......... it is just a sinking feeling that will not go away. I felt it off and on all weekend. I have moments were I think I'm starting to feel okay and then a wave of something hits me and I get "that" feeling again. I talked to my sister Jill. I think that we are all having that feeling somewhat. We are all trying to get back into our routines of life before October 18, 2007. We are trying to hold on and remember how to live while figuring out how to remember and not forget. It is a very delicate balance.

As I tried to get back into our routine of normal, I think I might have moved a little too quickly. That was very apparent this weekend when for some insane reason I told Hannah she could have three of her girl friends spend the night. It was at 10:30 pm when I was ready for them to go to bed and BE QUIET. To make matters worse, Hannah’s little brother could not understand why sissy did not want to play with him or why her friends felt the same way. He was in tears. I was right there with him on the inside. That was exactly how I felt. How totally unfair that I could not have my papa here anymore. Why? Can I also tell you that I can only process so many outside noises and at about 9:30 or 10:00 pm I need my quiet time. That does not happen very easily around said house with kids and activities………… Geesh!

This weekend was also my father n laws birthday. Normally, a very happy and fun occasion, something I can look forward to. You know planning with the kids and helping ensure they make him a card or something. However, this time, it was just too close to loosing my Dad. I didn't want to be happy to celebrate the birthday of someone else’s Dad. I really didn’t. But I went. That much I can say. But it doesn’t mean I had to like it. I showed up with said gift that I purchased from my family. The only problem I find with just about any event lately is that if I’m lucky it can hold my interest for about 30 minutes as that is about all emotional processing time I have right now. Then I am DONE! I will be there in body but I will have to tune out and go to another place. The idle chit chat and conversation is just too much for me right now. I can't explain it. It is a very weird way to feel.

Sunday evening after we left my in-laws, Kevin and the kids went over to Nana and Grandad’s. Hayden did point out that it is just Nana’s now. I do know that. I’m just not ready to call it that just yet. It was good to see mom. She seems to be doing as well as could be expected. Walking in the house though still feels weird. The house is so quiet. Entering Lauren’s room felt like I was at someone else’s house. Missing from the floor were Jill and Lauren’s suitcases and clothes and everything else that should be there because so should Dad.

Kevin helped do several things around the house – putting in new light bulbs and installing a shower head and many many more things………Mom was very pleased. Thank you sweet hubby for doing that!! I went through and got rid of the flowers that were not any good any more. It was a good visit with Mom. The kids were watching the Oscars and they were mad when we told them it was time to go. I am going to have to make it a point to get over there more often. Just like when Dad was sick I just wish it wasn’t 45 minutes from my place. I think it is good and healing for us to be there and for the kids to see everyone healing……………

Thanks for letting me share that with you guys. It helps to have a place to talk about these feelings. I think right now that I’m still in a little bit of denial that Dad really did die. Almost like if you wish hard enough that it really didn’t happen. With time and healing I know I’ll move towards acceptance.

But it doesn’t mean I have to like it………………

Take Two

The search for a new normal continues.......... Scene one, take two............

Last night a dear friend of mine called me and invited me to dinner. I quickly made arrangements for Hannah to be picked up from dance and I was off to meet her. It was a very odd experience. Once at the restuaraunt, I sat and stared at the menu, almost like I was overwhelmed just being there. I don't think that my friend even began to understand. It is almost like the breath is knocked out of you temporarily. She was just like "order!". Oh, the heartaches..............

Today, my head hurts, really, really bad. I'm thinking it is the start of a migraine. I am nauseous and feel awful. So, needless to say I am at home right now. I was up some of the night. I will spare you the details. I fell back asleep around 8:00 without calling my boss or telling my kids bye for school. I left the kids all up to Kevin, again. Can I tell you how much I love that man? And for work, I know I really need to get back in the swing of things but I'm having a really hard time doing so. It seems that my mind wanders a lot. At my desk, I still have a post it note at my desk from one of the many phone calls from Dad. It is written in black bold permanent marker and it says "CHECK BLOOD SUGAR...... call Dad." Oh, how I wish I could call and talk to him one more time........... to hear "what's up?" one more time. One day at at time, one day at at time.

We are all taking things one step at a time. I'm helping Mom with paperwork and phone calls. There is just so much to do. And, add to that all of the stuff in your personal lives that you did not take care of while Dad was sick. Seriously, the lists and lists of things to do. They never ever end.

Thankfully, we continue to be blessed along this journey. My mom's sweet cousin reminded us that God will provide for our family now. He will make a way. That is important to remember. Very generous people continue to lift us up and pray for us and support us and for that we are extremely grateful. My coworkers gave a donation to help the family. Two family members in Hayden's classes contributed. And, I just received $135.00 in gift cards to Wal-mart for mom and my family from Hayden's classmates and their families. I know Matt will be happy, food! Food! Food!

I have so much to update from the day of the services, the kind words people said and everything. I want to update it all before it goes from my memory. It is just not time just yet to do so.

I must be off to decide what I am going to do about my head hurting.......... my doctor has no appointments so that leaves me with CareNow. I'm not to thrilled with the idea of going anywhere right now. It is cold and windy outside. A perfect day to stay home and reflect and rest. Wish me luck with all of that.

Keep us close...........

Hugs, Stephanie

Trying to Find Our Place in this New "Normal"

We are all trying to get back to the “new normal” of our lives.

I'll update you on that part of the journey for me over the last few days......I'll apologize up front for being so wordy…….. I just haven’t felt much like coming to this place but now, I know that I need to share with you to help myself heal and move on………… my steps in this journey will be baby ones……

Valentines Day came and went. I spent the night with Mom and my siblings after the services and went to the kid’s valentines parties. The minute I walked in the school I was hit with emotions from I’m not sure where. It felt wrong to be there. I guess more importantly it felt like I should’ve been doing something else. For so long in order to do anything like this it would’ve required planning with Jill and Lauren and Mom to make sure someone would be there for Dad. This did not require anything like that. I had no real energy and was not much help to any of the moms there. I then let Hayden have a friend over that I had to watch as boys will be boys…….. Seriously, what was I thinking?

