Cleaning the Closet(s) Part 2

It is now 1:17 in the morning at the Bailey house.

Matt, Mom and all the animals are sound asleep. Me, not so much. I don't really know why because I am really exhausted both emotionally and physically. I think the reason I have such a hard time winding down is that in the Bailey house for such a long time sleep was not something you did. You took care of Dad and you looked after each other and you tried to take care of the rest of the things in your life. In my mind, when I am here, I should be doing so much more. It seems so wrong that Dad is not here to look after anymore. It seems we have so much free time on our hands. It isn't that we don't have stuff that we could do to fill the time it just seems so quiet and that is going to take a lot of getting used to. While I would not want Dad to suffer any more what I wouldn't give for one more day or conversation or dictation for one of the daily to do lists.

We are deep into reviewing and cleaning out and getting ready for a yard sale (hopefully soon). Here is just a few things we did today:

1. Matt and I loaded up lots of trash and took it to the recycle center. No more old TV entertainment center, chairs and all that trash outside by the trash cans. That looks nice.
2. Mom cleaned up the living room by mopping and dusting and mopping and dusting.
3. Maggie helped by bringing us lots of toys to play with. Seriously she things she is helping us out.
4. Matt and I boxed up some paperback books for the yard sale.
5. I finally figured out a way to go through Dad's closet. Matt was in there with me and we went through every item in the closet and saw if first it might be something that Matt could wear. We did find a few Polo's in Matt's size. There were also a few Ralph Lauren Polo's that Matt couldn't wear but I know a handsome 40 something year old that might could. And as we went through each item of clothing, we moved the items that did not fall into those categories to the bottom shelf. As I moved the items to the bottom shelf, it seemed like for every thing that I found or moved I could say "I remember when Dad wore................" Memories, always the memories.
6. I boxed up the Dad's shoes and the sweaters. I found a baseball cap, navy with Captain embroidered on it. I hung that up in the closet.
7. I took pictures of the closet in the phases of doing so it helped me to know that I will have those memories of the way things were. Taking that apart like I said in the previous post seemed wrong. I found a lot of interesting things. I'll post the pictures when I figure out how to get them off my cell phone. Probably will be sometime in 2009.
8. Matt transferred all of Dad's ties to his closet. I'm really hopeful that one day soon my sweet brother Matt will have lots of use for those ties in the way of a job interview or job of some sorts.
9. Mom and I went to see the movie Mamma Mia! It was a really good, funny, movie.
10. Mom and I came back to the house. I ate some leftover CiCi's pizza that Matt got. Matt not too happy that his sister ate his leftovers.
11. Mom organized the paperwork regarding the air conditioner and we listened to the Mama Mia soundtrack. I went through two baskets of paperwork. You know after loosing someone you realize that there are several little things that that person takes care of that you don't really realize until after they are gone. Little things or big things like household repairs and keeping up with all of that and knowing who to call. I'm thankful for our friend Randy. He is coming to look at the a/c on Tuesday.

And after all of this, Mom was ready for sleep but my mind was moving way too much so we went back into her room and worked a little more in there. It is taking shape. There is still though so much to go through and decide what to do.......... dressers, drawers in the bathroom, medical drawers from when we cared for him at home............... But I am excited about the progress we made today. Huge hugs to all of you. Thanks for continuing to love us and pray for us and hold us close. We need you...........

How to clean out a closet, Part I

Hello again. Hayden and I are at Casa Bailey tonight. Hannah is sleeping over a friend's house. Kevin is home alone, kind of like the movie. Tomorrow is his birthday so his gift is some peace and quiet. He texted me when he got home from work and told me the house was really quiet. I can relate. It is quiet here too in a really different kind of way.

I decided to come over to the Bailey house after a conversation that went something like this with Mom.

M - I've been making lists and there is lots to do.... closets to clean out
S - Hayden and I can come over Friday night, I'll help you.....

Easier. said. than. done. Seriously...........

When Hayden and I arrived Mom had just finished washing her car. When we went inside, Mom said "Come take a look at the closet, see what you think" Okay, we weren't talking about Mom's closet. Yep, Dad's closet. I, of course, I wanted to work in the kitchen, my safe zone. Memories there, meal preparatoins, making snacks, having coffee, and making food for Dad in the kitchen that NEVER closed. In the kitchen, there are not as many memories of the end of his life and the fact that he is no longer here. The bedroom, those memories are everywhere.

Mom gave the doggies a bath and then took a shower herself. I just stood there staring at the closet. Where do you start? How do you start? What to do? I just seems so wrong to take everything of the closet and sort through it all but yet I know that it something that will need to be done at some point. No rushes here. I keep thinking Dad should be here to wear the clothes....... jeans, khaki pants, shoes, polos, shirts, ties, windbreakers......... and more. I feel like that we should all be back here to do this together, me and my sisters and Mom and Matt. To me, that just seems like it would be better to have us all here together.

