How to clean out a closet, Part I

Hello again. Hayden and I are at Casa Bailey tonight. Hannah is sleeping over a friend's house. Kevin is home alone, kind of like the movie. Tomorrow is his birthday so his gift is some peace and quiet. He texted me when he got home from work and told me the house was really quiet. I can relate. It is quiet here too in a really different kind of way.

I decided to come over to the Bailey house after a conversation that went something like this with Mom.

M - I've been making lists and there is lots to do.... closets to clean out
S - Hayden and I can come over Friday night, I'll help you.....

Easier. said. than. done. Seriously...........

When Hayden and I arrived Mom had just finished washing her car. When we went inside, Mom said "Come take a look at the closet, see what you think" Okay, we weren't talking about Mom's closet. Yep, Dad's closet. I, of course, I wanted to work in the kitchen, my safe zone. Memories there, meal preparatoins, making snacks, having coffee, and making food for Dad in the kitchen that NEVER closed. In the kitchen, there are not as many memories of the end of his life and the fact that he is no longer here. The bedroom, those memories are everywhere.

Mom gave the doggies a bath and then took a shower herself. I just stood there staring at the closet. Where do you start? How do you start? What to do? I just seems so wrong to take everything of the closet and sort through it all but yet I know that it something that will need to be done at some point. No rushes here. I keep thinking Dad should be here to wear the clothes....... jeans, khaki pants, shoes, polos, shirts, ties, windbreakers......... and more. I feel like that we should all be back here to do this together, me and my sisters and Mom and Matt. To me, that just seems like it would be better to have us all here together.

So, I headed back to the kitchen (my safe zone. I can fix stuff in the kitchen and wash dishes and it is all better). Matt joined me (against his will, well not really). We got the kitchen picked up. Then there was a game of chess with Hayden and Matt and the kitchen finally was done.

Then, I decided to go through papers and misc. stuff in the bedroom. Not of course the reason I was invited over. I think Mom summed it up when she said "this is going to be sad". So so true.

As I worked I ran across many things that made the grief fall over me and stop me in my tracks. I just wanted to curl up and go to sleep. Here are some of the things I found:

• Receipt for Emergency Room Copay for 10/18/07 - our personal D Day.
• Nurses notes from the day Dad came home from the hospital. Nurses notes read "patient alert x 3". So true. Dad arrived home from the hospital and was calling us on the home line from his cell to see where his grits were. Seriously, I'm not kidding about that one.
• Dad's glasses.
• Mom's sewing materials, velcro and a pair of Dad's boxers that Mom had to of been in the process of fixing for him so he could have the sense of normalcy and wear some of the things he always did. Never finished. Never will need to finish. These type of things are such a slap in the face.
• All of the extra furniture and tables and such that we moved around in that room to make things work for the 24/7 care and then some.
• The CD player that dad used to listen to music and how he would fiddle with it and wanted to do it himself and how he got frustrated sometimes when you tried to intervene.
• A letter I wrote Dad when I was in college that we found while Dad was alive as we went through all of the boxes that were in storage.
• The words "surge protectors" written in Dad's handwriting on a computer print out of some medications that Jill and Lue were researching. I started to save the writing because it makes me remember the pieces of Dad. But you would be proud of me. That was recycled.
• Stacks of to do lists and notes and several things in Dad's writing.
• Photo TV remote caddy was on his table 24/7 and housed all of the things that he needed to have. I thought many of nights that somehow that might end up broken or on the floor but alas it did not.
• Many, many magazines. Dad loved to read magazines.
• A receipt for one of Dad's doctor appointments.
• A notecard from a church in Live Oak, TX letting Dad know they were praying for him.
• Oh, and Mom's RE-9, craftily chewed by one adorable black puppy doggie. Oops!

In the corner, is the remnants of the medical supplies that we used to take care of dad, his dresser still filled with clothes, and medicnies and personal stuff in the bathroom. I guess this is like ripping off a band-aid. You know it is going to be painful but once you do it it stings and then you get through it. You do. It isn't fun at all. This process is going to be brutal.

On a positive note, Hayden is having a blast hanging out with his Uncle Matthew. He is staying up late (something I will probably regret later today, since it is 2:00 am it is already today). At last check they were watching Star Wars and giggling and having loads of fun. Hayden is good for Matt. I just wish there was a way so that we could see each other more often. Mom and I watched some TV, had some coffee, strawberries and I had some mini Vanilla Wafers (so yum, so not on my meal plan).

Everyone now is sleeping so must go do the same. The yeah for tomorrow is a hair cut/color or something for me!!! Maybe I'll be brave and post before and after pictures.

Stephanie