Trying to Find Our Place in this New "Normal"

We are all trying to get back to the “new normal” of our lives.

I'll update you on that part of the journey for me over the last few days......I'll apologize up front for being so wordy…….. I just haven’t felt much like coming to this place but now, I know that I need to share with you to help myself heal and move on………… my steps in this journey will be baby ones……

Valentines Day came and went. I spent the night with Mom and my siblings after the services and went to the kid’s valentines parties. The minute I walked in the school I was hit with emotions from I’m not sure where. It felt wrong to be there. I guess more importantly it felt like I should’ve been doing something else. For so long in order to do anything like this it would’ve required planning with Jill and Lauren and Mom to make sure someone would be there for Dad. This did not require anything like that. I had no real energy and was not much help to any of the moms there. I then let Hayden have a friend over that I had to watch as boys will be boys…….. Seriously, what was I thinking?

Friday I hung out at the kid’s school and worked in the library and work room and had lunch with both Hayden and Hannah. By the time Hannah’s lunch was over, I had had enough. So, I left the school and went home and took a 3 hour nap. I slept so hard that when I woke up I didn’t even know what day it was. I had a bad dream that I had dropped Hayden off for an activity and when I went to pick him up the teacher was not there and neither was Hayden. I called Hayden’s name and no one could find him. A really parallel to my life now. Something and someone is missing.

Friday evening, it was back to the routines…….. I actually TOOK and picked Hannah up from dance. I can’t remember the last time I’ve actually done that. That had become something that Kevin was doing. And, then came Saturday………. Hayden’s basketball game. I woke up at MY house and got ready for the game at MY house…… there was no taking care of Dad right up to when I needed to leave for the game or deciding if I should stay and take care of Dad or go to the game. I actually rode with my family to the game. Can I just tell you again how good and wrong that I felt doing that all at the same time? Afterwards, I came home and took a nap! Yeah for naps……… can I just say that? Please don’t be worried that I’m spiraling into a deep depression; although I know that I need to watch for that. I just need time to rest my emotional well being. My heart needs time to heal. And, it can’t do so awake right now………………. I find that I am either really tired and have to sleep RIGHT NOW or my heart and mind are going 90 miles an hour and I must stay awake and up.

Saturday night I went to see the movie 27 Dresses with Mom and her friend. It was a good movie. Saturday night, the kids and I spent the night with Mom and Matt and Jill. I stayed up really late Saturday night into the wee hours of Sunday morning with my sweet sister Jill. I think we went to bed at 3:00 am. We talked about a lot of things. We reminisced about taking care of Dad. I helped her find all of the things she needed to pack up and take home.

Sunday, Matt and I worked on straightening the house and the kids earned money helping us clean. Mom and I went shopping and Uncle Matthew watched my kids………… I was doing okay until I saw Mom all crumbled over in the chair that we spent so much time sitting in next to Dad’s bed. She was crying. She was thinking about Dad. I think in time she will also find her new normal. This is all such a huge adjustment.

I was off work on Monday for President’s Day…….. more napping…………. More going through tons of paperwork and things that I have let go over the last few months. I have a lot of catching up to do. I came into work on Tuesday for a few hours and attended my best friends’ grandfather’s services. I was so thankful that the normal security guard was off yesterday. He would’ve asked me about Dad. I would’ve probably lost it. My sweet coworkers collected money to give the Bailey Family. My work is also providing dinner for my family Thursday night. My sweet coworkers are here supporting me. I at work today (Wednesday) and I can do a few things and then I have to get up and walk around or get some coffee. I can honestly say I’m not sure what A fish out of water feels like but that is how I feel today………
I appreciate all of your thoughts and prayers. Continue to keep up close. If you thought we needed your prayers and such before, we really, really need them now. I am off to a meeting about a project that was started before my last day of my old life (February 6th – ironically my baby’s birthday)……….. I just hope I am able to speak and talk about it intelligently. Wish me luck…………….