The Great Organization

Well, things have been busy around the Bailey house these past few days. Some of us started part time jobs. Jill, Mark, Lauren, Tyler, Kevin and I worked this past Sunday of finally going through all of the stuff that we removed from the storage buildings plus all of the stuff that had been added to the stuff outisde on the back patio. Lauren and Tyler made two trips to the dump to get ride of trash. They rocked. I know Dad would be so proud of us. Tyler and Lauren were on Spring Break this week so they visited with Mom and took her out to eat. There is now more Maggie May doggie at Bailey central. She is now a resident of the state where L lives. I know Lue is excited to have Maggie May with her. Jill is back home from helping. Must go, lots to do. Have to go through paperwork here and make lists of stuff to do tomorrow. The lists, they will never leave us alone.

Sad Day

Today, my grandmother, Jean Bailey Cromer but just Mamaw to me was called to heaven. Keep us close especially my sweet Aunts and cousins. I am thankful that I was able to talk to her on Tuesday and tell her that I loved her. I am sad that I was not able to get to visit with her one more time to take her a gift or send her flower or see her very special smile. I know that she was very proud of each one of us and loved us very much. I will post more as I know about arrangements and just ask that you pray for us all.

Birthday Plans

Dear Dad,
Hannah and I are trying to keep upbeat, knowing that tomorow you would have celebrated your64th birthday. We are thinking about what to do tomorrow. I know if you were we would celebrate with you at Steak N Ale or by making a yummy meal at home. Wouldn't you know that Steak N Ale closed down last year? This along with many other things will force us to start new traditions. Hannah has already decided that each year we will add a think to this post, kind if like adding another candle. Hannah has to take the TAKS test tomorrow. I told her that you would want her to be upbeat and happy and not sad because you are not here. But seriously Dad this is not an easy task. So, anyhow, we are off to bed (well not really). You could always call my bluff. You know that I'll probably be up for a I'm not going straight to bed. I have "stuff" to get ready for tomorrow. Hannah is going to write you a note too. (see below)
Love, Stephanie

Dear Granddad, i miss you so much, the first holidays i spent without you, i'm had a hard time getting through it especially because the taks is tommorrow in 4th i got a 97 and i hope i do better tommorow well i have to go to bed
i love you , hannah

Stephanie here again, Just tucked Hannah in to sleep. Seroiusly, who knew that kids would be so in tune to things. And, so tomorrow is another day. We will all be stonger, and better for it.

Off to look through binders and pack my lunch and take a shower and get to bed hopefully at a resaonable hour. I invited Mom over tomorow evening but she wasn't sure what the plans were. If she comes from work, then that Matt without anyone to hang out with on this day. I forgot to ask the kids if I should make a cake for Granddad. Last year, we did and it was more the symbolism in it and I don't think anyone but me (who didn't need ANY of it) actually ate it. We made the cake from scratch. So, if I need to make it I probably should do that tonight. And, for the record since I don't have all the ingredients, it would NOT be from scratch. We will probably have mac and cheese and all those other foods that "Granddad" ate that I know he liked but seriously were NOT his favorites.

Hug those you love, let the grudges go.... life is too short.

Stephanie

Missing You, Part II

I guess this is somewhat repetitive. I miss Dad. Especially at times like these when the weather is bad outside. I know if he was here he would be calling mom at the office and checking on her and calling her and calling her and making sure she was on her way home. It is not that I can't call and check on her, I can. It is not that I don't care. It is just that well, I get busy and I don't follow up like Dad would. You know Tuesday night the weather was bad and I didn't even fall up with her until I heard it sleeting outside. Luckily she was safe and sound at home. Yes, it is the little things that make you miss him even more.

And tonight, as I type this post, my brother is on his way to a job interview. And I am missing that Dad is not here to witness this occasion or to do all of the things I know that Dad would have done - like ask "what are you wearing?" "you're wearing that?" "do you plan on shaving?" To quiz him and do mock interviews with him. Mom and I did what we thought our part should have been. Mom ironed his shirt. Mom and I both did mock interview questions with him.