Friday I hung out at the kid’s school and worked in the library and work room and had lunch with both Hayden and Hannah. By the time Hannah’s lunch was over, I had had enough. So, I left the school and went home and took a 3 hour nap. I slept so hard that when I woke up I didn’t even know what day it was. I had a bad dream that I had dropped Hayden off for an activity and when I went to pick him up the teacher was not there and neither was Hayden. I called Hayden’s name and no one could find him. A really parallel to my life now. Something and someone is missing.

Friday evening, it was back to the routines…….. I actually TOOK and picked Hannah up from dance. I can’t remember the last time I’ve actually done that. That had become something that Kevin was doing. And, then came Saturday………. Hayden’s basketball game. I woke up at MY house and got ready for the game at MY house…… there was no taking care of Dad right up to when I needed to leave for the game or deciding if I should stay and take care of Dad or go to the game. I actually rode with my family to the game. Can I just tell you again how good and wrong that I felt doing that all at the same time? Afterwards, I came home and took a nap! Yeah for naps……… can I just say that? Please don’t be worried that I’m spiraling into a deep depression; although I know that I need to watch for that. I just need time to rest my emotional well being. My heart needs time to heal. And, it can’t do so awake right now………………. I find that I am either really tired and have to sleep RIGHT NOW or my heart and mind are going 90 miles an hour and I must stay awake and up.

Saturday night I went to see the movie 27 Dresses with Mom and her friend. It was a good movie. Saturday night, the kids and I spent the night with Mom and Matt and Jill. I stayed up really late Saturday night into the wee hours of Sunday morning with my sweet sister Jill. I think we went to bed at 3:00 am. We talked about a lot of things. We reminisced about taking care of Dad. I helped her find all of the things she needed to pack up and take home.

Sunday, Matt and I worked on straightening the house and the kids earned money helping us clean. Mom and I went shopping and Uncle Matthew watched my kids………… I was doing okay until I saw Mom all crumbled over in the chair that we spent so much time sitting in next to Dad’s bed. She was crying. She was thinking about Dad. I think in time she will also find her new normal. This is all such a huge adjustment.

I was off work on Monday for President’s Day…….. more napping…………. More going through tons of paperwork and things that I have let go over the last few months. I have a lot of catching up to do. I came into work on Tuesday for a few hours and attended my best friends’ grandfather’s services. I was so thankful that the normal security guard was off yesterday. He would’ve asked me about Dad. I would’ve probably lost it. My sweet coworkers collected money to give the Bailey Family. My work is also providing dinner for my family Thursday night. My sweet coworkers are here supporting me. I at work today (Wednesday) and I can do a few things and then I have to get up and walk around or get some coffee. I can honestly say I’m not sure what A fish out of water feels like but that is how I feel today………
I appreciate all of your thoughts and prayers. Continue to keep up close. If you thought we needed your prayers and such before, we really, really need them now. I am off to a meeting about a project that was started before my last day of my old life (February 6th – ironically my baby’s birthday)……….. I just hope I am able to speak and talk about it intelligently. Wish me luck…………….

Preparing to Say Goodbye

These past few days have been a blur, an incredibly cruel nightmare that one wishes they coudl wake up from.

Monday I headed over to Mom and Dad's and we began the steps that one needs to do......... first comes finalizing the obituary........ And, I might add that this is when it pays to be short with words, especially when publishing in the Dallas Morning News.......... might I also add that the same obituary (even more words) was hundreds of dollar less............

Then the next thing to do was figure out what to wear. You know I know that it did not really matter what one wears. That no mater what it would have been fine. The hardest part was I wanted to ask Dad what he thought of this or that. But he was not here. And, then the even harder part was going shopping and knowing what you were looking for and why and shopping in sizes that made you cry because you have not been to the gym in FOREVER because going to the gym just never seemed to fit in the schedule of taking care of dad and working and everything else. This made me not be at the happiest of places. I was easily moved to tears at any moment. Thankfully, my sweet cousin Amy came to my rescue AGAIN and rushed around Dillards looking for the perfect outfit. And, then we hit Target and Walmart for Valentine stuff. I managed to find a blouse and black pants but no true outfit. During this shopping trip, Kevin called my cell. I did not answer because I was on the phone talking to my good friend. So, he called Amy's cell and then I got to talk to him. Kevin explained that Hannah had made a picture to put on Granddad's grave. You know in his casket. Oh, the things that require explanation because Dad's wishes were that he be cremated. I tried to explain the best I could sitting on the dressing room floor in bra and panties and in a puddle of tears.............. Oh, the questions.

I decided to come home on Monday evening, well actually it was early Tuesday morning. It was a fitting drive, another middle of the night travel down 35 to 183 to Colleyville. I felt that I needed to be here for my kids and take them to school. I arrived home around 2:30 am. It was so typical for the last few months. I got up on Tuesday and took the kids to school. On the way to school Hannah asked me how we knew Granddad was about to die. She was asking because there were several people gathered at the house. I explained to her that the body gives us signs, you know low blood pressure, slow breathing, less urine output, etc. She paused for a few minutes and then said "You mean if Daddy's customer would've been on time then we would have gotten there (to Granddad's before he died) because I did not get to say goodbye." Who knew that this conversations was going to go that way? I explained to her that we cannot always be there and most importantly Granddad knew she loved him. Ouch.....

After that conversation, I went into school, dropped the kids off and ran into one of the Mom's in Hayden's class. She has been so helpful these past few days. I told her cookies would be nice. Then I marched right into Ms. Moore's office (the school counselor) to know what to expect with my babies and to find out how to answer their tough questions. It was a long conversation and I was glad she had the time to talk to me.

