October 9, 2008

I meant to update the site last Thursday but didn't. Last Thursday was 8 months since Dad took his last breath here on earth. Sometimes that seems like forever, like a time that has been a lifetime since I experienced it and others it seems like it was just yesterday. There are so many things I am scared I am going to forget. Like the sound of his voice or his smell. Mom gave me one of his machines (medical in nature) that we are going to try and put on craigslist or eBay. I had it in my car for over a week and finally brought it in the house last night. And, when I did I stood in the kitchen and sobbed and sobbed. The smell of Dad and the fact that he was no longer here to use it. I was overwhelmed with so many emotions.

The holidays are fastly approaching and the Baileys are all very busy taking care of thing. I'm looking forward to the holidays but I'm scared of all that will come with celebrating those many firsts. I will need to be there and happy and not sad because I know that Dad would have wanted me to be happy for my kids and my siblings. I'm hoping that how we spent Dad's last holidays will not cloud the many memories of all of the great holidays before that. I won't let it. I won't. I will try to laugh when I want to cry and remember last year Jill and Lue and Mark working diligently to figure out the way for the wheel chair to go everywhere in the house and making sure that the house was picked up and fluffed only to have to sit with Dad for 50 plus minutes to try and convince him to get in the wheelchair and come to the table with us. And to reheat the food at least three times before we ate. And I will laugh at his crazy responses to us when Mom asked him "Mike don't you want to see the new dishwasher" when he replied "Yes, it is ALL about the dishwasher" with true Mike Bailey sarcasm. I will treasure the memories that we even under the worst of circumstances we were together and we were family and we were there for each other. And that my friends is all that matters.