There is something crazy about these times that makes me want to talk to Dad. There are other times I long for conversation with him but these times just simply remind me even more that those conversations are to be no more. Period. And oh, how I do miss them. I think I'm even harder on myself because of the promises I made to Dad before he died. I know I cannot fill Dad's place but I can do my best to watch over his family and love them and check on them. I promised I will do my best. So, when it comes to walking someone through an interview I ask myself, did I do enough?

I think to that it is getting really close to Superbowl Sunday. This Sunday was the last time I had a conversation with Dad. Well, not a conversation, really, Dad knows what I'm talking about. Or maybe he doesn't because I think his mind was staring to slip somewhat and he was tired and frustrated. And, even though that conversation ended crazily I still know that Dad loved me. And, so, on Superbowl Sunday as we are getting ready to head to friends. I will remember that image of Superbowl of Mom and Dad resting. I will try push the "regret" friend away who keeps trying to visit me because I didn't go and give Dad a hug buy and hear his voice tell me he loved me one more time. I will instead cherish the memories that they got to get some good rest.

Good night all, say prayers tonight for brother bear................

It's a New Year

I'm having trouble believing it is 2009. It will take me some more time before I am able to write that without first making a 2008 and having to work to make it look like 2009. I cannot believe we are in a year that Dad has never lived in. That we will be doing things that he will not be a part of . That we will celebrate many firsts without him. That part is hard. It just dawned on me the other day that I'm not the only one it is hard for. You forget that the little people in your life are on this journey with you. And that they FEEL and that they get sad too. I don't know why, but you do. It was evident this past weekend when we FINALLY got down ALL of the holiday decorations and Hannah did not want to put her tree up. It was because her tree had decorations that Jill and Lauren made when Granddad was sick. I really believe that to her that was putting up the memories. I had to tell her that we will always have the memories. They will always be with us. Always.

As I move into 2009, Dad is in ever thing I pick up and touch - from the orange juice (remembering drinking oj last year to stay well to take care of him), to a movie (Galaxy Quest) to HGTV to simply making mac and cheese no matter where I am to exercising up in the loft on the eliptical remembering back Dad calling me on my cell (Fall 2007) to see when I would be heading to Mesquite. And, it is not a stop in your tracks can't move forward don't want to get out of bed sadness or anything like that, it is a part of who I am and who I have become because of this. Today I found myself a little more sad and went back to read over some of the blog entries from early 2008. I am so thankful we wrote down and kept this journal to help us to remember. I miss seeing my sisters......... having them there with me supporting me every step of the way.......... I know that they are supporting me now I just got so used to having them close. I think in missing them is missing a part of the old way, because having them together means he here with us............. I guess in wanting the three of us to be together is in a way wanting things to go back to how they were......... Life has taken us back to our paths............... that is good thing.............. I just wish it didn't make my heart hurt so much

Good night all,
Stephanie

Only a few hours left in 2008

The current time is 10:21 pm. We are about to eat our traditinal late evening meal before heading over to our dear friends Anna and Don to ring in 2009. I can agree with Don. He and I have had a year of loss and it is time to close the chapter on this year, to remember, and move forward day by day. Today, as I went through each hour I was reflecting as to where I was last year. This year, my sisters are in Austin to celebrate the New Year. I talked to Mom a while ago and she was just home from the store and had some really yummy food to cook up for the Bailey house. Dinner is done, must write more about the reflections of this year later.

Only Two Days Until Christmas!!!!!!

On the outside you would never know I am such an emotional mess on the inside. This was evident last night when I was saying prayers with Hayden and I prayed for us to have patience with one another and prayed for us to have understanding when our sister or brother gets on our nerves. Any of you with kids home on Christmas break can probably agree that this is a prayer that must be repeated on the hour. I prayed for God to be with us this year as we face our first Christmas without Granddad. And, then during the prayer, with the lights off and snuggled with my sweet very excited son, the tears would not stop flowing. Hayden even began to sob. I tried to correct my "sharing" of these feelings with Hayden by reminding him of all the special memories with Granddad such as how he played with him and snuggled with him but that just made matters worse. I then reminded Hayden how Granddad was silly and how he got on to those doggies and how he gave wet willies. I then could not tell if Hayden was laughing or crying harder. I told him it was okay to be sad but that we also have all of the special memories in our heart.