Feeling a litte more equipped to handle some of the sitations of the next few days, I headed to the mall............... I spent from about 10:00 am to almost 2:00 wandering around the mall............... I found lots of sales and thankfully the perfect black dress for Hannah to wear. Do you know how difficult it is to find a "black" dress for a little girl size 12 when all of the stores are displaying Easter and spring dresses. Thankfully, JCPenney came to the rescue as they had all of their winter items clearanced and it was just what I was looking for. I also found a skirt for me............ then shoes for almost the entire family............ and a sweater and jeans for me at Chicos............... I did receive a call from my sweet sister Lue who reminded me "Sis, this is in in 5 hours"............. I know, I know........................... I think that that time was what I needed. Time to be alone and to process and heal a little bit. I purchased a guest book for the services. I then explained to my dear husband that retail therapy hopefully is cheaper than real therapy.

I picked up my kids and came home and rushed around to pack up the car to take the almost final journey to Dad's to begin the process of saying goodbye. Hannah sensed my stress and walked towards me with her arms open wide and gave me a big hug.

When I apologized to her for having to rush around, she said so sweetly.........."That's okay Mommy. It has been a long time since you got to go to the mall."

Isnt' that so true....................................

The visitation was Tuesday. Many friends and family members stopped by to visit. I had no tears that night. It was really not what I was expecting. It was a true celebration of Dad's life and how he lived to be surrounded like that. Friends, true. But Family always first.

I'll update more later. I must go get ready for Hayden's basketball game.

No more hellos

Not sure if there is anyone out there still reading our little blog. But writing is therapy for me and so I'm going to continue to update for probably some time..........

You all know how Dad would call us on our cell phones with his cell phone to check in or tell us he needed us. Well, on Friday my cell phone did not work probably............ you could not get any of the buttons to work............. the number seven would just continusously dial. So I took it to the AT&T store to have them look at it and it would have been another $250 to get a new phone. So, I got the photos off my phone. And late Friday night my phone was working again. So strange. And, today, Sunday, part of Lauren's phone didn't work right either. Both really new phones. It just seems interesting that now that Dad is gone our phones are messing up.................... we don't need them to talk to him anymore....... he is here in our hearts and in our minds............... is that the message? Sorry, deep I know.................

I am an emotional mess. Dad took his final earthly journey last night around 5:45 pm. Seeing him be driven down the street and knowing he would never be again was so hard. After that, our family was there for us. My wonderful cousin Steve went to the store for dinner and bought the stuff for the goodie bags for Hadyen's party. My sweet cousin Amy was with me in my Daddy's room to help me straighten up. I was not sure how much to touch and how much to leave. Hospice could not come and get the bed until Monday. Part of me wanted it gone and part of me did not. Like I said I'm an emotional mess. Maybe I should've listed to my sister n law and called my doctor for meds. Everyone else gathered in the kitchen and they ordered pizza. I just really didn't want to be around anyone too much. I just sat in Mom and Dad's room and own and watched the entire movie Legally Blonde (a movie we used to put on at night so Dad could sleep). However, we did not watch the entire of anything pretty much. There was always sometihng to do or Dad would say Hey, Hey. It was weird to watch the entire movie. It was weird to have nothing to do. No medicine schedule to check.

Another irony is that the movie Legally Blonde 2 arrived in the mail from Netflix at my house (this was another movie Dad watched). It arrived on Friday. I know it is a coincidence but I am thinking it is another way I will cope.

Today the pastor came by and visited with us and we began to finalize our plans for Dad's celebration of his life. Lots of different ideas there. It is hard because we all have our own ideas on what we should do. We all need to find closure to this horrible thing. We all want to honor Dad. I'm sure we'll work it out.

I left Mom and Dad's today at 1:15 to go to Hayden's birthday party. I struggled with if I should stay or go. I am very glad I got to go. I think it was the right thing to do. I know Dad would have wanted me to go. But know the hard part is that we have to know what he would want us to do but I have to also think about being there and doing for my sisters and brother and Mom. Hayden's party was at the Incredible Pizza and I helped Hayden get like over 500 tickets. So he got a really cool prize. I am still at home and not sleeping but typing to all of you out there on this blog.

Must get to bed; lots to do tomorrow. Continue to keep us close.

Stephanie

Rest, sweet Papa, rest.............

Dad finally went to sleep and closed his eyes forever this morning at 11:58 am surrounded by his family. There was no pain; only peace. He is now in heaven free from cancer, free from pain, free from all that went with this journey. We are still surrounded by family. We are all very, very sad. I cannot imagine never having a conversation again with my Dad. Never being able to ask him for advise or share a story with him. I guess that is why he went to sleep for a little bit before going to heaven. To help ease us into this phase. Yesterday he told his sisters that he was "almost to the spot". I'm guessing that meant heaven.

My Mom is so very, very sad. She got to hold him and love on him and talk to him. I am glad for that. We are all very sad.

The nurse has arrived. We had the sweetest aide here with us this morning. Now, they are going through and throwing away the medicines as required by law. That just feels so cold to me. I know I'm being very sentimental. Those were the things here that we helped Dad to feel better. Dad will take his final earthly journey here very shortly. We will post more about Dad's celebration of life as we have the details.

Right now we are okay. My mom's cousin continues to keep us well fed. We are doing as well as can be expected and to quote my sweet papa "That's all I know about that"

Speaking of family, Kevin is here with my kids, "my babies" as Dad called them. I had to tell them what happened because there was too many chances that they might overhear what happened. I have to tell you I dreaded that part very much. However, God gave me the words to say. Hannah had lots of questions like when and what time? We asked her if she wanted to give Granddad one final kiss goodbye and see Dad. Kevin took her in to say goodbye. She is so brave. Kids are so smart. She did pick up on and asked before I even told them as why there were so many people here. Hayden I'm not so sure about. He didn't want to go see Granddad. I told him that was okay and he could keep the memories of Granddad in his heart forever.

That is so true.......... memories and love never die.

Stephanie

"good" morning

Lauren here
can't really say its a good morning, but it is another day.
The new nurses aide arrive here at 8am. She tried to call the house this morning, but I refused to get up off the couch to get the phone. So instead I had to wake up when the bark alarms went off at 8am.
I just finished helping clean up dad and put some smell good on him. Refreshed. He looks peaceful. He doesn't look like he is in pain or discomfort, that is good to say and good to see. He is relaxed. Dad's blood pressure has dropped some more. Mom has a hair appt at 10:30am and she is having trouble decide if it is right to go. Oh decisions, decisions, how we hate difficult decisions..

