Flashbacks

Tonight, while making mac and cheese for my kids at the Bailey house I found myself looking up at the closed bedroom door, Mom and Dad's bedroom door and JUST for a minute I went back a few months almost like I was making mac and cheese for Dad. I even put Half n Half instead of milk because we were out of milk like we used to do for Dad (remember to give him more calories). I stood there stirring the macaroni almost like I was expecting Dad to call from the bedroom "Hey" or call me on the house or my cell phone to ask where we were. But that didn't happen and I was soon jolted back to our new reality. Oh, how I wish life had taken us down a different path. I miss him so much. Even going in the bedroom to put things away or organize things felt strange. Taking things out of Dad's dresser felt even stranger. Seriously. So, hard. Matt got Dad's XL T=shirts and such. I found some coins that I put in the box of stuff along with Dad's jewelry for all of us to go through when Jill, Lauren, Matt, Mom and I are all together. The coins and such went into the box along with the other special things I've found of Dad's. Tonight, after I showered and I'm all clean, I'm wearing one of Dad's white MEDIUM T-shirts. It makes me feel close to him. I put aside several more special T-shirts from his dresser to use to make a T-shirt quilt. Now, I just have to find someone who can make this for me.

To update some more of going through the Bailey house, we went through several boxes and baskets of paperwork. Mom went through three bags of clothes, etc. from her old dresser and we found a place either in the keep, toss or sale pile for everything. That is good. I started working on cleaning out the laundry room. The boxes of stuff for the yard sale is growing. There is just so much to do and go through.

Tonight Mom broke down a little bit. Seeing her like that was hard as I don't think I've seen her so upset since loosing dad. She is so strong on the outside. She was and is so frustrated about everything she is having to deal with now. This is so hard. Very hard. I'm not sure how to help. I will ponder as I sleep and pray on this one. Speaking of sleep, I don't understand why sleep cannot come easy for me when I am here. Why is it so hard? It is now 3:30 am. The kids are here with me too. Hannah is sound asleep on the couch and Hayden is fast asleep in Lue's room. I am about to join him. I love snuggling with my little guy when I can and he is not moving 100 miles an hour!!

Hugs, Stephanie