This year as Christmas approaches, I'm not sure what to expect. Christmas is coming and fastly approaching and will be here like tomorrow. I'm not sure what I will or won't need from my family both the ones that live in my house and those that don't. Mama Bear and Brother Bear are headed south to spend Christmas Eve with my Sister Bear. My other sister bear will be east this year (oh, and by the way we went to college graduation this past weekend, will write more on that later. Our family will be in the metroplex on Christmas Eve and morning. I've always said that I would love to just hang Christmas day and hang out with the kids, watch movies, and such. But THIS year, THIS year, I'm not so sure I will be able to do that. I think it is more for the reason WHY that that is even a choice. I'm scared I think of how I feel. I know if I'm about to fall apart the craziness of the holidays will keep me from that; however, never having done this and knowing that we all grieve differently and if you talk to one person that has lost a parent what worked for them at the holidays might not work for you. It is such an individual process. So, now I must decide what our plans will be because I promised my hubby I would let him know today. I thought about asking the kids their thoughts but then decided that that is just taking the chicken way out and not really facing my feelings. I must also too remember to be true to my feelings and my heart. Wish me luck. And, if you see me in the next few days, an extra warm hug or snuggle or gentle word would probably be greatly appreciated.

Brrrrrrrrr it is 28 degrees outside. I just want to go back to sleep where the kids and my hubby are all sound asleep since I used all my time off, off to work I go.

no sleep

HGTV has signed off for the evening........... I remember when that occurred at bailey central. That meant it was time for the movie, and yes it better be set to play on repeat.

sleep escapes me these days........... I think for a number of reasons.......... as strange as it sounds being up late, when the house is quiet and sorting through mail or going through "things" or working on the tree at our house makes me feel close to Dad. It is a connection because we all know that we were up many at nights at this hour. I know I'm exhausted both emotionally and physically. So why can't I sleep. Yes, it is 3:22 am right now........... what would we be doing? Oh, making toast or coffee or mac & cheese....... I want to go make some now.

I'm going through many changes at work and at home.............. nothing is the same.....and oh, how I want things to be the same. I think it would be different if there were just a few things that were changing but is all over the place. My little girl has entered "everything is boring world, she and I clash whenever possible it seems, huge changes at the office for me, changes here at home...................... This being said gives me opportunities to be scared out of my mind and thankful all in the same breath and maybe just a little be depressed. It makes want to run away places just to wander for hours to observe other families who seem normal on the outside. To escape. I need all of you right now especially those that I see and talk to on a more frequent basis more than you can imagine. I know that I am not here like I should be. I know that my contributions are not up to par. Hopefully, as time goes by I can be what I need to be......................

The tree at my family's house is up and all the ornaments are hung. We even have a few presents wrapped. And, did I mention that Hayden is ready to open them like RIGHT NOW. No waiting people. Bailey tree is up and decorated as well. Latest reports are that Ms. Maggie has scored one ornament. Yes, the cute Snoopy one I bought Mom this year. Yikes. Speaking of ornaments, my Hallmark ornament for this year is this one; I started to get this ornament because I liked the inscriptions which reads "Every life leaves something beautiful behind". As I was putting up the tree on the back of the box for the ornament I chose reads the following:

Shining Memories

2008 was a year filled

with hopes and dreams,

smiles and laughter

and, quite possibly,

a few tears

Like every year before it,

it will live on

through the memory

of each of its opportunities,

challenges, and celebrations

large and small

To me, this pretty much sums up 2008 so far. Laughter and smiles, yes. Tears, of course. And even through all of the challenges and opportunities that we are all facing, we will always have our memories.

