No noise, just silence

Today after I dropped some things at the kids school, I drove myself to Mesquite. Just in driving up in the driveway things were different. Dad's car is gone. He will never drive again. I mean I know we knew this but this just makes it so much more real.

When I got inside things were so well......... quiet. No one was hurrying about to get Dad toast or coffee or mac and cheese. No one was in with him getting him comfortable or rubbing his legs or helping him get fluffed. Just Mom, in there with him hanging out working on some things. You know the time to do things that a while back we would have really wanted. Now, not so much. Be so very careful what you wish for.

I got everything out of my car and got my things put away. And then I stalled as long as I could stall because I didn't want to go see what I knew in my heart I was going to see.

When I opened the door to Mom and Dad's room you immediately noticed many things wrong. The TV was OFF........... no HGTV in the background. I can't remember when that has ever happened. Most of the lights were off except the light that has been on since we came home from the hospital on November 16th. The blinds had not been opened. Something dad would ask you to do in the morning.

And the other thing was........... Dad was sleeping............ really sleepting. His mouth was drooping over to the side a little bit. I couldn't stand it so I touched his hand just to feel his touch. He woke up but did not open his eyes. I told him I loved him and he mouthed I love you back. I am in SO much pain from my teeth and was so drugged up on pain meds that I was sleeping a little at his bedside. Dad woke up and told me to stop staring at him. That made me smile.

Jill came in and we moved Dad up a little bit in the bed. Dad is no longer able to "hold onto his bar" and help us move him. And that is another thing I found out. But under the surface, Dad is still so much still Dad. When we moved him up I was checking out his abdomen and Jill said "Is she poking on you, that's my job" and Dad pointed at me as if to say stop it. Dad took a few sips of water and some of his pills, actually four. The ones that we know help him be comfortable. The nurse is here to check Dad out. We know that he is starting to jaundice and that is not good at all. This sucks! At one point this week the nurse told us that it could be this weekend. From what I've seen I'm scared to say that really might be possible.

Pam and Deb are coming tomorrow to see Dad. Drive safely my dear aunts!

For now we are in the waiting mode........... one that we know the end result (or at least we think we do) and it is so draining................... I hope from all of this you love a little harder and longer and forgive a little more.

I'm off to go back to the kids school for an event tonight. I'll update more later.

Stephanie