I'm gonna miss my Papa Bear. Jill and I went through lots of pictures last night. Tons of memories and happy times. I think it was almost therapeutic to just remember all of that, or for me.. hear about the stories. Laying in there with my head on a pillow just holding dad's hand makes me cry. It is so hard not to go in there and cry. But they aren't all sad tears. Tears of the past, present, and knowing that he will soon be no longer suffering. I love you Dad. I love you to the moon and back.

more later...

Changing the Toast Tradition

Morning everyone. Cannot say it is a good one. Dad is resting. His breathing has gone from 12 to 7. Not sure exactly what that means but I know that it can't be good. His pulse is also dropping from 64 to 60. Right now, we have a certified nursing assistant here with us. She has been here since about 10:00.

Jill and Lauren were up until about 3:00 visiting and looking through pictures to find good ones of Dad. There is a lot of them. My sweet aunts got me some medicine for my tooth. With my pain meds and that on board, I went to sleep for a little while. I woke up when Jill and Lauren came back in Dad's room. All three of us girls sat by Dad's bed. And cried and loved on him. At one point I told Dad that Jill was going to try and give him some more medicine. I think that almost got a reaction out of him. Or, it could have been my imagination.

Jill and Lauren both got pillows and put their heads on Dads bed and rested for a little bit. Then, they went to bed. I stayed up looking through pictures. Then, I noticed the rattling breathing. So, I got Mom up. We have given Dad the medicines we were supposed to and he has settled down some. I am thankful that he is resting peacefully and does not appear to be in pain.

I went into the kitchen and in keeping with Bailey tradition all of these months I made toast at 4:30 am. Except the toast this time wasn't for Dad but for Mom. Laddie the doggie looked sad. I told him I bet Mom didn't share as much toast with him as Dad would have. I really do not like the change in this tradition. It should be Dad eating the toast. Keeping us all up. All of those nights we were wishing we could rest and now pretty soon we will be able to. I am sad beyond words.

Family will be back tomorrow. Steve is making breakfast for us. Bacon and biscuits and gravy. At least that is what the rumors tell me. Oh, how I wish Dad would wake up and ask us "what is that smell" and say "close the door!" or "I'm cold" or "Where's Mama?" or "What's up"

I am going to go now and go check in on Mom and maybe try to get a few more hours sleep.

Stephanie

Waiting

We are waiting. Dad is sleeping. Today when I got here he was somewhat alert. When I tucked the pillow behind his head he said "OW". That was a pretty standard comment. This afternoon my mom's cousin Norma and Steve got here and Dad reconginzed Norma and even said her name outloud. The difference though in Dad from just a few hours ago until now is night and day. I am fearful that Dad has not much longer in this life. You know we wished and wished for Dad to be able to sleep...........but seriously we didn't mean sleeping this much. What I wouldn't give to hear one more "Hey" or have him call me on his cell to check in or ask for toast or tell the dogs to be quiet. There will be no move conversations. I want him to wake up and scold me for something or say "blood sugar" and we could check our blood sugars together. I miss you so much papa bear already.

Our family has gathered to support us and start this very hard process of saying goodbye. Dad's sisters Pam and Deb are here. They left a little bit ago to go to the hotel. Mom's cousins Steve and Norma are here too. Steve made us a very yummy steak dinner and the family picked up the kitchen. We had ice cream for dessert. My sweet cousin Amy met me at AT&T and held my hand while I freaked out about losing the pictures of Dad I had on my cell phone. She hugged my neck and held me close. Thank you so much to our family during this time.

There is just not much to say other than to continue to hold us close. Lift us up. We'll update more as we can.

Hugs,
Stephanie

Hayden Turns Seven

Today my sweet little boy turns seven! Happy Birthday son! I love you.

No noise, just silence

Today after I dropped some things at the kids school, I drove myself to Mesquite. Just in driving up in the driveway things were different. Dad's car is gone. He will never drive again. I mean I know we knew this but this just makes it so much more real.

When I got inside things were so well......... quiet. No one was hurrying about to get Dad toast or coffee or mac and cheese. No one was in with him getting him comfortable or rubbing his legs or helping him get fluffed. Just Mom, in there with him hanging out working on some things. You know the time to do things that a while back we would have really wanted. Now, not so much. Be so very careful what you wish for.

I got everything out of my car and got my things put away. And then I stalled as long as I could stall because I didn't want to go see what I knew in my heart I was going to see.

When I opened the door to Mom and Dad's room you immediately noticed many things wrong. The TV was OFF........... no HGTV in the background. I can't remember when that has ever happened. Most of the lights were off except the light that has been on since we came home from the hospital on November 16th. The blinds had not been opened. Something dad would ask you to do in the morning.

And the other thing was........... Dad was sleeping............ really sleepting. His mouth was drooping over to the side a little bit. I couldn't stand it so I touched his hand just to feel his touch. He woke up but did not open his eyes. I told him I loved him and he mouthed I love you back. I am in SO much pain from my teeth and was so drugged up on pain meds that I was sleeping a little at his bedside. Dad woke up and told me to stop staring at him. That made me smile.

Jill came in and we moved Dad up a little bit in the bed. Dad is no longer able to "hold onto his bar" and help us move him. And that is another thing I found out. But under the surface, Dad is still so much still Dad. When we moved him up I was checking out his abdomen and Jill said "Is she poking on you, that's my job" and Dad pointed at me as if to say stop it. Dad took a few sips of water and some of his pills, actually four. The ones that we know help him be comfortable. The nurse is here to check Dad out. We know that he is starting to jaundice and that is not good at all. This sucks! At one point this week the nurse told us that it could be this weekend. From what I've seen I'm scared to say that really might be possible.

Pam and Deb are coming tomorrow to see Dad. Drive safely my dear aunts!