I can't wait to go over and see the lights on the Bailey house. I'm proud of my Mama Bear for decorating this year. I think that there will be a flood of memories of last year when I go over there. I will be taken back to last year and remembering each and every special memory with my sisters. Sitting with Dad by myself with Matt while Jill and Mark caught a movie. Trying to keep up with it with the business of the holidays. Finally shopping for Christmas at 2:00 am at Wal-mart with Lauren but only because Dad finally allowed us both to go. And we had to take separate cars so we could come home if we needed to. Geesh....... I'm entering this holiday season with a fuzzy memory of what happened last year. I can remember the over all of what happened but it is the details I'm having trouble with. In talking with my cousin today, she said that is the mind's way of coping. Blocking, because it is painful. I think I would have to agree. Speaking of cousins and family, hopefully we will be able to have a small get together with our cousins soon. No gifts or such, just fellowship and family. To love and support one another.

A few more updates:

• Jill is busy baking and last night she sent us a text message with pictures of the roll out cookies she made. Oh, the memories of Dad wanting one of those cookies and oh, all the crumbs and the mess. And the phone calls and the heys........... I do miss my family. All of them, I'm thankful that next weekend we will be together for graduation. I will take a piece of Dad to graduation because I know he will be looking down on us and be oh, so proud.
• Yes, graduation for Lauren if fastly approaching. Rumor has it that her sweetheart is back stateside. However, for the official update on that news, you will have to wait for the e-mail update from her. Sorry..............................
• My cousin's daughter is graduating this weekend from Texas Womens' University. Time moves, I remember when she was just a baby.............. I'm hoping to be able to get to see them Friday night along with my special Aunt Pam and Uncle Tim............. I need her hugs and to hear her laughter..............
• Matt is still attending classes at Devry
• Maggie the doggie is still busy, oh, so busy
• The previously planned garage sale for the Bailey place is obviously not going to be a fall event. Maybe Spring in between basketball and soccer?

Okay, sleep is coming. I wish I had Galaxy Quest the movie to play in the background. Maybe I will put in Legally Blond and snuggle up on the couch for 3 or so hours (now it is 3:40); and well, anyway.......... remember I do love all of you and I need all of you and I am here for all of you. Please know that I am

Sweet dreams

"Family Turkays" and the Holidays

Holidays, oh, the holidays....... traditions............. I can't help but think of the holidays in these ways: before dad had cancer, when dad had cancer, the holidays when he was still able to get around, the holiday when he wasn't and the holidays now that Dad is in heaven.

I survived this year, Thanksgiving, my first of many firsts. My sisters and mom and brother were all together. My hubby's family too.

I'm going through many of the motions this year. I'm thankful that I have my kids to have expectations and anticipations of the holidays. Otherwise, I'm not so sure that I would be able to move forward so well. Every thing I touch or see or do reminds me in some way of Dad. It is both good and bad. Like last night as I was putting the candy kisses on the countdown to Christmas for my kids I remembered doing the same thing last year. My big bag of stuff I would take to Mom and Dad's and sitting on mom and dad's bed and tying the candy kisses to each day and having dad watch me closely to make sure I did not sneak any candy. Oh, the memories. And those same memories growing up, me and Jill, taking the candy off to countdown to Christmas. And Christmas morning and cinnamon rolls and orange juice. Dad in his PJs and robe. Memories, precious precious memories. Lauren and I bought Mom two Hallmark speical ormaments for her tree this year. I bought one too. It is a clear frosted ornament and it says 2008 but it is titled memories.

I talked to Mom tonight. She put up the Christmas lights outside. All by herself. I'm hoping Matt helped her but if I was a betting person I would say probably not as much as he should have. She also got out her Christmas houses and put them on top of the piano. When I talked to her tonight I think they were going to work on the tree. I think the kids and I might go over soon to check out the lights and hang out with her for a bit. It is important to me to hold her up and love on her and spend time with her. I makes me very sad to know that she is all alone in this world. That her friend, her lover, her sounding board is gone. Basically now, all she has at the Bailey house is Maggie the doggie. Maggie is good listener, she understands when you are upset. She however gets a little distracted and all she wants to do is play. I'm hoping Maggie will soon have a new place to live with her real momma, my sister Lue.

Have pictures, those to come in another post.......

