Preparing to Say Goodbye

These past few days have been a blur, an incredibly cruel nightmare that one wishes they coudl wake up from.

Monday I headed over to Mom and Dad's and we began the steps that one needs to do......... first comes finalizing the obituary........ And, I might add that this is when it pays to be short with words, especially when publishing in the Dallas Morning News.......... might I also add that the same obituary (even more words) was hundreds of dollar less............

Then the next thing to do was figure out what to wear. You know I know that it did not really matter what one wears. That no mater what it would have been fine. The hardest part was I wanted to ask Dad what he thought of this or that. But he was not here. And, then the even harder part was going shopping and knowing what you were looking for and why and shopping in sizes that made you cry because you have not been to the gym in FOREVER because going to the gym just never seemed to fit in the schedule of taking care of dad and working and everything else. This made me not be at the happiest of places. I was easily moved to tears at any moment. Thankfully, my sweet cousin Amy came to my rescue AGAIN and rushed around Dillards looking for the perfect outfit. And, then we hit Target and Walmart for Valentine stuff. I managed to find a blouse and black pants but no true outfit. During this shopping trip, Kevin called my cell. I did not answer because I was on the phone talking to my good friend. So, he called Amy's cell and then I got to talk to him. Kevin explained that Hannah had made a picture to put on Granddad's grave. You know in his casket. Oh, the things that require explanation because Dad's wishes were that he be cremated. I tried to explain the best I could sitting on the dressing room floor in bra and panties and in a puddle of tears.............. Oh, the questions.

I decided to come home on Monday evening, well actually it was early Tuesday morning. It was a fitting drive, another middle of the night travel down 35 to 183 to Colleyville. I felt that I needed to be here for my kids and take them to school. I arrived home around 2:30 am. It was so typical for the last few months. I got up on Tuesday and took the kids to school. On the way to school Hannah asked me how we knew Granddad was about to die. She was asking because there were several people gathered at the house. I explained to her that the body gives us signs, you know low blood pressure, slow breathing, less urine output, etc. She paused for a few minutes and then said "You mean if Daddy's customer would've been on time then we would have gotten there (to Granddad's before he died) because I did not get to say goodbye." Who knew that this conversations was going to go that way? I explained to her that we cannot always be there and most importantly Granddad knew she loved him. Ouch.....

After that conversation, I went into school, dropped the kids off and ran into one of the Mom's in Hayden's class. She has been so helpful these past few days. I told her cookies would be nice. Then I marched right into Ms. Moore's office (the school counselor) to know what to expect with my babies and to find out how to answer their tough questions. It was a long conversation and I was glad she had the time to talk to me.

Feeling a litte more equipped to handle some of the sitations of the next few days, I headed to the mall............... I spent from about 10:00 am to almost 2:00 wandering around the mall............... I found lots of sales and thankfully the perfect black dress for Hannah to wear. Do you know how difficult it is to find a "black" dress for a little girl size 12 when all of the stores are displaying Easter and spring dresses. Thankfully, JCPenney came to the rescue as they had all of their winter items clearanced and it was just what I was looking for. I also found a skirt for me............ then shoes for almost the entire family............ and a sweater and jeans for me at Chicos............... I did receive a call from my sweet sister Lue who reminded me "Sis, this is in in 5 hours"............. I know, I know........................... I think that that time was what I needed. Time to be alone and to process and heal a little bit. I purchased a guest book for the services. I then explained to my dear husband that retail therapy hopefully is cheaper than real therapy.

I picked up my kids and came home and rushed around to pack up the car to take the almost final journey to Dad's to begin the process of saying goodbye. Hannah sensed my stress and walked towards me with her arms open wide and gave me a big hug.

When I apologized to her for having to rush around, she said so sweetly.........."That's okay Mommy. It has been a long time since you got to go to the mall."

Isnt' that so true....................................

The visitation was Tuesday. Many friends and family members stopped by to visit. I had no tears that night. It was really not what I was expecting. It was a true celebration of Dad's life and how he lived to be surrounded like that. Friends, true. But Family always first.

I'll update more later. I must go get ready for Hayden's basketball game.