For now we are in the waiting mode........... one that we know the end result (or at least we think we do) and it is so draining................... I hope from all of this you love a little harder and longer and forgive a little more.

I'm off to go back to the kids school for an event tonight. I'll update more later.

Stephanie

Love Never Ends

Love never ends............ this is so true!

Today my sweet little boy turns seven! Happy Birthday son! I love you. Stephanie here, I never made it to Mom and Dad's last night. I did however get the cake ordered for Hayden's party and get a few gifts so that we can continue our birthday treasure hunt tradition. I ate lunch today with Hayden and went to his school at 1:30 for snack time. I took cookies (nope, not homemade). First graders are so adorable. When I told them I had to get back to work, they said that I should make a robot to look like me to do my work. If only that was truly possible.

I talked to Jill this morning around 9:00. I heard the dogs barking in the background and I could hear Dad saying "hey" as if to tell them to be quiet! That made me smile. They and the text messages I have received from Jill show Dad to be back to himself a little bit and that makes me smile. I will share those text updates with you soon I promise.

Hearing those things make me want to be there with Dad which of course I was not. I am going tomororw and Friday. My job is stressing me out. I am sure it is all in my head but I am so sick of phrases like "Okay, let me know if you'll be here" with the emphasis on "know". I would not wish this on anyone but cut me a little slack now and then.

I want to share with you My Aunt Shirley's thoughts from yesterday. Please read:

Well, after I got home from 1020 last night I posted a long comment to this
comment b/c I didn't know where else to post it and lo and behold it didn't
save. Bummer. I will attempt to update what I "updated" last night that
mysteriously disappeared.Shannon was working on the "Pancake Breakfast" church
flyers with her sweet friend Robin. The flyers will be coming directly from
Mimosa Lane Baptist and they are so beautiful. Shannon looked so good to me last
night. Please everyone give her special hugs and thoughts. She does "appear"
strong but...I saw Mike. Jill was with him. She tried to get him to eat some mac
and cheese but to no avail. He said did you come over the other night and I said
yes, with Ross. He said he just didn't remember. Then he said, tell Ross I said
thank you. When I got home last night I told Ross and he said he would go over.
I told him it needs to be very soon.I asked Mike what he would like for me to
pray specifically and he said "Corinthians." I asked Jill to find Corinthians 13
and she read it to him. It was so sweet. Mike said, that's what the preacher
says when you get married. That's right! It's the love chapter. We prayed for
peace and thanked God for the love He has for this family and for the love Mike
has for his family and the love they have for him. He said he was trying to
remember the "Shirley speech." I said what in the world is that! He said, you
know, get out of here, Jesus. I said, wait, it's get out of here, Satan! We
laughed! He said oops. So funny. I said we need Jesus in here and the devil out
of here! Precious. We talked a little out love being the absence of fear.
Interesting he wanted to hear the love chapter. He looks so tired, so very
tired. If someone wants to see him, they need to come now...

Love to all,

Stephanie

Papa Bear rallies?

I talked to Jill just now. The nurse came. Jill said that Dad is really different than he was yesterday. You know that is true when he gets irritated when you tell him the nurse is coming. Very funny! And he even laughs a little at your jokes.

Jill made Dad toast and cranberry juice. He ate at least three bites. The nurse talked to Jill and said that he is still in decline but is in a temporary rally. Dad appears to be more peaceful. Perhaps he has let go of some things.

The nurse will come each day to check on Dad so we are not doing crisis care as of yet. He has only had 2oo cc of urine output though in 25 hours. That is compared to 800 or so cc that we emptied like twice a day before so things are more than likely on a downward trend. That is not good.

If you read the comments to the previous post you will see that per Aunt Shirley "He is totally with it right now and is in there messing with his bed. Shannon is putting on her makeup and drying her hair. I still haven't seen him today but I can hear him talking and it is so different from last night when I thought it was the end. " I can agree with this comment "My emotions are so weird right now. "

I am leaving work to go order Hayden's cake for his party and get some gifts and pick them up and go by the school and run over and see Dad while things are still good. Hannah has dance tonight and Kevin normally plays tennis. I am just ALL over the place with what to do, what to do, what to do........... you see the person I normally call and walk through these things with is Dad. He will listen to me and hear all of my thoughts and tell me either........ I think you should ........................ or I think you should............ And he would ask me questions............Papa Bear, I'm missing you already.

Must go it is 5:16 pm

Stephanie

heartache

Lauren here..

I start to cry when I get a little text message there or pull up my browser and come to the "dailybaileyupdates" .. but you know what the important part is .. I can cry.
I lost it last night and what made me cry ten times harder was, I needed my Dad... I wanted my Papa Bear, to crawl in his lap and be able to cry. I know that I will have thousands of times in my life that this will happen, but the irony at the moment. I needed my Dad but he wasn't there.. he wasn't Dad.
I know that we will all have to go through this twice in our life. Just going through this a little longer and maybe its a bit of a rough journey than normal. We will all come out of this stronger, just may not feel strong at this moment. But think, the next time you have a friend, a family member, a co-worker go through this, you can hold their hand, and say you really have an idea of how they feel, and maybe provide an ounce of comfort in the situation. The comfort that is hard for us to find sisters, brother, momma..
I proud of my family for being as strong as they have been... and the continue to be amazing. But we would not be where with our with out all of our family, friends, sunday school, church, and even co-workers... You can never give enough thank yous.. but I want to say THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU. You will never know the things that you have done or will do, mean everything. I bought a thank you card the other day.. on the front it said "It is the little things that count" .. yes.. the little things.
The little moments you have with Dad, the hugs you have where you just have a good cry. The sarcastic smiles Dad gives you... How he still tries to do all that he can to help US. The phone calls you get from dad just see what is going on. When a bag of m&ms, a box of golden grahams, a cup of coffee from starbucks or a York peppermint patty can make the crappiest of days better. Another thing I have learned... how not to take the little things in life for granted.

all my brain can manage to put into words right now..
i love you all oodles and bunches. stick together.