One year ago today 1:30 pm

we were busy, Jill and Lue at the hospital with dad, waiting for discharge from the hospital. I was working, getting ready to leave to drive to the bailey house to make sure things were ready for dad to come home from the hospital. I was there to meet the nurse that was to be there to transition home. Her name was Ruby. I was there to meet the hospice agency
I was there when Dad called to see if I had $50 cash to tip the ambulance drivers who handled him so carefully. I did not of course have cash. So I sent matt to the store to get cash back from debit card at Albertsons. And, that did not work, so I sent him to Walgreens to buy two gift cards. And then, dad was resting comfortably as he could be and the ambulance drivers were waiting. I didn't want them to leave because I knew Dad wanted to give them something to say thanks for how good of a job they did. So, finally Matt got back with the gift cards and we gave them the gift cards to say thanks. And, then we answered the phone at the bailey house to receive a call from dad himself asking for the status of the his grits. And, as the night wore on, the bailey girls and bailey mom transitioned from daughters and wife to also medical care providers learning the ropes as we went along. Jill and Lue that night would get some much needed rest after Jill was first awakened to help figure out the morphine pump and talking on the line with the pump provider. steph would be up through the night with dad and then would leave the bailey house the next morning exhausted to come home to get ready for her daughter's birthday party. while she was at home celebrating with her daughter and her friends, Jill and Lue would get Dad up in the wheelchair and dad would spend some time in the kitchen looking around. Jill and Lue would normally not be in town for the birthday celebration but since they are they are not able to come to celebrate due the demands of all that is going on at bailey central. steph rests for a little bit and leaves to RUSH to pick up the cookie cake and arrives home to finish getting ready for the party minutes before the first guests arrive. Shower and change? Not an option, no time. And now, as we come up on the anniversary of many dates, we reflect and remember were were were last year at this time. We give thanks for the many memories, both good and bad. We are now learning how to be daugthers with just a mom and figure out those relationships and we are learning how to support mom as she figures out life without her companion. We are not liking this life but we know that we must figure out things and our way without him. It isn't easy, the holidays will be challenging times. I know personally, as I might have mentioned before, it would be fine with me to fast forward to January 1st. Hug your loved ones and let the little stuff go, because in the end, it is all just little stuff

Birthday Reflections

Reflecting, been doing a lot of that lately? You?

Like Hannah's birthday is coming up. And, I'm remembering going to the hosptial last year to celebrate with cake and Granddad giving Hannah that special necklace. She treasures that necklace. And, the day after Hannah's birthday, Granddad got to come home from the hospital. And, how the different chapter of our journey began. And how we lived for every waking moment to make sure he was comfortable. Rarely, did we check in our ourselves.

More to come on this in the next few days, but as I already promised you and myself I have to go to bed.

Angels watching over us

Got one of those calls today you don't like to get. You know the call where you see the caller ID at the office and you figure well, you can call them back but then they call again minutes later so you decide to answer. And then you go into the fear mode, the not knowing, the wishing you could snap your fingers and be right there, like NOW. No travel time. You want to just be able to give a hug and grab a Starbucks and lend a hand. You feel stupid sitting at your desk trying working. The procedures or whatever you were working on seem so trivial so not so important. Just like last fall when you were so far away from Dad and you could just get updates via phone or text.

I was talking to my sweet Hayden tonight. He is trutly my little man, the glass half full kind of guy who says to me, no there is to a way to go "she has a bike". Yes, my sweet sisters, this is your nephew. Always looking for the silver lining.

Say prayers for us tonight and hug your loved ones tighter. I truly believe that God's angels were watching closely over us and kept us all safe. Maybe one very, very special angel.

Happy Birthday Memaw

Dad's Mom's birthday (Memaw to me) was November 1st. I remember vividly this time last year. Dad was still in the hospital but he made sure we sent flowers from the place he always sent flowers. Jill took care of that for him I think. I believe that last year I was scrambling to send something too. Something different. You know a cookie bouquet or something fun. I know I sent something but I can't remember exactly what. I'm finding that I don't remember a lot about this time last year. I know we were there with Dad but the rest of the details of my life I do not remember. I know Memaw liked whatever I sent. This year, of course, without Dad to remind us we got behind and did not call or send her anything. How terrible is that? Our reminder is gone.

