Seriosly......Christmas is 11 days from now

Seriously......

This is not a happy post.......... it is a rant.......... a "get the feeling off your chest" entry so, if you continue reading know that you were warned!

Seriously.................

How can we keep up at this pace? We are working very hard. We are doing the right things; then how come sometimes it feels so wrong and we feel so robbed of normalcy and the little things. We are trying to come up with a schedule to say that only these people take care of Dad at these times but when you are here you feel so drawn to help; because it is your Dad and because it is so hard to distance yourself emotionally from the whole thing. It is not like going to work and leaving when you are off duty. However, I think that this weekend with Lauren is back and Mark is back in Austin that we need to have a family conference to figure out a better plan so that Jill's work gets done; Lauren has time for school work and so on and so forth.......... And, you know that makes it so much harder to "schedule" because having to have a schedule just makes this realitiy that much more raw and the wounds hurt so much more. And, you feel even more robbed and cheated of your old life. You know the life before October 18 when you took even the smallest of things for granted, like: Sleeping a full 8 hours or drinking an entire cup of coffee hot or going to the movies without having to stage a national production or feel guilty.

Sleeping does not come much...............

Dad slept last night from 1:30 to about 3:30; I did not go to sleep until 2:00 ish; he was up and then we napped for about 1 hour. I even took Mom's phone for her "alarm" clock and put it in the other room because seriously, do we HAVE to get up and get ready for work? Sersiously? We needed to rest. It is just so hard because Dad does not seem, for whatever reason, to rest for long periods of time. Because he longs for our companionshiop and support and he told me that he can handle everything that is happening he just can't handle doing it alone. So, in the wee hours of the morning I am going to try and remember that that I cannot imagine what it must be like for him. Still the loving husband and worrying dad but then still on the other hand so dependent on us......... I know that I could just get him comfortable and go back to sleep in the night but I want to visit with him and make these special memories with him and hold on to him even though to the outsider that seems absolutely crazy right now..............

He is comfortable and not in pain and for that we are thankful. His sisters are back visiting today and I really think that that boosts his spirits. Guys, you don't know how much we appreciate everything you have done and your visits and the love for our family.

And Seriously...................... there is only 11 shopping days until Christmas......... I have not even really done any shopping........... I am hosting an extended family Christmas one weekend from now at my house (not a Bailey or Wilcox thingy) and did you hear me correctly?? I have not bought anything for the holidays, we'll I've at least purchased for the extended family event but Santa hasn't shopped, well he did buy one present and Santa has no stocking stuffers........... and the crazy sersiously part is that this year I really don't care if we have all the presents and craziness....... I just want a few gifts for the kids and to be together with coffee and pie and not worry about all of the other stuff like what to buy for those that already have too much... It just seems to crazy. And right now, I can't even make it a distraction.

NOW I FEEL SO much better......... thanks for listening (if you read this far)........

Mom's hair person just called and she has a 1:30 so I could get my haircut, that would make me feel so much better........ but then I'll miss more of my "have toos" for today............

Must go take a shower. It is 12:00 and Dad is visiting still with his sisters. Jill is trying to pick Mark up from the airport but his flight is delayed. Apparently, we had some fog this morning that put everything behind. Lauren is getting ready to leave to go to school to get away from all of this NOT NORMAL life and not the life we dreamed of and visit with two of her bestest friends at school. Bert and Candance, we love you bunches and hope you have fun with Lauren. I see some girly movies in the not so distant future. Mom's hair person just called and she has a 1:30 so I could get my haircut, that would make me feel so much better........ but then I'll miss more of my "have tos" for today............


Seriously........ keep me close and my mom and sisters and brothers closer....... pray that we are able to anticipate Dad's needs......... that we listen to him.......... that we don't try and finish his sentences................. that we try to have empathy........... that we don't take him any extra worry.....

Stephanie