Keeping Busy

Report from Bailey house as best as I know it this morning: Dad is resting, he said "Jill Marie" and it was in fact "Jill". I know that was good. Dad was upset and did not want Mom to leave him and "get ready for work" (Dad's words). So, I believe he is more lucid than yesterday. I really always knew that Dad would rally at least a little bit. He ate a bite or two of yogurt. Jill, Mom and Matt are there at the house. I'm not............. I know some of you might say that I should be but I feel better being here and busy and maybe just a little hiding from the reality of everything.

My Aunt Shirley is there with my mom, her sister. She is helping take care of things with the house. Cleaning and cleaning and doing dishes. Mom is making phone calls. You know the kind of calls you really don't want to have to make. So, as hard as it is people I would suggest you write down in details ALL of your wishes as much as possible to the celebration of your life after you have gone to Heaven. Leave it in a safe place.

I know that I don't want to step foot in a funeral home or talk to a funeral director. That is just not Dad at all. Stuffy and cold and so impersonal. Not my daddy. Church, although warm and inviting to me just does not say dad either. I envision gathering around with friends and family and sharing stories. Yes, the stories. So, I'm asking that if you have any stories to share about my Daddy, then please e-mail them to me. I would like to put together a book of these for my mom and sisters. So I know it is not junk mail since I don't have all of your e-mail addresses........ please put in the subject line: A Story about Mike and e-mail me your story to: stephanie_lewis232@yahoo.com and please sign your name so I know who wrote it.

And, yes, I have a huge cavity in my tooth, two to be exact. So, much that it is either root canal or pull them. I guess that is to mirror the holes that are going to be in my heart very soon. Yikes!

I am at work today. It seems just so much more productive than sitting and waiting and crying and crying. I feel so much better when I have my lists and things I need to accomplish. Whether they be for Hayden's birthday or for work or for the kid's school reading night I just think that I will get through this so much better than if I sit and sit and think and think........ don't worry guys. I know at some point it will hit me and I will have to deal. Don't worry about that. Deal with it I will.

I called hospice to come to the house today to pick up the wheelchair and other items we had for Dad. He has not used them in such a long time. And I guess it will be good to get them out of the house so they do not serve as constant reminders every time you see them that these too are things that Dad will never do again. The call to hospice was difficult. Hopefully, these things will be gone soon.

I just placed a call to one of my Dad's fraternity brothers (who happens to be a dentist) to ask his opinion about my teeth and to give him an update on my dad's situation. He is to call me back soon. I do trust his opinion. The receptionist asked how Dad was doing. I replied "not good, he is preparing to move from this life". To which she replied, "I am so sorry, I really liked your dad"........................ Me, too!

Crisis Care

I belive the time has come for Crisis Care to be with the Bailey House for 24 hours. A nurse is coming out tonight at 9:00. I have not talked to anyone since I learned of this but I wanted to let you guys know. I am thankful that we will not be alone, well I know that God will walk with us but I mean we will not be alone and hospice can answer the tehnical and medical questions and do their best to keep Dad as comfortable as possible.

What I wouldn't give to hear another "hello, hello" or hear my cell phone ring and it be Dad and he say "What's up."

I'm off to put my kids to bed, you know the ones that live in my house that I tend to forget live here. I am just so sad. All I can do right now is cry. I think I will sit in the bubble bath and try and absorb this all. That is if my sweet cousin Clay left me any hot water!

Hugs, Stephanie

But wait a minute Dad............

We are not finished with our lists............... and last time I saw you on Sunday you were sleeping so peacefully and I did not hug you because I did not want to wake you up. I did not tell you that I loved you and did not hear you say "I love you" or "How are my babies" ............. maybe there is still some time for that. I am not sure. I thought you were still working on your never ending lists of "things to do" Don't we still have a few things to do? We still have boxes to go through.......... you never got to see what a great job Lue and I did with all of that. And we did not get Matthew's furniture from Ikea. But I guess we did get it all picked out. I am struggling here Dad, help me. I do not want you to suffer but I am not ready to let you go. Seriously this has be the hardest thing I have ever done in my life.

So, Dad here is my letter from me to you............

Dear Dad,

Thank you for being there for me always

No matter what the trial or question

You always had an answer, even thought it might not be what we wanted to hear.

You could solve any problem not matter what it was

from boy troubles to school to friends

And sometimes I know we shared more than you wanted to know.......

In the end you listened and helped us through but you always let us make

the final decision

You loved us.......... more importantly you loved our mom

You taught us the importance of family and friends, but most important family

Family always first over anything

You loved us unconditionally even though sometimes I know we made that hard

You loved your babies the most. And, they loved you.

Tonight at Walgreens Hannah wanted to buy a Valentine for herself but then she felt selfish

So, she started looking for something for you...........

She found this lion that did this silly dance and she knew that it would make you laugh

I broke my heart to tell her that you would love it I know you would but you might not

appreciate now as much as you would have, she loved you so much..........

I think I might buy it for her anyway for Valentines and say it is from you......

You are the rock of all of us Dad, you kept us going.

I know that God will hold you and us and we will be okay

Even though this might hurt for a long, long time.........

I cannot imagine my life without you here to lean on
It is going to be so different.
I know you will always be there

Thank you for being the best daddy to me ever!

For loving me, for drying my hair straight for reading to me, for all the special things we

ever did together

Your daughter,

Stephanie

Dad is not so much Dad today........

Jill is back from Austin and is at Mom and Dad's today. I sent Jill a text message to ask for updates (the updates are below) This is making my heart sad. My head is in line with what is happening. But it my heart is freaking out. I just know I will not be prepared no matter what. I just want my dad to be back to dad. To look up at me and say "blood sugar" (that meant he wanted to know my blood sugar right now" or to ask "how his babies (grandkids) were doing. And right now he is not Dad at all. I am thankful for the time this weekend where he hugged me and loved on me. Where he asked how Kevin was feeling. Where he told Mom how hard I worked on Friday to take care of me. How he said a prayer and thanked God for me. My heart is just so sad and scared. Please God take good care of Daddy, please don't let him suffer more than he has to. We want him here. You know your plan.