Memaw I'm so sorry that we did not have a gift for you on that special day. I hope you had a beautiful birthday and I know you had two precious angels looking down over you. I know that you too are adjusting to life without your precious son. The void he left in our family is huge. I know you miss him and your kids miss him.

Must go, tears flowing freely. Off to soak in a nice warm bath. Hayden tried to teach me the monkey bars tonight. Tomorrow I hope I can lift my arms above my head to get dressed. Really it isn't that bad but it could be.

Still learning how to navigate this world without my Daddy. So many things I wish I could run by him and get his input. So many, many things. One might think I could talk to friends or Kevin about these problems but no one listened quite like Dad. He had a way of just listening, not judging, just hearing you out. Gosh, how I miss that really the most especially now with so much to do and so many things to figure out.

More mac and cheese

The kids and I are at the Bailey house tonight. And, I made mac and cheese again for the kids for dinner. When might I ask will I be able to make mac and cheese without staring off into Mom and Dad's room listening for that "hey"? Hannah listed to me as I reflected. When I put her in the bathtub she too reflected. She said she remembers Granddad helping her with her bath and how he would wrap her up in a big towel afterwards and take her into the living room and she would say "look at my new dress" except the dress would be her towel. And how Granddad would blow dry her hair straight, yes, I think I have that same memory.

I am working diligently helping to get ready for a garage sale. Helping Mom sort through this and that and more this and that and more this and that. So, you get the idea. Hannah and sat down at the computer and I noticed a red tin to the right of the keyboard. So, I opened the tin and it was some chocolate covered cookies from guess when, last December. Ah, memories.

While cleaning out the Arbonne products, Mom grabbed a white binder. In it was Algebra homework, so I asked Mom if she really needed that paperwork (thinking it was back to her college days) and she said no it was Lauren's and then I noticed the dates of the coursework and realized that it was from Fall 2007, when we were all trying to keep that delicate balance of "the rest of our life (work, job, family, school)" and "taking care of dad". We soon learned that the taking care of Dad pretty much was all we could do.

In almost every single thing I touch here I feel connected to Dad. Sitting in the living room, hanging out in the den, straightening the kitchen, sending Matt to the store, giving the kids a bath, helping mom organize paperwork.........

I've heard many say they have seen something that they knew was a "sign" when people they love pass away. Today, I was at lunch at Dickey's BBQ and Hannah says "mommy" to let me know that in the background the song, Stand by Rascall Flats was playing in the background.

Must get to sleep, please tell my mind to stop and sleep for a bit.

Halloween Reflections

Hippie girl and her Aunt ???

Spiderman and ????, Halloween 2007

Evening everyone. Tomorrow is Halloween. Are your costumes ready? I have to admit that I can relate to the feeling of this mom. Her loss is much different in that she recently lost her twins; however, to some degree I think that no matter what the loss to some extent we all experience some of the same feelings. I can relate to her words from one post on one of her recent blogs: "Halloween has been a little lost on me this year. I’m sure it seems lame but every time I think of Halloween, I think about the fact that right now, at this time last year…we conceived James and Jake." I can relate, last year at this time, I was running around with Jill and Lue, talking turns at the hospital, soaking in every minute. So, last year for Halloween the kids and I and Kevin after we trick or treated in our neighborhood went up to the hospital. Lauren and Jill had wigs to make Halloween as festive as it could be considering where we were. Dad was excited to see his babies. Dad even trick or treated out of the kids candy. We took two cars so I could stay and visit after Kevin went home with the kids. As usual Jill and Lauren almost had to drag me to and put me into my car to make me leave. I didn't want to miss anything.

I'm finding that I'm having a hard time doing much of anything right now this year because I'm thinking back as to where I was last year, reflecting. That's just it. So I'm not stuck in the past, I'm just not so sure how to move forward.

Warning, pictures of Dad in the hospital follows, so if you don't want to see, don't continue reading, they are not bad.

