Sick to My Stomach

Stephanie here............ There is a gnawing feeling in the bottom of my stomach that will not go away. Nope, currently, I thankfully do not have the stomach bug that has been going around. Did you think that is what it would be based on the title of my post? Nope, it is just a feeling that something is missing. We all know what that something is......... it is just a sinking feeling that will not go away. I felt it off and on all weekend. I have moments were I think I'm starting to feel okay and then a wave of something hits me and I get "that" feeling again. I talked to my sister Jill. I think that we are all having that feeling somewhat. We are all trying to get back into our routines of life before October 18, 2007. We are trying to hold on and remember how to live while figuring out how to remember and not forget. It is a very delicate balance.

As I tried to get back into our routine of normal, I think I might have moved a little too quickly. That was very apparent this weekend when for some insane reason I told Hannah she could have three of her girl friends spend the night. It was at 10:30 pm when I was ready for them to go to bed and BE QUIET. To make matters worse, Hannah’s little brother could not understand why sissy did not want to play with him or why her friends felt the same way. He was in tears. I was right there with him on the inside. That was exactly how I felt. How totally unfair that I could not have my papa here anymore. Why? Can I also tell you that I can only process so many outside noises and at about 9:30 or 10:00 pm I need my quiet time. That does not happen very easily around said house with kids and activities………… Geesh!

This weekend was also my father n laws birthday. Normally, a very happy and fun occasion, something I can look forward to. You know planning with the kids and helping ensure they make him a card or something. However, this time, it was just too close to loosing my Dad. I didn't want to be happy to celebrate the birthday of someone else’s Dad. I really didn’t. But I went. That much I can say. But it doesn’t mean I had to like it. I showed up with said gift that I purchased from my family. The only problem I find with just about any event lately is that if I’m lucky it can hold my interest for about 30 minutes as that is about all emotional processing time I have right now. Then I am DONE! I will be there in body but I will have to tune out and go to another place. The idle chit chat and conversation is just too much for me right now. I can't explain it. It is a very weird way to feel.

Sunday evening after we left my in-laws, Kevin and the kids went over to Nana and Grandad’s. Hayden did point out that it is just Nana’s now. I do know that. I’m just not ready to call it that just yet. It was good to see mom. She seems to be doing as well as could be expected. Walking in the house though still feels weird. The house is so quiet. Entering Lauren’s room felt like I was at someone else’s house. Missing from the floor were Jill and Lauren’s suitcases and clothes and everything else that should be there because so should Dad.

Kevin helped do several things around the house – putting in new light bulbs and installing a shower head and many many more things………Mom was very pleased. Thank you sweet hubby for doing that!! I went through and got rid of the flowers that were not any good any more. It was a good visit with Mom. The kids were watching the Oscars and they were mad when we told them it was time to go. I am going to have to make it a point to get over there more often. Just like when Dad was sick I just wish it wasn’t 45 minutes from my place. I think it is good and healing for us to be there and for the kids to see everyone healing……………

Thanks for letting me share that with you guys. It helps to have a place to talk about these feelings. I think right now that I’m still in a little bit of denial that Dad really did die. Almost like if you wish hard enough that it really didn’t happen. With time and healing I know I’ll move towards acceptance.

But it doesn’t mean I have to like it………………