Frozen...........

Warning short novel below. You might want to pause and go get tea and coffee and come back. The keyboard is just so healing for me.

Lots of things have been happening over the last few days. I'm doing better I think and then something hits me and I go into a daze and just freeze. I cannot move. I am so thankful to be able to talk today to a sweet coworker Callie that listened to me ramble on. Callie lost someone very dear to her last January so she could totally relate to everything I was saying. It totally stinks to be members of this club, the ones that have lost someone dear but it also gives me comfort to know that there are those out there that get what I'm going through. That understand. That can truly feel your pain and walk with you in this journey. Thank you.

On the way to school the other day I told Hayden and Hannah that I had to run back home because I forgot something. I told Hannah I needed to let my boss know when Hayden's check up was. Hannah words that she spoke shocked me to the core. She said "Hayden's appointment cannot be on March 3rd". Knowing full well that that was Dad's birthday I asked her "Why can't Hayden's appointment be on the 3rd?" To which Hannah replied "Because that is Granddad's birthday, so he can't have his appointment then." Oh, I see. We started talking about our new traditions for that day. Hannah said she wanted to make a cake from scratch. Hayden said we should put 63 candles on it. That really mad me sad. Almost as much as the pain that shot through me when I was checking e-mail tonight and the subject line for one of my e-mails read:
First Reminder for Mike Bailey's Birthday on Monday March 3rd . Yikes. Yep....... Hayden has a soccer game that evening and then we will celebrate and remember Dad and Granddad. Hannah wants to make a heart shaped cake and I think that it will help us heal so every year that is going to be our new tradition for that day. Heart day................................. And, maybe we will think this year of 63 things that were special or that we remember about........... We'll see how it goes and hopefully post a picture of our cake.

Speaking of soccer, tonight was Hayden's first soccer game of the season. Game time was at 6:00. At 5:30, I was still at work which there was no reason for because I didn't have anything pressing. There was no reason I should not have been able to LEAVE and be on time to Hayden's game. I just could not go. I don't know if it was because the last game I remember going to Dad was in the hospital and still here. I remember leaving Mesquite and rushing back to my end of town after working all day on cleaning out the storage building. Or, I don't know if the reason I couldn't leave was because things were just TOO normal. Is it the normalcy of everything that is freezing me in my tracks? I think so.

The kids are off school tomororrow. I'm staying home with them in the morning. I'm excited because that means I get to sleep late and regroup. This working the entire week is draining at best. Kevin is going to stay with them in the afternoon. And then I think Kevin is going to a Maverick game tomorrow night. It will be good for the kids and I to hang out tomorrow and snuggle and probably watch more HGTV.

In just about everything I do there is a memory or thought of my sweet papa. Seriously, everything. And then I run across things that reduce me to tears like last night I found his report of catscan from the D-Day of October 18, 2007. I will FOREVER be grateful to my sweet sister Lauren who I was talking to on the phone on the way home from seeing her at college who as I was in Mesquite said "Are you going to stop by and see Dad?" Duh, yes. So, I did. And that is a very sweet memory of my Papa Bear. He was weak but up. Mom and Dad had been cleaning that Sunday. Dad was proud of all they had done in their room. He was up and moving and walking around. Not bound to the bed like the last few months of his life. That was the last time I saw him up and walking and doing all of the things Dads do. He was in pain but he was still Dad. And I never will forget what Hannah asked me when we got in the car. "Mom is Granddad going to die?" Of course this is before I knew how SERIOUS things were. Because Daddy said it was not that bad and we always believe our Daddy. Thank you sweet sister for nudging me to stop by. For that I will be forever grateful.

There is so much more to share with you all but my head is starting to hurt and I need to seek out the Advil Liquid Gels and get to bed. I promise I will soon share a song that Hannah wrote about her Granddad dying. I will give you adequate time to prepare yourselves and get your Kleenex ready. She sang it to me. I bawled and cried. Hannah cried. It makes me realize that she is healing much like me. I should know this but I'm thinking of her like a little girl when she is a mini adult. Seriously.

I love you all bunches and bunces and miss you all very, very much!