Here is Dad, Halloween 2007, checking out the pictures that we sent to his phone (his grandbabies in their costumes, I think in this picture Lauren was making that his screen saver. I never really saw him as looking this thin then. Funny how pictures change those memories. He wasn't mad he was focusing on whatever the girl in the costume was showing him.

Other Bailey Updates

• Happy birthday to my Aunt Pam!!! I hope you had a wonderful day
• Dad's mom, my Memaw, is currently in the hospital. They are ruling out pneumonia. She should be released on Monday and after her release she is apparently going to head back to Arkansas.
• My mom is visiting a good friend of hers in Longview to celebrate her friends birthday. She left on Saturday and will be back today. Rumor has it they were going to head to Shreveport. So maybe good luck will pay off and she might win some $$$$$?
• My Baby sister #1 worked on packing up to move (fun, not so much) but in cleaning out one of her closets she found the dress she wore in my wedding and sent me a text message of her wearing it. Ah, memories.
• Baby sister #2 is headed to the DFW area next week. I'm hoping that Wednesday when she arrives Mom, me and she and my brother can meet up for dinner. I'm thinking of making something on Wednesday and having dinner here so we can visit and such. My kids love it when any of them come.

October 18, 2007

What is the importance of this date? Well, one year ago on this date, I was sitting in my cube at my office and the phone rings and it's mom as she says "We are taking Dad to the emergency room." You know with calmness and all that like it was all going to be okay. I hung up and pondered do I leave RIGHT now, what to do, what do do. I got a hold of Lauren who was driving home for fall break to visit with Mom and Dad and head then to Austin to hang with her sister Jill and ride bikes and chill. Fall break, right? Little did we all three know that day that that would be the beginning of life in Bailey land as we knew it. I mean we all knew that Dad had cancer. That more than likely it wasn't good. But October 18th really changed our lives forever. I worked and left a little early that day. Kevin picked up and took care of the kids, I'm sure they had some type of activity that day but for the life to me I cannot remember. As I look back on last fall I don't remember much of the details, just motions and important things that had to be done.

Yesterday, October 18, 2008, was the kid's fall carnival at school. Last year I did not attend because I was heading to the hosptial, trying to decide how/if to let the kids go to the hospital, what to say, what to do. Thankfully, my mother-n-law helped us out and worked the times I had volunteered to work. This year, I tried very hard yesterday not to remember back to where I was a year ago but it was hard. I'm thankful for the busy day of soccer games at 11:00 and working the carnival at 1:00 and volleyball at 3:00 to distract me from those other memories. At 7:00 last night Hannah and I left the school. I didn't feel like I did that much but yet every muscle I think I had hurt to some degree.

Last night after the University of Texas game ended, I looked at the clock. The time was 10:30 pm. I asked Kevin if he knew what I was doing last year at this time. He said yes, at the hospital. I think about that time Lauren and I were roaming the halls, visiting the Atrium for Starbucks for the first time on this part of the journey. We were looking for something for Dad to eat. And, we were waiting ever so patiently for him to be transferred to a room.

So, I wonder, if these dates on the calendar will always hold these type of memories or as time fades will those dates change their meaning? Part of me hopes so and the other part is not sure what to think.

October 9, 2008

I meant to update the site last Thursday but didn't. Last Thursday was 8 months since Dad took his last breath here on earth. Sometimes that seems like forever, like a time that has been a lifetime since I experienced it and others it seems like it was just yesterday. There are so many things I am scared I am going to forget. Like the sound of his voice or his smell. Mom gave me one of his machines (medical in nature) that we are going to try and put on craigslist or eBay. I had it in my car for over a week and finally brought it in the house last night. And, when I did I stood in the kitchen and sobbed and sobbed. The smell of Dad and the fact that he was no longer here to use it. I was overwhelmed with so many emotions.