Message from Jill at 3:42 pm
"He has not had anything (food) today and has not had a lucid moment. Doesn't know who I am at all. Just says 'ow. Can u help? And don't do that and stop. ' Won't take meds"

Response text from Steph to Jill
"I am so sorry. Does he know mom or Matt? We need to report this change to hospice and his nurse. I talked to our medical director. He had nothing but good things to say about our
hopsice agency".

Message from Jill at 4:45 pm
"The nurse was here."

Message from Jill at 4:47 pm
He just says "Help me, will you please help me over and over. Can ya help me? Please please." He is not Dad today at all.

Message from Jill at 5:23 pm
"Nurse says he will pass within the month. 24 hours care can come when it is close. Hard to say when that will be."

Message from Jill at 5:27 pm
"Couple of sips of water. He keeps sayin can I go? Can I please go. Will you help me go? I say go where? Go to sleep? Go poop? He says 'I don't know. Ow, ow, ow.' "

Steph's response to Jill
"Jill he might be asking 4 permission to go as in leave this life. Tell him yes he can" (I want to say no don't go really."

Message from Jill at 5:28 pm
"I did just smile at him and he gave me one of his fake smiles. That is the first real reaction I have gotten from him".

Message from Jill at 5:37 pm
"Might cancel Colorado trip if dad doesn't come around. I am going to wait till Wednesday."

Message from Jill at 5:38 pm
"I told him he can go and we will be okay. Told him he can go whenever and wherever he wants."

Keep us very close these next few days.

Stephanie

Pain: 50 Us: 5

Not much different to report today. Dad's pain seems to be out of control. I called the nurse today and she advised that we were not giving medicine often enought to Dad. This we know but he is sometimes so reluctant to take any medicine. So the nurse gave us some good suggestions on what to do and how to phrase things so that we get medicines down and stay ahead of the pain because that is so much easier than the pain getting ahead of us. Right now, it is so frustrating because he is not a little kid but you have to work with him like he is. Like today, when the nurse asked him if he wanted medicine and Dad said yes a does of 5, the nurse gave him 15. That feels so deceitful. But necessary none the less.

Mom got to go to Sunday School this morning.

Matt is here with Mom. I have been here since 1:00 this morning. Dad slept last night from 12 to 1 and then was up until about 2:30 or so and slept until about 4:00 and then was up until almost 6:00 when I offered him an English Muffin and he said okay. I went to the kitchen and came back and he was asleep. So, I shut the door and I ate the muffin and went back to bed. Dad got up probably around 6:45 ish and Mom got up with him. Anyone see a trend here? And, if any of you are night owls and are good medicine pushers here is your formal inviation to come to the Bailey House any night.

Dad is napping right now. I am going getting ready to go visit with some of our friends in Plano for the superbowl. I'm excited but stressed and feel rushed.

The main question I have to ask is where do the days go? I mean it is already almost 4:30 pm and I have not hardly done anything but take care of Dad and the doggies.

Jill is in Austin and will be on the road after the Superbowl. I am really looking forward to sleeping in my own bed tonight.

Go Giants!
Stephanie

Dad's Starving!

Good afternoon. Stephanie here. To recap this morning.

Dad slept from 12 - 1 am. He was awake from 1 am to 3 am. Matt and I were up with him during this time. Of course, he had to get mom up too because he was starving. So at 1:15 am he had grits and eggs and an english muffin. Most of the english muffin went to the dog Laddie. I got a litte bite of it. Seriously, Matt and I offered to cook the food but it just seems to be so much better when his sweet wife gets up and does it for him.

It was really scary because when Dad woke up he looked so sleepy and groggy. But he finally woke up a little more. And, in the middle of the night I learned I am thankful for:

• Lysol spray to cover up the smells.............. ewh the smells
• Gloves to protect your hands
• Ability to breathe deep and not throw up
• Dad's ability to still have his sense of humor during all of this
• My brother who actually stepped up the plate and got up and brought me stuff while we were taking care of Dad
• Coffee, more coffee

That is all I am allowed to say about our middle of the night trials at the Bailey house. Dad fell sound asleep at about 3:03 am. I quietly tiptoed around the room to pick up all of the supplies to avoid anyone tripping over anything when they woke up and finally got myself to sleep around 3;40. I got up a few times during the night and checked on Dad and he was still storing away.

I haven't been in this morning to see how he is doing. I wanted to have some breakfast myself and coffee and check my e-mail and update you guys before I did. I also want to check in with my sweet little family who I have not seen since Wednesday night. Hannah is going to a movie today with some friends. Basketball game for Hayden. I miss them very, very much.

Will update more today as time allows. Keep us close. And, Bailey sisters............ I think we would welcome you back whenever you could join us. From what I have observed it is just being in there with Dad during the day to get him stuff, pray with him, and keep him company. It would be nice anytime you can come. During the week, maybe down early in the morning and back in the evening. Whatever works.............

NAPS......... yeah

Dad napped from 5:45 tonight until almost 9:30. I napped some too. Maggie and I had a very good nap. She has been so sweet to me tonight. She knows I am stressed to the max.

Dad woke up from his nap very groggy and sleepy. Scary I tell you. But then he came around and started asking questions "How is Kevin feeling?"

Mom got home and brought Chinese Food for me, Matt and her. Dad did not eat dinner tonight. He kept saying he was not sure what he wanted, he was thinking about it and he would let me know. Mom visited with Dad while I cleaned up the kitchen Stephanie style. Matt did the dishes, don't get me wrong but it was all the papers and "stuff" that was everywhere. So, in order to have an outlet for all of this emotion I cleaned up the kitchen and did some other straightening.

I am tired and am trying not to get grouchy. But you know I was on duty almost all day yesterday and will be into the night. Yesterday, I helped Lauren figure out the car thing and made sure that no one conversation went the wrong direction. Okay, that sounded bad. What I mean is I am trying to convey to everyone to listen to dad and if he tells you there is a bird in the room flying around, you go along with it. And, when you leave dad's room to go get something in the kitchen you always make it all about dad. You say "Dad I'm going to the kitchen what can I get for you?" Not "Dad I am going to make me some lunch". And, when you come in the room you tell him everything you are doing. So, this is a learned behavior.