So, I headed back to the kitchen (my safe zone. I can fix stuff in the kitchen and wash dishes and it is all better). Matt joined me (against his will, well not really). We got the kitchen picked up. Then there was a game of chess with Hayden and Matt and the kitchen finally was done.

Then, I decided to go through papers and misc. stuff in the bedroom. Not of course the reason I was invited over. I think Mom summed it up when she said "this is going to be sad". So so true.

As I worked I ran across many things that made the grief fall over me and stop me in my tracks. I just wanted to curl up and go to sleep. Here are some of the things I found:

• Receipt for Emergency Room Copay for 10/18/07 - our personal D Day.
• Nurses notes from the day Dad came home from the hospital. Nurses notes read "patient alert x 3". So true. Dad arrived home from the hospital and was calling us on the home line from his cell to see where his grits were. Seriously, I'm not kidding about that one.
• Dad's glasses.
• Mom's sewing materials, velcro and a pair of Dad's boxers that Mom had to of been in the process of fixing for him so he could have the sense of normalcy and wear some of the things he always did. Never finished. Never will need to finish. These type of things are such a slap in the face.
• All of the extra furniture and tables and such that we moved around in that room to make things work for the 24/7 care and then some.
• The CD player that dad used to listen to music and how he would fiddle with it and wanted to do it himself and how he got frustrated sometimes when you tried to intervene.
• A letter I wrote Dad when I was in college that we found while Dad was alive as we went through all of the boxes that were in storage.
• The words "surge protectors" written in Dad's handwriting on a computer print out of some medications that Jill and Lue were researching. I started to save the writing because it makes me remember the pieces of Dad. But you would be proud of me. That was recycled.
• Stacks of to do lists and notes and several things in Dad's writing.
• Photo TV remote caddy was on his table 24/7 and housed all of the things that he needed to have. I thought many of nights that somehow that might end up broken or on the floor but alas it did not.
• Many, many magazines. Dad loved to read magazines.
• A receipt for one of Dad's doctor appointments.
• A notecard from a church in Live Oak, TX letting Dad know they were praying for him.
• Oh, and Mom's RE-9, craftily chewed by one adorable black puppy doggie. Oops!

In the corner, is the remnants of the medical supplies that we used to take care of dad, his dresser still filled with clothes, and medicnies and personal stuff in the bathroom. I guess this is like ripping off a band-aid. You know it is going to be painful but once you do it it stings and then you get through it. You do. It isn't fun at all. This process is going to be brutal.

On a positive note, Hayden is having a blast hanging out with his Uncle Matthew. He is staying up late (something I will probably regret later today, since it is 2:00 am it is already today). At last check they were watching Star Wars and giggling and having loads of fun. Hayden is good for Matt. I just wish there was a way so that we could see each other more often. Mom and I watched some TV, had some coffee, strawberries and I had some mini Vanilla Wafers (so yum, so not on my meal plan).

Everyone now is sleeping so must go do the same. The yeah for tomorrow is a hair cut/color or something for me!!! Maybe I'll be brave and post before and after pictures.

Stephanie

July 4th

Mom and Matt came over to the Lewis Day Care Fourth - not really there were just LOTS of cute adorable kids. I tried keeping extra busy this year because every little memory was about last July fourth and what we were doing at each time of the night. I missed Dad a lot this year. I know he would have been so proud of his grand kids and enjoyed every one's company. It really wasn't that the fourth was a big holiday that we normally got together for. It was just the fact that he was gone I think that bothered me most of all.

We watched the fireworks from our game room. Kevin's friend asked if he watched them last year. Kevin replied that he watched them from his car. Leo asked if his family was there. Kevin said no. He said someone had forgotten something and he took it to them. Yep, some did forget something. That would be Dad. And. medicines. ouch. You see the little things. Here is a silly picture from July 4Th. This isn't the best picture of all of us but it is one of the last ones I have of us together before the pictures we have from the Colorado trip. Memories to treasure.

Not much to report at Bailey Casa. Matt starts school this week at Devry. His classes are on Thursday so hopefully we can consolidate the trips from home to there to cut down on the gas bill. Matt applied for a job at AMC theaters. No word from them (at least that is what he tells me). However, I did leave him a message the other day and he has yet to call me back.....hmm..

Yard at Casa Bailey is done thanks to my hubby with some help from my brother. Said hubby took a good portion of this Saturday to take care of that. I love him for that. I tagged along and didn't do much. I helped Mom with put some labels on some catalogs. It seems to have no energy to do much over there. There was so much energy put towards doing and fixing and doing up until February and now it just seems wrong or empty or something. I'm not sure which one.

Thanks for checking in.