The holidays are fastly approaching and the Baileys are all very busy taking care of thing. I'm looking forward to the holidays but I'm scared of all that will come with celebrating those many firsts. I will need to be there and happy and not sad because I know that Dad would have wanted me to be happy for my kids and my siblings. I'm hoping that how we spent Dad's last holidays will not cloud the many memories of all of the great holidays before that. I won't let it. I won't. I will try to laugh when I want to cry and remember last year Jill and Lue and Mark working diligently to figure out the way for the wheel chair to go everywhere in the house and making sure that the house was picked up and fluffed only to have to sit with Dad for 50 plus minutes to try and convince him to get in the wheelchair and come to the table with us. And to reheat the food at least three times before we ate. And I will laugh at his crazy responses to us when Mom asked him "Mike don't you want to see the new dishwasher" when he replied "Yes, it is ALL about the dishwasher" with true Mike Bailey sarcasm. I will treasure the memories that we even under the worst of circumstances we were together and we were family and we were there for each other. And that my friends is all that matters.

broken threads

just want to write to say good night to everyone. so, good night. i know that most of you are already sleeping. there are really no new things to report on the bailey front. I don't want to keep writing the same old lines over and over and over again. And that line playing on repeat would be this: I miss dad. I miss the relationships that come with dad, I miss my family and my extended family. I miss the connection that comes wtih having dad here, that common bond and thread that ties us and keeps us together. I get to talk to lots of you on a regular basis and I appreciate that you listen to me. I feel together but apart from so much right now. Like now, my grandmother has decided to take a visit and go for a bit to Arkansas. While she is there, they are getting things ready her to be safe. If Dad was here and able, I know he would be down there helping to intsall grab bars and what not. He would be a part. It makes me sad and mad that he doesn't get to do that.

Most importantly, i've been very reflective these past few days. Reading through the journals we kept while we were taking care of dad Some things bring a smile and others a tear. Thankfully we wrote and kept some of the funny things Dad said. that makes some of this remembering easier. You know, my sisters and I did not see each other like every week before Dad was sick but you know after having spent that much time together even for the reasons we were together, I miss them a lot. It was that constant support, a hug, a cup of coffee, special homemade hot chocolate or that extra push you needed to make it through the really tough times. Now, I guess, it is the really tough times for different reasons and I'm thankful my sisters are here for me. I might not always be able to communicate my thoughts in a way that it makes it easy to understand everything that is going on and I might take you down some paths that make no sense but most importantly i am thankful that you are here to listen, to give hugs and to just be there. Seriously.

Loads we carry

I filled out a survey on our hospice provider recently. One of the questions they asked was "While patient was under the care of ________ (insert provider name) did you participate in taking care of him/her?" Seriously. I laughed. Did we participate? Of course we did. 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. That is pretty much all we did. We didn't do very much else. So, the answer to the question is not just yeah, but hell yeah.

And the quote for today "It's not the load that breaks you down, it's the way you carry it." Lena Horne (1917 - ) American actress and singer

This load we are all carrying is hard but I guess there is some truth to that quote. It is how we choose to carry all of this that matters. I talked to one of Dad's fraternity brothers today. He is a dentist so I called in a favor as brother bear of this house needs some dental work. He asked me "How are you doing" and I seriously really didn't know how to answer. Was he really asking about us and all that has happened or was it just a casual question? I told him I was doing fine and things are just hard. He shared about a loss he had in his family and we shared how it changes almost everything and it makes things hard. He understood where I was coming from thankfully. He said to tell Mom hello.

And this quote "The life of man is like a game with dice; if you don't get the throw you want, you must show your skill in making the best of the throw you get." --Terence This is so true - none of us wanted to loose Dad this soon or this early or be without him now. We wanted him here to participate with us and do all the things Dad did. To call and check up on his sisters and Mom and hang out with his grandkids and worry about us and call and check on us and come home to fluff the house and worry about my mom. But my take on this quote for THIS situation is that I have to be thankful for the time I got with him and cherish every single memory and moment.

Ending with this quote: "If you wish to travel far and fast, travel light. Take off all your envies, jealousies, unforgiveness, selfishness, and fears." -- Glenn Clark These are words that I can hear that Dad might of said to me, not in those exact words but he always had words of wisdom and ideas for whatever we sharted with him. I think those words and that quote is going to be helpful at least to me on moving forward on this journey."

Good night and God Bless............
Stephanie