Got to run, here a cell phone ringing somewhere and I bet Dad is awake and Mom is not and I cannot finish this update.

More tomorrow.

Mom gave Dad his nightly meds. I went in to bring Dad the medicine book and

Observations......

Hello everyone, Stephanie here again. Just wanted to update everyone on this afternoon.



Dad is .........

Well that was at 3:00 when I thought Dad was going to take a nap and Dad has other things in mind.

Matt is running errands. Lauren is running errands. Mom is working. Jill is in Austin. Dad is napping. No that was not a typo. I am about to. Wish me luck.

Some observations for all you bloggers out there......

• Dealing with the dying is like taking care of a two year old in the middle of a temper tantrum. You might as well agree with them and move on. Arguing over a lollipop in the middle of the store is never a good idea. I find this so true with Dad. When he says something crazy, then you should just go with it.
• Having experience being a mom helps with this process. ........
• Save your tissue paper from Christmas gifts and that comes in handy to wrap up your ornaments from your tree. Did not do this last year. Wish I would of.
• Deodarant is not something you should forget to wear when sitting for hours on end in your Dad's room with the heater going non stop. Thankful I was able to get a break for bath number two.
• When you are ready to sit and chill, that will never be an option
• It will take you 5 days to make one business phone call becuase you will try to make the call and get called to help do something else
• You sometimes never know when to help and when to leave stuff alone. This is normal
• You want to SCREAM out loud often. Running outside and actually doing it is very, very helpful.
• Doggies really know when you are very upset and try to comfort you the best they can. Maggie has been right by my side all day.
• There will be times when you HATE your siblings and are very aggravagted with them and you don't understand why they are the way they are.
• Prayer is very helpful. Dad told his nurse we have been praying three times a day and that has been working.
• You will not be able to call anyone back when you said you would because you get pulled somewhere else

So, that is that........ I am going to go nap with Maggie and pray that Mom does not wake us up when she gets home.

Steak & Sauce

Okay guys, in all that ranting (see post below tittled "What to Say") I forgot tell you that last night for dinner Dad had a piece of steak. We cut off a piece of the steak and cooked it for him. I guess never imagining that he would actually eat it all and after he was done he asked if there was any more. Ooops! When we brought him the steak he asked for sauces for the steak so we brought him A-1, Heinz 57 and ketchup and he tried all of them.

Then he wanted to know what Lauren was having for dessert. So, he had peaches and ice cream. Yum!

And, then Lauren and I went to Walgreens and dad was upset because we did not tell him we were going (which we so did) and that he had been calling us for hours (no missed calls on my end).

Anywho, pray that today holds peace for Dad for him to find peace with this situation and pray for patience and understanding for us. Pray for God to lead our words and walk around on our shoulder.

Hugs guys ........... I could really use a hug..............

Stephanie

What to say?

Stephanie here....................

What do you say to the dying? How do you listen to their words and not take them personally. You know this is not something that we have a life script for, that our training growing up gave us any words to use. We can read and read on the sites for hospice to tell us what "kinds" of things to do but that leaves out the element of the fact that each person is so different. So, how to talk and listen is very difficult. I know we need to lean on God. That is something maybe I missed last night and yesterday.

Last night I crashed around midnight. I could not do it anymore. So, I left my sister, Lauren, who had already told me that she could not stay up nights to take care of Dad. I can so imagine because I have been there. She tried to get me up once around 3:30 am and was not successful. I know my sister Jill has done this for about 5 days straight all on her own (with Mom's help), you know the days and the nights and I really don't know how she did it.

And to further support my story of not knowing what to say and talking things personally I share with you this story:

This morning, I have no idea what went on except that Dad wanted to "get up". And, that could mean so many things when he says that. Like he could just mean that he wants to go up in the bed. But you know I think mentally he wants to "get up" and "walk again". So, when he said that today Lauren told him that she could not get him up. And then I don't know what happened after that except as I was laying on the couch I could hear Dad yelling and as I was walking through the den I heard Dad say to Lauren "Go back to Arkansas and don't come back" Ouch. To which Mom replied "Michael!" You know because we all want him to realize how unreasonable he sounds and that is when Dad told mom to "Shut the _________ up". " I mean seriously guys, I know that is not really Dad. But, it is so hard when you hear those things to just not want to pack up your car and go home and never come back. So, when I walked in the room somehow it ended up that we all, me, Lauren and Mom just left the room.

Dad told mom he was going to call the police. I told her fine, let him call them. Seriously, maybe if they took us to jail we would all get maybe 8 hours of sleep. We could all share a cell. Just kidding you guys.

So, while we were all three out in the den, we heard Dad on the phone and here is the conversation "I need the number for elder abuse.............." Everyone else but me was like "GO IN THERE and SEE WHAT HE is Doing". I just let him talk and talk. And the rest of the convesration went like this "Elder abuse? I need to report abuse, yes,............" And he proceeded to give his full name and address and social security number. And then, he hung up. I had gone into the room and this point and started to straighten up a little bit. I was just letting Dad go on and on because he was doing all of this talking into the remote control for the bed adjustment. Lauren is from the den saying "Stephanie" Ha, ha.. okay not so funny. So when I left the room with mom for a minute again to tell them what happened. Dad called "Elder Abuse" back and told them to "hold off for a while".................... Good, you know if they did come out here, I wonder what would they say? You know sometimes I just think Dad needs to vent without anyone else in there with him.

You know right now, there is no reasoning with Dad. I just go along with whatever he says, no matter how right or wrong it is. I feel that there is no point of arguing with him at this point because you cannot reason with him.

I have no ideas what to do right now. I do know this much. That since Luaren and Matt are here I should not be. I should be working, or should I? No one but Gods know how or when the end will be. I will just have to give this to God and let him figure it out for me. Because you know right now I am DONE!